New Here. Here's my story ( sorry its a long one)
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 45
New Here. Here's my story ( sorry its a long one)
Hi! I don’t know if I can say my real name on here so I wont but I will tell you I am 34 years old and I live in NY .
2 years ago I met my boyfriend. We had the greatest relationship. I loved every second I got to spend with him and hated when he had to go back home. So after a very short time he moved in with me. I was pretty sure I had found the man I was going to marry.
I knew he was a recovering addict ( he was shooting up heroin) but it didn’t bother me. He was a great guy and he made me very happy.
2 months after he moved in with me I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared about how he was going to react. We had only been together for such a short time but when I told him he cried and couldn’t be happier he was going to be dad and we were going to be a family. I really believed everything was going to be ok.
3 weeks later I lost the baby and we were devastated. I became very depressed and he didn’t know how to handle the situation and after an argument he left and came back drunk and on heroin. My boyfriend doesn't know how to handle stress so that's the first thing he does to avoid negativity at all costs. I couldn’t believe he relapsed. I wasn’t angry at him I was scared he could of died and I helped him through his withdrawals and he was ok after a few weeks. He went back to work and we talked about a lot and things were ok again.
3 weeks later he text me at work that his friend needed his help and he was gonna go help him, I said I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to be around that stuff again because of what he went through and he said he would be ok cause he never wanted that to happen again ( I look back now and I realize that I was stupid for believing him, addicts can't be around drugs or alcohol ever ) . This time he went missing for 19 hours, he didn’t answer his phone and I believed he was dead. I called every hospital in the area he was in. I found him in my apartment the next night sick as a dog. This time I was angry at him for doing this to himself all over again and for missing for so long. He lost his job this time because he couldn’t even get out of bed to make a phone call. He said he was sorry but I didn’t care this time and I didn’t speak to him for a month. We eventually worked things out but I told him if it happens again he can't stay with me , he said he understood and he wouldn’t do it anymore ( and again I believed him because I wanted to believe that we were gonna be ok and I wanted to trust him)
Fast forward to this past June he got a job ( after 9 months of not working) and he was really happy he finally could help out financially) . He started drinking at the end of June ( I lived with an alcoholic for 7 years and do not allow alcohol in my apartment so he was sneaking it ) and on July 4th weekend I found his drink and it had vodka in it. I woke him up and told him to leave my apartment if he doesn’t have respect to not drink around me and he got up and beat me up. He moved out and the cops were called.
I was so upset that the man I love and the man I thought loved me could change so quickly. I became depressed and angry and didn’t know what to do.
A month went by and he contacted me, he told me he was sober and after a while I decided to see him ( stupid maybe but I missed him so much ) . We started to hang out and things seemed ok. I didn’t not forget what he did to me but I believe it was the alcohol, the man I knew would never hit me he doesn’t even like to argue.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend went food shopping on Saturday. He made dinner and we watched a movie . I fell asleep and when I woke up I saw him in my bag which I just assumed he was putting my debit card back . The next day we were both up early he said he was gonna smoke a cigarette he went outside and never came back. I realized he went into my bag and took $ 20 I had for laundry , which is weird cause he had my debit card so he could have taken my whole paycheck. I finally got in touch with him and he's ( I don’t want to say the area he's in cause I don’t know if I can) and he sounded terrible. He apologized for not calling me and I told him to go to hell as well as a few other not so nice things.
I feel bad now for being so mean to him but he disappeared and he stole from me and didn’t even give me a call. I am guessing since he's doing drugs again that he doesn’t care about anything else. I have been calling him and leaving him messages and texts that I am sorry for being mean and I am worried about him and if needs help I will be there for him. I know there's nothing else I can do but I barely sleep wondering if he is ok. I have nightmares that he's dead. I have moments where I just break down and cry thinking I will never see him again or that he died, I think about what he must be going through and that he could be on the streets right now and it breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do and I don’t understand how this happened. I asked him once how can someone be on drugs and nobody notices it. He told me that after a while people do just enough heroin to actually be normal. I feel so guilty that I didn’t notice he was using again and if I had known maybe I could of talked to him about it. I am sure people are gonna say he doesn’t want help and that’s why he didn’t tell me what was going on but I feel like he's ashamed of what he's doing and didn’t know how to talk to me about it. I was gonna go outside with him that morning to smoke and if I had he may still be here, safe with me instead of at some drug house.
Can anyone give me advice on what I should do if he contacts me or comes to my place? I spoke to a friend of his who's a recovering addict and he told me to be there for him as much as I can be but if it starts to bring me down then I have to walk away. How will I know if he's high? If tells me he wants help should I believe him or is that just a way for him to have a place to stay until he wants to use again? Should I take his phone away so he can't call another user for drugs? I want to do what's right for him but I don’t want to make him and mad and then he leaves.
Thanks to everyone who read my story, I am sorry it was so long but I just wanted to let everyone know what I had been through with him up until now.
2 years ago I met my boyfriend. We had the greatest relationship. I loved every second I got to spend with him and hated when he had to go back home. So after a very short time he moved in with me. I was pretty sure I had found the man I was going to marry.
I knew he was a recovering addict ( he was shooting up heroin) but it didn’t bother me. He was a great guy and he made me very happy.
2 months after he moved in with me I found out I was pregnant, I was so scared about how he was going to react. We had only been together for such a short time but when I told him he cried and couldn’t be happier he was going to be dad and we were going to be a family. I really believed everything was going to be ok.
3 weeks later I lost the baby and we were devastated. I became very depressed and he didn’t know how to handle the situation and after an argument he left and came back drunk and on heroin. My boyfriend doesn't know how to handle stress so that's the first thing he does to avoid negativity at all costs. I couldn’t believe he relapsed. I wasn’t angry at him I was scared he could of died and I helped him through his withdrawals and he was ok after a few weeks. He went back to work and we talked about a lot and things were ok again.
3 weeks later he text me at work that his friend needed his help and he was gonna go help him, I said I didn’t think it was a good idea for him to be around that stuff again because of what he went through and he said he would be ok cause he never wanted that to happen again ( I look back now and I realize that I was stupid for believing him, addicts can't be around drugs or alcohol ever ) . This time he went missing for 19 hours, he didn’t answer his phone and I believed he was dead. I called every hospital in the area he was in. I found him in my apartment the next night sick as a dog. This time I was angry at him for doing this to himself all over again and for missing for so long. He lost his job this time because he couldn’t even get out of bed to make a phone call. He said he was sorry but I didn’t care this time and I didn’t speak to him for a month. We eventually worked things out but I told him if it happens again he can't stay with me , he said he understood and he wouldn’t do it anymore ( and again I believed him because I wanted to believe that we were gonna be ok and I wanted to trust him)
Fast forward to this past June he got a job ( after 9 months of not working) and he was really happy he finally could help out financially) . He started drinking at the end of June ( I lived with an alcoholic for 7 years and do not allow alcohol in my apartment so he was sneaking it ) and on July 4th weekend I found his drink and it had vodka in it. I woke him up and told him to leave my apartment if he doesn’t have respect to not drink around me and he got up and beat me up. He moved out and the cops were called.
I was so upset that the man I love and the man I thought loved me could change so quickly. I became depressed and angry and didn’t know what to do.
A month went by and he contacted me, he told me he was sober and after a while I decided to see him ( stupid maybe but I missed him so much ) . We started to hang out and things seemed ok. I didn’t not forget what he did to me but I believe it was the alcohol, the man I knew would never hit me he doesn’t even like to argue.
Fast forward to 2 weeks ago, my boyfriend went food shopping on Saturday. He made dinner and we watched a movie . I fell asleep and when I woke up I saw him in my bag which I just assumed he was putting my debit card back . The next day we were both up early he said he was gonna smoke a cigarette he went outside and never came back. I realized he went into my bag and took $ 20 I had for laundry , which is weird cause he had my debit card so he could have taken my whole paycheck. I finally got in touch with him and he's ( I don’t want to say the area he's in cause I don’t know if I can) and he sounded terrible. He apologized for not calling me and I told him to go to hell as well as a few other not so nice things.
I feel bad now for being so mean to him but he disappeared and he stole from me and didn’t even give me a call. I am guessing since he's doing drugs again that he doesn’t care about anything else. I have been calling him and leaving him messages and texts that I am sorry for being mean and I am worried about him and if needs help I will be there for him. I know there's nothing else I can do but I barely sleep wondering if he is ok. I have nightmares that he's dead. I have moments where I just break down and cry thinking I will never see him again or that he died, I think about what he must be going through and that he could be on the streets right now and it breaks my heart. I don’t know what to do and I don’t understand how this happened. I asked him once how can someone be on drugs and nobody notices it. He told me that after a while people do just enough heroin to actually be normal. I feel so guilty that I didn’t notice he was using again and if I had known maybe I could of talked to him about it. I am sure people are gonna say he doesn’t want help and that’s why he didn’t tell me what was going on but I feel like he's ashamed of what he's doing and didn’t know how to talk to me about it. I was gonna go outside with him that morning to smoke and if I had he may still be here, safe with me instead of at some drug house.
Can anyone give me advice on what I should do if he contacts me or comes to my place? I spoke to a friend of his who's a recovering addict and he told me to be there for him as much as I can be but if it starts to bring me down then I have to walk away. How will I know if he's high? If tells me he wants help should I believe him or is that just a way for him to have a place to stay until he wants to use again? Should I take his phone away so he can't call another user for drugs? I want to do what's right for him but I don’t want to make him and mad and then he leaves.
Thanks to everyone who read my story, I am sorry it was so long but I just wanted to let everyone know what I had been through with him up until now.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
Welcome to SR, lily. You'll find a lot of support here.
We cannot tell you what to do, but if it were me, physical abuse is a total deal breaker. I would never allow anyone who beat me up to ever be close to me again.
It sounds to me like he has been lying to you all along. He doesn't sound like he wants to quit using heroin. He just says what he thinks you want to hear. I think you can do much better. No one deserve to be stolen from, lied to and beaten.
We cannot tell you what to do, but if it were me, physical abuse is a total deal breaker. I would never allow anyone who beat me up to ever be close to me again.
It sounds to me like he has been lying to you all along. He doesn't sound like he wants to quit using heroin. He just says what he thinks you want to hear. I think you can do much better. No one deserve to be stolen from, lied to and beaten.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
Originally Posted by lily1122 
3 weeks later I lost the baby and we were devastated. I became very depressed and he didn’t know how to handle the situation and after an argument he left and came back drunk and on heroin. My boyfriend doesn't know how to handle stress so that's the first thing he does to avoid negativity at all costs. I couldn’t believe he relapsed. I wasn’t angry at him I was scared he could of died and I helped him through his withdrawals and he was ok after a few weeks. He went back to work and we talked about a lot and things were ok again.
I woke him up and told him to leave my apartment if he doesn’t have respect to not drink around me and he got up and beat me up. He moved out and the cops were called.
I was so upset that the man I love and the man I thought loved me could change so quickly. I became depressed and angry and didn’t know what to do.
A month went by and he contacted me, he told me he was sober and after a while I decided to see him ( stupid maybe but I missed him so much ) . We started to hang out and things seemed ok. I didn’t not forget what he did to me but I believe it was the alcohol, the man I knew would never hit me he doesn’t even like to argue.
Can anyone give me advice on what I should do if he contacts me or comes to my place? I spoke to a friend of his who's a recovering addict and he told me to be there for him as much as I can be but if it starts to bring me down then I have to walk away. How will I know if he's high?
I woke him up and told him to leave my apartment if he doesn’t have respect to not drink around me and he got up and beat me up. He moved out and the cops were called.
I was so upset that the man I love and the man I thought loved me could change so quickly. I became depressed and angry and didn’t know what to do.
A month went by and he contacted me, he told me he was sober and after a while I decided to see him ( stupid maybe but I missed him so much ) . We started to hang out and things seemed ok. I didn’t not forget what he did to me but I believe it was the alcohol, the man I knew would never hit me he doesn’t even like to argue.
Can anyone give me advice on what I should do if he contacts me or comes to my place? I spoke to a friend of his who's a recovering addict and he told me to be there for him as much as I can be but if it starts to bring me down then I have to walk away. How will I know if he's high?
I guess your post raises quite a few red flags. If he supposedly relapsed for 1 day when he found out you lost the baby why would he need to go through a few weeks of withdrawals? If you have been clean for a long time and relapse for one day your withdrawals would be pretty minimal if any. That would lead me to believe he was probably using for a lot longer than you realize - probably even BEFORE he knew you lost the baby. I am not sure if that would change your opinion of what you saw as a man who was supposedly "Devastated" by the loss of his child. Again just my speculation.
Secondly you have to determine what you can live with, but I have been messed up on drugs and alcohol for years and years and years and never once laid a hand on my wife. That just seems like it would be a deal breaker for many people, but that is up to you. I am not saying your boyfriend cheated, but I have never once cheated on my wife under the influence. I know drugs and alcohol lower your inhibitions, but I don't think that gives anyone a free pass. Cheaters cheat and beaters beat unfortunately. I am not saying they can never change, but to blame it on the alcohol is a dangerous thing to do in my mind.
He has to want to get clean with every fiber of his body. He probably doesn't want to lose you so tells you what you want to hear, but until you see true recovery I would steer clear of him. If he did show up I would tell him that and if he starts arguing call the police. Harsh yes, but if you let him back in it will just be another sign that you accept what he has been doing and it is honestly completely unacceptable addict or otherwise.
So sorry you lost that baby, but honestly maybe it was a sign. Maybe you knew something was going on with him and didn't want to admit it to yourself which caused extra stress on your system. This could be a perfect opportunity for you to move on before you do end up having a child or getting married to this man.
Good Luck and Take Care!!!
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Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 45
Marcus
Thank you for your reply. It helps to hear from someone who's been there. I am glad to hear you are doing well with your recovery.
When we lost the baby he went on a 48 hr of drinking and drugs. He felt better physically after 1 week but it took him a few weeks to start to feel mentally strong again. Im sorry I didn't explain myself better but writing all of this is hard for me.
I do think he could very well hit me again if he was under the influence which is why I told him if he ever came around me drunk again I would never speak to him again and he hasn't. I don't know how long hes been using heroin again but I am guessing since October maybe because that's when he lost his job. I believed him when he told me he got laid off but I knew deep down inside he was fired. I didn't think it was because of drugs I just thought it was because he hated the job he was at and was taking a lot of time off. I did tell him I knew he got fired and there was no reason to lie but he never admitted it to me.
I don't want him around me if hes still gonna use and if he shows up here I will tell him that, but if hes willing to get help either outpatient rehab or inpatient ( which probably wont keep him long since he doesn't have insurance) how can I just turn my back on him. His family doesn't care about him ( I can see why but still family is family) I had sent his sister a facebook message if shes heard from him and shes never responded which is pretty sad. I honestly would have him here safe and off drugs then out there doing god only knows what.
This is why I came here because I am so confused. If I turn my back on him and god forbid he dies I will forever feel guilty, but If I let him stay here and try to help him and he does this again I will feel like a fool. I have decided that if he does come here and I let him stay as soon as hes feeling better he needs to get a job and help out financially and if not then he cant stay here and he needs to go to a shelter or halfway house.
Thank you for your reply. It helps to hear from someone who's been there. I am glad to hear you are doing well with your recovery.
When we lost the baby he went on a 48 hr of drinking and drugs. He felt better physically after 1 week but it took him a few weeks to start to feel mentally strong again. Im sorry I didn't explain myself better but writing all of this is hard for me.
I do think he could very well hit me again if he was under the influence which is why I told him if he ever came around me drunk again I would never speak to him again and he hasn't. I don't know how long hes been using heroin again but I am guessing since October maybe because that's when he lost his job. I believed him when he told me he got laid off but I knew deep down inside he was fired. I didn't think it was because of drugs I just thought it was because he hated the job he was at and was taking a lot of time off. I did tell him I knew he got fired and there was no reason to lie but he never admitted it to me.
I don't want him around me if hes still gonna use and if he shows up here I will tell him that, but if hes willing to get help either outpatient rehab or inpatient ( which probably wont keep him long since he doesn't have insurance) how can I just turn my back on him. His family doesn't care about him ( I can see why but still family is family) I had sent his sister a facebook message if shes heard from him and shes never responded which is pretty sad. I honestly would have him here safe and off drugs then out there doing god only knows what.
This is why I came here because I am so confused. If I turn my back on him and god forbid he dies I will forever feel guilty, but If I let him stay here and try to help him and he does this again I will feel like a fool. I have decided that if he does come here and I let him stay as soon as hes feeling better he needs to get a job and help out financially and if not then he cant stay here and he needs to go to a shelter or halfway house.
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Join Date: Jun 2010
Location: Chicago
Posts: 1,125
I know walking away is easier said than done. I would be careful thinking anything you do is somehow going to change his recovery. What if he moves back in and he dies while living with you? Will you blame yourself then for letting him move back in? Saying maybe if I just didn't let him move back in he wouldn't have died?
I guess a few more questions. So you knew he was a recovering addict, but that did not bother you. How long was he supposedly clean when you met him? How long had he been using heroin? Has he been to treatment before? What did he do to get this recovery? Does he work a program (AA/NA) OR did he go to treatment OR was he seeing a Therapist OR was he on Methadone or Suboxone?
I have just seen what heroin does to people and all you need to do is look around this board to hear story after story. Unfortunately from what I have seen the success rate for getting off is not very good. It can of course be done, but since you are not married or don't have kids with him and have only known him for 2 years it might be best to move on now. Especially since a lot of that 2 years has been dealing with his addiction. I was married with 2 kids when my wife found out. We had been together 16 years and married 7 at that point and even then she was pretty close to walking out the door and probably should have.
Anyway this is just my opinion from past experience. Just take care of yourself and make sure you realize who he really is and not who you want or think him to be.
I guess a few more questions. So you knew he was a recovering addict, but that did not bother you. How long was he supposedly clean when you met him? How long had he been using heroin? Has he been to treatment before? What did he do to get this recovery? Does he work a program (AA/NA) OR did he go to treatment OR was he seeing a Therapist OR was he on Methadone or Suboxone?
I have just seen what heroin does to people and all you need to do is look around this board to hear story after story. Unfortunately from what I have seen the success rate for getting off is not very good. It can of course be done, but since you are not married or don't have kids with him and have only known him for 2 years it might be best to move on now. Especially since a lot of that 2 years has been dealing with his addiction. I was married with 2 kids when my wife found out. We had been together 16 years and married 7 at that point and even then she was pretty close to walking out the door and probably should have.
Anyway this is just my opinion from past experience. Just take care of yourself and make sure you realize who he really is and not who you want or think him to be.
RIP Sweet Suki
Join Date: Apr 2008
Location: In my sanctuary, my home
Posts: 39,902
If he dies, it has nothing to do with you. You cannot save him. He can only save himself. We have members here whose addicts died while they were living at home.
There is a reason his family has cut him off.
There is a reason his family has cut him off.
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