Lara

It has now been almost 3 months and not a single word from H. All I know is he is doing very badly. I know he cuts me out - to 'protect' me on the only level he knows how. He is full of shame, guilt and remorse. Where does this leave me? Nowhere - but safely out of 'harms way'. Doesn't protect my heart though or emotional well being. Only I can protect my heart and emotional well being.
I understand this all in THEORY. But getting better at putting into practise all my 'words of wisdom to other members here'. Oh how easy it is to tell others what to do.
But it does not get easier. I have been a member here for many years. My story never changes. It will only change if I choose to stop the cycle. It is heart breaking. Yes, and it is ME BREAKING MY OWN HEART.

I find though here so often people make reference that it is not possible for an addict to love. That it is all about them - that they don't give a damn.

If this was REALLY REALLY ALL TRUE - it would make it a whole lot easier to walk away. But I know I am loved - but drugs come first. I know our love is 'real'. Isn't that the human desire? To believe in love and that God can heal even addiction?
Well it is these thoughts that keep me in the cycle.
I don't know when I am ready to walk away?

chicory

(((Lara)))
I understand. I am sorry for your sadness and pain. You will do what you need to do, and in the time that is right for you.
I am not of the belief that addicts don't love... many here who are recovering have expressed that fear of losing their loved ones helped motivate them. Some are just so very sick that nothing helps them, until they can get off the drugs, and find healing.

Please take care of yourself. Are you going to any face to face meetings, for some support?
hugs,
chicory

hopeful4

Lara, I am so sorry you are hurting. Your post just breaks my heart because I hear the grief in your words.

You are right, only you can decide when and if you are going to move forward. I don't agree that addicts cannot love, I believe my X husband loves me and our children in fact. However, you are right, the drugs and the addictions always come first, and they will do anything to protect that addiction, including hurt those around them, if they love them or not.

What is keeping you still, in this place in your life? Do you go to therapy? If not, I highly recommend you do with a therapist who specializes in addiction.

Tight Hugs. You are not alone.

Chillly

This is a difficult situation.
You are currently in a toxic relationship.
Your heart will continue to pump. And it will get easier.

biminiblue

I do think the definition of love is at the core of this.

Love is supposed to be selfless and addiction is the pinnacle of selfishness. Addiction is about tickling the brain's pleasure center. That is by nature the most inward focused life possible.

waitingforhope

Their love doesn't do us any good though. In fact it brings a lot of consequences and harm. I'm pretty sure that my disappearing AH loves me too in some strange sick way. I think that may be why he never filed for divorce himself and kept telling me he didn't want one during our year of separation. I think in his own twisted way, it may be why he's dodging the process server and running right now.

But that does me no good to know that at all. I'm still left alone with two children, two dogs and a farm and another job to take care of business all by myself. I might as well add self reflection and self care to my daily to do list.

I'm definitely not perfect. I've put my roller coaster out here on a near daily basis for everyone to see. Have no clue if I've grown in the past 18 days or not but I can tell you one thing, as much as going through this process sucks, I'm thankful for it. My eyes in regards to AH, my children, myself are opening wider every day little by little. I want to feel happy and stable more than anything and even more so, I want that peace for my girls.

Every little baby step you take every day to do any little something to help yourself, will make you stronger. I promise. Make yourself your first priority and everything else will follow. Hugs and prayers!

AnvilheadII

only you can decide if this is good enough. you seem to hold LOVE at some stratospheric othery worldly level, but that's not where love lives....it's down here on earth, in the dirt. not the stuff of gothic novels on windswept moors, but somewhere between the alarm going off and getting the coffee going and letting the dog out. it's constant and even a bit mundane, not tragic and fleeting. it's substantive and enduring, not ethereal and transitory.

it's like laundry. it's always gonna be there and it's always gonna take a little effort. you try to catch most of the "spots" and treat them right away, but a few slip past and can be a little harder to get out. you'll never return the items in the basket to their once upon a time perfect unblemished newness. they will instead soften and mute just a little, sometimes just a little frayed, but continually more comfortable as time goes by.

Ann

As an old gal who has been married 45 years and gone from teenage sweetheart throughout career years, flourishing and failed businesses, wonderful adventures and a lot of hard work that has taken us into retirement and still best friends after all that "stuff...I have to say that Anvilhead has nailed it completely, I've never heard "love" so well put, nor have I ever danced on windswept moors...I have, however, slugged through bug ridden swamps to photograph gators in their natural habitat with Mr. Wonderful walking behind me saying romantically "Did you put in the bug spray?"

You will be fine, Lara, as soon as you allow your wounds to heal and find better days ahead.

zoso77

I believe there's all different kinds of love. For example, I don't think there's a stronger love in this world than the love a mother has for her children. Yet several of our resident moms have had to make heartbreaking choices regarding their addict children. Does that mean they love their children less?

The type of love you describe sounds like a life sentence. He loves you, you love him, and that's all that matters. It doesn't matter if he's going down in flames, he loves you, you love him, and you go down in flames together.

The truth is love isn't a life sentence. People change. Circumstances change. Marriages end every day in this country for reasons other than substance abuse. And I bet a fair number of those couples still love each other a great deal. But love is not an end-all-be-all panacea that conquers all. Nor is it unconditional. Some people, as much as they love each other, simply aren't meant to be together.

Lara, the place where you will have to arrive on your own time is the understanding that just because you love him doesn't mean you should be with him. And just because you're not with him doesn't mean you stop loving him. Life and love are complicated beasts. There are times we have to do something we don't want to do. But in order for us to be healthy and sane, we have to.

Maybe you should start loving you more, Lara. Once you do, maybe doing what you need to do will be a bit easier.

Lara

Hi Chicory thank you so much for your post. I am not going to any face to face meetings. I don't know what a counsellor can say that members here on SR don't already say. I just miss him so much.

Lara

Dear Hopeful - I DON'T know. I suppose the fear of another loss. I lost my dad when he was young - I adored him. He was not just my dad but my business partner and my friend - we were such a close family. He died at age 51 of malaria. But for years he had been a very bad alcoholic. And then my darling brother and his girlfriend were killed a year later in a car crash. But this was all ten years ago... H was there through it all. It is so hard to let go. I feel privately devastated - as we have been down this road before - but this is the longest that he has gone without contact. And I hear he is doing badly. But I know I can't do anything to help. And I have a precious little boy - who needs to be protected from this - and needs a strong, happy mother...

Lara

Anvilhead!! You write so beautifully - thank you for your support!!

waitingforhope

Don't give up the idea of counseling just yet. I started going during my separation from my AH before I really knew for sure what was going on with him. It has really helped to have one dedicated person just for me to help me sort out all my feelings about my marriage and my AH. A good counselor helps you examine your choices and your role in keeping yourself in a situation. Of course you have to be prepared to examine yourself deep inside for it to help. I think these forums, meetings and counseling are all useful tools. Used together, it gives you an arsenal of weapons to help yourself. It's great you come here. But I'm hearing a cry for help but a hesitation to follow through possibly out of fear. You have nothing to lose by using every tool out there to get you through some tough decisions.