Brother in Rehab
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 3
Brother in Rehab
This is a first for me. I am in AA myself, and 2.5 years sober. I put my brother into drug rehab. I found out recently that he has been shooting heroin and meth. He's been in rehab, detoxing for the past week. He's not allowed to call until after detox is done (is that normal?).
I'm so afraid. I had no idea he was shooting up, and I forced him into rehab, so I don't know if it's going to help him. If he goes back and uses again, I feel like he is going to die.
I've had so much anxiety. I don't know if I did the right thing sending him to rehab when he didn't want to go. I don't know if he is going to get anything out of it, or just be angry and shut down the whole time.
This is absolutely one of the hardest things I've ever been through when it comes to caring for someone else.
I'm so afraid. I had no idea he was shooting up, and I forced him into rehab, so I don't know if it's going to help him. If he goes back and uses again, I feel like he is going to die.
I've had so much anxiety. I don't know if I did the right thing sending him to rehab when he didn't want to go. I don't know if he is going to get anything out of it, or just be angry and shut down the whole time.
This is absolutely one of the hardest things I've ever been through when it comes to caring for someone else.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Welcome Bravejourney, I am glad you joined us.
I know the pain of watching someone we love self-destruct and my prayers go out for your brother, that he will grab the lifeline of recovery and hang on.
It's not unusual that they cannot call the first while, some places allow it, others don't. It's also not unusual for the first couple of weeks in rehab for them to start complaining and telling "stories" of how bad it is and how awful the counselors are and how they want to leave right now!
Rehabs aren't jails, you can't make them stay but those who do often pick up some good recovery tools that help them when they finish to face life on life's terms.
The best thing you can do is to let him do his recovery and find some support for yourself. Maybe try some Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA meetings in your area. They are similar to AA but focus on another aspect of healing and those groups and SR as well often have "double winners" attending, those who have experienced both sides of addiction.
Take a read around here and make yourself at home. We are here to support you and help you find your balance.
Hugs
I know the pain of watching someone we love self-destruct and my prayers go out for your brother, that he will grab the lifeline of recovery and hang on.
It's not unusual that they cannot call the first while, some places allow it, others don't. It's also not unusual for the first couple of weeks in rehab for them to start complaining and telling "stories" of how bad it is and how awful the counselors are and how they want to leave right now!
Rehabs aren't jails, you can't make them stay but those who do often pick up some good recovery tools that help them when they finish to face life on life's terms.
The best thing you can do is to let him do his recovery and find some support for yourself. Maybe try some Al-anon, Nar-anon or CoDA meetings in your area. They are similar to AA but focus on another aspect of healing and those groups and SR as well often have "double winners" attending, those who have experienced both sides of addiction.
Take a read around here and make yourself at home. We are here to support you and help you find your balance.
Hugs
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Hey...
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the opportunity to post.
I want you to be aware that what I'm about to say isn't Monday Morning Quarterbacking on my part. Where you yourself have a similar experience, I want to draw upon that to share with you what I believe you should do going forward.
In order to have 2.5 years of sobriety under your belt, you had to both make some hard decisions and do some cognitive shifts in terms of your thinking. I'd be willing to bet that you made that call to pursue sobriety, and no one else was going to force you to do something that you didn't want to do.
The same sort of reasoning applies to your brother. Yes, he's doing heroin and meth. Yes, you are terrified that you're going to lose him to an overdose. Anyone in your shoes would be terrified. But what happens when he gets out? Who is going to be responsible for his recovery? You can't force him to go to NA and work that program. No one can. What if he relapses? Are you going to force him to go back in every time he puts in the spike in his arm? At the end of the day, your brother has to be responsible to himself. The longer you stay in that loop, the greater the risk to you. Even though you have 2.5 years under your belt, you still have a vulnerability, and there are no days off when it comes to protecting yourself.
Mind you, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be there for him as his brother. What I am saying is you need to allow him the dignity to make his own decisions, even if those decisions aren't in his best interests. I know that's tough to hear, but it's the truth.
As far as what he gets out of rehab, that's entirely up to him. If he wants to put in the work while he's in, he will. If he doesn't, he won't, and there's nothing you or anyone can do about that.
I encourage you to touch base with your sponsor or someone in the program that you can confide in. You need support, too. If you haven't considered Al Anon or Nar Anon, now is a good time to do so. Lastly, we're here for you as well.
God bless you, and your brother. Keep us posted. And again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you took the opportunity to post.
I want you to be aware that what I'm about to say isn't Monday Morning Quarterbacking on my part. Where you yourself have a similar experience, I want to draw upon that to share with you what I believe you should do going forward.
In order to have 2.5 years of sobriety under your belt, you had to both make some hard decisions and do some cognitive shifts in terms of your thinking. I'd be willing to bet that you made that call to pursue sobriety, and no one else was going to force you to do something that you didn't want to do.
The same sort of reasoning applies to your brother. Yes, he's doing heroin and meth. Yes, you are terrified that you're going to lose him to an overdose. Anyone in your shoes would be terrified. But what happens when he gets out? Who is going to be responsible for his recovery? You can't force him to go to NA and work that program. No one can. What if he relapses? Are you going to force him to go back in every time he puts in the spike in his arm? At the end of the day, your brother has to be responsible to himself. The longer you stay in that loop, the greater the risk to you. Even though you have 2.5 years under your belt, you still have a vulnerability, and there are no days off when it comes to protecting yourself.
Mind you, I'm not saying that you shouldn't be there for him as his brother. What I am saying is you need to allow him the dignity to make his own decisions, even if those decisions aren't in his best interests. I know that's tough to hear, but it's the truth.
As far as what he gets out of rehab, that's entirely up to him. If he wants to put in the work while he's in, he will. If he doesn't, he won't, and there's nothing you or anyone can do about that.
I encourage you to touch base with your sponsor or someone in the program that you can confide in. You need support, too. If you haven't considered Al Anon or Nar Anon, now is a good time to do so. Lastly, we're here for you as well.
God bless you, and your brother. Keep us posted. And again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
Welcome to SR though I'm sorry for what has brought you here.
I am following posts by two people I truly admire. I'm both an RA (recovering addict and/or alcoholic) and I have/had loved ones who are/were A's (addicts/alcoholics).
I came here as the RA, found my "second home" in the friends & family forums.
Like Zoso said, you had to find your bottom or whatever made you choose sobriety. Your brother needs to find the same.
For me, it has been harder to be the loved one. We KNOW that recovery is great, but they may not want to hear it.
What I can tell you, from my own experience, is that no matter HOW much we know about addiction, our loved ones may, or may not, want to hear it.
What we can do is take care of us, al-anon meetings, SR, wherever we can get support.
Knowing all about addiction doesn't mean that we don't hurt when someone else is suffering from it. It doesn't mean that what we've learned will affect them. I wish it did.
Please keep reading and posting. This site has been a life saver to me as both an RA and a recovering codie.
One other thing - you probably know that rehab isn't a cure. However, it is often the place that will plant the seeds of recovery in even people who don't want it, though it may take time. My motto is pray for the best, expect the worst, reality will often be somewhere in between.
I do pray for the best for both you and your brother. We can't fix him but we can definitely be here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I am following posts by two people I truly admire. I'm both an RA (recovering addict and/or alcoholic) and I have/had loved ones who are/were A's (addicts/alcoholics).
I came here as the RA, found my "second home" in the friends & family forums.
Like Zoso said, you had to find your bottom or whatever made you choose sobriety. Your brother needs to find the same.
For me, it has been harder to be the loved one. We KNOW that recovery is great, but they may not want to hear it.
What I can tell you, from my own experience, is that no matter HOW much we know about addiction, our loved ones may, or may not, want to hear it.
What we can do is take care of us, al-anon meetings, SR, wherever we can get support.
Knowing all about addiction doesn't mean that we don't hurt when someone else is suffering from it. It doesn't mean that what we've learned will affect them. I wish it did.
Please keep reading and posting. This site has been a life saver to me as both an RA and a recovering codie.
One other thing - you probably know that rehab isn't a cure. However, it is often the place that will plant the seeds of recovery in even people who don't want it, though it may take time. My motto is pray for the best, expect the worst, reality will often be somewhere in between.
I do pray for the best for both you and your brother. We can't fix him but we can definitely be here for you.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jan 2015
Posts: 3
I just wanted to say thank you to you all. I'm finding the best support is from people who have been through this. You are completely right that I can do nothing more than I've done, pray, and turn him over to God. So hard when I have no guarantee of the outcome.
I really want to talk to him, but I'm also afraid to talk to him bc he's probably not in the greatest of spirits and it's not his job to reassure me anyway. His job is just to be in his process.
I have started alanon. One of the women lovingly said "why can you trust God with your recovery, but you can't trust him with his?". That hit a chord for me.
Trying to pray with my feet, as my sponsor says and continue to go on with my life.
I really want to talk to him, but I'm also afraid to talk to him bc he's probably not in the greatest of spirits and it's not his job to reassure me anyway. His job is just to be in his process.
I have started alanon. One of the women lovingly said "why can you trust God with your recovery, but you can't trust him with his?". That hit a chord for me.
Trying to pray with my feet, as my sponsor says and continue to go on with my life.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I really want to talk to him, but I'm also afraid to talk to him bc he's probably not in the greatest of spirits and it's not his job to reassure me anyway. His job is just to be in his process.
I'm glad you started Al Anon, and even happier that the words of member stuck home with you. Keep it up. You've fought hard battles before. You can fight this one, too.
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