sashbey

Hi. I am 31 years old and I just recently started dating a recovering addict. He has been completely open and honest with me since day 1. Unfortunately my mom and best friend do not approve. They have yet to meet him yet are completely against this relationship. They don't seem to care about the fact that he's been clean since he got in trouble. All the see is the fact that he's on probation for getting caught a few years ago. Not wanting to give a chance to see the man he is today. Things with him just feel right and natural. He's one of the kindest men I have ever met. How do I talk to them about it? I don't want to not date him, but their opinion means so much to me. I am honestly so torn right now.

Mags1

Hi sashbey, welcome to sr.

I've not had your experiences, I was the drinker in our house,but there are a lot of people who know where you're at who will answer you. Just wanted to say hello.

zoso77

Sashbey...

Welcome to the Board. I hope your time with us provides you the support that you need going forward.

Honestly, I can't tell you what you should do in terms of the relationship. And that's because I don't know him. More importantly, neither do you. But as time goes forward, you're going to learn a lot about him. As you learn, all I can tell you is to not be in denial about what you see or hear.

We've had a lot of young women come to us with a story similar to yours: they meet a guy, he says he's in recovery, he doesn't do that stuff anymore, he's the nicest guy I've ever met, etc. And then a few months go by and she notices something is wrong. And then shortly after that, the guy that was the nicest guy she'd ever met has turned into her nightmare. Search for posts similar to yours. Read them. Absorb them. And then make the best decision for you.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

Vale

What Zoso said...........

chicory

Hi,

The only thing I would underline is to become knowledgeable about addiction, and what recovery looks like.

Your family obviously loves you and does not wish you to be hurt. They have the right to their feelings about this, as you have to yours.

I hope you will stick around and read, and keep your mind open.
We wish you the best, and are here for you!
chicory

Karrets

Hi I also don't know your chap but the same happened to me feel free to read my posts. I have came to believe on here that recovery is a life long commitment and should be as visable as if he was taking drugs.
I hope for your sake and future he is in recovery and remains to be.
My family judged my partner my parents eventually have him a second chance. Then I covered and protected him when things went wrong. I became a stranger to my parents my sister never accepted him and unfortunately she was right to do so. He stole thousands from me. .. I enabled ... I did things I swore blind I wouldn't do at the start of the relationship.
I'm not saying your chap will be like this but just be aware and look after yourself xx

Hope7726

I'm not saying he's not a good person but just know that you are entering dangerous territory. Only you can decide what is best but I echo what chicory said about educating yourself. Learn all there is to know about addiction and recovery. Before I met my AXBF (addict ex-bf) I knew nothing about either and I think I was under the impression that staying clean was enough. It's not. Read here. Like zoso said, there have been many people in your situation.

As far as what your mom and friend think, they're going to have their opinions regardless of what you say to them. There is no sense in wasting energy trying to get them to like this guy. They have your best interest at heart but they are not showing it the right way.

killerinstinct

They see the bigger picture, it takes years of work on oneself to change and probably will for him and in the meantime you'll have to deal with all of the exhausting set backs... They just don't want to see you heart broken and can see the whole situation from a mile away

killerinstinct

They care about you and are worried, with addiction whether in recovery or not many times your stuck in a black hole and it takes a long time to break free... It's your life, you'll figure it out and you'll do what you need to do when the time comes to you. . And believe me if he is horrible to you and you start to get confused and worried and things start changing you'll always have a safe place to speak to someone on SR.

Txhelp

Recovery will take a lifetime. Read, listen and gain information about what it looks like. Truth is always best.

AnvilheadII

no knowing your history with previous relationships, it's hard to give a fair assessment. but considering they have never even MET this person. or know him by any other means, they may just hear ADDICT and want you to run very fast the other way.

on the other hand at 31 years old, you don't need to please THEM, nor do you need their approval.

tomsteve

Zoso posted some good stuff there.
Nothing against him as I don't know him, but being on probation for " getting caught a few years ago" has me thinkin. Not sure what it is, but it has me thinkin with apprehension.
Happen to know the crime? Addicts can be very manipulative even in recovery. Yup, may sound open and honest, but some of us are pretty good at knowing what to say and when to say it.
As stated, idk know him and many of us have made a complete turnaround, but something about that statement has me apprehensive.

IMO if their opinion means so much, ya may want to think about it. They may see or hear something you don't or possibly know your own past dating experiences and the type of people you date.