Worst night of my life
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 74
Worst night of my life
I'm completely sick. My son tried skipping school today. I found out he skipped yesterday and Friday. He then didn't call or show up this afternoon. Came home on something but drug test which is good said negative. He then had the balls to steal all of my $$ out of my purse!!!! I told him to leave. Probably the worst night of my life. He had a key and sneaked opening the windows before he left. I have a locksmith here now $200. He left with the clothes on his back and a phone and pack of cigs. I'm a mess.
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Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Very sad, njw.
Perhaps jail would be a safer place for him, in light of what he might be doing? not that jail is ever our desire for them, but sometimes, its safer than other places they might go, or things they may do. And besides, he stole from you, and that is a crime. Can you afford to overlook this, for your own peace of mind? does he need a lesson at this young point in his life?
I am sorry. I know this must be gut wrenching for you. I hope you do not take offense, but I just hope for both your sakes that he learns now that his actions have consequences, and he is surely headed down a dangerous road, It appears.
Perhaps jail would be a safer place for him, in light of what he might be doing? not that jail is ever our desire for them, but sometimes, its safer than other places they might go, or things they may do. And besides, he stole from you, and that is a crime. Can you afford to overlook this, for your own peace of mind? does he need a lesson at this young point in his life?
I am sorry. I know this must be gut wrenching for you. I hope you do not take offense, but I just hope for both your sakes that he learns now that his actions have consequences, and he is surely headed down a dangerous road, It appears.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
I've been in your shoes and I feel for you. My daughter gave us an opportunity to assess and improve our home security.
I hope you find a book or movie to distract you. Then again, I've found deep sleep after bawling my eyes out.
I'm keeping you and your son in my thoughts and prayers.
I hope you find a book or movie to distract you. Then again, I've found deep sleep after bawling my eyes out.
I'm keeping you and your son in my thoughts and prayers.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear NJW,
I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain, it's so unfair to us mommas...to anyone really.
You also have ever right to be angry! The stealing from your purse sounds so familiar
to me. You are not alone...don't be alone...
Try to get some rest, at least breathe and shut your eyes for a few minutes.
Take care of yourself, it's a hard thought right now, but keeping your health and energy
up will help in the days coming.
Hugs and prayers and sweet hope coming your way,
TF
I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain, it's so unfair to us mommas...to anyone really.
You also have ever right to be angry! The stealing from your purse sounds so familiar
to me. You are not alone...don't be alone...
Try to get some rest, at least breathe and shut your eyes for a few minutes.
Take care of yourself, it's a hard thought right now, but keeping your health and energy
up will help in the days coming.
Hugs and prayers and sweet hope coming your way,
TF
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
We are here for you. Moments like these you need support. My kids used a lot of synthetic marijuana due to it not showing up in tests.....probation. I ended up finding one online that could detect the common ingredient.....as there are several concoctions they use to make it. It worked the one and only time I used it. For my own sanity , I wanted to prove that I was not crazy to them as they were never high ( right). I won't test again. I have never been wrong with my gut.
Sober since 10th April 2012
Join Date: Apr 2012
Location: Perth, Western Australia
Posts: 6,047
It's just awful for you NJW, but you gave him a chance, and you can't reproach yourself for that. For his sake he needs to experience the reality of his choices.
Hope you got some sleep.
Hope you got some sleep.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: East Coast
Posts: 83
What ever happens, you can look in the mirror and say, you gave him a chance, you tried to work with him. He made decisions to use and steal. And you enforced your end of the agreement, you him, your daughter and you. My T one time told me "everytime you give an A ANYTHING imagine handing him a needle or a pipe....because that's what it will be used for."
Praying for strength for today's journey,
qwer
Praying for strength for today's journey,
qwer
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Njw,
I'm about to play the heavy.
Me to you on 10/21:
I quote myself not as an "I told you so".
I quote myself because you're at the point now where you have to accept that this is who and what he is. You showed him mercy and compassion by allowing him back into your home. And he took that mercy and compassion and threw it back in your face.
He is an addict. This is what addicts do.
It does not matter to him that you're his mother. All you are to him is someone he can use, manipulate, and steal from. And he has done this time, and time, and time again without any remorse whatsoever. Given another opportunity, he'll do that same thing again.
This may have been the worst night of your life. But if you choose to, that night can also be a turning point for you.
Changing the locks is a good thing. I would also consider a RO at this point.
The challenge for you going forward is the same challenge you've faced for some time now, and that's managing your fear. I understand why you're afraid. But the only one that can fix your AS is him. And he doesn't want to do it.
If he doesn't finish high school, that's not your problem. If he chooses to use drugs, that's not your problem. If he's homeless and penniless, that's not your problem. His choices have led him to where he is. And you should no longer have to pay the price for his f**kups. He should.
I strongly encourage you to attend Al Anon meetings if you haven't already done so. These next few days are critical for you, and you'll need in-person support.
I'm really sorry this has happened. But now, you need to take care of you.
I'm about to play the heavy.
Me to you on 10/21:
So if this is the case, then why take him back into your home?
Mind you, I'm not trying to give you a hard time, Njw. But from my vantage point, the only reason why you took him back in is so you could assuage your darkest fears.
If you were to be honest, you'd have to admit that the chances he's going to respect your boundaries are pretty damn low. Not zero, but low.
But this is the call you made. And now, you have to prepare yourself for the very real possibility that you're going to have to ask him to leave. I hope that day doesn't come. But you need to prepare for it. It's not something you can duck.
Mind you, I'm not trying to give you a hard time, Njw. But from my vantage point, the only reason why you took him back in is so you could assuage your darkest fears.
If you were to be honest, you'd have to admit that the chances he's going to respect your boundaries are pretty damn low. Not zero, but low.
But this is the call you made. And now, you have to prepare yourself for the very real possibility that you're going to have to ask him to leave. I hope that day doesn't come. But you need to prepare for it. It's not something you can duck.
I quote myself because you're at the point now where you have to accept that this is who and what he is. You showed him mercy and compassion by allowing him back into your home. And he took that mercy and compassion and threw it back in your face.
He is an addict. This is what addicts do.
It does not matter to him that you're his mother. All you are to him is someone he can use, manipulate, and steal from. And he has done this time, and time, and time again without any remorse whatsoever. Given another opportunity, he'll do that same thing again.
This may have been the worst night of your life. But if you choose to, that night can also be a turning point for you.
Changing the locks is a good thing. I would also consider a RO at this point.
The challenge for you going forward is the same challenge you've faced for some time now, and that's managing your fear. I understand why you're afraid. But the only one that can fix your AS is him. And he doesn't want to do it.
If he doesn't finish high school, that's not your problem. If he chooses to use drugs, that's not your problem. If he's homeless and penniless, that's not your problem. His choices have led him to where he is. And you should no longer have to pay the price for his f**kups. He should.
I strongly encourage you to attend Al Anon meetings if you haven't already done so. These next few days are critical for you, and you'll need in-person support.
I'm really sorry this has happened. But now, you need to take care of you.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2014
Location: Exton pa
Posts: 153
Njw - I am so very sorry....I have been where you are and I know how painful it is but I will tell you this as hard as it sounds.......I wish my daughter was 18 again and I knew what I know now because I would have disengaged back then and done all that I am doing now which is concentrate on myself and my other daughter and given my AD up to God and her choices. Now, 10 years later she is still at the same place, using, living alone and destroying her life. But, and it is bittersweet, at least she is not being permitted by me to take the rest of us down with her. Hardest thing I ever have done but with my 4 months in, best thing I ever have done I kid you not. I will keep you in my prayers.
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Join Date: Dec 2011
Location: Red Bank
Posts: 78
So sorry. I know this is a really hard place to be and only a parent can understand what you are going through.
All you can do is get through this one minute at a time. I will pray for you and your son.
All you can do is get through this one minute at a time. I will pray for you and your son.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Posts: 205
I'm so sorry. I can't imagine the pain of having an addicted child. There are many in my naranon home group. Do you attend Al Anon or Nar Anon? It helps so much. I've had to change my locks and deal with theft due to my addicted ex bf. The theft was incredibly difficult for me, I took it very personally. My therapist explained to me that when an addict needs to use, nothing exists except him and his drug. So whatever he has to do to get his hands on it, he will do. Even stealing from the people who love and care about him the most. We can't take it personally. Easier said than done. Take good care of yourself.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
I understand your feelings...and it is so tough...as the parent of 3 addicts over 19 years...the only thing that worked finally (& I am a doer, a fixer, was a successful business woman when the first daughter got addicted--but couldn't continue working at that kind of job)--the only thing that ever worked was when I let them go.
This one is the hardest...she went no contact herself...I never did that with the previous two...and now they are in their own lives and pressuring me to be well...and to set boundaries...but have no interest in doing any recovery or family support aside from what they want to do...I was closest to this one...and I tried the same kinds of stuff that we were able to get the others to do (they were under age) but nothing worked...so finally, after all the attempts with few or no resources, let it be so.
I am not doing so well...there are lots of life issues and it is very hard. However, it is better than trying to help her when she is not ready (did that over the last year and then several years before that). I finally realized (through my own falling apart) that I cannot help her...she has to decide.
This one is the hardest...she went no contact herself...I never did that with the previous two...and now they are in their own lives and pressuring me to be well...and to set boundaries...but have no interest in doing any recovery or family support aside from what they want to do...I was closest to this one...and I tried the same kinds of stuff that we were able to get the others to do (they were under age) but nothing worked...so finally, after all the attempts with few or no resources, let it be so.
I am not doing so well...there are lots of life issues and it is very hard. However, it is better than trying to help her when she is not ready (did that over the last year and then several years before that). I finally realized (through my own falling apart) that I cannot help her...she has to decide.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 74
Update on my son. He shows up Wednesday wasted. I let him take his clothes and phone charger. Follow him around the house the whole time. His sister has to witness him stumbling around slurring his words. Pathetic. He says he will walk to his friends. It's raining so my daughter drives him. Two hours later I get a FB message from an old gf that lives by the house he was dropped at. She said a girl and guy in their 20s pulls up yelling at him to pay them their money and he gets in the car with them and they speed off. I'm freaking out of course. I drive to the house and ask the kids stupid brother what happened. Of course he knows nothing. Jacobs friend calls me after I leave and tells me the same thing about the car and the yelling. I get a hold of Jacob. He tells me it was just his "ride". Who knows what to believe. He then tries begging me to come home the next day. Said he had a rude awakening. It appears he was at the mall the night before and got caught stealing and was tackled by a security guard and arrested. Not too rude of an awakening when the day I let him come to the house he had apparently stolen two bottles of liquor from a gas station. I told him no of course.
He had an opportunity tonight to meet with me and my boyfriend to discuss things because he says he can't be stable while homeless
He had an opportunity tonight to meet with me and my boyfriend to discuss things because he says he can't be stable while homeless
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 74
[QUOTE="njw1968;4990710"]Update on my son. He shows up Wednesday wasted. I let him take his clothes and phone charger. Follow him around the house the whole time. His sister has to witness him stumbling around slurring his words. Pathetic. He says he will walk to his friends. It's raining so my daughter drives him. Two hours later I get a FB message from an old gf that lives by the house he was dropped at. She said a girl and guy in their 20s pulls up yelling at him to pay them their money and he gets in the car with them and they speed off. I'm freaking out of course. I drive to the house and ask the kids stupid brother what happened. Of course he knows nothing. Jacobs friend calls me after I leave and tells me the same thing about the car and the yelling. I get a hold of Jacob. He tells me it was just his "ride". Who knows what to believe. He then tries begging me to come home the next day. Said he had a rude awakening. It appears he was at the mall the night before and got caught stealing and was tackled by a security guard and arrested. Not too rude of an awakening when the day I let him come to the house he had apparently stolen two bottles of liquor from a gas station. I told him no of course. He had an opportunity tonight to meet with me and my boyfriend to discuss things because he says he can't be stable while homeless
He said he had plans to go out and he wouldn't meet. I was so pissed. Screw it. When he calls begging tomorrow I am saying you had multiple chances. My sister and my father and my ex mother in law think he needs to be at home Well they don't live with this crazy ass rollercoaster every day. My ex says he is going to try to talk to him tomorrow. We will see. I just can't do it.
He said he had plans to go out and he wouldn't meet. I was so pissed. Screw it. When he calls begging tomorrow I am saying you had multiple chances. My sister and my father and my ex mother in law think he needs to be at home Well they don't live with this crazy ass rollercoaster every day. My ex says he is going to try to talk to him tomorrow. We will see. I just can't do it.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, njw1968
Did I read that correctly that he's going to be homeless, you and your boyfriend offered to meet with him tonight to maybe discuss some alternatives to him being homeless and he said he had plans to go out and couldn't meet with you? Maybe I'm not reading that correctly.
If I am, it reminds me of a situation my husband and I just went through last month with my son. He called, seemingly desperate, of course, he was going to be homeless, his wife was kicking him out, he had nowhere to go, he would have to sleep in his car. We wouldn't let him stay with us because we suspected he was lying again, and besides that he's not welcome to stay in our home.
So a lovely friend of ours offered him a nice place to stay, free of charge, and he also had a job he could go back to, a really, really good job. He refused. Bottom line, he wanted money.
You know, if that was me, if I was homeless and someone offered me a free place to stay and something to eat, I would accept the graciousness of the people who were truly trying to help me. But not him. He's a drug addict. His every thought is about his drug addiction.
I've been awake all night thinking back to when my son was younger. He stole from his older brother, stole from some of his friends in school, got into fights, hung out with some kids I didn't approve of, tore up a lot of mailboxes in our neighborhood, and some other things like that. I punished him in what I believed was appropriate measures to the infractions. I was never unfair nor was I cruel to him. I was firm and consistent.
In the past five years he's gone to a 5-day rehab, jail once for four days, a two-year drug court, and continues to decline mentally, morally, and spiritually. He has nothing but the clothes on his back and a car that his father lets him drive. He has a wife and two beautiful children. His disease has progressed to the point to where he's unemployable for more than a couple of months at a time, his kids are being sheltered by the wife's family, and the government feeds his children. None of that is what I planned for my son.
I know what you mean it is a rollercoaster every time you have contact with him. Who cares what your sister, father, and ex mother-in-law think? Yeah, it'd be nice if he was at home where he's supposed to be, but he's not. He wants to live in the streets and with you too; in other words, he wants to keep running the show, staying in charge, dictating how everyone else's day is going to turn out, while expecting everyone around him to continue to support his lifestyle.
That was one of my breaking points - and I say that because I've had several - that I was supporting his lifestyle. It was as if I was giving him a signed sheet of paper saying, "What you're doing is just fine by me and, furthermore, I support you in wrecking your life and mine too." I guess I just got to the point to where it wasn't okay with me anymore.
Nobody can tell me when enough is enough. It's very evident from your post that you're angry. I read somewhere recently that the cycle of addiction will repeat itself with the alcoholic/addict and family, that the family participants will get mad, feel guilty, then start pitying the addict again. And the cycle repeats itself. Of course, the addict isn't feeling anything because they're numb to it all.
I don't even have answers for myself with all of the mess going on around me. Because I have been attending AlAnon meetings regularly and have read and learned quite a bit about my participation in this family disease, I am doing more to protect myself, because at this point that's all I can do. I never ever thought I'd be saying that I have to protect myself from my son. My parents taught me to be cautious of strangers and also taught me tools to survive when a bully was picking on me or when I felt in danger of something or somebody. They didn't tell me that some day I would have a son and I would need to take extreme precautions and measures to protect myself against a child I had nurtured, bathed, fed, clothed, took to church, made sure he got his homework, got him off to school daily, and loved with all my heart. No one told me I'd be faced with this let alone taught me how to deal with it. But my son is the stranger. I almost said I don't know who he is anymore, but that would be a lie. I do know who he is. He's a 37-year-old man who is very ill and I've done all I can do to help him. He might have a shot of not dying in an ally somewhere if everyone around him gets some outside help, I don't know that. It might take him going to jail again, his wife kicking him out for good. I don't know that either.
I'm taking this one day at a time, attending meetings, and praying a lot. I will pray for you and your family.
Did I read that correctly that he's going to be homeless, you and your boyfriend offered to meet with him tonight to maybe discuss some alternatives to him being homeless and he said he had plans to go out and couldn't meet with you? Maybe I'm not reading that correctly.
If I am, it reminds me of a situation my husband and I just went through last month with my son. He called, seemingly desperate, of course, he was going to be homeless, his wife was kicking him out, he had nowhere to go, he would have to sleep in his car. We wouldn't let him stay with us because we suspected he was lying again, and besides that he's not welcome to stay in our home.
So a lovely friend of ours offered him a nice place to stay, free of charge, and he also had a job he could go back to, a really, really good job. He refused. Bottom line, he wanted money.
You know, if that was me, if I was homeless and someone offered me a free place to stay and something to eat, I would accept the graciousness of the people who were truly trying to help me. But not him. He's a drug addict. His every thought is about his drug addiction.
I've been awake all night thinking back to when my son was younger. He stole from his older brother, stole from some of his friends in school, got into fights, hung out with some kids I didn't approve of, tore up a lot of mailboxes in our neighborhood, and some other things like that. I punished him in what I believed was appropriate measures to the infractions. I was never unfair nor was I cruel to him. I was firm and consistent.
In the past five years he's gone to a 5-day rehab, jail once for four days, a two-year drug court, and continues to decline mentally, morally, and spiritually. He has nothing but the clothes on his back and a car that his father lets him drive. He has a wife and two beautiful children. His disease has progressed to the point to where he's unemployable for more than a couple of months at a time, his kids are being sheltered by the wife's family, and the government feeds his children. None of that is what I planned for my son.
I know what you mean it is a rollercoaster every time you have contact with him. Who cares what your sister, father, and ex mother-in-law think? Yeah, it'd be nice if he was at home where he's supposed to be, but he's not. He wants to live in the streets and with you too; in other words, he wants to keep running the show, staying in charge, dictating how everyone else's day is going to turn out, while expecting everyone around him to continue to support his lifestyle.
That was one of my breaking points - and I say that because I've had several - that I was supporting his lifestyle. It was as if I was giving him a signed sheet of paper saying, "What you're doing is just fine by me and, furthermore, I support you in wrecking your life and mine too." I guess I just got to the point to where it wasn't okay with me anymore.
Nobody can tell me when enough is enough. It's very evident from your post that you're angry. I read somewhere recently that the cycle of addiction will repeat itself with the alcoholic/addict and family, that the family participants will get mad, feel guilty, then start pitying the addict again. And the cycle repeats itself. Of course, the addict isn't feeling anything because they're numb to it all.
I don't even have answers for myself with all of the mess going on around me. Because I have been attending AlAnon meetings regularly and have read and learned quite a bit about my participation in this family disease, I am doing more to protect myself, because at this point that's all I can do. I never ever thought I'd be saying that I have to protect myself from my son. My parents taught me to be cautious of strangers and also taught me tools to survive when a bully was picking on me or when I felt in danger of something or somebody. They didn't tell me that some day I would have a son and I would need to take extreme precautions and measures to protect myself against a child I had nurtured, bathed, fed, clothed, took to church, made sure he got his homework, got him off to school daily, and loved with all my heart. No one told me I'd be faced with this let alone taught me how to deal with it. But my son is the stranger. I almost said I don't know who he is anymore, but that would be a lie. I do know who he is. He's a 37-year-old man who is very ill and I've done all I can do to help him. He might have a shot of not dying in an ally somewhere if everyone around him gets some outside help, I don't know that. It might take him going to jail again, his wife kicking him out for good. I don't know that either.
I'm taking this one day at a time, attending meetings, and praying a lot. I will pray for you and your family.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
My sister and my father and my ex mother in law think he needs to be at home
Wrong answer. But this is one of those instances where allowing someone to be wrong is the smart play.
Remember: you know exactly what you're dealing with. When your son's lips are moving, he's lying. And he will attempt to manipulate you by using your darkest fears against you. That's his play.
The other thing to be on guard against is suicidal ideation. My guess is when you shoot him down about coming back to the house, he'll use suicide threats as his trump card. If he does this, don't play games: call 911 and let the police deal with it.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 74
Djlook, that really hit home for me. Such hone to words from you It was like being thrown into the future. It's what I pray every night will not happen to my son. Seems that it is heading that direction though. Today is the day of the decision. Sunday. He will contact me and try coming home. My heart will be ripped in two again. Thank you again.
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