KeepinItReal

As most of you know - i'm not done. I understand I can't save my AH and realize that nothing I do will influence him to stop or keep going. With that being said - I know that I need to protect myself. Also, that I need to make my own moral choices and do what I feel is right. I know that it's best for me to not allow an active addict in my house. Again, he has stopped using and is saying all the right things. So after begging me to let him come home for the past week or more I said yes. With conditions. Of course. I have to laugh at myself.
He's going to help me more being there than if he wasn't there. That is a hard truth. It's hard being a single mom. Not un-doable but HARD. I have no desire to do everything by myself. Work 6 days a week, do all the sports, laundry, dishes, house cleaning.... by myself. So.. this time he's doing an out patient program. I believe he doesn't want to lose me or the kids and knows that his addiction will cost him that. I don't want to lose him either.
So my losing faith last for about a day. Seriously. I'm so DONE - and then 24 hours later - there's me.. hoping that he will get better again.
So, knowing that I will face some harsh comments and some realism that is always appreciated I am not holding back what is really going on. Staying honest with myself - and you all - is important.
So, it's not advice i'm seeking, just some moral support. I know I may be making a wrong choice but i'm taking the chance anyway. Maybe because I just can't stop believing in him that he really does want to be better.

Twofish

Dear KIR,
I'm so sorry you are stuck in that revolving door, it hurts. But you haven't given up
and that's ok too.
IMO, I'd set those strong boundaries and stick to them. It sounds like he's trying and that
he loves you and the children. Giving him another chance isn't a bad thing, I've done
it before with favorable results.
Just be guarded, watch for those triggers, have him earn back
your trust and respect.
You sound like an excellent, responsible loving momma and wife. I wish you great hope
in your husbands positive recovery! Keep us posted on how 1) you're doing and
2) his recovery.
Take care,
TF

zoso77

Well, that's your call. And as long as you're aware that you have to own the outcome, it is what it is.

AnvilheadII

Boundaries? got em? good!

Whitewingeddove

Truly, no judgement here.. Went through all of the above and then some with my DH for 15 years or so until he finally got clean.

With that being said.........all I can offer is that while we came out on the other side, and he is a success story with almost 10 years clean.....I still have the battle scars to show for the war, and am not/nor ever will be the same person I was before.

Don't get me wrong, I am glad we made it through it all and still are together and have eachother, but God forbid something should ever happen to him, I will never ever go through that again with another man...I lost too much of me that I can never get back.

Good luck to you! You are truly the only one who can know when you are ready to draw that line in the sand that says "enough"!

Keep posting

jjj111

KIR, I hear you come back to this way of looking at things a lot at moments in your cycle when you are feeling like giving it another chance: you seem to circle back to this thinking that life is easier with him, that it's hard being a single parent and that having him around makes your life easier. Maybe it would be really useful to examine that belief? Think about what the benefits of having him around are, and also try to remember what some of the drawbacks are? E.g. on the one hand he can help out with the kids, on the other hand he might steal things while alone in the house with the kids. On the one hand, the child care he provides might save money, but on the other hand there is a chance he might cause financial problems again by selling his car or some other valuable item. On the one hand, he might help out sometimes, on the other hand being with him might prevent you from finding a partner who is even more supportive. These are just examples of a pro/con list that come to mind. I certainly can't say whether the help he brings outweighs the problems, just suggesting it might be useful to be very conscious of the pros and cons of having his "help."

Hope7726

I only hope you are making the health and happiness of you and your kids priority. And I truly wish you the best! We are here no matter what happens.

KeepinItReal

Hope7726 - my health has been a priority of mine this year. I have been tracking everything I eat for the last 345 days!! I'm really proud of myself. I make good choices for myself and am generally content and happy with my life.
My home is a safe comfortable place for my kids. I want nothing less than a good childhood for my kids. Which is why I got sober and clean to begin with. My kids mean everything to me. If thought for one 2nd that he would do anything unintentional or intentionally to hurt them he would be gone and never allowed back. The worst thing he did to them ... ever... was go to jail and steal an ipad that was the kids because he knew it was going to be able to be easily replaced for Christmas. This is not okay. It will never be okay that he did that. After that - and him selling his car he did go away to jail and then to a program that he dropped out of.

zoso77

KiR...

I posted this question on another one of your threads, but I'm not sure if you've seen it so I'm going to post it here.

How did you go from accepting what he is to allowing him to come home?

I'm not asking this to be difficult. My goal is to challenge your thinking a bit.

Has this changed at all from earlier this month? I'd be willing to bet no. So the only thing that has transpired from then to now is your denial has taken hold of you. Are you prepared to pay the price if this blows up in your face?

KeepinItReal

I have to think about it more. I am pretty confused admittingly. One day I'm so sure I'm done and the next day I'm willing to wait.
I'm going to focus more on what I like to do, exercise, music and playing with my kids. Im sure It's possible to have conflicting thoughts as like I said, am really confused.
As far as what he really believes, wants or does It's between him and his higher power. I'm just hoping he keeps me out of it. He had to leave for being a liar and choosing heroin. He knows I don't believe him. It's complicated.

Lily1918

I'm not done either KIR. My AH is still in jail until August and Im giving him a chance when he gets out. In total he will have been gone 1 1/2 years, but the closest Ive ever come to giving him the boot was locking him out for the night several times, maybe one whole day. That being said...

I really think it's harder to be a mom in a relationship than being a single mom. I've tried to balance my romantic relationships and my life as a mom with disasterous results in the past. I always said that the children came first, but my husband wore me out! All the drama he brought into my life! Relationships can be so distracting from motherhood. Even healthy marriages often go through dry spells while they have children.

AH's pressence in my life right now is minimal. I write and talk to him once a week or so. I was so afraid to be alone so long with my two kids ! I totally get how you feel! Now though, with one years space in between I can see the difference. I have boundaries still, but they're never crossed. I have cash in my purse right now. Not exactly sure how much, or where exactly in my jewelry box my diamond earrings are but Im sure they're there. My Daughter loved being in the summer program for childcare and made new friends she never would of made if she had been home with AH. Now that I can sleep in peace I dont mind getting them up for school. The laundry isn't that bad, if it gets out of control, then I will drive it all to the laundrymat and do it all at once. The housework doesnt really matter anymore as much as I thought it did. I enjoy being the only adult in the house now that Im used to the change. Being a mom is hard! I believe it's all equally difficult no matter what. The situations are just different. Working, single moms have positives to their lives that married (possibly stay-at-home) moms do not and vice versa. Whats the definition of a "good childhood" anyways? My dream childhood probably looks very different from my daughters.

Soberintexas007

Hi KIR,
I guess our stories share similarities in that I am choosing to stay with my AH despite his track record. He has close to 4 weeks sober from alcohol and is doing great. It seems that both of our husbands are moreso staying sober for us rather than themselves, which is not a good prognosis according to the research. But oh well. I still have hope and believe that the fear of losing someone you dearly love can keep a partner sober for a long time.

I know that you stated that you realize that nothing you do will influence him to use or not use. I do believe that we have an influence. I often remind my husband how different his behavior is now that he is not drinking, and I also share some stories with him about he used to get when drinking. I also help him work through cravings when he has one. I don't know for certain, but these interventions on my part could be helping him and having a positive effect on his sobriety. For example, if he was having a craving and I encouraged him to just give in this one time and take a drink, that would also have an influence on him in the other way, and I do believe he would give in to the craving, which would show my influence. However, even though I do believe we have this influence, ultimately we do not have control over our partner's ultimate decision to drink or not drink.

In other words, I believe that we do have an influence on our partner's sobriety, but we do not have control. I do what I can to help my husband, but I cannot ultimately control the outcome.

Needabreak

"I have to think about it more. I am pretty confused admittingly. One day I'm so sure I'm done and the next day I'm willing to wait.
I'm going to focus more on what I like to do, exercise, music and playing with my kids. Im sure It's possible to have conflicting thoughts as like I said, am really confused. "

This confusion....sounds to me that what you are really confused about is your own boundaries. And what you're willing to put up with.

As far as trying to "influence" him, haven't you been working on that for 4 long years now? And here he's still coming home wasted and stealing stuff from you?

There's a thin line between "influencing" and self-sacrificing. And putting up with a father who comes home wasted and steals stuff from you doesn't sound like a very good example to the kids.....

zoso77

I don't necessarily believe you're confused. What I think is more likely is you're not allowing your brain to know it knows. Because if you took your heart out of the equation and allowed your brain to know what it knows, there would be no way in hell you'd allow him back.

Love can be a beautiful thing. But love can also be a serious impediment when it comes to making definitive decisions about our lives and how we protect ourselves.

You really, really need to consider if you want to pay the price for allowing him back home. And you can't be in denial about what that price is.

Whitewingeddove

Zoso77 speaks the truth. There is always a price. I paid one by staying with my DH. As I said in my previous post, we are in a good place now (our relationship anyhow) and he is clean.
Statistically though, I don't think this is the norm....I could have just as easily fought the battle, lost the war, had the battle scars, lost myself, and STILL have been without him at the end of the day.......
I sometimes wonder what type of impact this all had on my AS, and if things might have been different for him now had I taken him and left his father back years ago....I try not to let myself "go there" too much, as it is too dark of a question, and pointless to ask since I can't turn back the clock.....but it creeps up every now and then......regardless.......and as a parent of child lost in the horrors of active addiction, trust me, its NOT one you want to have to ask yourself someday 10 or 15 years from now....

BlueChair

I saw your name and wanted to come by and lend support. Its awesome youve stuck with your healthy living plan all year. I bet you feel so much better! Im sorry your husband relapsed, hes starting an outpatient? Great! Im sorry for your confusion, you know weve been talking and chatting as we go through the Beyond Addiction/craft book, and it talks about ambivalence. Its ok for you to have one foot in, and one foot out. Its a little bit of the process maybe? We've also been talking about limits, and its ok to hit your limit for a day, or based on an isolated incident, and its also ok to reach a this is the final straw Im done forever limit if it comes to it. Maybe just accept at that point when he lied and was using, when u felt he had given up it brought u to your limit. But seeing him still fighting for himself and for you, then it changed things in your mind. Its ok too.

AnvilheadII

KIR, i just breezed back thru all your past threads and outside of addiction the one other consistent theme has been how much YOU don't want to be a SINGLE MOM. got me to wondering......what IS IT about that term, about that state, that bothers you so much? is it JUST the running around, doing stuff part, or is there something deeper?

If I am a single mom, that means.......................what?

KeepinItReal

I have been a single mom for years at a clip. It wasn't a bad thing. I took care of the kids, paid my bills still enjoyed life.
So I have been thinking about what you asked. What does that mean? I'm still processing the question. Maybe the answer isn't coming easy because there's a deeper issues. The question immediately throws me into thought about my parents relationship.

KeepinItReal

I have been a single mom for years at a clip. It wasn't a bad thing. I took care of the kids, paid my bills still enjoyed life.
So I have been thinking about what you asked. What does that mean? I'm still processing the question. Maybe the answer isn't coming easy because there's a deeper issues. The question immediately throws me into thought about my parents relationship.

Twofish

Hi Bluechair!
Its so good to hear from you! You have great experience in this area of addiction...
when your hubby admitted that he had a problem...a disease...an addiction.
You're a strong wife to go thru what you did, I have great respect for you and
remember well what you had to do to "Fix" you! You gave many of us HOPE!
This is not the common outcome, however.
You've also worked very hard on your own codependency. A lifetime of recovery...
I hate this disease so much, it's so strong and powerful over it's victims....
Zoso also speaks the truth. There's always a price. Addiction is very sneaky,
it confuses and takes hostage of your heart and mind and body.
It sometimes makes love hurt and blinds us to the truth...
KIR...when you reach your breaking point, and only you will know when that is,
enough will be enough.
As Bluechair and Zozo both pointed out, you're priority is to work on you( and your children)
the only person(s) you truly have power over to fix.
To be alone in the future, with or without children, is a very scary place to think about.
You know what he has done in the past and what he has done in the present, does this
say anything about what he might do in the future?
We only can tell you our stories..take what advice you think might help you,
and leave the rest behind.
Work on YOU, dear KIR, don't make a decision on what your "heart" tells you...listen to
what the facts are telling you.
I will say a prayer for you for strength and I'm sorry this is happening to you at Christmas time
Stay strong!
TF