Dealing with ingratitude
Member
Join Date: Nov 2014
Location: WI
Posts: 240
I'm sorry you feel that way but part of support isn't holding back sometimes when we need to see things that we just aren't seeing. I thought originally some of the advice I got here and there was harsh for my state of mind at the time too at first, but I realized that the intention was to kick my ass out of a funk and make me really analyze what I could do for my kids and I. The intentions were still good. People knew I had children and had to wake up pretty dang quick. I don't have the luxury of getting stuck in my own crap. The proverbial slap in the face and wake up call was more helpful than I gave it credit for at first. Someone has to man up and tell us how it is when we can't see it. Behind it really is concern for our well being. You don't have to agree with what everyone says. The point really is to just get us to focus on what we can do and where our responsibilities to ourselves lies and taking responsibility for our feelings instead of focusing on our addict so we don't get stuck and move on. The harsh reality is that sometimes, it takes a kick in the butt to do that.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
Originally Posted by NJandy
Again, my original post was just about how to deal with the resentment of ingratitude. It's a fair question. Wishing it away hasn't worked (for me). There might be various approaches that would work. And I was (and am) genuinely curious how people deal with those resentments in their own process --
What helped me lose my resentment was forgiveness, which was not about condoning anything that was done, but it was about letting go of the pain I attached to all that had happened over many years. I forgave my son because he was sick and did what active addicts do, it wasn't personal it was addiction. I forgave myself for enabling and for allowing my life to become so bad that I almost died. I forgave the world because I blamed every one and every thing I could find before I finally owned my part in all this and put the blame back where it belonged...on myself.
Forgiveness is the antidote to resentments.
Your feelings are valid, it's very hard to be you (or me or Anvil or anyone here). It's okay to be angry, we all are sometimes when we are frustrated that life isn't going the way we prefer. Lord knows, mine isn't, but I am way past anger and into acceptance.
Once you accept the situation exactly as it is, once you accept her for the person she is today, once you accept your own choices in all this....your life will become livable and peaceful again.
Melody Beattie, the author of a wonderful book called "Codependent No More" (I highly recommend reading it), once said "Nothing is more frustrating than expecting something from someone who has nothing to give." I remember that often.
I hope your girlfriend remains sober and clean, I hope your life becomes more pleasant than it has been. I hope you can find forgiveness and acceptance and just keep moving forward with what it right for you. And...I hope you realize that each person that took the time to post on this thread is rooting for you and trying to help by sharing from their own experience. We care, we each have different ways of expressing it, but in the end we wish you well and better days ahead.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
so if she has been in active addiction for the past six years....and was using up to $750-1000 a week.....it just begs certain questions...
how did you meet someone who has high all the time?
where did she get the money to use at that rate - who funded that? why didn't she redirect those funds to rehab?
does she work?
why have you never let her meet your kids?
just sounds i dunno....like you found yourself a little pet remodel project and you are determined to make her all shiny and new again with a lot of micromanaging. if we stick to your argument that you didn't want her to die....then why all this resentment when she's here now and ALIVE?
i do want to caution you about this "keeping her alive" bit....watch out for the God Complex.....especially the Old Testament one who like to smote things that ticked him off! her life is still HERS and if she chooses to go get loaded again, she gets to do that. and if she one day says kiss my tukkus and leaves, she gets to do that too. still ain't quite sure why you don't just talk to HER about this..............if you feel you cant, then that should be looked into.
how did you meet someone who has high all the time?
where did she get the money to use at that rate - who funded that? why didn't she redirect those funds to rehab?
does she work?
why have you never let her meet your kids?
just sounds i dunno....like you found yourself a little pet remodel project and you are determined to make her all shiny and new again with a lot of micromanaging. if we stick to your argument that you didn't want her to die....then why all this resentment when she's here now and ALIVE?
i do want to caution you about this "keeping her alive" bit....watch out for the God Complex.....especially the Old Testament one who like to smote things that ticked him off! her life is still HERS and if she chooses to go get loaded again, she gets to do that. and if she one day says kiss my tukkus and leaves, she gets to do that too. still ain't quite sure why you don't just talk to HER about this..............if you feel you cant, then that should be looked into.
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Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 1,405
Member
Join Date: May 2014
Location: Far above my co-dependent rock bottom.
Posts: 50
GREAT POST, waitingforhope
Originally Posted by waitingforhope 
We must have been writing at about the same time. I just read your new post. I think anger and resentment again are expected feelings we are just going to have to deal with in regards to our addicts. It's a process that takes time. It's a part of grieving. You have to go through it.
So since your going to Ala-non, Nar-anon and doing therapy, I think your on the right path. Just slow down a bit though maybe in the expectations of yourself and of her. It's going to take as long as it needs to for you to just get past it.
I go to therapy too and my counselor has me writing letters as well. I have written a goodbye to my AH, letters expressing my anger, a "Hello" to my new life, a letter to my good memories of my marriage and one to my bad memories, letters to my kids telling them I'm sorry that I kept them in this situation, a letter to my guilt. It's a safe way to fully express what you truly feel without any fear of judgment. You can say anything you want and still feel safe.
Yes your addict may be able to tolerate some criticism right now, but you don't want to keep adding to that so there's a build up effect. Don't tiptoe around her but try not to unload anything without knowing for sure she has the tool yet to fix it. What you see her doing outwardly isn't necessarily yet what she really can handle inside. Acknowledging an awareness of something doesn't mean one feels its full impact or consequences. My AH used to acknowledge all the time how his verbal abuse hurt my kids and I. That didn't stop it.
If you reread your post you acknowledge as well that her lack of attending her meetings when you pointed it out took a bit to process before she had a "realization" of what she was doing. This is how things are going to be for a long time any time there is something she needs to confront. Maybe the real issue is how you can tell for what and when should you hold her accountable? One thing that actually helps me is rereading what I post here. Really digging into what I myself have said and then taking what's working and continuing it and then being honest with myself where I might be struggling and then trying to tackle those things one at a time.
So since your going to Ala-non, Nar-anon and doing therapy, I think your on the right path. Just slow down a bit though maybe in the expectations of yourself and of her. It's going to take as long as it needs to for you to just get past it.
I go to therapy too and my counselor has me writing letters as well. I have written a goodbye to my AH, letters expressing my anger, a "Hello" to my new life, a letter to my good memories of my marriage and one to my bad memories, letters to my kids telling them I'm sorry that I kept them in this situation, a letter to my guilt. It's a safe way to fully express what you truly feel without any fear of judgment. You can say anything you want and still feel safe.
Yes your addict may be able to tolerate some criticism right now, but you don't want to keep adding to that so there's a build up effect. Don't tiptoe around her but try not to unload anything without knowing for sure she has the tool yet to fix it. What you see her doing outwardly isn't necessarily yet what she really can handle inside. Acknowledging an awareness of something doesn't mean one feels its full impact or consequences. My AH used to acknowledge all the time how his verbal abuse hurt my kids and I. That didn't stop it.
If you reread your post you acknowledge as well that her lack of attending her meetings when you pointed it out took a bit to process before she had a "realization" of what she was doing. This is how things are going to be for a long time any time there is something she needs to confront. Maybe the real issue is how you can tell for what and when should you hold her accountable? One thing that actually helps me is rereading what I post here. Really digging into what I myself have said and then taking what's working and continuing it and then being honest with myself where I might be struggling and then trying to tackle those things one at a time.
Thank you!!!!
My exhusband (18 months in recovery from drugs), broke up with me one year ago.
It was most unexpected, and I speak to him rarely (I've seen him six times in this last year).
What I want to say is, sometimes when I talk to him he makes sense, and SEEMS to realize the reality of his behavior in the past, and how not everything was my fault (I have owned up to my many mistakes).
But, like waitingforhope says, there is a lot of things STILL to this day going on in his brain, such as confusion, denial, guilt, shame, self-pity, memory distortion from the drugs, anger, and I DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE,
and he still can't PROCESS it all,
so sometimes he kind of makes sense (I mean moral sense as well as intellectual sense) and other times he just doesn't.
At first, I would take all his little criticisms to heart, now not so much, I'm doing my own recovery.
But reading your post, NJandy, just reminded me of HOW MUCH I gave to this person in terms of everything (money time heart and soul).
And although he has expressed gratitude and appreciation a few times, sometimes I don't think he really gets it. Or maybe he does, who's to know what's going on in his head?
At the end of the day he still has self-pity and years of big ISSUES to resolve.
And that's not going to happen in one day. (or one year).
Hope you feel better soon.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
My ex is in AA and supposedly just got her 18 month chip. I have yet to receive any amends from her.
What I know today is that people move at their own pace and it isn't necessarily a reflection of the quality of that person's recovery. I haven't gotten to the amends step yet after 3 years in Al Anon. I'm still too busy trying to fix me. It doesn't mean I don't think about it or remember the things I need to make amends for. It just means I'm not there yet. I do try to stay on top of things by doing a 10th step amends when I screw up ("when we were wrong, promptly admitted it").
I may never get those amends from my ex. I'm OK with that. That is a part of her AA work and has nothing to do with me.
You want your girlfriend to say thanks for the rehab... she is likely not even close to being ready for that. She may never be. Resentments are toxic to us - like taking poison and wishing the other person to die. continue working on clearing up that expectation and resentment that she will do something she may never be capable of.
What I know today is that people move at their own pace and it isn't necessarily a reflection of the quality of that person's recovery. I haven't gotten to the amends step yet after 3 years in Al Anon. I'm still too busy trying to fix me. It doesn't mean I don't think about it or remember the things I need to make amends for. It just means I'm not there yet. I do try to stay on top of things by doing a 10th step amends when I screw up ("when we were wrong, promptly admitted it").
I may never get those amends from my ex. I'm OK with that. That is a part of her AA work and has nothing to do with me.
You want your girlfriend to say thanks for the rehab... she is likely not even close to being ready for that. She may never be. Resentments are toxic to us - like taking poison and wishing the other person to die. continue working on clearing up that expectation and resentment that she will do something she may never be capable of.
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: CA
Posts: 10,681
It is interesting to me that people in Nar-Anon and Al-Anon don't ever act this way. They don't put down or attack other people in the meeting. And they don't tell other people what to do. They share their own experiences, which others can take or leave. From going to open NA meetings with my girlfriend, those meetings work the same way.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by NJandy
It is interesting to me that people in Nar-Anon and Al-Anon don't ever act this way. They don't put down or attack other people in the meeting. And they don't tell other people what to do. They share their own experiences, which others can take or leave. From going to open NA meetings with my girlfriend, those meetings work the same way.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Montclair, NJ
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by Chino
What has your group shared with you when you asked for their advice on this topic?
Now at the meetings I'm more in listening mode, or if I ask anything, it's not focused on her, but instead on how I could handle some of the problems I'm having. The responses vary depending on the problem. The one thing I am trying to work toward is getting a sponsor. I'm mostly dealing with my negative feelings (which are countless) in therapy.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Montclair, NJ
Posts: 51
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII
so if she has been in active addiction for the past six years....and was using up to $750-1000 a week.....it just begs certain questions...
how did you meet someone who has high all the time?
where did she get the money to use at that rate - who funded that? why didn't she redirect those funds to rehab?
does she work?
why have you never let her meet your kids?
just sounds i dunno....like you found yourself a little pet remodel project and you are determined to make her all shiny and new again with a lot of micromanaging. if we stick to your argument that you didn't want her to die....then why all this resentment when she's here now and ALIVE?
i do want to caution you about this "keeping her alive" bit....watch out for the God Complex.....especially the Old Testament one who like to smote things that ticked him off! her life is still HERS and if she chooses to go get loaded again, she gets to do that. and if she one day says kiss my tukkus and leaves, she gets to do that too. still ain't quite sure why you don't just talk to HER about this..............if you feel you cant, then that should be looked into.
how did you meet someone who has high all the time?
where did she get the money to use at that rate - who funded that? why didn't she redirect those funds to rehab?
does she work?
why have you never let her meet your kids?
just sounds i dunno....like you found yourself a little pet remodel project and you are determined to make her all shiny and new again with a lot of micromanaging. if we stick to your argument that you didn't want her to die....then why all this resentment when she's here now and ALIVE?
i do want to caution you about this "keeping her alive" bit....watch out for the God Complex.....especially the Old Testament one who like to smote things that ticked him off! her life is still HERS and if she chooses to go get loaded again, she gets to do that. and if she one day says kiss my tukkus and leaves, she gets to do that too. still ain't quite sure why you don't just talk to HER about this..............if you feel you cant, then that should be looked into.
*I met her online. I did not know she was an addict until 18 months into the relationship. Yes, I missed about a million signs. If you wish to dwell on how naive and foolish I was, feel free, except that I've already beaten you to the punch.
*The money came from a variety of sources, some not very savory, but after she met me the money came from me, unfortunately. Again, I didn't know it was going for drugs, because I didn't know she used drugs. Once I found out, any money after that went for treatment, which obviously was not always successful -- hence the latest relapse. She got "treatment" in the medical sense, but never went into actual recovery until this latest relapse in September. She just refused.
*She did work. I doubt she could work at the moment. I'm certainly not pushing for it.
*She did not previously meet my kids because I was cheating on my wife. (My wife and I are now getting divorced, to be finalized in January. By the way, my kids are not related to my wife -- we have no kids together.)
*I was micromanaging her treatment (to the extent an ill-informed boyfriend can micromanage anything from a great distance) when she was in detox and rehab. I fully realize it was futile and counterproductive, and I don't get involved in anything related to her treatment at all anymore (unless she specifically asks me, for example, to go to an open NA meeting with her, which I will do). My only involvement now is to supply money for treatment when required, and to say encouraging words. She does whatever she does.
*I am grateful she's alive. I thank God for it every single day.
*Of course she can leave me. Of course it's her life. I've emphasized to her several times that if at any time she'd prefer to not see me, I'm fine with that. Bear in mind that if I go too far in that direction, however, she can feel like I'm abandoning her.
*Sorry but if I can do something that will prevent her from OD'ing (or at least make it a little more difficult), I will do it (short of actually violating her liberty). I don't think that means I have a "God complex" -- it just makes me a normal human being. Sometimes you can take measures to avoid an overdose, and if you do so, that person will remain alive and hopefully one day get into recovery. Once they're dead they're dead.
*I'm not always able to talk to her about certain issues. Sometimes she's too irrational or immature. It depends. So sorry for asking questions here. However, I am encouraged to hear that everyone else commonly experiences that it's a cinch to bring up uncomfortable topics with their addicted loved ones. Of course, if it's so easy it does make me wonder why this forum exists.
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