brokenheart435

I haven't talked to or seen my AH in over 6 weeks. He's constantly on my mind and in my dreams. I try so hard to stop thinking about him, I pray for God to take him out of my thoughts but I just can't get him out.
The way he just abandoned me and the kids without any remorse... To know that we're constantly hurting while he's out enjoying his new life and "family"... and to see the kids cry for him, asking why he doesn't care or love them anymore just shatters my heart over and over and over again.

Knowing he's out there with his AGF, without any thought of us. Taking care of her, loving her and playing daddy when he's around her kids when he can't even take a minute to call and see how his kids are doing makes me sick. I can't stop crying, it hurts so much. I have so much anger and hurt inside of me it's overwhelming at times.
I still can't understand how someone can go from such an amazing loving man and father to this, just leaving his family and going on about his life as if we never existed. I feel so used, I feel like a worthless piece of trash that he's just thrown away. I know i'm not perfect and I worried about him too much and called to check on him too much but I had no idea he was using drugs, I was so blind...now looking back I see how blind I was to so many things but even when I questioned him about possibly using he always made me think I was crazy for even thinking that way and since he had never given me a reason not to trust in all the years we've been together, I stupidly believed him.
I just keep thinking maybe if I had known that he was using and gotten help for myself sooner that we could have made it work. I could have worked on me and not bothered him so much and bugged him so much. I could have learned how to dettach while still being with him. But instead I feel like all I did was run him into the arms of another woman and push him into doing more drugs.
I know its sick of me to think that way, especially since he's been cheating on me for like a year now with this woman, but I just love him so much. I keep wishing this is all just a bad dream and i'm gonna wake up and we'll be back to the loving couple we once were, with him telling me constantly how much he loved me and how beautiful I am and worrying about me, telling me how great of a cook I am and my kids would be happy and have thier daddy home again, hugging them and telling them how much he loves them. But sadly it's not a dream this is my reality.
I feel like such a failure, I never in a million years imagined us not being together and especially not separating like this....after we had finally gotten married Our wedding anniversary is in a week and a half and the closer it gets the harder it gets. I'm just so broken.

We've gone to a couple of Alanon/Alateen and Celebrate Recovery meetings and some days I feel ok like i'm gonna make it and then there are days like today and yesterday where I just hurt so much and don't know that this pain will ever go away.

Sunday my daughter begged and begged to talk to him, she just wanted him to know how much she loves and wants him to know how much he's hurting her. It was horrible having to see her in so much pain. I know it hurts me and i'm an adult so I can't even imagine how hard it must be for my children.
We don't even know where he is staying right now or really have any way to get ahold of him. Which I guess in this case is probably a good thing but it I just get so worried, wondering if he's ok and constantly thinking of him with this other woman is slowly killing me.

I thought living with him was hard but sometimes I think this is even harder. At least when he was home on his good days I could feel his arms around me and sometimes see that amazing man I fell in love with. But now he's completely gone.
Does it ever get easier? will these thoughts of them together ever go away? will he ever care how he's hurt us or how much we miss him? Does he even think about us or are we just a distant memory that he's trying to erase? The thoughts that run though my head and the pain in my heart is so overwhelming
Sorry for the long post I just need to get all of this off my chest

AnvilheadII

I think family counseling for you and the kids would be ideal right about now. your family looks different now, the dynamics are different and you could all use some guidance on how to deal with that and how to talk to each other as time moves along.

it will get easier....but i think six weeks is way too soon to be ALL BETTER. you have a lot of stuff to work through and try to make sense of.....time will give you perspective....and wisdom.

IMHO, i don't think he should "get away" with walking away from his family, not making any effort to give an address and simply STOP any financial support.

zoso77

BH...you cannot view his behavior without viewing it through the prism of drug addiction. What he's done, as much as you don't believe this, isn't about you. It's about him and the cognitive cluster**** going on between his ears.

Personally, I think the other woman's behavior is egregious. To allow a sick person around her children is unconscionable. But again, sick attract sick. And be aware that there is no foundation underneath their feet. The moment either one of them has to stand up and be counted -- to be a mature, responsible adult -- is the moment the thin ice under their feet starts to crack.

Ugh. I hate reading something like this. When children get caught in the vortex of a parent's addiction, it's an awful, awful thing.

Yes.

No. Everyone we've loved, everyone we've lost, everyone we've hurt and who've hurt us, we carry for the rest of our lives. As it should be. There will come a time where the sting of those thoughts has subsided. But you'll carry a wound, and that's OK. You'll learn, in time, how to protect it.

Anvil makes a good suggestion regarding counseling. The kids, God bless them, are going to personalize what he's done. And that's because they're kids. You're an adult, and the longer you hang around here, you will come to the realization that he's a sick, sick dude. The kids aren't yet capable of that sort of detachment from it. Counseling will help them come to terms with their feelings, and it will help you as well.

Sorry you're going through this. I'm sorry it hurts. But I get where you're coming from, and trust me, you will get through this.

Whitewingeddove

So sorry for the pain you are going through right now. I'm glad you are putting your feelings out here. There are so many wise wise people here who have been where you are. Sometimes its literally one minute at a time...my heart goes out to you and your children!

brokenheart435

Anvil
Yes, I need to look into some kind of counselling as well. It's just so expensive, I am still looking for something that I can afford for us to go to cause I really do think we need it as well. My son especially because he holds in his feelings more than my daughter does and it's hard to get him to open up much about what he's going through and I know that it is not healthy for him to hold all of his hurt and anger inside.

I know it's gonna take awhile. I just don't know how much more i can take of the constant thoughts that run through my head. I try so hard to push them aside but they constantly creep back up on me

I don't think he should either but I'm not sure what to do or where to even begin looking for him. I'm not even sure if he's still employed at the same place. Pretty much all of the friends he works, I recently found out, are addicts too so of course they won't tell me anything, they just protect him. And the one who was his supervisor...who was also our best man...I asked him about my AH a few weeks ago and all he will tell me is that he's ok and that they're trying to get him off of the drugs. But if he's still with this woman who's an addict and still hanging around with the same addict friends and not being in contact with us then I don't believe that. Either his supervisor is lying to me or my AH is lying to his him.

brokenheart435

Zoso
Thanks. My brain knows this...my heart is having a hard time accepting it, although I know I have no other choice.

I think this woman is sick too but if she uses around them then of course why would she care that he does too. I don't believe she really has custody of any of them because she's an addict herself but she has them believing that he loves them and want to marry her and to make them a happy family. All while we're just here suffering and he goes on to make a completely new life for himself and them.
I don't know that either of them will ever quit...she found someone to take care of her and support her habit and he found someone that will let him do whatever he wants and that just leaves us out in the cold. Trying to scrape by to survive.

It is a very awful thing. My kids don't deserve to be hurt the way they have been. This disease is so selfish, it makes me sick

I keep praying everyday for it to get easier.
It hurts even more knowing these thoughts will never go away. I guess this is one of the reasons people start using to begin with, to forget all the pain and bad things that happen in their lives. I mean I know my AH didn't have the greatest childhood but I tried to make it a better adult life for him so that he didn't have to worry or suffer through that anymore, my parents love him so much and showed him affection that his parents never did. I thought he was happy, but I guess I was wrong.

Yes it definitely hurts to see them hurting. I hate that they take blame for what he's done and how he's abandoned them. I try to reassure them that they are NOT to blame and that I love them SO SO MUCH, but the feelings they have inside are hard to deal with. They hear me telling them it's not their fault yet the action of their dad not coming around anymore makes them think otherwise. I will continue my search for affordable counselling. I tried to get them to talk to their school counsellors for now but they are too embarassed. I'm hoping and praying they will become more comfortable in their Alateen meeting to open up and share. I know it's hard for them because they get jealous of the other kids talking about their visits with their dads, even when they're not good ones, they still miss just seeing and hearing from him.

Thanks for your encouraging words Zoso. I greatly appreciate you!!

brokenheart435

Thank you WWD
It took me a couple of days of holding it in to finally be brave enough to release it. I'm not sure why, I know that's what SR is here for, but sometimes I just feel like it gets old, or no one wants to keep hearing about this from me. I know the main confidant I have in my family is getting sick of hearing about my hurt, so I don't really have anyone to talk to about it anymore.
I'll take all the advice and support I can get.

Fate2012

Brokenheart,

I'm going through a similar situation. My AH left (I really kicked him out after finding out things) b/c of his lies and relapse and he has a gf/drug partner that uses as well who lost her child b/c of drugs.
I have the same feelings you do. Could I have done something differently? I have to try and remember I can't control him or his behavior. One day he will realize he is in a hole and hopefully get help. I would like our children to have some sort of relationship with their dad once he is healthier but not now.
I cry at night once the kids go to bed and the Dr. gave me an Rx for anxiety that helps on bad days. Also, just taking a nice bath helps too. You are not alone, I feel your pain. I still don't understand addiction and how people can change so quickly. It's like everytime my AH opens his mouth it's a lie. So I know, I don't and can't be around that. When I hear the phone ring or someone knock on the door I think it's the cops to say that he is dead.
I'm so sorry that your children are in so much pain, they need you more than ever.
Have you thought about calling a county assistance center in your community about low cost or free counseling?
Praying for you.

hopeful4

Check around in your community. I know here where I live, there is family counseling for anyone in an abusive home currently or in the past, including verbal and emotional abuse. It's free.

Check with your church. Ask around at Celebrate Recovery of any discounted or free programs. Have a college near you? I know here you can council with someone who just graduated and are in their clinical internships for $5. Call the medical society in your area.

It's leg work, I understand. However counseling is a great thing and would really help you.

Tight hugs XXX

brokenheart435

Fate
Thanks so much for responding. I hate that you are having to go through the same pain and suffering that I am. Although I am grateful to know there are others who have been there and understand...even though this is a pain I would wish on anyone EVER.
I have been trying to keep us busy with codependency meetings and bible studies and youth groups etc. Doing things with them on the weekends, trying to keep our minds occupied with other things so we don't think about it as much.
But for me nights are the hardest, as well as early mornings and slow times at work.
I know that feeling of crying after the kids have gone to bed, while in the shower, before they wake up, driving to and from work.
I try my best to be strong for them.
It's crazy how quickly addiction can completely change someone. From an amazing person to an unrecognizable monster...well to us anyway...he doesn't seem to be that way to others, just to his family.

I never thought about calling county assistance. Thank you so much for recommending that!! I will call and ask about that today.

Thank you for your prayers we sure do need them and I will be praying for you and your children as well.
Please feel free to message me, I could use any and all support and am here to help give you support as well.

GOD BLESS *HUGS*

brokenheart435

Hopeful
Thanks so much for the suggestions and help in finding counselling. My mind hasn't been the greatest to even think of trying those things. I am greatful for the help and ideas you offer. I mostly have been looking through my insurance, school and work. Didn't think to try those other things, but I will definitely look into that.
Thank you so much!!

Tight Hugs right back at ya!! I appreciate you XXX

hopeful4

Your very welcome, I appreciate you too!

Definitely ask ministers, teachers, really anyone who can give you info. There are resources out there, sometimes they are not as publically known about as they should be. Even rehabs in your area will be familiar with family counseling that don't cost much. Be willing to check in places you never thought to check before!

Keep posting, even if you just have to vent sometimes. There are no people who understand more than those here at SR!

GracieLou

I don't have any advice but I feel you are in good hands here, just wanted to say I am sorry you and your children have to go through all this

brokenheart435

Thanks Hopeful
I will for sure try that!! I have a Celebrate Recovery meeting this evening so I will ask them there as well. I will also check with the kids youth group director to see if he may have any or can direct us to any info.
Thanks for helping me to see and think "outside the box" with this!! I sure wouldn't have been able to think of that on my own

*HUGS* xxx

brokenheart435

Thanks Gracie
God Bless You
*HUGS*

brokenheart435

I went to my Celebrate Recovery meeting last night.
I have the hardest time opening up in front of people I don't know. I really wish I could though cause I have so much anger, hurt and pain I need to get off my chest but it's just so hard. I open my mouth to speak and it's like there's a huge ball in my throat not allowing me to say what I need to say and I just end up in tears.
I have some major issues to work through. I pray everyday for God to take over my thoughts, but some days I feel like he's ignoring me or that he needs me to suffer longer before I get past this.
I know it hasn't been that long... but it has been long enough to make me feel like i'm going crazy. The pain I feel inside is just too much to bear. I don't know how anyone makes it through this.
From reading here on SR I know people have and it can be done, I just at this moment don't understand how and I wish I knew how and I wish that my mind and heart would work together to be rid of this pain.

secondwind

For me, the pain went away when I forced myself to see how much better life is without the Addict.

Sure I had one less "adult" in the house and I was much busier...

But the stress of the Addict was gone.

I would much rather handle the stress of everyday life and bill paying alone then Addict stress.

The pain will go away in time. It is different for everyone. We all grieve in our own way.

brokenheart435

Ya that's true. I just never actually knew that he was an addict until after he was gone.
Not that it matters much now. He was one...is one... and I have to learn how to deal and let him go.
I definitely need to work on the anger i have inside.

Thank you

killerinstinct

He's an idiot and doesn't deserve his children and this will end in a bloody mess for him.. Trust me you are stronger than you know

Fate2012

]Thi s stress with my separated AH is at times to hard to handle. I go to a therapist and have friends I confide in but my pain, and anger are so deep. I miss him even though he was an addict (active) most of our marriage.
Now he is with someone new from NA and it stings that he is supposedly "in love" with her. So I feel like I got rejected by a reject. My self esteem is practically non existent. Its hard to understand how someone can pick a woman who lost her child over drugs versus his own family...we have two beautiful young boys.
I feel so alone and my friends can't relate. Thanks to everyone here I do have an outlet where people understand.