Throwing your child out?

Old 11-24-2014, 04:07 PM
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Throwing your child out?

This thought has crossed my mind more than once but I can't seem to bring myself to do it yet. I guess if he was failing out of college I would feel differently but he is doing great in college. It is just the other parts that he does not do well in like finding a job, showing gratitude, showing compassion, etc. He refuses to go see a counselor again. I know his gf is getting tired of just sitting in the room all weekend. I know if she walks out of his life he will be devastated. Been through that when his first gf of 9 months broke up with him 3 years ago. That is when he spiraled downward. He was always depressed when he was with that girl and that is why she left him. One would think he would soon realize he needs to get help other than take lexapro.... So just wondering if anyone has kicked their child out and at what point did you feel that was the last resort? Where did they end up then?
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Old 11-24-2014, 05:10 PM
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Would like to try and be helpful, but kind of dont understand Hummingbird. Are you saying you are thinking of throwing out your Son because he doesn't have a job and isnt respectful? Is he an addict? If not, and he is doing great in college, I don't see any similarity to when I decided to ask my AD to leave who was stealing from us and using drugs?????
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Old 11-24-2014, 05:36 PM
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I gave my daughter the boot 4 or 5 years ago, and she was clean. There are some offspring that get a little too comfortable and need a firm but gentle shove out of the nest. That time for me came when I realized I was done answering to and accommodating my youngest adult child. I was done parenting.

She's fine, by the way
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Old 11-24-2014, 05:44 PM
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I am sorry I didn't go into details. My son is 20, is on the road to graduating 3 semesters ahead of schedule because he goes through the summer and winter breaks. He was drinking alot but has cut down on that but does occasionally. Once he starts then he doesn't stop and looks for it the next day as well. He uses weed more than alcohol. I feel he is becoming addicted to weed BUT he is still motivated in school so I just don't know. He has asked to borrow money from me and also from my parents because he has used up all of his savings. He has tried finding work but is not having any luck. I don't like the guys he associates with because they are druggies and already have been in trouble with the law. I feel it is just a matter of time before my son gets in trouble along side of them. He is so smart and I don't understand why he associates with these kind. They didn't graduate high school, have been in jail, etc. It scares me so bad that my so is going to end up getting arrested. If he gets introuble, he has no money to pay any fines or to bail himself out. I guess I worry too much. He has been ungrateful for years. He has been distant for years, spends zero time with family, won't even call his sister by her name.... He says "your daughter" for her or "your husband" for his dad, or "your parents" for his grandparents. He commutes back and forth from college to avoid the party scene which is GOOD! But the weed part scares me. He has gained so much weight, suffers from depression/anxiety. Sorry for the long post.!
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Old 11-24-2014, 06:05 PM
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hummingbird - I'm going to come here from the other side of the fence. Yes, I'm both a recovering A with many loved ones who are A's, I'm also an RA.

I was WAY older than your son when I found drugs. I abused one thing, then another, then found crack which was my bottom.

If it had not been for my dad and other loved ones saying "I love you, but I will NOT help you carry on this path", I would not be nearing 8 years in recovery.

I had to hit bottom - homeless and all that went with it. Lived that way for a couple of years. Got tired of the consequences, and there were many. My loved ones were going on with their lives and I finally realized that to be a part of their lives, I had to get myself together.

I performed CPR, then buried my stepmom last year. With all my knowledge of addiction and codpendency (she was a major codependent), I couldn't get through to her.

We do what we can, and sometimes it's really, really hard. FWIW, when I got clean and was living at dad's, I had to have a job, make myself accountable at all times. It was like being 16 years old, again, and drove me crazy, but I brought it on myself!

It took me digging a really deep hole, suffering anxiety/depression/self-hatred and other things to want to dig myself out of that hole.

Hope this helps.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 11-24-2014, 06:06 PM
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hummingbird - I'm going to come here from the other side of the fence. Yes, I'm both a recovering A with many loved ones who are A's, I'm also an RA.

I was WAY older than your son when I found drugs. I abused one thing, then another, then found crack which was my bottom.

If it had not been for my dad and other loved ones saying "I love you, but I will NOT help you carry on this path", I would not be nearing 8 years in recovery.

I had to hit bottom - homeless and all that went with it. Lived that way for a couple of years. Got tired of the consequences, and there were many. My loved ones were going on with their lives and I finally realized that to be a part of their lives, I had to get myself together.

I performed CPR, then buried my stepmom last year. With all my knowledge of addiction and codpendency (she was a major codependent), I couldn't get through to her.

We do what we can, and sometimes it's really, really hard. FWIW, when I got clean and was living at dad's, I had to have a job, make myself accountable at all times. It was like being 16 years old, again, and drove me crazy, but I brought it on myself!

It took me digging a really deep hole, suffering anxiety/depression/self-hatred and other things to want to dig myself out of that hole.

Hope this helps.

Hugs and prayers,

Amy
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Old 11-28-2014, 01:13 PM
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In my opinion from what I read, you have a 20 year old son. Males do not reach full brain development until 25 or so. I use to be one of the nicest most respectful kids ever growing up. By the time I hit 16 my mother and I went to battle against each other for years.
I feel as though weed is no big deal. However taking into consideration of the purpose of this site, substance abuse is never a healthy outlett regardless of the drug of choice.
To this day I smoke weed everyday (hardly drink at all and when I do I dont have more than 2 drinks in a night as it just makes me sleepy). Ive successfully graduated college smoking weed everyday all throughout my educational career. Ive always had a hard work ethic and cobtinue to work my butt off everyday. Even so, my last job was eliminated andbit took me months to land a new one.
Back to the school part real quick, your son has accelerated to finish school as fast as he has so far. Going to work and veing a full time student is next to impossible. So long as his behavior foesnt get out of control, and he staus on track to finishing school dobt force any other changes upon him till then.
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Old 11-28-2014, 02:06 PM
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Just because he's doing well in school doesn't mean he's exempt from addiction. Weed addiction can be a very big deal. This is especially true if it's a catalyst for depression/anxiety, prevents someone from finding a job, and drains a bank account. The stereotypical image of a burnout stoner is just a stereotype. I wore nice clothes, had a 3.6 GPA, and smoked 3-5 times a day.

If his gf walks out, it's his fault and he'll have to live with the devastation.

If he gets arrested with no money for fines or bail, that's his problem, don't rescue him. You can't pick his friends for him.

If he doesn't want a counselor, he doesn't want to change.

I know you're supportive of him continuing his education, especially at an accelerated pace. However, college is a privilege, not a right. The lack of respect and ungratefulness makes me feel like his sense of entitlement is through the roof. He seems to be holding his pace to graduate 3 semesters early over your head, and like he's using his increased workload as an excuse to not get a job or improve his life because he doesn't have the time for it. What's more important, him graduating early or fixing his messy life? Maybe it's time to ease up his schoolwork load so he has time for a job? If he can't find a job because he can't pass a drug test, that's his fault. What makes you think that'll change once he's graduated early and still smokes? Plenty of people in college have to work while they're in school and don't have the privilege of taking enough classes to graduate early, a privilege your son seems to be abusing.

I'd just firmly let him know that you're tired of his ungratefulness and lack of respect, and how he has become an emotional drain on you. Forget the whole weed thing when talking about it, he's made up his mind about it and it's his problem. I wouldn't throw him out of the house without warning, but let him know you're considering it. Might be the wake-up call he needs. Even if you did, you could still pay for college while he's on his own. He'd just have to find a way to pay for a place by himself, and that could very well mean cutting out the weed, finding a job, and subsequently graduating a little later.

Tough situation. Hang in there.
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Old 11-28-2014, 02:15 PM
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My stepmother is addicted to weed. She's smoked it for over 35 years, everyday all day long. She literally keeps a "pack" of rolled joints in a cigarette pack and takes it with her everywhere. She has never had the motivation to take care of herself, hold a job long, do anything productive with her life. She is a shell. All I can ever remember her ever doing is smoking weed and drinking Pepsi all these years.
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Old 11-28-2014, 02:35 PM
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I posted this on the wrong thread and don't know how to remove it so please forgive me.
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Old 11-28-2014, 02:47 PM
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WaitingForHope, I kind of think it fits here just fine...
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