Finally heard from addict and WTF
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Finally heard from addict and WTF
I have posted a few times about my AXBF who relapsed and took off 7 weeks ago. No one had seen or heard from him during that time. His mom just called to tell me she found him. She was driving around the neighborhood where his car was found a few weeks ago (she does this a few times a week) and saw him at a bus stop. He got in the car with her and she took him to get something to eat. She said he looked "good," all things considered. This is what he told her, and obviously I know better than to believe anything he says:
He is working some type of job/s where he is getting paid under the table. That I believe because he has to be getting money somehow. He said he has no idea what possessed him to do what he did the morning he left (stealing my money and disappearing). He realizes he needs help and claims he went to a couple of churches and outreach centers and he is on a waiting list to get in some place (I guess some type of treatment program?) and they gave him a date of Jan 2. He told her he knows he needs long term treatment out of state. He said he is staying some place, a house not a shelter. He is still using. She dropped him at the transit station and that's it.
I could tell his mom didn't ask him very specific questions because there is nothing she can do for him and I'm sure she doesn't care to know every detail of his life right now. He has to want to get clean and fix his life and if he wants her help, he will ask. So yeah, 7 weeks of not knowing and there is the conclusion. I am so shocked, angry, sad, and hurt. I know his addiction has nothing to do with me, or anyone else, but it's hurtful to know that all this time we've been wondering and worrying and he's been walking around the same city we are, living his shady life and not caring about anyone but himself. I don't know what I was expecting but I would almost rather he be strung out and living underneath an overpass.
So that's it. No answers (not that I was expecting any, and there really are none) and no reason to follow up on his life. It doesn't sound like he even asked about me. I went from thinking I would marry this man to this. It's too crazy to comprehend.
He is working some type of job/s where he is getting paid under the table. That I believe because he has to be getting money somehow. He said he has no idea what possessed him to do what he did the morning he left (stealing my money and disappearing). He realizes he needs help and claims he went to a couple of churches and outreach centers and he is on a waiting list to get in some place (I guess some type of treatment program?) and they gave him a date of Jan 2. He told her he knows he needs long term treatment out of state. He said he is staying some place, a house not a shelter. He is still using. She dropped him at the transit station and that's it.
I could tell his mom didn't ask him very specific questions because there is nothing she can do for him and I'm sure she doesn't care to know every detail of his life right now. He has to want to get clean and fix his life and if he wants her help, he will ask. So yeah, 7 weeks of not knowing and there is the conclusion. I am so shocked, angry, sad, and hurt. I know his addiction has nothing to do with me, or anyone else, but it's hurtful to know that all this time we've been wondering and worrying and he's been walking around the same city we are, living his shady life and not caring about anyone but himself. I don't know what I was expecting but I would almost rather he be strung out and living underneath an overpass.
So that's it. No answers (not that I was expecting any, and there really are none) and no reason to follow up on his life. It doesn't sound like he even asked about me. I went from thinking I would marry this man to this. It's too crazy to comprehend.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
It's sad, while some sit waiting for them to change, they create a new lifestyle and continue down a bad path.
All we can do is pray for them and find the courage to just keep going with out own lives.
It no longer surprises me that when I read these stories, every one of them could be my son. Words about going to rehab at some future date, words about working but not being able to take care of themselves. It's "actions" that speak volumes.
I'm sorry this isn't a happier story for you and for his mother.
Hugs
All we can do is pray for them and find the courage to just keep going with out own lives.
It no longer surprises me that when I read these stories, every one of them could be my son. Words about going to rehab at some future date, words about working but not being able to take care of themselves. It's "actions" that speak volumes.
I'm sorry this isn't a happier story for you and for his mother.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
It is very sad that this is what happens to some people who are suffering from addiction. He probably does not even know what the truth is, right how.
Just be thankful that you know how it is , and that you did not go through with marriage. it would be so much more difficult if you had. People who are addicts are sick, and need to get help. I hope he finds help. Only he can make that happen.
I am sorry for your sorrow, worry, and disappointment. Its terrible what drugs do to people.
Just be thankful that you know how it is , and that you did not go through with marriage. it would be so much more difficult if you had. People who are addicts are sick, and need to get help. I hope he finds help. Only he can make that happen.
I am sorry for your sorrow, worry, and disappointment. Its terrible what drugs do to people.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: OH
Posts: 21
I'm sorry. All I can say is that I've been there (although my situation is a bit different) and I can really empathize with what you're going through. Very hard to believe I almost, not too long ago, planned to marry and have children with an addict very similar to the one you have described here. I know your heart is hurting, but it is his decision and his alone to get better, and even then it will be a long, long road to truly finding any semblance of recovery.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Thank you Ann and chicory. I appreciate it. And yes I thank god this happened before marriage or kids because I realize it would have happened eventually, if not now. I am so thankful I can at least make a clean break.
It has been devastating watching the man I love self destruct and turn into a stranger. And it's so painful to feel like i never really knew this person and it was all lies. When you've been lied to so much you can no longer distinguish lies from truths. So it all feels like lies. That's been tough for me.
I truly accepted that I am powerless over my addict and I reached a point just recently where I gave him to God. I haven't been a spiritual person in a very long time but this brought me to my knees. I was carrying the burden of fearing for my addict, knowing there was nothing I could do to help him and that terrified me. I realized all I could do was pray. I asked God to protect him and to give me strength. I ask those things everyday and I recite the serenity prayer.
Now I know he is alive, safe (relatively), and he's living life the way he wants to. So I can officially remove myself from this situation and focus on me. I know I will find someone who makes me happy and I know I will have a good life. It will take some time and work, but I will get there.
DRUGS ARE BAD!
It has been devastating watching the man I love self destruct and turn into a stranger. And it's so painful to feel like i never really knew this person and it was all lies. When you've been lied to so much you can no longer distinguish lies from truths. So it all feels like lies. That's been tough for me.
I truly accepted that I am powerless over my addict and I reached a point just recently where I gave him to God. I haven't been a spiritual person in a very long time but this brought me to my knees. I was carrying the burden of fearing for my addict, knowing there was nothing I could do to help him and that terrified me. I realized all I could do was pray. I asked God to protect him and to give me strength. I ask those things everyday and I recite the serenity prayer.
Now I know he is alive, safe (relatively), and he's living life the way he wants to. So I can officially remove myself from this situation and focus on me. I know I will find someone who makes me happy and I know I will have a good life. It will take some time and work, but I will get there.
DRUGS ARE BAD!
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Posts: 1,698
My son went dark (missing) after stealing a large amount of money and jewelry from us. He was gone for 12 weeks until finally getting arrested. My heart broke the entire time. I learned later, he lived with other addicts and was very resourceful in keeping a roof over his head. He told me that he didn't want to face the people he hurt, but at the same time, he wanted to use. That is what the going dark was really about. The long hard work on recovering also includes facing the consequences of using. It took significant events including a psychotic episode for my son to see this for himself.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
I can imagine you feel despite what you say, plain and simple pissed off and hurt because you've been abandoned. Let's call it what it is. And I know exactly how you feel because anyone can tell you that your not going to get answers and that's exactly what makes it so damn tough to deal with. There is no conclusion, no good bye to a huge part of your life, no explanation, no closure what so ever and it's just not frickin' fair. It's one thing to know where your addict is and that the person is still using, it's even worse when they've simply chosen to just disappear taking their answers with them. And your expected to feel peachy keen about it, detach in no time because everyone else believes your better off.
And honestly, you are better off. The addict is out of your life, not your responsibility, you get a crash course in not being a co-dependent and you don't have to watch someone you love that is the shell of who they used to be commit slow suicide. They aren't going to come home and blame you or take your money or your stuff and sell it. What's not to love about that? But still, getting to the point of appreciating that still sucks.
Here's my best advice........ grieve as hard as you can and get it out. If you can, on top of Ala - non and/or Narc -anon, hire a good counselor to cry to and scream at. Write letters, lots of them like a running journal. Get all your questions and feelings off your chest anyway possible. Ask people to sponsor you at Ala - non or what ever group so you have an anytime go to person to listen and kick your butt into thinking logically when necessary. If you have some good friends, ask them to take "shifts" while your grieving to just listen to you so you can unload your stuff. Tell people what you need from them for support. Spoil the crap out of yourself but don't wallow in self-pity. Start setting small goals for yourself and doing stuff and getting stuff done you've always wanted to do but couldn't because he interfered in some way. Most important, work on your self-esteem because in some way, shape or form, it's taken a beating. Every time you feel guilty or like you've been rejected or are giving yourself talk that you aren't good enough, say "stop" out loud and then go write down on paper the exactly opposite thought to counter it and then say it out loud. Keep repeating it until you really believe it. Sounds hokey, but it really works.
Count your blessings, you've been spared. God is removing this person who is toxic to you to make room for bigger and better plans. He knows your worthy of more so believe Him.
And honestly, you are better off. The addict is out of your life, not your responsibility, you get a crash course in not being a co-dependent and you don't have to watch someone you love that is the shell of who they used to be commit slow suicide. They aren't going to come home and blame you or take your money or your stuff and sell it. What's not to love about that? But still, getting to the point of appreciating that still sucks.
Here's my best advice........ grieve as hard as you can and get it out. If you can, on top of Ala - non and/or Narc -anon, hire a good counselor to cry to and scream at. Write letters, lots of them like a running journal. Get all your questions and feelings off your chest anyway possible. Ask people to sponsor you at Ala - non or what ever group so you have an anytime go to person to listen and kick your butt into thinking logically when necessary. If you have some good friends, ask them to take "shifts" while your grieving to just listen to you so you can unload your stuff. Tell people what you need from them for support. Spoil the crap out of yourself but don't wallow in self-pity. Start setting small goals for yourself and doing stuff and getting stuff done you've always wanted to do but couldn't because he interfered in some way. Most important, work on your self-esteem because in some way, shape or form, it's taken a beating. Every time you feel guilty or like you've been rejected or are giving yourself talk that you aren't good enough, say "stop" out loud and then go write down on paper the exactly opposite thought to counter it and then say it out loud. Keep repeating it until you really believe it. Sounds hokey, but it really works.
Count your blessings, you've been spared. God is removing this person who is toxic to you to make room for bigger and better plans. He knows your worthy of more so believe Him.
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
I can imagine you feel despite what you say, plain and simple pissed off and hurt because you've been abandoned. Let's call it what it is. And I know exactly how you feel because anyone can tell you that your not going to get answers and that's exactly what makes it so damn tough to deal with. There is no conclusion, no good bye to a huge part of your life, no explanation, no closure what so ever and it's just not frickin' fair. It's one thing to know where your addict is and that the person is still using, it's even worse when they've simply chosen to just disappear taking their answers with them. And your expected to feel peachy keen about it, detach in no time because everyone else believes your better off.
And honestly, you are better off. The addict is out of your life, not your responsibility, you get a crash course in not being a co-dependent and you don't have to watch someone you love that is the shell of who they used to be commit slow suicide. They aren't going to come home and blame you or take your money or your stuff and sell it. What's not to love about that? But still, getting to the point of appreciating that still sucks.
Here's my best advice........ grieve as hard as you can and get it out. If you can, on top of Ala - non and/or Narc -anon, hire a good counselor to cry to and scream at. Write letters, lots of them like a running journal. Get all your questions and feelings off your chest anyway possible. Ask people to sponsor you at Ala - non or what ever group so you have an anytime go to person to listen and kick your butt into thinking logically when necessary. If you have some good friends, ask them to take "shifts" while your grieving to just listen to you so you can unload your stuff. Tell people what you need from them for support. Spoil the crap out of yourself but don't wallow in self-pity. Start setting small goals for yourself and doing stuff and getting stuff done you've always wanted to do but couldn't because he interfered in some way. Most important, work on your self-esteem because in some way, shape or form, it's taken a beating. Every time you feel guilty or like you've been rejected or are giving yourself talk that you aren't good enough, say "stop" out loud and then go write down on paper the exactly opposite thought to counter it and then say it out loud. Keep repeating it until you really believe it. Sounds hokey, but it really works.
Count your blessings, you've been spared. God is removing this person who is toxic to you to make room for bigger and better plans. He knows your worthy of more so believe Him.
And honestly, you are better off. The addict is out of your life, not your responsibility, you get a crash course in not being a co-dependent and you don't have to watch someone you love that is the shell of who they used to be commit slow suicide. They aren't going to come home and blame you or take your money or your stuff and sell it. What's not to love about that? But still, getting to the point of appreciating that still sucks.
Here's my best advice........ grieve as hard as you can and get it out. If you can, on top of Ala - non and/or Narc -anon, hire a good counselor to cry to and scream at. Write letters, lots of them like a running journal. Get all your questions and feelings off your chest anyway possible. Ask people to sponsor you at Ala - non or what ever group so you have an anytime go to person to listen and kick your butt into thinking logically when necessary. If you have some good friends, ask them to take "shifts" while your grieving to just listen to you so you can unload your stuff. Tell people what you need from them for support. Spoil the crap out of yourself but don't wallow in self-pity. Start setting small goals for yourself and doing stuff and getting stuff done you've always wanted to do but couldn't because he interfered in some way. Most important, work on your self-esteem because in some way, shape or form, it's taken a beating. Every time you feel guilty or like you've been rejected or are giving yourself talk that you aren't good enough, say "stop" out loud and then go write down on paper the exactly opposite thought to counter it and then say it out loud. Keep repeating it until you really believe it. Sounds hokey, but it really works.
Count your blessings, you've been spared. God is removing this person who is toxic to you to make room for bigger and better plans. He knows your worthy of more so believe Him.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Dallas TX
Posts: 2,282
Going NC was one of the hardest, emotionally FRAUGHT
decisions I have ever made. I hated myself for it .
I told myself.. "You told this lady you would be THERE for her,
come what may ---- and now you are ditching her like
everyone else---- you frigging poser coward"
It was tough......DAMN tough-----but with the
help of SR I was able to form a mental construct that
worked within the (admittedly limited!) mental capacity
I had at my disposal....to whit:
I don't deserve to be treated like this, and I will not
allow myself to be treated with such wanton cruelty
any more----for ANY reason.To do so would be to
condone it....and that is something I WILL
NOT DO.
decisions I have ever made. I hated myself for it .
I told myself.. "You told this lady you would be THERE for her,
come what may ---- and now you are ditching her like
everyone else---- you frigging poser coward"
It was tough......DAMN tough-----but with the
help of SR I was able to form a mental construct that
worked within the (admittedly limited!) mental capacity
I had at my disposal....to whit:
I don't deserve to be treated like this, and I will not
allow myself to be treated with such wanton cruelty
any more----for ANY reason.To do so would be to
condone it....and that is something I WILL
NOT DO.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Location: New York
Posts: 45
I know how you feel
Hope 7726 I am so glad I found your post. I am going through the same thing my boyfriend stole money from me and disappeared 2 weeks ago today. I do know the area hes in in NY and although I was glad he was alive I was also pissed he did this to me. I don't know where he is now, he wont answer any of my calls or texts. He could be dead or in jail right now or just sitting around getting high. It breaks my heart that hes doing this to himself but all I can do is sit and wait.
Waitingforhope. It is extremely hard not knowing why he did this to me. Knowing hes out there and theres nothing I can do is frustrating. I may never know why he did this or if hes ok and that is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I feel like my life is on hold not having any closure. All I can do is pray he gets help or comes home.
Waitingforhope. It is extremely hard not knowing why he did this to me. Knowing hes out there and theres nothing I can do is frustrating. I may never know why he did this or if hes ok and that is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. I feel like my life is on hold not having any closure. All I can do is pray he gets help or comes home.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Lily, I swear I could have written that myself. I know all of those feelings. I felt them too. I still do sometimes. Isn't it so crazy? Like you would never in your most bizarre nightmare have imagined this would happen. I'm so sorry. Please take good care of yourself and feel free to private message me.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Originally Posted by Vale 
Going NC was one of the hardest, emotionally FRAUGHT
decisions I have ever made. I hated myself for it .
I told myself.. "You told this lady you would be THERE for her,
come what may ---- and now you are ditching her like
everyone else---- you frigging poser coward"
It was tough......DAMN tough-----but with the
help of SR I was able to form a mental construct that
worked within the (admittedly limited!) mental capacity
I had at my disposal....to whit:
I don't deserve to be treated like this, and I will not
allow myself to be treated with such wanton cruelty
any more----for ANY reason.To do so would be to
condone it....and that is something I WILL
NOT DO.
decisions I have ever made. I hated myself for it .
I told myself.. "You told this lady you would be THERE for her,
come what may ---- and now you are ditching her like
everyone else---- you frigging poser coward"
It was tough......DAMN tough-----but with the
help of SR I was able to form a mental construct that
worked within the (admittedly limited!) mental capacity
I had at my disposal....to whit:
I don't deserve to be treated like this, and I will not
allow myself to be treated with such wanton cruelty
any more----for ANY reason.To do so would be to
condone it....and that is something I WILL
NOT DO.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2014
Posts: 12
I am actually the addict and have come here for help.
I have been going through a lot of posts on this forum today, but this one has really hit me.
I have stolen many things from my wife, to pay for my addiction. I have disappeared for a day or two and come back to a yelling wife with promises that I will never do it again. It has gotten progressively worse with this past month being the worst incident. I typically would only do this about about every 4 months give or take. But I "messed up" on 11/27, and then again just 3 days ago.
This last time when I came home though, she wasn't yelling. She was just lying in bed, with a sad look on her face. I will never forget that face. I knew right then and there that she was starting to give up on me.
I love this woman with all my heart and decided that I needed to change forever. Just reading about how this man changed from someone you planned to marry to a complete stranger sends chills down my spine. I do not want to end up like this and am really hoping I can turn my life around.
I have been going through a lot of posts on this forum today, but this one has really hit me.
I have stolen many things from my wife, to pay for my addiction. I have disappeared for a day or two and come back to a yelling wife with promises that I will never do it again. It has gotten progressively worse with this past month being the worst incident. I typically would only do this about about every 4 months give or take. But I "messed up" on 11/27, and then again just 3 days ago.
This last time when I came home though, she wasn't yelling. She was just lying in bed, with a sad look on her face. I will never forget that face. I knew right then and there that she was starting to give up on me.
I love this woman with all my heart and decided that I needed to change forever. Just reading about how this man changed from someone you planned to marry to a complete stranger sends chills down my spine. I do not want to end up like this and am really hoping I can turn my life around.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Hi Pengo, I just read your posts. Coming here was a great choice and I see you got a lot of positive feedback from those in recovery. Your desire to change is, in my opinion, the greatest thing you have going in to this. My ex bf got caught using and I angrily confronted him and told his family what was going on. I see now he didn't have a true desire to quit using, he was just telling us what we wanted to hear.
What you are doing to yourself and your family is bad and it will only get worse if you don't commit to sobriety from all substances and work a program of some sort. You have to want it more than anything you have ever wanted in your life, because that is how hard you will have to work to get through this. But you can. And by committing to it one day at a time and SHOWING that commitment to your wife (words mean nothing; actions are everything), that is the greatest thing you can do for her and for yourself.
I truly wish you and your family the very best!
What you are doing to yourself and your family is bad and it will only get worse if you don't commit to sobriety from all substances and work a program of some sort. You have to want it more than anything you have ever wanted in your life, because that is how hard you will have to work to get through this. But you can. And by committing to it one day at a time and SHOWING that commitment to your wife (words mean nothing; actions are everything), that is the greatest thing you can do for her and for yourself.
I truly wish you and your family the very best!
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
The hardest day of my life is when I went NC with my AD. But, that was 6 months ago and now I get a text from time to time from her thanking me for cutting her off from funds and contact as she is starting to put it together for herself. She says she is 4 months clean, goes to therapy and meetings, is working and is starting to reconnect with old friends who had dumped her when she started using and stealing from them. My prayers for her health and commitment are now evolving to prayers of "I hope she's telling the truth". I'm still very gunshy to believe her or re-enter a potential world of addiction again. Once you finally breakaway and get some time under your belt of relative normalcy again, you become highly protective of life remaining that way. My biggest concern is that she has yet to attempt to really apologize or verbally set records straight. This isn't about groveling as she knows I will always love her but it is about taking ownership of the theft, lies, deceit and overall mayhem created in our family. I will keep you in my prayers but I offer to you what someone here at SR offered to me " no contact will give the addict the dignity they need to finally survive". Powerful words that were once hollow in my mind but now are very defined and understandable.
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