Kelslol

I haven't had a chance to read any posts here yet,but I will. Are there ever happy endings with marriages that go through addiction? Or am I wishinf for something that has too small of a chance? It's hard cuZ he is a very good guy and my family and friends adores him and everyone I know loves him, it would be hard to let go of that person that I fell in love with and that I know is there

hopeful4

It really depends on his own mindset. If he wants recovery and is willing to work on it each day for the rest of his life, it can work. Those that want to recover absolutely can. However, if his heart is not in it for himself, it does not happen too often. Addiction changes people. Ultimately they are not the person they once were. It's very said, I completely understand that.

Where is his mindset in all of this as far as recovery??

ForeverAlways

I made 30 years but I can't say they were all happy at all. We started very happy and in love and my guy was a good guy too. As he progressed his personality turned mean and he would say horrible things to me. I had to divide him into two people -- Good AH and Bad AH. The bad one took good memories and twisted them into horrible memories. Good and Bad sharing one very sick brain until Bad was all that was left. Since his death two of my sons have dreams of a healthy dad in heaven. He had to die to get well. I used to think it would be easier if he just died -- that did not work out. I mourn for the guy that was and the life he threw away.

Kelslol

I mean he is active in recovery but not as active as I would think he would be. He goes to 2 aa meetings a week and we go to church on Sunday (something we started after his using). He only talks to his sponsor about 1-2 times a week. I feel like my husband thinks he's "too good" for addiction. I think he believes he's already beat it and that he has nothing to worry about. He says that he doesn't need meetings everyday like some people do and he doesn't struggle with the pills. He says he struggles with quitting chewing tabacco. He says he doesn't want to sound cocky but he said nithing will bring him back to that place again. To me that's good, BUT I also think it's ifnorant on his part. I think his stubbornness is making it to where he is not working recovey every single day. He wants to live his life like "normal". Now all he does is drink 2 red bulls a day and I feel like that's substituting one addiction for another. I know red bulls aren't nearly as bad but they aren't good for you! I worry that he's too confident about all of this

Kelslol

@foreveralways im so sorry to hear that! I definitely can see a change in his personality from when we first met and now. It definitely changes them. He's not at sympathetic or compassionate anymore. I was crying the other day and he didn't even console me, it didn't even seem like it bothered him. Who knows. Drugs are the devil and it makes me so sad that this happens to good people

ForeverAlways

It happens too much. My AH went to church with me in the beginning and I can hang on to the comfort that he was Christian when he died. He prayed but he did quit going to church in later years. Once when he was high on something he chased me around the house to get his rib back as in Adam and Eve. I would never have believed that AH would ever turn on me and I still am shocked 23 years later that he did this to me after we were so happy for the first 8 years. I never saw it coming. Take care of YOU and I pray that your guy will recover and be the man you thought you married. Mine promised me Forever and Always with a minimum 50 year plan.

hopeful4

I don't say this too often, but have you thought about doing marriage counseling? Some of these issues just seem like they are actual issues about him rather than his addiction. I get the fear of him relapsing. That won't go away for a long time, if ever. That does not mean that you cannot go to counseling and see if you can work towards doing things to make each other happier and be able to voice your needs and fears, as well as him doing the same, in a safe environment.

As many say, more will be revealed in time. Until then, work on your own recovery so that no matter what happens you are strong enough for whatever comes your way. For me, that meant therapy, Celebrate Recovery, being open and honest so I have a support system, and of course the wonderful people here at SR. I had to be able to see past all of my codependency and work on me!

XXX

ps...my X husband who is a rip roaring alcoholic sings in our church band every single Sunday. I am not minimizing church, but it too is like anything, it's what is in your heart that counts.

Kelslol

Ya we started marriage counseling last week and we go again tonight. I think he needs help with facing life cuZ his family has always lived a life where everything is great and they don't talk about their problems. That's why I think counseling will be good for him. CuZ life is not always great and when it's not we have to talk about it. It's funny cuz I talk about EVERYTHING so u would have thought he would have learned after 5 1/2 years of being together, but I guess not lol!!
The problem I have is that I don't have much time. I'm at that age where I want kids and I don't have years to wait around to make sure he stays sober. I don't want to lose out on children cuZ I'm babysitting my husband for the next 5 years making sure he isn't using. I don't mean for that to sound harsh, but I'm ready for a family. I was ready last year when we started trying. Thank god I didn't get pregannt. I guess things really do happen for a reason!
I really appreciate everyone's input, you guys are aweosme!!!

brightdaysahead

Here's a little more on my story. I hope this helps you in some way. My husband is in early recovery, too (alcoholism). My husband also only attends 1-2 AA meetings/wk. Ditto with his sponsor, church and no individual therapy. It bothered me the number of meetings he might or might not attend and no therapy. I thought he could attend more as well. My husband is successful. He knows what level of effort is needed to achieve a goal. From my perspective, 60+ hours of work compared to 1-2 hours of AA wasn't going to cut it.

I finally let it go and decided to let him chart his own course of recovery. In the meantime, I did a lot of thinking and soul searching. I landed with this conclusion for myself: I did not want to live my life with alcoholism. My H would need to choose me and our children or alcohol, but it would not be both. The choice was his to make. So, whatever # of AA meetings he wanted to attend, he now knew where I stood.

By the way, you can read my original post (at the end of December). My husband's father and grandparents were also alcoholics. I never knew any of this until a few months ago. We've been married for 21 years. Imagine my surprise...

Last week, my husband and I were talking, and he said "I am hurt you would leave me if I drank again. I can't think of anything you could do that would cause me to leave you." I simply said, "I have a list of 7-8 reasons why you should never drink again typed in a word document. I'd be happy to print you a copy." He didn't want the list. I wrote that list so I would never forget why I made the decision I made. It's given me the strength and confidence I need...among other things I've done for myself lately.

I hope something of what I wrote helps you. Ultimately, it's your decision to make - stay or go. In the meantime, continue to take care of yourself, educate yourself, find your support, read the post on SR, etc. You'll know what's best for you.

Lost2000

Welcome to SR!!! Please know that you are not alone in this. In fact, I am going through the same thing with my husband... PILLS! I can't even stand that word anymore because pills have taken my husband from me. Sadly, I don't trust a word that comes out of his mouth. I believed his lies for so many years that I am to the point that when he speaks, I assume it's a lie.
I feel terrible that you are going through this as well but you came to the right place of advice as well as support. Keep your head up girl!! Hopefully both of our situations will work theirselves out.
Take care,
Lost

Kelslol

I'm so sorry you are going through this as well!! It's so sad and your right.. The word pill just makes me cringe!!! My husband was spending close to $3000 a month on pills and he's been sober for 93 days now but my resentment, betrayal, hurt, sadness, loss are still there! Therapy has been helping me, but I don't think its for everyone. I hope you can figure out what you are going to do as well! It's not an easy decision, and I see you have children so that must make it much harder. I hope you can find peace and answers soon

CodeJob

Just popping in to say hi Kelsol!

Lost2000

Thank you for your kind words! I am glad to hear that your husband is sober!! That's truly a blessing! My husband on the other hand, says he does not have a problem. Which is plain crap!
Can I ask you a question please? You said you are going to counciling which I have been thinking about going myself. Do they give you suggestions as to how to heal yourself from the pain your husband caused? I am speaking as of today and I don't think that if my husband stopped taking pills that I would ever be able to get over what he has done to me. It's been 7 years of lies, thousands and thousands of dollars wasted, sneaking around, car repossessed and now we are filling for bankruptsey. I blame most
Of our fininical problems on his addiction. I am a Christian so as hard as it has been, I have forgiven him. But with that being said, I still hurt. I have full blow anxiety attacks sometimes when I am around him because one, I can't keep up with his raising thoughts and two, I never know how I am going to have to deal with him and it's all proving
To be way to much for me to handle.
I am sorry to going on and on. I just needed to get that off my chest. Thank you for listening!!

BlueChair

I wanted to pop in Lost to share a little. When I started counseling with the rehab addiction doc it helped me process all that had happened, and begin to deal with my own feelings so I could heal. My husband had a much more brief time of using but did a lot of damage during this time. We were working on our marriage, but its hard to move forward together when there is still a lot of pain and hurt inside. Counseling or therapy whatever you call it can help pull out the poison but it can be an emotionally painful process too. In the end for me it was worth it. Good luck to you! And yes! they should offer you tools to obtain improved coping skills as part of it.

Kelslol

Lost,
Ya it's helping me a lot. Originally we started as couples therapy but she thought it would be better to work with both of us individually. She has been helping me talk about by resentment and the pain im feeling. I have full blown anxiety attacks as well (which never happened to me before). I have so much resentment and anger towards him and I want to control everything and she's helping me stop that. She gives me goals to focus on each week. This week was to try alanon, and in going tomorrow night with my best friend. Next she wants me to work on trying not to tell my husband what he needs to do to stay sober. She wants me to let him do it all on his own. its going to be extremely hard but I'm really trying. She said that can help witha the hostility between us. I confided in her that im contemplating dovorce and she basically told me that if I choose to stay with him my life will always involve addiction (whether sober or not) and I have to realize if that is soemthibg i want or not. I told her that I would feel so much embarasse mesnt and shame if we were to divorce and she said we can work on that if I choose to go that route. I think it has helped me a lot so far. It's nice to talk to someone who knows about addiction and can help me in a non judgemental way. You can always try it out and if u don't like it, u don't have to conjure it just know that focusing on. Your own happiness right now is crucial!!! The anxiety sucks and it makes everyday hard but we need to remove the anxiety to live a happy life