gabriel01

Last night my RABF who was sobered for 10 months now told me he has a new sponsee. He told me his high school drug dealer came to the meetings this week and asked him to be his sponsor.

I was a bit puzzled. Because I thought you should at least sober for a decent amount of time and finish the 12-steps before become someone's sponsor. I didn't ask him about his recovery or meetings for a while already because I don't want to put all my focus on him anymore. And I found it my life becomes much peaceful and happier this way. Anyway, so I asked him if he finished the 12-steps yet. He told me that he did. I was a little bit surprised. Because I never receive any amends from him. (I didn't say it out to him, lol). But he told me he done the steps last month. Did the step 5 with his sponsor and made an amends to his mom couple months ago. Is that how is work in the steps program? I thought the step 8th is you have to list ALL the people you harmed and make amends to all of them. Isn't it? From what I heard from him, the way they do is they redo the step program repeatly and one by one.
I don't really concern how they do it, but I just wondering how does the steps program actually work.

biminiblue

Even if he hasn't offered an amends, there is nothing you can really do about it. There are many ways to skin a cat, and AA isn't a completely rigid format - each person has some leeway. Same thing with sponsorship, no one can enforce any "rules" about who is or isn't fit to be a sponsor. His group will have to deal with that part.

That said, he may or may not ever do an out-loud amends to you. If he is living in a responsible way, that may be his "living amends" to you.

Are you getting any help for yourself? Are you going to Al Anon meetings or talking to a counselor?

gabriel01

Oh, I'm not questioning about his recovery. As I said, I don't want step to his drinking or drug problem anymore. I was just really curious. Maybe is a woman thing. lol

Is he living in a responsible way? I am not sure. His job doesn't make a lot of money. He living paycheck from paycheck. He could have save some money though, but he like to purchase a toy or couple for himself every month, so he is always broke. But that's his choice. His mom offed him and his brother a $1000 couple months ago, but he didn't take it. So I think it's a might be a sign that he tries to take care of himself. He...once in a while (every couple weeks) will get angry for something. But I don't response/react anymore. I keep on doing what I have to do, like hangout with my daughter & friends and learn things I'm interested in or shopping.

I told him I've been saving money for a while already, in a year or so, I will able to purchase a new place. He was a bit "angry" that I might move out without him and he won't able to support this place himself. I haven't decide if I will let him move in with me if I bought a new place yet. But I have to look after myself first. I want to do and treat myself right first, isn't it?

I didn't go to al-anon now. And counselor, he said that we should go to a couple counseling couple months ago. I said okay and told him to contact a counselor and set up an appointment. It's been over 2 months now, I didn't hear anything back. I causally asked about the appointment in the first 2 weeks. I don't eager for a counselor, because I sorta know what I want and accept. I have no problem to kick him out if things go downhill.

biminiblue

You sound like you are taking care of yourself and have your eyes open, I hope he keeps moving in a positive direction.

It often doesn't happen quickly and you're right, that's something you'll have to decide if you are comfortable with.