mnh1982

My husband is a recovering addict on Suboxone. We have had nothing but problems in our marriage with his drinking, continuing to associate with enablers & former suppliers (including his own brother who has no intention of getting clean...), & we now have an amazing son age 3 mos.

It appeared on the surface as if my husband has really been making progress. He stopped drinking (or so I thought) & was really stepping up to help out with the baby.

Then, yesterday morning, I went into our bedroom to clean up a bit & found a Coke can he had made into a pipe hidden under the blankets. He says he "only smoked pot the one time because he was having trouble sleeping".

I don't buy it, & even if that IS true, I am having a hard time figuring out why I should accept that excuse & his apology.

...should I?

I don't WANT my little guy growing up separated from his daddy, but I can't raise my son with dishonesty & continual trading one substance for another for another. And the baby doesn't deserve to be in a household where his parents argue & are upset at each other.

I feel very alone & like all I have is my son, & he, me...

Thanks for listening.

Angelscry

Mnh I am so sorry that you have to go through this. I'm in a similar situation so I can't offer any advice. Please take care of yourself and your baby. Talk to someone you trust it helps a bit.
Keep posting there are wonderful people here that will help you and support you.
Huggs and prayers!
AC

zoso77

Nor should you.

All of us here at FFSA, to one degree or another, have found ourselves in a position where we've had to make decisions that we didn't want to make. So I empathize with where you're at. All I can tell if you is if you're unwilling to tolerate your husband's behavior going forward, then don't. Especially since there is an infant in the picture.

Do what you think is right. For you, and for your son. And we'll stand with you when you make that call.

mnh1982

He's making this decision for me. He hasn't been seen nor heard from by myself or his dad (whom he was supposed to stay with last night) at all...the only lead anyone has given is that he's probably with his brother. His brother is an alcoholic user who is the worst possible influence on my husband.
In my opinion any apology or "good intentions" just went straight out the window since his solution to his own messing up is to go off on a bender & disappear because he doesn't feel like dealing with the problem.

zoso77

Agreed. So based on that, show him the door.

mnh1982

How can I do that safely, though? He has a key to the apartment & I'm not sure how long it might take to get someone over to change the locks...my son is at the sitter's & if I asked them, they would keep him long enough for me to go get his things & find somewhere to stay for the weekend, but then that's AH winning because I'm the one relocating, not him...

zoso77

That's not winning, and if it were a victory, it would be a Phyric one.

Do you have friends and family in the area?

mnh1982

I have friends in town & my brother/sister in law an hour away. However, I also do not have a working vehicle of my own (AH was supposed to fix it but surprise surprise, hasn't...). There are several places that I COULD stay with friends but he knows where they live & therefore those are not the most secure places. Tempted to just check us into a hotel for a couple of nights as at least that way he wouldn't know where we are.

zoso77

I would give your brother a call and ask if you could stay with he and his wife for a few days. To me, that seems like the safest play because of the distance.

Having said that, let's see what our other members think. We have a really good knowledge base here, so it wouldn't surprise me if another member came up with a better idea than mine.

Do you feel in any way physically threatened?

mnh1982

I don't feel physically threatened by AH nor do I really think that he would ever do anything to deliberately hurt our son, but his brother is a real piece of work who has no boundaries & has never liked me. If they are together, odds are at the very "least" (HA. HAHAHAHA.) they're drinking & smoking pot, so. Better safe than sorry, right?

zoso77

OK.

Let's solicit our members and see if we can get a consensus on what would be best for you and your son. I think your brother's is a good option simply because of the distance, but let's get some other ideas...

mnh1982

It's worth mentioning that my brother is a cop...

buggirl46

mnh, you would need to turn off gps on phone so he can't track you also.

ladyscribbler

I packed when my ex was on a bender. Too drunk to see what was in front of his face. I rounded up all the important papers first, then went from there. I got the car fixed. My ex was also supposed to take care of that but didn't. Must be a common denominator. The passive aggressive promises to do something with zero follow up.
If you're not in danger, then you have a bit of leisure to plan. Since you are married, you might want to contact an attorney for a free consultation on the legality of leaving with the baby or kicking him out. You might file for legal separation and temporary custody at the same time.

Dee74

If you feel you need to get out, your brothers sounds like a good option for now mnh?

D

Ann

Your brother may come and get you, if you were my sister that's what I would do.

I am going to go out on a limb here, I have no way of knowing, but the pop can and his behaviour sounds more like crack than pot. The reason I mention it at all is that the behavious of someone high on crack can be far more erratic than that of someone on pot. You may be in more danger than you think.

Regardless of all that, you need to be responsible for your child as well as yourself and going someplace safe and where addiction does not live just might be a very good idea right now. You can make a plan for your future from there.

Please call you brother, if he's a cop then he knows what he is dealing with here and will keep you safe.

Or call a women's shelter, they too will make sure you and your child are safe while you make a plan.

Prayers out for you, this cannot be easy, but the hard truth is that doing the right thing is very rarely easy.

Hugs

Impurrfect

I agree with the above - It's not a matter of whether he "wins" by you relocating, it's safety for you and your son. Yes, it's hard to get to that frame of thinking, but many here have been through the same thing. Safety first.

I also agree with Ann that the coke can makes me think of crack. I say that because I'm both a recovering crack addict AND a codependent who has loved ones who are/were addicts. I've smoked crack off a coke can, and crack is bad news.

Regardless of what he is using, he's showing you what is his priority - using. It hurts, but you and your son don't have to go down this path with him.

I'm glad your brother is a cop - more than likely, your husband will NOT come there all messed up and cause problems.

I also agree with talking to a lawyer. I know this is hitting you, all at once, but because you are married, what HE does can affect you and your son.

Protect yourself and your son, sweetie. Whether you think he will become physically unhinged, or not, it's not worth the risk of finding out you were wrong.

Please keep reading and posting. There are so many people here who have been through similar situations, and even though some of us haven't (like me), we are here for you.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy

zoso77

Well, then this decision becomes (comparatively) easy to make.

Jaeger

mnh - I just wanted to check on you and your son.

hopeful4

I hope you went to your brothers. My sister and her husband are both police. There is no where I feel more safe than with them, and when I am there I know a peace like nothing else.

Thinking of you and your dear baby!