brokenheart435

I haven't heard a word from my AH in almost a month. The kids and I didn't hear a word from him for Christmas or New Years and found out he asked his AGF to marry him on Christmas Eve...we haven't even been separated for 2 months and have never even talked about getting divorced.
Just a few minutes ago I got a call. I didn't know the number so I didn't answer but there was a message from him telling me he needs to come get stuff from the house. No hello, no how are the kids, how are you NOTHING. Of course what did I expect I guess...honestly I was hoping when I finally heard from him it would be for something more than just because he wanted something. UGH who am I kidding.
Today was the first day since he left that I haven't had a sick feeling/knot in my stomach and was keeping him out of my mind and of course then I get this call...just hearing his voice and that sick feeling is back and I feel heartbroken all over again.
I hate this having to live in fear of if he's gonna come over bugging again or being afraid to leave my kids home after school while I have to come back to work thinking he might go over and try and play on them loving and missing him to let him in so he can take off with our stuff or something. The kids seem to be doing a little better after the youth meeting last night. I don't want them all worried and stressed after he comes (and more than likely will make broken promises to get what he wants) and then leaves them again. I was praying to hear from him again but not like this. Why is this so hard Why doesn't he care at all what he has and is putting us through. :'( His voice sounded normal but i'm sure he was just high. If he's still with that girl and hanging with the same friends I don't believe he's clean. UGH I hate this feeling
I worry what if he goes to the managers and asks them for a key so he can get back in or something.
I'm so afraid I don't know what to do.
How can just hearing his voice make me feel like this

zoso77

Uh oh.

I would be extremely concerned about allowing him to come to the house. What stuff does he want?

brokenheart435

He said his ******** and some other things. I don't know what he's doing or going to go do. I don't want him coming around at all right now. I mean my heart does but after everything I know better...I know he's not coming around cause he loves us but only to take things, use us and hurt us more. I worry if i'm not there the kids will let him in because they miss him so much.
I am gonna see if they can go hang out with someone while i'm at the Celebrate Recovery meeting because I don't want them there alone, I don't trust him to use their love and missing him to allow him in the house when i'm not there.

cynical one

Can you put all of his personal belongings in boxes/bags and take it to a mutual friend/family members home so he can pick it up elsewhere? No sense getting the children upset if a little preplanning can avoid it.

zoso77

Honestly, I wouldn't allow him to come over. I would ask him to provide a list of what he needs, and you can FedEx/UPS it to his current address.

See, part of what makes an addict so infuriating (and unintentionally funny at times) is they really believe they operate in a space where their actions have no consequences. It's a function of their self absorption. Well, actions do have consequences. And in my view, those consequences should include your home being off-limits.

In other words, eff him.

Now, if you do as I suggest, I would expect him to be nasty. After all, how dare you enforce boundaries!! But given where you are emotionally, and given the fragile state that the kids are in, you really need to protect yourself.

Get his address, ship him his stuff, and be done with it. My $0.02.

hopeful4

I agree with Zoso. You don't need to expose yourself or your children to this if you can help it at all.

brokenheart435

Yes I can and have been packing it up. It just takes awhile because he has SO MUCH STUFF...crazy for a man that only had a plastic box with some clothes, a shoe box with some papers and a pillow when he came to live with me and now he has so much!!
The only problem is he won't tell me exactly where he's staying just a general area and the friends I did know have all moved since the last time I've been to their houses so I woudn't even know where to take it. We're the only family he has here...all his blood family is in Mexico.
I guess I could meet him somewhere or something after it's all ready, I just don't know if I have the strength to see him right now.

brokenheart435

Again the only problem with that is he will not give me his address. I don't know what he thinks i'm gonna do other than use it to serve him with divorce papers. He does Construction work so he works at different sites and I don't know where he's working at now. He doesn't want me to know where he's staying. He frustrates me so badly

zoso77

BH...read very, very carefully.

Do not give yourself permission to become his target. If you agree see him, that's what will happen. He will kick you when you're down. Trust me on this.

If he won't provide an address, then he doesn't get his stuff. It's that simple.

atalose

If you know you don’t have the strength to see him then don’t! Take control of this situation with reality and stop allowing your heart to lead.

YOU pick a time when he can come to your address and you will have his things outside of YOUR home for him to collect.

That way you don’t have to see him, don’t have to engage and you can also have police standing by if you suspect he may get out of hand.

hopeful4

Ok, here is the deal. My XAH would not even get his stuff out of my house. So, I took one day and literally packed it all up. I got sick of dealing with it. It took many hours, but I did it. It was not all nice and neat, but it was in boxes, and it was done. My advise to you would be to do the same. Just tackle it. Get it done. Have a friend come help you. Don't get caught up into examining any of it. Put it in a box and move on.

I had it all in the garage and allowed him to come pick it up when my children and I were not home, but I trusted he would not take anything that was not his. You don't, so read on....


This is going to cost you a bit, but it will be worth it. Go rent the smallest storage locker you can find for one month. Tell him AFTER you have put it in there that he can go get it. Leave directions with the owners to give him a key upon request.

Then, be done.

brokenheart435

That's what I am worried about too.

That's what I plan on is not giving it to me if he doesn't give an address, but what do I do if he comes harassing me and the kids for it or tries breaking in or something because I don't give it to him. I'm not sure I could even call the police if he did that since we're married and he's on the lease i've been told it wouldn't be considered "breaking in".
These are the things that make me afraid. He has never hurt us before but being on that stuff and angry at me, I have no idea what he's capable of. Nor do I want to know.

brokenheart435

Thanks! That's a great idea ...
I just hope he won't come bugging before then like he did the last time when he wanted the title to the car. He would not leave us alone until I gave it to him. Its scary... I trusted this man with all of me, he never would have done anything to hurt us before but now he's such a comletely different person. I don't even know him anymore and don't trust him at all.

Eauchiche

I wonder if his new "fiancé" knows that he is still married. If she does, she must be a REAL winner!
This is another situation where your situation parallels mine in several respects. I swear these guys all go to the same school some place to learn this stuff.

hopeful4

And change your locks!

suki44883

Perhaps you should check with legal counsel before you do anything. Laws vary between states and it's possible that you don't have the legal right to change locks or get rid of his stuff without allowing him a chance to come get it. The fact that his name is on the lease could preclude you from doing certain things. It's best to get legal advice. I know how awful this feels, but I'd hate for you to do anything that could come back to bite you in the butt.

brokenheart435

Yes she does. and oh yeah a REALL WINNER...She text me all kinds of ignorant things from his phone just before I had it shut off. It took everything in me not to go hunt her down. If it wasn't for my children, I probably would have. She's not even worth it. She's disgusting and he's stupid for wanting that. She's with him and everyone else, but that's what he wants I guess.

I know right!! It sure seems that way

brokenheart435

Yeah I changed them a couple of weeks after he left. He was going in and taking things while he knew we weren't home.

brokenheart435

That's exactly what I worry about
I have left a couple of messages but haven't heard anything back yet. I'm not sure who else to ask.
It's horrible that they can just get away with so much and we are left to deal with the consequences of their actions and to pick up the pieces.

Hawkeye13

I like the storage locker idea quite a bit.
Maybe get a friend and drop that stuff off tomorrow and be done with it and him?
If you've got it boxed up already, just drop it off and walk away.

Maybe you can leave the key with the storage office itself with his name on it.