Step 4
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Step 4
Hi everyone... well, I am not one to post a lot; you may say I'm a wallflower of sorts, in life and on message boards... but I come here often and am always amazed and the wisdom and compassion of those that offer support and advice. There are some really powerful connections made here every day.
So, my question: I received a text message from "the one I love" (we have had minimal contact in the past six months, have been on and off for more than 10 years, as friends, in a relationship, and friends again, and in a relationship - lather, rinse, repeat). He has tried to get clean, but then relapses, so many times... I have tried, with mixed success, to detach with love, and care for him as the person he is, rather than the person I always wanted him to be. It helps that we live in different states... Anyways, the text basically said that he didn't want to hurt anybody any more, including me, and that he wants to live a clean life and that even though it hurts to not be in touch with me or see me, and that I am the one he always wanted, but cannot in order not to hurt and be hurt.
OK, so.... as I said, I have tried to just take him as he is, with no expectations of sobriety or a life spent together (even though I love him). But the text made me think: is he working on a 4th step and is this his way of making amends with me? Is that all that is needed in order to tick the box off Step 4, to just say that he is sorry, that he doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore by his behaviors? Can someone tell me what Step 4 should look like?
Thanks everyone - wishing you peace....
So, my question: I received a text message from "the one I love" (we have had minimal contact in the past six months, have been on and off for more than 10 years, as friends, in a relationship, and friends again, and in a relationship - lather, rinse, repeat). He has tried to get clean, but then relapses, so many times... I have tried, with mixed success, to detach with love, and care for him as the person he is, rather than the person I always wanted him to be. It helps that we live in different states... Anyways, the text basically said that he didn't want to hurt anybody any more, including me, and that he wants to live a clean life and that even though it hurts to not be in touch with me or see me, and that I am the one he always wanted, but cannot in order not to hurt and be hurt.
OK, so.... as I said, I have tried to just take him as he is, with no expectations of sobriety or a life spent together (even though I love him). But the text made me think: is he working on a 4th step and is this his way of making amends with me? Is that all that is needed in order to tick the box off Step 4, to just say that he is sorry, that he doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore by his behaviors? Can someone tell me what Step 4 should look like?
Thanks everyone - wishing you peace....
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, Ghosseir.
When I did a fourth step inventory and listed the people I had harmed, when it came to the ninth step, which is what the ninth step is, I was taught to make direct amends to people except when to do so would injure them or others, which meant a face-to-face amends. That's how my sponsor took me through the book. When I did get to my ninth step, I was taught to look that person in the eyes and say, "I know what I did to you but I don't know what that did to you, what can I do to make that right." Getting sober is about humility.
When I did a fourth step inventory and listed the people I had harmed, when it came to the ninth step, which is what the ninth step is, I was taught to make direct amends to people except when to do so would injure them or others, which meant a face-to-face amends. That's how my sponsor took me through the book. When I did get to my ninth step, I was taught to look that person in the eyes and say, "I know what I did to you but I don't know what that did to you, what can I do to make that right." Getting sober is about humility.
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But the text made me think: is he working on a 4th step and is this his way of making amends with me? Is that all that is needed in order to tick the box off Step 4, to just say that he is sorry, that he doesn't want to hurt anyone anymore by his behaviors? Can someone tell me what Step 4 should look like?
Anyways, the text basically said that he didn't want to hurt anybody any more, including me, and that he wants to live a clean life and that even though it hurts to not be in touch with me or see me, and that I am the one he always wanted, but cannot in order not to hurt and be hurt.
So, don't waste your time or energy trying to figure out what step he's on. Worry about you.
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Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
I wouldn't put any credence in any text or email you receive.
He could be high when he sends it. I'd block written communication entirely. There is no way to gauge state of mind in written communication. Not only that, but it can be written and rewritten until the wording is just so. Even with that said, that whole text is double-speak.
He could be high when he sends it. I'd block written communication entirely. There is no way to gauge state of mind in written communication. Not only that, but it can be written and rewritten until the wording is just so. Even with that said, that whole text is double-speak.
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Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
If it were me, I would just take his text at face value; that is, what he is saying seems honest and truthful. Try not to read more into it. He doesn't want to hurt you or be hurt. I say this with a gentle heart: does it help you to imagine what step he may be working?
So you are attached tenderly and long term to an addict--someone you love is an addict...It is a hard road. I hope you find all the love and support you need here and elsewhere.
Trust that you will know what an "amends" is when you get one. In the meantime, just accept him as he is and expect nothing more.
So you are attached tenderly and long term to an addict--someone you love is an addict...It is a hard road. I hope you find all the love and support you need here and elsewhere.
Trust that you will know what an "amends" is when you get one. In the meantime, just accept him as he is and expect nothing more.
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Thank you all.... And of course, you are spot on.
Yes, maybe he wrote it while actively using, and words are cheap (written or spoken). It has taken me a long time to reconcile and accept the state of our relationship. I hope he finds peace.... I care for him, from a distance, and I will continue to do so. We have a lot of history. Although I really, really hope he is working the steps (hence my question) I'm under no illusion. It's difficult. But you are right, what it all boils down to is .... Behavior.
Ah, the things we do for love... But i have found peace and acceptance - Not 100% of the time. Maybe 86% of the time. Hey, not too bad.
Thank you, good night.
Yes, maybe he wrote it while actively using, and words are cheap (written or spoken). It has taken me a long time to reconcile and accept the state of our relationship. I hope he finds peace.... I care for him, from a distance, and I will continue to do so. We have a lot of history. Although I really, really hope he is working the steps (hence my question) I'm under no illusion. It's difficult. But you are right, what it all boils down to is .... Behavior.
Ah, the things we do for love... But i have found peace and acceptance - Not 100% of the time. Maybe 86% of the time. Hey, not too bad.
Thank you, good night.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
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Anyways, the text basically said that he didn't want to hurt anybody any more, including me, and that he wants to live a clean life and that even though it hurts to not be in touch with me or see me, and that I am the one he always wanted, but cannot in order not to hurt and be hurt.
HOW did you go from the above text to him working the Steps and being on Step 9 and this being an amends?
that is quite a leap. when I read it I "hear" him saying he's unplugging and not planning to be in further contact.
on and off for more than 10 years
surely you see the pattern by now? what is in this for YOU? what is it about the "come here go away" nature of the past decade keeps you hooked? this is the best you are gonna get.....how much longer do you plan to love from a distance......aka stay stuck?
HOW did you go from the above text to him working the Steps and being on Step 9 and this being an amends?
that is quite a leap. when I read it I "hear" him saying he's unplugging and not planning to be in further contact.
on and off for more than 10 years
surely you see the pattern by now? what is in this for YOU? what is it about the "come here go away" nature of the past decade keeps you hooked? this is the best you are gonna get.....how much longer do you plan to love from a distance......aka stay stuck?
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Join Date: Nov 2013
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Posts: 57
Yes, I though that maybe he wanted to unplug and tune out. The text also said that he knew that he hurt me, and was sorry and didn't want to continue to hurt me. I do not know if he is using or not, if he is attending meetings or not (we live in different states) Ii just wanted to know if maybe he was working on making amends, and that would be a good thing, because that would mean that at the very least he is trying to work a program.
We do have a lot of history and our friendship is important to me. We are not in a romantic relationship and I'm pretty certain we never will be (maybe when we're 80. Maybe.) I'm realistic about his limitations. What's in it for me? Not really sure how to answer that question. Maybe the comfort of being in contact with someone who really knows me, has seen me at my best and worst. And he has been a good friend to me (not a good boyfriend, but a good friend)
Maybe i have more work to do on this?
We do have a lot of history and our friendship is important to me. We are not in a romantic relationship and I'm pretty certain we never will be (maybe when we're 80. Maybe.) I'm realistic about his limitations. What's in it for me? Not really sure how to answer that question. Maybe the comfort of being in contact with someone who really knows me, has seen me at my best and worst. And he has been a good friend to me (not a good boyfriend, but a good friend)
Maybe i have more work to do on this?
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