irisgardens

Have been in and out of the site for a few days...experiencing deep feelings and tears (I am grateful for the tears, but they are not acceptable in my family...so am fairly private about it).

My husband returned from Chile after 7 months after saying it would be 2 months and we are 3 weeks into the adjustment...so that is taking energy.

My meds seem to be kicking in at 6 weeks...and that is a relief...although I have always been careful with the meds I was prescribed 13 years ago...the stress right now is at the point where it was appropriate to ask my long-time doctor for more.

I was also prescribed and IOP which I have attended for 2 weeks...working hard to stay in...as the COBRA insurance payment hasn't been posted...but I know I need it and it is making me feel a bit more sane and grounded.

AD contacted me through facebook last weekend...it went ok--she is probably using as a lot of her messages were incoherent...and she also took affront at something I said...so when she asked me to stop (writing?)--I said ok--just suggested that she contact her father since she is angry with me.

She did...and he went to see her...she told me on the phone that she is almost off the needle and on methadone...and I realize that I am truly 'from Missouri'--don't believe a word she says...but it isn't my business anyway...so simply said...That's nice, honey.

The bf has also been contacting me through an intermediary (a very nice but naive Christian woman) trying to get in contact with me (why? because as my AD said last year at this time...because I am so nice that people know they can take advantage of me...yes...then clapped her hand over her mouth...as she is a truthteller...and that particular truth was not a convenient truth to be telling me...I listened and heard and have taken steps. I finally had to ask to not be contacted again...as I know this guy is manipulative and was trying to find AD through me (fortunately I didn't and don't know where she is).

It is always hard at the holiday season...for many years since my son and my dad passed away (10 years apart)--so I am pretending as if it isn't the holiday season...and will just play it by ear.

Grateful for my cat, my naranon literature, my IOP, my meds, my insurance through 12/31, staying in the present...and have internalized from the therapist that I need to find more support (it has been confirmed that my family is not supportive--it is much easier to blame me for the long-term depression than to be accountable for anything related to their own activities)--and so I have taken the time to chew that up, and internalize it and just continue asking God for miracles...they happen...I know this as I have experienced them in my own life and in reference to others.

Can't think of one more thing right now...but I do know that I need to get back on my feet, through the holidays...and to build better boundaries. Doesn't seem quite as overwhelming today as it did last week. Grateful for that.

Ann

Sometimes we can get overwhelmed by allowing what others say or do to get to us.

Those are the times we need to find our own peace, or a place that is our safe place where we can step away from the world for a while and just be left alone to collect our thoughts.

I have a corner of my bedroom, it overlooks the water and I have a little reading table and a comfy chair there and a small lamp, it's just a little corner but when I go there to read and get my mind off things, it really helps ground me again.

I hope you can find your peace and your safe place, away from the maddening crowd.

Hugs

irisgardens

Yes...my bed and bedroom has always been that place...am still adjusting to the one bdrm apartment and the smallness of the space...but I continue to do this...where i can read and sometimes watch tv...having a hard time with tv right now as all my previously favorite shows (criminal minds, csi, ncis) seem to reference heroin addiction right now...and i am bored with the reruns but need to conserve my funds right now...

i went to a weekly flea market today and walked as my husband looked for tools to start his job. i am also working on taking him at his word instead of all the stuff that I stuffed over the past several years as I was going from crisis to crisis and feeling the need to take drastic action...and just listening to him say that I need to take care of myself right now...and to perceive it as a positive statement...and also not to get too irritated with the fact that since coming home he takes control of the spaces according to his internal schedule because it has always been that way...it is just in the past...I had more support outside the family and also felt better about myself.

i have a candle that I light on my bedside table from time to time and working to not let all my ideas (have always been an idea person) get in the way of his need to do one thing at a time...because he is working on all the right things.

I do enjoy my kitty as the unconditional love helps me to have hugs and care in a time where I am sort of at my wit's end. I have always been strong at emotional support...for others...but realize that I have allowed myself to get burned out with this third addict and the continuing financial issues as the funds ran out from savings and retirement...on behalf of my previous addicts and support for husband's previous business (he is looking to work for someone now which is a step in the right direction).

I have had some thoughts and ideas for things in the past few days...and i have a storage locker that I have asked my husband to help me go through (he is adverse to this as the space we are in right now is so small and he can't stand clutter...) a bit so that I can try to sell something...maybe the flea market or maybe ebay...it seems overwhelming but I know that is a mind barrier...and I know that it will help.

Well...working on things...as best I can...life definitely will never be the way it was before and there is so much up in the air that I am trying to just let my brain hormones get better...and to follow some of the advice that I am getting...and only taking what works for me rather than the information that I seem to sponge up so automatically (have always been like this)...and praying for God's help...I have been told (as recently as 7 years ago when I terminated my long-term therapy) that I have made a lot of progress...and so I am trying to focus on the progress not perfection thing again...and to let go and let God as things unfold the way they will. Have had some outbursts with husband and I know that it is wrong...but my worry and resentment about all the financial loss is coming up...and well...not proud of it...and did apologize...and have continued to give hugs (I like giving hugs) and to touch hands, etc. I am probably just jealous that my kids only want to talk to their dad...and unsure of what will come...never imagined that it would be this...but it is what it is.

Praying for new interests...with the financial situation...mostly focusing on the budget (living within our means)--I do that like falling off a log as I did budgets for many years...and trying not to go 'kamikaze' as I tend to do when I get my deprivation (childhood issue) buttons pressed...so am eating as regularly as possible...and that is an improvement as before husband came home...was down to eating only crackers which isn't healthy...and adjusting to the silence between us as he told me quite honestly he is just focusing on what he has to do...so my hatred of being down and out and fear of being thrown away (it happened with my mother and ultimately the whole family of origin 12 years ago...after Dad died...so it is no longer something I can't imagine)--and left to be homeless while I am vulnerable.

Working on not letting the very clearly more mature people in recovery here push my perfectionistic buttons...and wondering when I will find that moment of joy...but above...found some...and my grandson is fun to be with...he is 4 years old and we get along just fine...he has a wonderful imagination (as I have always had)--and he talks as do I...and he wants me to play with him...which I do as much as I can make myself do so...I was brought up in a family that focused very narrowly on financial survival (during my childhood) and like Scarlett O'Hara...believe that I internalized...I will never be poor again...but that is where I am...and I am seeking to accept what is...and not to have airs or pride or believe I am too good for things. Raised my kids in a very affluent community as husband was a contractor and we were very blessed to find two fixer uppers in the same town over 29 years...but now I am focusing on living reasonably and with a very low budget...but without controlling the budget...and to be appreciative to my husband for what he is doing...

Ann

Irisgardens, the love and joy of a 4 year old grandson is far more heartwarming than any "stuff" ever was.

You will be fine, you know your priorities...and you have the hugs of a 4 year old to keep you going.

Hugs

irisgardens

Thanks Ann...working to focus on the joy he provides (he also feels safe with me...which only started in October when my daughter 'needed' help with childcare...). It reminds me that I am a safe person and a good person...because small children and animals like me...it helps to mitigate the decision my other daughter has made to make her choices around blaming me (probably for all the interventions I insisted on...as her addiction started her freshman year and escalated so quickly that she spent almost all of her junior and senior years in rehab). I finally told her that I have always known that she would make her own choices about me as an adult...and that I love her very much and would prefer not to hear her tell me that 'I don't love her'...because I remember carrying her in my belly and all the things I did out of love (misguided love but still the best I knew)--and so I have set that boundary...because it was just too much to be blamed all the time and to see the enabling...and when I was learning in the last 12 or 13 years...I realized that I would have to accept her choice when/if she started to live functionally...and so I told her this and told her that I accept her choices...although they are painful for me...but that is not within my control.

Vale

Small children and animals 'tend' to be
good judges of character you can't fake.

Twofish

Dear IrisGardens,
You ARE a good person and a good momma and grandma!
Your daughter, IMO, sounds like she is trying to guilt trip or blame you about
HER disease and how her life has been lived? It was her choice to be
involved with drugs, not yours.
Why do our addicted/recovering kids do that to us? Does hurting the
one person who loves them the most, make that decision to hurt us?
She sounds like she's all over the place...but she does trust you with
her young son, enjoy the love that pours out of a child...that little boy
LOVES his grandma!!
Enjoy and focus on him and the safeness he feels while in your loving
arms!
TF

Vale

In engineering, loads tend to accumulate on the
load bearing member....BECAUSE it strong.
Anchor to a beam....it can take it. Anchor to
drywall..... and you have a messy hole in the
wall.
You are not hurting because you are
weak, but because you have assumed the loads
of others who have abducated THEIR responsibility
as responsible adults to PULL THEIR OWN LOAD.
You are NOT weak..... you have been
strong for too long.

irisgardens

Smiling...had forgotten the part about animals and small children...but it does speak for my character.

irisgardens

thanks Vale...it makes me feel better...and again...before I hit this bottom...I remember 'knowing' this...so it is good to remember and to also trust that it won't always feel this way.

Vale

It won't....have faith.

irisgardens

Choosing to trust you, duck--and making it through...one minute/hour/day at a time. I am praying for guidance and direction and the energy to do each step.

Vale

I'll rip the down off my duck butt and stuff a pillow with it if it makes you feel
any better!

It'd hurt like hell....but no worse than the duct tapings to the wall---indignities
I suffer around here with some regularity.

Thinking of you, my friend!

irisgardens

:-) -- have enough blankets...let's keep the down on the duck!

Vale

Good! December is the wrong month to be downless.

irisgardens

Laughing...thanks duck.

Vale

Laughing better than freezing!

irisgardens

very grateful for the laughing provided by The Duck and Ann...on a regular basis...I join in just because it feels so good to be able to take the moment and enjoy!

irisgardens

mimicking something tf said a while back...

I am grateful for my friends here at soberrecovery and 'i am not alone, i am not alone, i am not alone'.

trying to let go of the nervousness of having the whole family together for a meal as I have had it confirmed by my therapist that I haven't had support from family for at least 2 years and possibly more as the financial issues with surviving during the construction downturn required a lot of focus and work to cut back but also to be honest and to work hard to make the holidays good...i am going to admit that sometimes i am processing old stuff...and it sucks...but it needs to be out of my system.

i have always been this way...even to the point of always (& I mean almost always watching reruns and old shows on tv). my doctor just says that I have been through a lot sustained over too much continuous time...that makes me feel better. this is a life transition...of some sort...and I am just trying to walk through it. wish i was able to figure it out in my brain as some do so well..but the clarity only comes when it comes.

will be very happy when the holidays are over...

Twofish

Dear IrisGardens!
You are so sweet and such a good person, momma and grand momma!
Yes, many a members have helped me, Ann and Vale (and others!) taught me to say to myself, over and over...
"I am not alone! I am not alone! I am not alone!"
When I WAS alone, and my hope was on empty, I would utter these 4 simple, yet
powerful words, and I felt some peace and hope settle in.
We both have been in long relationships, with so many rocks and holes and sadness.
We didn't know any other ways to live with it, but, we do have the biggest hurdle on our side...
We can FIX ourselves!! We know the tools...
And we will fight and fix and heal and get healthy again!!
Lets us all be happy for the holidays, we can relax, keep our hope on FULL
and to tell our brains to tell our hearts to tell those in active addiction or denial
or playing the "blame game" around us, "sorry, not wrecking this holiday"!
2015 can and will be better for us all, but only if we work very hard to make this
happen.
You, dear IrisGardens, ARE NOT ALONE! You have a few thousand cyber FAMILY
members that walk with you and care very much about you!
Please try to make this a happy holiday for YOU and that sweet grandchild that loves and looks up to you! Doesn't that alone, give you hope?
Merry Christmas! Many hugs coming your way!
TF