Introduction-we've reached rock bottom
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Nashua, Nh
Posts: 6
Introduction-we've reached rock bottom
This is going to be hard, but I need to put it all out there. I'll try to keep it short
My husband of almost 11 years is addicted to opiates. I found out after we were married and I was 32 weeks pregnant. We've had some really rough times, including him overdosing, losing his job, spending money we don't have, et cetera.
I love him so much, but I have no trust in him and always feel like I'm second best and that I'll never be what makes him happiest, because I can't compete with drugs.
I've almost left him many times, but I haven't because despite his addiction he is a really good father and I dint want to break up our family.
Years of feeling this way had broken me. The last few months I've been in self destruct mode. I'm so miserable at home that I've started trying to find happiness else where. I had an affair with a heroin addict who just got out of jail. I did some really stupid stuff with him. I started trying to get high to see if I could escape the way my husband does. I started shooting coke and even tried heroin a couple times. I loved the rush from coke, but I'd always feel guilty and depressed afterwards. The heroin just made me sick.
This method did not work for me. I just ended up feeling even worse about my situation. On Monday night I told him everything. That went as horribly as would be expected. It was the first time he has ever laid his hands on me. I'm a martial arts instructor and know how to defend myself and how to fight. So that didn't end well for either of us.
Tuesday we had a long, calmer conversation. He decided he still wanted to be with me and I told him that the only way this would work was if he stopped doing drugs. He agreed to get clean. He started out patient rehab last night. I really hope this time it works.
I need to fix myself in order for my marriage to work. I'm so broken. Our life had been ruled by drugs for so long. I don't like the person I have become. Our children are acting out because of the stress in the house. I feel like such a failure and I hate myself for letting it go this far. In hindsight I should have left years ago, but I didn't. This is the last chance, for both of us.
I don't entirely know the point of this post. I just needed to get it all out there and not feel so alone.
My husband of almost 11 years is addicted to opiates. I found out after we were married and I was 32 weeks pregnant. We've had some really rough times, including him overdosing, losing his job, spending money we don't have, et cetera.
I love him so much, but I have no trust in him and always feel like I'm second best and that I'll never be what makes him happiest, because I can't compete with drugs.
I've almost left him many times, but I haven't because despite his addiction he is a really good father and I dint want to break up our family.
Years of feeling this way had broken me. The last few months I've been in self destruct mode. I'm so miserable at home that I've started trying to find happiness else where. I had an affair with a heroin addict who just got out of jail. I did some really stupid stuff with him. I started trying to get high to see if I could escape the way my husband does. I started shooting coke and even tried heroin a couple times. I loved the rush from coke, but I'd always feel guilty and depressed afterwards. The heroin just made me sick.
This method did not work for me. I just ended up feeling even worse about my situation. On Monday night I told him everything. That went as horribly as would be expected. It was the first time he has ever laid his hands on me. I'm a martial arts instructor and know how to defend myself and how to fight. So that didn't end well for either of us.
Tuesday we had a long, calmer conversation. He decided he still wanted to be with me and I told him that the only way this would work was if he stopped doing drugs. He agreed to get clean. He started out patient rehab last night. I really hope this time it works.
I need to fix myself in order for my marriage to work. I'm so broken. Our life had been ruled by drugs for so long. I don't like the person I have become. Our children are acting out because of the stress in the house. I feel like such a failure and I hate myself for letting it go this far. In hindsight I should have left years ago, but I didn't. This is the last chance, for both of us.
I don't entirely know the point of this post. I just needed to get it all out there and not feel so alone.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
I am sorry for your pain, and welcome to SR. You are not alone. Others will be along with their ESH (experience, strength & hope) as well as their blunt and wise observations.
My first thought after reading your post was: Rehab! For both of you, maybe, but definitely for your husband. And face-to-face meetings, like AA, NA or Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, depending on how you want to start working on yourself. You cannot make him stay sober or change his ways, but you can work on yourself.
I wish you strength and wisdom as you move forward, and I especially hope your children are safe.
My first thought after reading your post was: Rehab! For both of you, maybe, but definitely for your husband. And face-to-face meetings, like AA, NA or Al-Anon or Nar-Anon, depending on how you want to start working on yourself. You cannot make him stay sober or change his ways, but you can work on yourself.
I wish you strength and wisdom as you move forward, and I especially hope your children are safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Nashua, Nh
Posts: 6
I need help, but not rehab. That was a short lived experiment that I have no desire to repeat. I only included it to give an idea of how bad things are. Counseling is probably what I need and people who understand what I'm going through.
My children are safe. They are the reason I'm pulling myself out of this and giving my marriage one last chance.
My children are safe. They are the reason I'm pulling myself out of this and giving my marriage one last chance.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2007
Location: Atlanta
Posts: 31,179
I agree to counseling!!
I will tell you that my first issue was codependency (though I didn't know it at the time) then addiction - I drank to put up or catch up with my XABF.
I spiraled down into addiction, lost a lucrative career. Years into recovery for both addiction and codependency, I'm all about "what is it that *I* need?!?!"
Take care of you, the rest will fall into place.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
I will tell you that my first issue was codependency (though I didn't know it at the time) then addiction - I drank to put up or catch up with my XABF.
I spiraled down into addiction, lost a lucrative career. Years into recovery for both addiction and codependency, I'm all about "what is it that *I* need?!?!"
Take care of you, the rest will fall into place.
Hugs and prayers,
Amy
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board. You and I are practically neighbors.
This is one of the saddest first posts of a new member that I've read in quite some time. When we're hurting inside, we're often susceptible to making decisions that come back and bite us hard. Seeking solace outside your marriage may yield short term relief, but the consequences of such a choice can be enormous.
Drugs only offer one thing: a dead end road. It takes strength and courage to face what we're feeling. Numbing yourself creates more problems than you had before.
Regarding your AH:
I hope it works, too, but I'm less concerned about him and more concerned about you. Because we are practically neighbors, when you're comfortable enough to do so, PM me and I can give you some direction as to how and where you can get treatment locally.
Be safe.
This is one of the saddest first posts of a new member that I've read in quite some time. When we're hurting inside, we're often susceptible to making decisions that come back and bite us hard. Seeking solace outside your marriage may yield short term relief, but the consequences of such a choice can be enormous.
Drugs only offer one thing: a dead end road. It takes strength and courage to face what we're feeling. Numbing yourself creates more problems than you had before.
Regarding your AH:
Tuesday we had a long, calmer conversation. He decided he still wanted to be with me and I told him that the only way this would work was if he stopped doing drugs. He agreed to get clean. He started out patient rehab last night. I really hope this time it works.
Be safe.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Nashua, Nh
Posts: 6
Thank you everyone. I definitely need help, I just don't know where to start. Zoso77, I would love some information about what help I can get locally. I tried to send you a PM but I couldn't because I don't have 5 posts yet. Can you send me one?
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: Nashua, Nh
Posts: 6
I got your pm. Thank you. I'm mainly posting this so I have 5 posts and can respond to it.
Today is a bit better. I still hate myself, but I don't want to hurt myself. I have to be strong for my children.
Today is a bit better. I still hate myself, but I don't want to hurt myself. I have to be strong for my children.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Coming here was a great start. I agree with everyone who suggested counseling. It is an absolute MUST for you at this point. Hopefully there are either Al-Anon or Nar-Anon meetings in your area. You are not alone and you don't have to be unhappy anymore!
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