Please Tell Me What To Do....
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Frightened,
Welcome to the Board. I'm late in chiming in on this, but I'm glad our other members have beat me to the punch. We have a lot of moms just like you who've been through the fire, and the wisdom they share with you is invaluable.
My two cents?
At the risk of sounding cold, too bad. When I read something like this, it smacks of manipulation. Addicts are especially good at exploiting the fears of their loved ones to achieve their aims. Need proof?
Bullsh*t.
When I read something like this, what she's really saying is she's not willing to do the hard work necessary to become a responsible, accountable adult. Addiction is a condition where responsibility and accountability don't exist. They are the mortal enemies of the addict. And let's face it: there are worse places to be than in a psych ward, and the only way she'll end up in there is if she's at risk of harming herself or harming others.
Hold firm on your boundaries. Learn how to say no. And make sure you attend support group meetings like Al Anon or Nar Anon.
Welcome to the Board. I'm late in chiming in on this, but I'm glad our other members have beat me to the punch. We have a lot of moms just like you who've been through the fire, and the wisdom they share with you is invaluable.
My two cents?
She is my only child and I am so torn. I want her to get better and put this addiction behind her. My mother died due to years of pain pill abuse. I don't want to see the same thing happen to my daughter. How do I know that what she is telling me is not the truth? She is so hysterical when she calls - she cries and begs for the entire time shes on the phone. It is really wearing her dad and I down. We don't know what to do.
She swears up and down that she is finished with the pills and doesn't have any cravings any more and will never touch a pill again. She says if she stays in that place she will end up in the psych ward.
When I read something like this, what she's really saying is she's not willing to do the hard work necessary to become a responsible, accountable adult. Addiction is a condition where responsibility and accountability don't exist. They are the mortal enemies of the addict. And let's face it: there are worse places to be than in a psych ward, and the only way she'll end up in there is if she's at risk of harming herself or harming others.
Hold firm on your boundaries. Learn how to say no. And make sure you attend support group meetings like Al Anon or Nar Anon.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2014
Posts: 25,373
It all sounds good, but when she's saying all that, I am thinking, does she really mean it or is this the addict saying what she thinks we want to hear? She told us that she wants to get back into school and start enjoying her life again. I want that for her too, I'm just terrified that when she does start her new life, she will not be equipped to handle the triggers and the cravings she will inevitably get. Will outpatient therapy and attending meetings be enough when she is released from this treatment?
Just work on you and learn healthy ways to overcome your fears. Get out of her head. She is an adult and is going to have to sink or swim on her own. All these details are her stuff. Stay on your side of the street.
Support her emotionally if she stays clean. Recovery looks like recovery. You will know.
All the details of her treatment are up to her - not for you to micro-manage. Keep going to Al Anon - for your health and to learn to set healthy boundaries with your daughter (and everyone.)
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Hi Frightened. Regarding what happens after your daughter is released from her current treatment program, just wanted to say that I'm a fan of sober living homes - provided you do your homework to find a good one. In Michigan (and I think in most states), there is no licensing or special regulations governing recovery homes, and pretty much anyone can hang out a shingle. Some are great, others are not, and the local inpatient rehabs are not necessarily good at limiting their lists of aftercare options to only the good ones. Your daughter may not have the wherewithal to do this research on her own, especially since she is currently in treatment, and finding a good recovery home is just too important to leave to chance.
I think many of us allowed our addicts to return home after a stint in rehab, believing them when they said they would follow their aftercare programs to the letter. In my two separate experiences, they didn't, and I ended up trying to play warden, tried to get them to do what they knew they should do, and battle lines were drawn. It wasn't fun, and both were using again within a week. They had used in my home before rehab - my entire house and the living situation was a trigger for them to use. I think it is usually best for the addict in very early recovery to NOT return to her using environment after the typically brief stay in rehab. It's just too hard for both the addict and her loved ones. The structure and recovery-oriented environment of a GOOD recovery home is usually a much better option, IMHO.
I think many of us allowed our addicts to return home after a stint in rehab, believing them when they said they would follow their aftercare programs to the letter. In my two separate experiences, they didn't, and I ended up trying to play warden, tried to get them to do what they knew they should do, and battle lines were drawn. It wasn't fun, and both were using again within a week. They had used in my home before rehab - my entire house and the living situation was a trigger for them to use. I think it is usually best for the addict in very early recovery to NOT return to her using environment after the typically brief stay in rehab. It's just too hard for both the addict and her loved ones. The structure and recovery-oriented environment of a GOOD recovery home is usually a much better option, IMHO.
Member
Join Date: Mar 2012
Location: MI
Posts: 452
Hi Frightened. Regarding what happens after your daughter is released from her current treatment program, just wanted to say that I'm a fan of sober living homes - provided you do your homework to find a good one. In Michigan (and I think in most states), there is no licensing or special regulations governing recovery homes, and pretty much anyone can hang out a shingle. Some are great, others are not, and the local inpatient rehabs are not necessarily good at limiting their lists of aftercare options to only the good ones. Your daughter may not have the wherewithal to do this research on her own, especially since she is currently in treatment, and finding a good recovery home is just too important to leave to chance.
I think many of us allowed our addicts to return home after a stint in rehab, believing them when they said they would follow their aftercare programs to the letter. In my two separate experiences, they didn't, and I ended up trying to play warden, tried to get them to do what they knew they should do, and battle lines were drawn. It wasn't fun, and both were using again within a week. They had used in my home before rehab - my entire house and the living situation was a trigger for them to use. I think it is usually best for the addict in very early recovery to NOT return to her using environment after the typically brief stay in rehab. It's just too hard for both the addict and her loved ones. The structure and recovery-oriented environment of a GOOD recovery home is usually a much better option, IMHO.
I think many of us allowed our addicts to return home after a stint in rehab, believing them when they said they would follow their aftercare programs to the letter. In my two separate experiences, they didn't, and I ended up trying to play warden, tried to get them to do what they knew they should do, and battle lines were drawn. It wasn't fun, and both were using again within a week. They had used in my home before rehab - my entire house and the living situation was a trigger for them to use. I think it is usually best for the addict in very early recovery to NOT return to her using environment after the typically brief stay in rehab. It's just too hard for both the addict and her loved ones. The structure and recovery-oriented environment of a GOOD recovery home is usually a much better option, IMHO.
Last edited by SeekingGrowth; 11-03-2014 at 08:36 AM. Reason: Sorry - not sure why this double-posted! :(
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Hi Frightened...I feel for you and am so happy that you found an FA meeting...I have had multiple addict children over the past 19 years but was ultimately able to set boundaries with the first two and let them go...and each of them is doing well...it is still hard with the 2nd (who is very self absorbed but I think that is her personality) and I am glad we took the steps we ultimately did with her...she was an extreme manipulator so got a lot more from us than her older sister who is growing up nicely.
#3 got addicted to heroin 5 years ago and has been completely impervious and resistant to all family support and work to get her to accept treatment...and I had to release her in love in June after a harrowing year (& before that another harrowing year but just trying to find a job from overseas where we had gone to regroup--my husband's home country)--and we found her in a crack hotel...she was homeless before that for months with bf (panhandling for them both) and well...many parents here can relate. The judge and DA were everything prayers for a miracle requested...unbeknownst to me...the judge was from drug court and has a heart for rehab and the DA had an addict Dad who almost killed himself several times during her lifetime. She had a perseverant public defender and she is beautiful and manipulative (I never realized how much but she is) and I finally couldn't handle the stress after the courtroom scene she put on when the judge put her in jail orange for not following through with the mandated drug diversion assessment (that is what I got for her by being allowed to make a statement) and then I just went downhill...weak and trying to cling to a job...and completely powerless...but went to the courtroom in June (it was 6 months of on-going stuff) and before that we got her into a rehab (I had insurance for the first time in 5 years)--and she ran...she never got clean...and I kind of knew it but was so stressed about trying to get her help...she then moved on to her older sisters (unbeknownst to me) as I was just trying to set boundaries and make my job work including crazy behavior...like too many hours, too many solutions and getting more stressed) and then...as I set boundaries...the oldest sister told me what had happened and I shared that I couldn't do it anymore and that I hoped that they were able to set healthy boundaries as both have children under 10 to take care of...and had to leave it there.
I hope that you find help for yourself and that FA helps...I am currently doing naranon f2f (1 meeting in the area)--and some online and sober recovery as if my life depends upon it as it does.
God Bless and know that prayers are going your way...it is all hard...but until they are ready...I can attest that they are not ready...and ultimately with all 3...although I am so much more worried about this one OD'ing...I have learned that the only solution for my addicts was to release in love or go down myself.
#3 got addicted to heroin 5 years ago and has been completely impervious and resistant to all family support and work to get her to accept treatment...and I had to release her in love in June after a harrowing year (& before that another harrowing year but just trying to find a job from overseas where we had gone to regroup--my husband's home country)--and we found her in a crack hotel...she was homeless before that for months with bf (panhandling for them both) and well...many parents here can relate. The judge and DA were everything prayers for a miracle requested...unbeknownst to me...the judge was from drug court and has a heart for rehab and the DA had an addict Dad who almost killed himself several times during her lifetime. She had a perseverant public defender and she is beautiful and manipulative (I never realized how much but she is) and I finally couldn't handle the stress after the courtroom scene she put on when the judge put her in jail orange for not following through with the mandated drug diversion assessment (that is what I got for her by being allowed to make a statement) and then I just went downhill...weak and trying to cling to a job...and completely powerless...but went to the courtroom in June (it was 6 months of on-going stuff) and before that we got her into a rehab (I had insurance for the first time in 5 years)--and she ran...she never got clean...and I kind of knew it but was so stressed about trying to get her help...she then moved on to her older sisters (unbeknownst to me) as I was just trying to set boundaries and make my job work including crazy behavior...like too many hours, too many solutions and getting more stressed) and then...as I set boundaries...the oldest sister told me what had happened and I shared that I couldn't do it anymore and that I hoped that they were able to set healthy boundaries as both have children under 10 to take care of...and had to leave it there.
I hope that you find help for yourself and that FA helps...I am currently doing naranon f2f (1 meeting in the area)--and some online and sober recovery as if my life depends upon it as it does.
God Bless and know that prayers are going your way...it is all hard...but until they are ready...I can attest that they are not ready...and ultimately with all 3...although I am so much more worried about this one OD'ing...I have learned that the only solution for my addicts was to release in love or go down myself.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Lindale
Posts: 10
Hey Everybody!! Just wanted to give an update and get your opinions on a matter.
My daughter is doing GREAT!! She has made such great progress. She has 10 more days in rehab and then will be coming home!! She is anxious to get back in school and begin her life again - clean!! When she called yesterday, she said she had been elected by all the other patients and techs to lead small group!! She was so excited about that. The techs who work there have really been encouraging her and told her that she has made tremendous progress and a complete turnaround from how she was when she first was admitted.
The psychiatrist at rehab does not want her to come home. She wants her to go to a 6 month rehab that is half way across the country. I have to say that the rehab is affiliated with the rehab she is in now, so I don't know if that is part of the reason she is insisting that my daughter go there or not. I know my daughter needs to continue treatment - my daughter knows this too. We have discussed it. I have checked into treatment options here in the town we live in. There are addictionologists, psychiatrists, IOPs available, group therapy, etc. My daughter also said she would agree to submit to random drug tests at home, etc.
Do you guys think it is a mistake to allow her home and not insist she go to the 6 month program? This is the only major problem we have had with our daughter. She never gave us any trouble during her teen years - never stayed out all night, never got into any kind of trouble, didn't drink, etc. I guess that is why this pill addiction was such a shock. My daughter said that she wants to come home and continue her treatment here. She says she at least deserves a chance to prove to us that she can stay off the pills. I am torn. I want to do what is best for her, but I don't want to enable and/or make a wrong decision.
What do you guys suggest? Do you think the 6 month rehab is a good idea? I did tell my daughter if she comes home and relapses, that she will have to go into a 6 month rehab, no ifs, and/or buts. She agreed to that as well.
My daughter is doing GREAT!! She has made such great progress. She has 10 more days in rehab and then will be coming home!! She is anxious to get back in school and begin her life again - clean!! When she called yesterday, she said she had been elected by all the other patients and techs to lead small group!! She was so excited about that. The techs who work there have really been encouraging her and told her that she has made tremendous progress and a complete turnaround from how she was when she first was admitted.
The psychiatrist at rehab does not want her to come home. She wants her to go to a 6 month rehab that is half way across the country. I have to say that the rehab is affiliated with the rehab she is in now, so I don't know if that is part of the reason she is insisting that my daughter go there or not. I know my daughter needs to continue treatment - my daughter knows this too. We have discussed it. I have checked into treatment options here in the town we live in. There are addictionologists, psychiatrists, IOPs available, group therapy, etc. My daughter also said she would agree to submit to random drug tests at home, etc.
Do you guys think it is a mistake to allow her home and not insist she go to the 6 month program? This is the only major problem we have had with our daughter. She never gave us any trouble during her teen years - never stayed out all night, never got into any kind of trouble, didn't drink, etc. I guess that is why this pill addiction was such a shock. My daughter said that she wants to come home and continue her treatment here. She says she at least deserves a chance to prove to us that she can stay off the pills. I am torn. I want to do what is best for her, but I don't want to enable and/or make a wrong decision.
What do you guys suggest? Do you think the 6 month rehab is a good idea? I did tell my daughter if she comes home and relapses, that she will have to go into a 6 month rehab, no ifs, and/or buts. She agreed to that as well.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
In my opinion, I would have her go to the six month rehab. I believe that addictions take a while to come to a head, and they take a while to cure. Many rehabs are just too short. She is making huge strides and that is great, but she is in a very controlled environment.
Just my opinion. Glad she is doing well, we are here for you no matter what you decide!
Just my opinion. Glad she is doing well, we are here for you no matter what you decide!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
i have done a lot of research and been in support groups and on boards for many years...the longer they can be in rehab seems to be a better thing than coming home...although it is your choice.
In your place...I would select the longer rehab if she is willing. My kids were never willing and after trying and trying...I just found that I had to let go and release in love.
In your place...I would select the longer rehab if she is willing. My kids were never willing and after trying and trying...I just found that I had to let go and release in love.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I am familiar with those calls from rehab.
When he wanted to leave or was desperate because something was a right (the treatment, another person, etc). I told him "you should talk to your caseworker about that." Or...."I can't talk right now, this is for you to figure out."
Basically, I would NOT stay on the phone TRYING to convince him to stay. Either he did or didn't but it was up to him. Up to him to find a way home. Up to him to find a place to stay if he left. My boundary was "I won't come get you. I won't help. I won't give you a place to stay if you leave early."
He did leave early (3 hours away) and he called me up from a payphone.."scared"...a.k.a manipulative. I said "oh well. YOu need to figure out your plan B or go back." He went back and completed the program. Then, after release promptly used.
He is in a 6 month program now....and has not once bailed or attempted.
Don't give into your boundary.
When he wanted to leave or was desperate because something was a right (the treatment, another person, etc). I told him "you should talk to your caseworker about that." Or...."I can't talk right now, this is for you to figure out."
Basically, I would NOT stay on the phone TRYING to convince him to stay. Either he did or didn't but it was up to him. Up to him to find a way home. Up to him to find a place to stay if he left. My boundary was "I won't come get you. I won't help. I won't give you a place to stay if you leave early."
He did leave early (3 hours away) and he called me up from a payphone.."scared"...a.k.a manipulative. I said "oh well. YOu need to figure out your plan B or go back." He went back and completed the program. Then, after release promptly used.
He is in a 6 month program now....and has not once bailed or attempted.
Don't give into your boundary.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: grateful where at
Posts: 52
When my son was in inpatient rehab, I was told by them 30 days is just barely scratching the surface. They are just still detoxing. The next 30 gets to the next level of things going on in their life. Another 30 would be good. Mine did 60 days then 90 days sober living. Now he is living and working about 1 1/2 hours away. Clean 6 months and by the grace of God working the steps to learn to live with the emotions and hurts in life. And how to live life. Listen to the professionals. If 6 months seems to long to her it might be overwhelming. Say 1 month then access with professionals again. She needs accountability to others not her parents. You are too close and won't see the minipulations addicts do.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2010
Posts: 341
Hi Frightened. I'm glad you found support with FA. I attend FA meetings too and they have become a backbone for my recovery. I too have been trying to set boundaries and not enable my AS, who, I assume is a little bit older than your daughter. He is 27 now and all I have done to try to control the outcome of his using has been for naught. He has to want it for himself. He too has recently been in rehab for a couple months, but never really wanted to stop using. If your daughter is a minor, consider that fact that she is there a blessing and do not cave in and you may find she grows stronger for it.
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