Rage against the addict
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Rage against the addict
I realize addiction is a disease. As they say in the Nar-Anon blue book, "it can be arrested but never cured." I understand that and I am so grateful not to suffer from this horrible illness and wouldn't wish it upon anyone.
Having said that, can I just go on an angry tirade about addicts and the damage that they do?!
The addict in my life was my ex-bf who was my current bf two weeks ago when he told me he loved me and have a good day at work, then proceeded to steal money from me so he could relapse on opiates. He texted me all day pretending he was at work (turns out he hadn't been working in at least a couple of weeks) and then pretending he was going to a meeting. And then that's it, he hasn't been seen since. So he gets to go into hiding and get high all day while people who care about him have to wonder if he is OK and if/when he will come back.
This is someone who never told me he was a recovering heroin addict, then used opiates behind my back almost our entire relationship. It feels like I was cheated on, but with a substance. And I was so ignorant about drugs and addiction, I had no idea what was wrong with him, just that he was acting crazy. It makes me so angry now. Especially because once I did find out (only by snooping because of course every time I asked him why he was acting so bizarre he had some made up excuse), I actually agreed to stay with him. I fell for his crocodile tears and empty promises, this recovery plan that he came up with that he never had any intention of following. I feel foolish.
The incessant lies, manipulation, deceit, hurt, anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, and stress these addicts bring into people's lives is sickening!! People who they claim to love, people who they know love them, but they don't care. They're the only person in the universe who matters and their DOC is the only thing that exists. Never mind the damage they've done to their families - abandoning spouses and children, leaving their parents wondering what they did wrong, manipulating friends, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, with only one thing in mind - money. Stealing from their own families. It makes me sick!!!
And then when they run out of money, they finally show their faces again, either to con someone into giving them more money or find something to steal. They put on the "I'm sorry, I want to get clean" act in hopes they can go back home. And then they won't even face the people they manipulated because they're too shameful. More like too cowardly.
I have spent the last few days reading over a lot of postings here on SR, by both addicts and loved ones, and it makes my stomach turn. My anger went from being directed at my ex to being directed towards addicts in general.
Just needed to get that out. <end rant>
Having said that, can I just go on an angry tirade about addicts and the damage that they do?!
The addict in my life was my ex-bf who was my current bf two weeks ago when he told me he loved me and have a good day at work, then proceeded to steal money from me so he could relapse on opiates. He texted me all day pretending he was at work (turns out he hadn't been working in at least a couple of weeks) and then pretending he was going to a meeting. And then that's it, he hasn't been seen since. So he gets to go into hiding and get high all day while people who care about him have to wonder if he is OK and if/when he will come back.
This is someone who never told me he was a recovering heroin addict, then used opiates behind my back almost our entire relationship. It feels like I was cheated on, but with a substance. And I was so ignorant about drugs and addiction, I had no idea what was wrong with him, just that he was acting crazy. It makes me so angry now. Especially because once I did find out (only by snooping because of course every time I asked him why he was acting so bizarre he had some made up excuse), I actually agreed to stay with him. I fell for his crocodile tears and empty promises, this recovery plan that he came up with that he never had any intention of following. I feel foolish.
The incessant lies, manipulation, deceit, hurt, anger, fear, sadness, anxiety, and stress these addicts bring into people's lives is sickening!! People who they claim to love, people who they know love them, but they don't care. They're the only person in the universe who matters and their DOC is the only thing that exists. Never mind the damage they've done to their families - abandoning spouses and children, leaving their parents wondering what they did wrong, manipulating friends, siblings, aunts, uncles, grandparents, with only one thing in mind - money. Stealing from their own families. It makes me sick!!!
And then when they run out of money, they finally show their faces again, either to con someone into giving them more money or find something to steal. They put on the "I'm sorry, I want to get clean" act in hopes they can go back home. And then they won't even face the people they manipulated because they're too shameful. More like too cowardly.
I have spent the last few days reading over a lot of postings here on SR, by both addicts and loved ones, and it makes my stomach turn. My anger went from being directed at my ex to being directed towards addicts in general.
Just needed to get that out. <end rant>
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Join Date: Nov 2013
Location: Right here right now
Posts: 57
Soo many of us can relate to what you wrote, Hope... you said it for all of us.
Take care of yourself - anger, in it's own way, is part of the grieving process. It's a necessary thing to go through, but it won't last forever.
Take care
Take care of yourself - anger, in it's own way, is part of the grieving process. It's a necessary thing to go through, but it won't last forever.
Take care
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
glad you could express hope...yes...they all follow the same patterns as do we. in being able to detach (really hard for me with each addict child) and to just let them do what they are going to do...and work on ourselves (which is stinking hard for me)...we start to heal...anger is a huge part to get through along with other emotions...it is part of grieving illusions that were never reality. take care.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, Hope7726.
Your post says it all and and your self expression is beautiful and so very eloquent.
I will share with you that after divorcing my husband of 19 years, I jumped into another relationship immediately. My history had been I'd be the first one to leave a relationship so that I didn't have to face abandonment, because God knows I couldn't deal with that.
So I left my husband and the world I knew and took off across the US with this man, accompanying him to social events, lots of fun, lots of parties, lots of interesting people, staying as busy as I could, running from the pain I'd caused others, hoping I'd escape having to face them and the damage I had caused. After 2 and-a-half years, all of my fears came true. I had this fear that if I ever met a man and let myself love him with all my heart that he'd leave me and my heart would be broken. He left me, my world came tumbling down. And, yes, alcohol and drugs were his mistress.
I was left alone to deal with the aftermath of what I'd sacrificed for "love". I am truly grateful today that God put that man in my life. I learned that all my life I had been defining who I was by the man I was in a relationship with at the time, or my career, where I lived, what type friends I had, how much money I had in the bank. In other words, all of those outside things defined "what" I was instead of "who" I was. When he left I didn't know who I was, didn't have a clue.
When the relationship ended I felt exposed, vulnerable, violated, and alone. And I will say, once again, I thank God for putting that man in my life because that's where my spiritual journey began. All of that pain taught me lessons I needed to learn, and it's because of that pain that I am the person I am today. I have discovered that I am a kind, considerate, sincere, compassionate person, a good friend, dependable, and loyal. I take responsibility for my actions and my recovery. I still do get confused when new situations arise, but I know that when I reach out for help the right person's going to be there at the right time.
It took what it took for me to get where I am today. I had to find out what real hell was. Living hell was placing my mental, physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual dependency in the hands of another human instead of a power greater than myself, whom I choose to call God.
It's because of the people in AlAnon and on this SR board sharing their experience, strength, and hope that I am reminded daily that all that matters at the end of the day, no matter how clumsy my efforts seem to be that I know I have sincerely practiced this program of revovery and lived by the principles the best I know how today.
Today I have the opportunity to live my life with dignity and self-respect.
Your post really touched me and I thank you for your brutal honesty.
Your post says it all and and your self expression is beautiful and so very eloquent.
I will share with you that after divorcing my husband of 19 years, I jumped into another relationship immediately. My history had been I'd be the first one to leave a relationship so that I didn't have to face abandonment, because God knows I couldn't deal with that.
So I left my husband and the world I knew and took off across the US with this man, accompanying him to social events, lots of fun, lots of parties, lots of interesting people, staying as busy as I could, running from the pain I'd caused others, hoping I'd escape having to face them and the damage I had caused. After 2 and-a-half years, all of my fears came true. I had this fear that if I ever met a man and let myself love him with all my heart that he'd leave me and my heart would be broken. He left me, my world came tumbling down. And, yes, alcohol and drugs were his mistress.
I was left alone to deal with the aftermath of what I'd sacrificed for "love". I am truly grateful today that God put that man in my life. I learned that all my life I had been defining who I was by the man I was in a relationship with at the time, or my career, where I lived, what type friends I had, how much money I had in the bank. In other words, all of those outside things defined "what" I was instead of "who" I was. When he left I didn't know who I was, didn't have a clue.
When the relationship ended I felt exposed, vulnerable, violated, and alone. And I will say, once again, I thank God for putting that man in my life because that's where my spiritual journey began. All of that pain taught me lessons I needed to learn, and it's because of that pain that I am the person I am today. I have discovered that I am a kind, considerate, sincere, compassionate person, a good friend, dependable, and loyal. I take responsibility for my actions and my recovery. I still do get confused when new situations arise, but I know that when I reach out for help the right person's going to be there at the right time.
It took what it took for me to get where I am today. I had to find out what real hell was. Living hell was placing my mental, physical, emotional, financial, and spiritual dependency in the hands of another human instead of a power greater than myself, whom I choose to call God.
It's because of the people in AlAnon and on this SR board sharing their experience, strength, and hope that I am reminded daily that all that matters at the end of the day, no matter how clumsy my efforts seem to be that I know I have sincerely practiced this program of revovery and lived by the principles the best I know how today.
Today I have the opportunity to live my life with dignity and self-respect.
Your post really touched me and I thank you for your brutal honesty.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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My AXGF started rearing her ugly head this past spring, two years after we broke up. I was forced to change my cell phone number, and I also went to court to take out a RO and got a hearing date.
The problem, however, was I had no idea where she lived, and I needed that information if she was going to be served. But the more I thought about it, I decided to not pursue the RO because that would mean I would have to deal with her again a year down the road. So I went back to the court to stop the process, but I couldn't and I had to go to the scheduled hearing.
You want to talk about anger? I had to waste two hours of my day off to take care of something that took about 45 seconds. I saw red, having to deal with the nonsense my AXGF initiated.
Then in occurred to me that that's what she wanted me to feel. She wanted to get under my skin and **** me off.
Well, mission f**king accomplished. But then I let it go. Going through day to day life angry at a sick person isn't my idea of living. Because being angry doesn't change anything for the better.
Put a time limit on how angry you are. Otherwise, it will eat you up, and being angry at a sick person is no way to live.
The problem, however, was I had no idea where she lived, and I needed that information if she was going to be served. But the more I thought about it, I decided to not pursue the RO because that would mean I would have to deal with her again a year down the road. So I went back to the court to stop the process, but I couldn't and I had to go to the scheduled hearing.
You want to talk about anger? I had to waste two hours of my day off to take care of something that took about 45 seconds. I saw red, having to deal with the nonsense my AXGF initiated.
Then in occurred to me that that's what she wanted me to feel. She wanted to get under my skin and **** me off.
Well, mission f**king accomplished. But then I let it go. Going through day to day life angry at a sick person isn't my idea of living. Because being angry doesn't change anything for the better.
Put a time limit on how angry you are. Otherwise, it will eat you up, and being angry at a sick person is no way to live.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
Originally Posted by djlook 
When the relationship ended I felt exposed, vulnerable, violated, and alone. And I will say, once again, I thank God for putting that man in my life because that's where my spiritual journey began. All of that pain taught me lessons I needed to learn, and it's because of that pain that I am the person I am today. I have discovered that I am a kind, considerate, sincere, compassionate person, a good friend, dependable, and loyal. I take responsibility for my actions and my recovery. I still do get confused when new situations arise, but I know that when I reach out for help the right person's going to be there at the right time.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Honey, you keep doing what you're doing. You're on the right path. As you build upon your relationship with your HP, praying for understanding, you will become an even kinder more gentle person, and then some day you will feel compassion for your BF and look at him as another suffering child of God.
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