Hope7726

Last night I saw my therapist and filled her in on my (ex) boyfriend's relapse, him taking off and not contacting anyone for almost two weeks now. She has never met him but has never liked him based on the things I have told her. She counsels heroin addicts at a clinic and does not have anything even remotely positive to say about them.

I only started seeing her a couple of months ago when I learned my XBF was an addict and she spent every appointment asking me why I found him so appealing when he hid this huge secret from me? How could I be so in love with someone who was using more than half of our year-long relationship? I didn't even know the real him. How could someone so logical (me) be so illogical about this? She spent every week trying to talk me out of the relationship without directly saying LEAVE.

So now obviously the relationship is over. Last night she told me that I was duped (I was) and that he is a con-artist who was never really in love with me. That theory had never crossed my mind. He is the typical addict people-pleaser - charms everyone, people adore him and would never suspect his drug use, he was always bringing me flowers and telling me how much he loved me, I was the greatest, he wanted me to be his wife, blah blah blah. I asked her how he would benefit from conning me. I don't have any money, he stole $70 from me when he left last week but never anything prior to that. I don't have nice things he could steal, I don't use drugs myself, I am not an insecure or vulnerable person, I always called him out on his sh*t. I was just a normal person looking for a serious relationship. Her response was that "he is a sick person" and that's really all she said.

I know therapists don't know everything. And just because you got a degree in something doesn't make you an expert. They all have varying opinions and you shouldn't live your life solely based on the advise or opinion of one person. But how do you feel about this theory that most drug addicts (both active and in recovery, she claims) are actually con-artists who are incapable of having real feelings for people?

mistyeye

This makes sense. My ABF started 4 months again and sure could talk a good talk. Made me feel I was his life. I realize it was lies. He was trying to hide his addiction. My Bf I fell in-love with left me mentally months ago. This person who abandoned my son and I was someone else. I do not want that person and I think the one I fell in-love with is gone. So I am mourning him and trying hard to trust God. I know He will never give me anything I can't handle. I do not want this life of mistrust and false hope. There is always someone who will love us the way we deserve and be there......Good luck and stay strong.

Ann

If you take a good read around here, you will see that most drug addicts active in their disease, will do anything to get the money they need or food and shelter while they steal the money they need...to obtain their drug.

My son was a loving, gentle, honest, kind, person...before he got involved in drugs. Once hooked he became a scheming, lying, manipulative conning thief, a person I didn't know. It was as if the son I knew and loved had been completely taken over by his disease.

The thing is, many times he "appeared" normal, would tell us he was clean (and remorseful for all he had done) and we let him come home so many times...and each time it started well and then it turned my home into a war zone and we would have to make him leave, which broke our hearts to see him head for the street.

The thing is, REAL help is on the street...detox, Salvation Army FREE rehab programs, food banks, shelters with counselors who help those who want to be helped...all these are on the street just waiting for the active addict to reach out.

So yes, they are con artists even though in their hearts they may hate what they are doing. They lie and con and use any means possible to get their drugs.

And the thing is, they are not doing it TO us, they are just doing it to feed their addictions.

I hope you find the courage to live your life without active addiction being part of it...or the con that may make you think "things will be different, this time" because they rarely are...and often they are worse.

Hugs

atalose

Addicts like to be loved to; addicts have needs that are other than drugs. You were his friend an emotional connection outside of himself. I’m sure he loved you as best he could have but active addicts will always love the drugs more.

It’s true, when they are using and we begin a relationship with them, the active addict is the only person we really know. We don’t know them totally clean or sober, they can be people we don’t even like.

As for being a con-artist or just an addict doing what addicts do – When I hear con-artist I think – did he swindle you out of money? Was he homeless when you met and fed you some sob story so you would bring him home like a puppy?

OR

Was he just doing what addicts do, lying about his whereabouts because he was using or drug sick? Was he using your own emotions against you to gain something for himself – sympathy, forgiveness?

I can see how your therapists wording have you thinking in overdrive and filled with doubt. She has her opinion and I’m sure she has your best interest in mind.

You can’t have a relationship with an active addict because they are already having one with their drug. And that relationship will always be stronger and more dedication to then any other until they decide to stop doing drugs and seeks help outside of themselves.

Maybe he cared and loved you enough to walk away!!!!

((hugs))

zoso77

That's a little bit harsh. But the thrust of it is accurate.

What I would have added, however, is you can't take what he's doing personally. He would do this to anyone.

Hope7726

She actually said that too, zoso.

zoso77

Addiction is such a selfish, selfish condition, and a self inflicted one at that. Once you depersonalize what the addict is doing, the behavior starts to make sense.

Hope7726

I am trying to depersonalize his addiction. It will take time but at least his toxicity is out of my life now.

When I found out he was using 3 months ago I felt like he had died. I cried so hard I could have thrown up. I have never felt pain and hopelessness like that before. This disease really kills people - if not physically than spiritually. So in reality, I have been mourning the loss of this relationship for months.

When it comes to what my therapist said I will try to take what I want and leave the rest. I shouldn't let one person convince me of something that deep down I know isn't true.

legna

Much of what the therapist said to you hurts my heart.

Will he con you? Sure. He never loved you? Well, perhaps. When my grandmother screamed at me to get out of her room because she didn't recognize me, was that personal or was that a function of her Alzheimer's? Likewise, what an addict does is a result of his or her addiction - a function of the primal brain, not his higher functioning centers.

Sometimes folks have a need to demonize the addict in order to make the break to no contact which is often necessary to self-preservation but I think that this perspective keeps us from growing in our recovery later.

For an addict (at least this addict) withdrawal feels like I am dying. What is a lie that I'm running to the store to get some creamer for tomorrow morning's coffee when I'm really running out to my dealers to get a fix compared to suffering that feels like it's leading to death?

If I'm being held at gunpoint by someone who just broke into my house and my wife calls home and I'm told to answer the phone and tell her everything is okay - that's what I'm going to do. My wife will understand. The threat of death is hanging over me and I lied to save my life. That's what addiction feels like to me.

Now that doesn't mean that just because I understand it, I should put up with it. On the contrary, if you are not happy with the situation (and who would be) then it is time to leave. This is a family disease which means that addiction is contagious! Live with one long enough and you become sick too. You can leave to protect yourself without demonizing the addict.

Moving forward, seeing the addict as the sick, suffering person that he or she is allowed me to find forgiveness easier - for both myself and the addict.

Hope4Life

Yes!

ANYTHING to get their DOC.... ANYTHING!

Hope7726

That is a really helpful way to describe addiction legna, thank you. As someone who has never suffered from it I can't even fathom how it feels or begin to understand it. But that I can sort of relate to. And I'm not mad at him. So many things he has done make me mad but really I am devastated and heart broken for him.

Txhelp

The way you describe your therapist feels harsh. However, I believe the "con artist" thing is manipulation and lies that the addict tells. Whether he loved you or not isn't the issue. He chose drugs over you....an addict always does.

thequest

I can't agree more. The con's main goal is the money in the end. Actually same for the addict because it frequently comes down to money for THEIR habit.

I think both want what they want they will do anything or have no compunction about manipulating people to get their money. My guess the addict might have already been a bit manipulative & selfish prior to full fledged addiction. Sobriety kept it in check. I see it here.

The addict here would make an double triple outstanding used car salesman. And like the conman they are constantly running their long con with subliminal suggestion. They are trying to sell their desperation and dire immediate need for money.

Everybody puts on a bit of a show in public with grooming, fashion, jewelry or even behavior but when someone goes out of their way to put on a "show" you know there is probably something else going on.

Hope noting the people pleaser and charmer in the conman is so accurate because the con goes out of their way to leave a good impression to open the door for money. I think the addict is trying to get money and hide their issues with the exact same technics a con artist would are quite similar.

Vale

If one's head is placed underwater, the higher functions (logic/morality/sociality)
are quickly subordinated to one thing....OXYGEN.

Substitute MONEY for OXYGEN and I think the analogy is fairly accurate.
Long ago (before my interface with this evil)....I would have told you with a straight face
there were some things I would NEVER do. Since staring THIS devil in the face, my
conceit in this regard has been rendered inoperative.

alwaysthere4u

my nephew is on heroine and he lives in AK and I"m in AL. He's tried to call me numerous of times asking me for money and I tell him no. My sister says NOT TO LET HIM USE ME. He is in the hospital now but threatening to leave if I don't send him the money. He said he will just pan handle if he has to. I just don't know what to do!

i just called the hospital where he WAS and they said he left last night. So, now i don 't know where he is... how do you cope?

Hope7726

I'm sorry. My opiate addicted (ex) bf left with nothing but the clothes on his back, a half charged cell phone and unfortunately, a hefty check from his last employer and some cash he stole from me. None of his loved ones have heard from him since. This is the first time he has done this in almost ten years (he has been clean for almost 9 years before relapsing earlier this year and hiding it from everyone). I didn't know him back then but his mom told me she would never give him money and never believe anything he said. She took his car away finally after he kept "disappearing" for weeks at a time and she only agreed to give him rides to detox or rehab. As difficult as it is, you can't give into them. They will manipulate and lie to you, steal from you, do anything to get money for their fix. Sometimes the best thing to do is nothing. Check out Alanon or Naranon to better understand your addict and the best way to deal with him while maintaining your sanity and dignity.

thequest

One of the things I noticed that an addict might want the things other people have including a nice car, cable etc along with money. I've seen an alkie/addict literally "charm" or talk his way into relationships strictly for that-place to live, use of a nice car, place to live which allows them to spend their own money on their vices. I've also seen the relationship collapse or start to fail as soon as money is brought up.

He lost one shortly after he attempted to hit up family for money with a "business" deal. I've also seen them pal up and play best friend to money people hoping to make a "business" deal with them-by their own admission.

There are some personal image issues as well. I think they want everyone to think every thing is fine and dandy along with "hitting it big" with a sugar daddy or mama. They want everyone to think they are on easy street by their own design. They are not working because "they don't have to".