KeepinItReal

I have accepted this. But, it hurts. You pour so much into a cup with no bottom. You can keep pouring.. but it never gets filled. It never feels whole.
I never thought it would be me getting divorced. I thought that my parents survived through the trenches of marriage and that I would be able to do the same. That i'm not a quitter. I just have to love myself more. I'm not going to sacrafice my life... for a man that can't take care of me. That can't love me or nuture me the ways that I desperately want someone to.
Love as I get older means stability. It means commitment and honesty. Things that I will never get out of an active addict.
It's just terrible to lose hope. I guess as a wife it's easier. Thankfully. Almost like society today will understand. I just feel hopeless.
I feel like the kids will blame me for ruining their lives - no matter what. I try the best that I can. I try to make all the right choices for them.. but I feel like a failure all the time. Like, I can't keep their father healthy, safe... at home. I can't make him responsible and trustworthy. I know that they will see all these things. My daughter already knows. It's just so sad.
How could I choose such a bad father for my kids? I feel so guilty. Like, what was I thinking. I will never forgive myself.
I'm angry, upset and feel that he is a lost cause. Just a complete failure as a husband, provider... everything. Just to only care about his drugs. It makes me hate him. I don't. I hate him and love him at the same time.
I guess he can't keep me. It's just not going to be possible... and whatever that means for him. It means for him.
Why is letting go of control or realization you have no control so sad? There is nothing that I can do to change him. If he does something to save this marriage... he does. If not, then he doesn't. There's nothing left for me to do. Just take care of the kids and deal with my own feelings. Deal with all my stuff.
I really believed he was going to go into a long-term rehab. But, I really don't know. He's not doing anything until after Christmas and I was hoping he would be reasonable and get it together enough to be able to come home for the in between because he's been begging to come home.
I told him he could come stay at home as long as he promised to do long-term rehab and stay the whole time. But, truthfully. I don't think that's what he really wants. I just think he loves his drugs more than he can ever love me.

waitingforhope

I don't think it's any easier to be married to our addict than it is to be the friend, child, parent, etc......... to one. Love is love all the same. We married them and expected to live our whole lives with them and that was a reasonable promise we made to them and they made to us......at the time. But over time things can change.

Of course during a marriage you expect life to take you through changes. What you don't expect is your spouse to become an addict. So don't beat yourself up. There isn't anything you could have done about it. We only have so much say in the choices others make.

It's sad because you had invested your hopes, dreams and future into sharing your life with this person and now it's gone. You owe it to yourself to progress through the stages of grief. Get it all out. Let it do it's work. That is your job now. To feel it and release it when it's time.

His loving drugs vs. his family have nothing to do with each other I'm learning. My AH probably loves me in his own way. He certainly loves his children I know even though even they haven't heard from him. His shame, his anger at himself......what a load to deal with. When I can muster up compassion here and there, I can only imagine what his own private Hell must feel like to him putting us through what he is. I wouldn't be able to face us either in his shoes. So it doesn't have anything to do with you.

So your work now is to grieve and use every resource available to help yourself and your children get through this. Set him aside. You and your kids come first now.

Maui78

This is where I'm at. My AGF is finally not living with me anymore. I finally found the strength to say enough. She was supposed to stay with her mom this week while trying to get in to inpatient. But she instead disappeared and has not been in contact. Despite her words of wanting better, being done with the drugs, loving me, etc etc. They were words. Just like the millions of lies I've heard over the past two years. Now I have to let go, for real. It's painful, it burns, but I have to keep remembering that just because it burns doeant mean I'm going to die (thank you P!nk) and start moving on. How to do that, I have no idea. But I must. It is out of my hands. It always has been. I'm just finally accepting that. I feel your pain...to say goodbye to a future with someone we love. It's devastating. But going on like this finally became too painful. We will get through this.

AnvilheadII

KIR - up til now he's been able to have both....the family AND the drugs. you gave him chance after chance, so he never really had to make a choice of one life or the other.....he's been able to cobble them together in a fashion, and do a pretty miserable job of both while he's at it. he'll string you along with promises to do XXX - not NOW Of course, hell no, but somewhere down the road after YYY. last time he did go to rehab, but half-@ssed it and bailed before sobriety got too much of a foothold.

might be he just doesn't grow up, ala Peter Pan. cuz that is a lot of what getting off drugs entails - facing life on life's terms, not letting the past keep hurting us by staying stuck in the emotional mindset of a 13 yr old, or 15, or even 28. willing to go all in and COMPLY with the rules of the adult game. and quit hitting the FVCK UP switch when the going gets tough. and meanwhile you've continued to let him ride on your BIG KID bus and he could pretend to BE a big kid.

so now it's time to let him go off to the playground and you all can quit pretending.

do you bake? me neither, but i do sometimes make homebread from the frozen Resers loaves. and every once in a while a loaf just WON'T rise properly....no matter what you do it just is never gonna be a decent loaf of bread. you can go ahead and stick it in the oven and bake it and it still just won't BE what you want it to be, or even what it says on the packaging it COULD be. and no amount of butter or jam will fix it.

BlackSabbath

I feel the same way! Like a total failure. Like I have let down a lot of people in my life with my choices regarding my alcoholic, cocaine addicted father of my kids. The good news is that neither you nor I have failed. We can be a failure though, if we continue to obsess and try to control and wonder what the addict/ alcoholic is doing, do they love us, how could they do this, etc. I know it's easier said than done. I wonder all the time. I passed him driving tonight and felt pangs of anxiety, and tried to ignore them again when I saw his vehicle parked where there is a beers store, a liquor store, and a bar all in the same shopping complex. OUCH.

Right now it's about focusing on being your awesome self - the one he fell in love with. Try not to compete with the drugs - I know I can't, so I let him go. An excellent point was made above, that he can't face you and his family because of what HE has put you through - not because of any of YOUR shortcomings. Remember that, hold that with you, and remind yourself that your job now is to go on with life and experience the process of grieving and rebuild yourself to be strong for your kids.

Stay strong, Mama. I'm 5 months pregnant with an 18 month old - this isn't the future I want for them either. I was in a family session this week and they spoke about "energy" - the of energy in a "healthy" family dynamic vs the flow of energy with an addict int he family, as well as where WE CHOOSE to focus our energy. It has helped me a great deal to focus more energy on my family that I have instead of focusing on mourning the loss of the family I wanted to have. I am sharing what has been working for me...some days certain things work, and other days the same things that worked don't, but it's really important for you to work the recovery you wish he would. *hugs*

Hope7726

This topic definitely speaks to me right now. It does hurt to accept that the person you love isn't who you thought he/she was and your dreams of a future with him/her are gone. And to think of all the lies and manipulations. It feels like you were duped, and you feel foolish. But do you know what doesn't hurt? Thinking about how now I can find someone who isn't an addict and can love me and have a future with me and be totally present in the relationship. And knowing I no longer have to listen to the lies and question EVERYTHING. And thanking god that I got out now. It's never too late.

glitterdeva

I have blamed my mother for staying with my alcoholic father for years. You children see and feel everything, and even if they don't know the whole extent they know much more then you probably think I know that my kids are much more happier and better adjusted when I am in peace. And you can't be in peace living with an active addict. I personally turn into a raging anxious, paranoic maniac when AX is in active addiction. Even if I try not to show it, my kids know that the crazy train has started.

Don't beat yourself up - we are not perfect, we don't have the crystal ball in front of us, projecting into the future. This is how life is - chit happens, people come and go, it is not linear and totally unpredictable. You are doing everything you can to make your children happy. From your posts here (and i can relate to your situation so much, and my AX is not the biological father of my kids, so trust me, I feel all the guilt and shame and then some) - it sounds like you have done so MUCH to keep your family together. As my sponsor says - sometimes the answer is NO. If your AX is not willing to do everything in his power to get clean and you absolutely cannot live with it, what else can you do? The kids are growing, they will know more and more as they grow up. My 7 year old KNOWS when AX is not together. She told me several times. Imagine what they would know at 17?

Your children and you will be 100% better without an active addict in their life. It is hard, I know, in the same situation here

TripleA

I was also married to an addict, and we have two children together. It was the hardest thing, most absolutely devastating thing to think I had failed in my marriage... We were separated 7 years ago, while I was pregnant with my youngest daughter and shortly after he went to prison for 2 years. There was no closure... We've maintaned a civil relationship, with the occasional bump until just recently when he relapsed again and lost visitation with our children. I know it is hard to accept that a person could love a substance more than their family, but it really is true...
I couldn't save him, he has to save himself.

Lara

You are doing the very best you can. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from a marriage. But you do reach a point where enough is enough. For the sake of your children you have done the very best thing. Don't fret about the past decisions. Nobody intentionally falls in love with an addict. Nobody is perfect. Life is a continuous school of lessons - the important thing is to LEARN the lesson - accept the mistakes or 'bad decision' and move on. Remembering too - that there aren't really 'mistakes' / 'bad decisions' - all part of the learning curve.
And remember - to be GENTLE with yourself. God does not want us living a life filled with negative emotions of guilt, anger, remorse. Leave behind a happy, positive, strong, courageous legacy for your children. They will love you for it. God bless you.

Vale

AAA,

Triple A! With one post, your first.....you put out a statement so concise, so
truthful, so perfect.....to whit:

"I know it is hard to accept that a person could love a substance more than
their family, but it really is true...I couldn't save him, he has to save himself."

For 1800+ posts I have danced around this truth----but I'm still here, so maybe I
never accepted it.......emotionally.....perhaps until now.

Bravo, AAA. I take 1800 shots with varying degrees of effectiveness------and
you get a bulls eye on the first shot! With your marksmanship I dearly hope we never
find ourselves on the opposite sides in battle!



Vale

Vale

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Wow, Anvil......just WOW.
(and thank you!)