His 90th Day
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
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His 90th Day
My phone alert that I set, oh, three months ago told me that today is X's 90th day at his inpatient treatment facility.
I haven't seen nor spoken with him in a few weeks. As far as I know he is on a 30-day blackout period after getting caught with a cell phone. Not sure when that started.
My heart is still broken, and my heart breaks for him.
It sucks to know that he has been there 90 days and isn't ready to be released. But I know what he needs is greater than what I can provide (treatment and counseling). I don't want to have any expectations on his timeline, because his counselor told me when I first met with him that they would keep him as long as he needed, as long as he is doing his work.
It sucks that he/we got to a point that his family is saying they wish we never had gotten together.
It sucks that I might never have him back in my life again.
It sucks that I was alone again on my birthday. But some of my coworkers took me out to lunch, I had a nice dinner with my parents and brother, and some Happy Birthdays from other family and friends.
At least I haven't been crying at night the past few nights. Progress, no?
I haven't seen nor spoken with him in a few weeks. As far as I know he is on a 30-day blackout period after getting caught with a cell phone. Not sure when that started.
My heart is still broken, and my heart breaks for him.
It sucks to know that he has been there 90 days and isn't ready to be released. But I know what he needs is greater than what I can provide (treatment and counseling). I don't want to have any expectations on his timeline, because his counselor told me when I first met with him that they would keep him as long as he needed, as long as he is doing his work.
It sucks that he/we got to a point that his family is saying they wish we never had gotten together.
It sucks that I might never have him back in my life again.
It sucks that I was alone again on my birthday. But some of my coworkers took me out to lunch, I had a nice dinner with my parents and brother, and some Happy Birthdays from other family and friends.
At least I haven't been crying at night the past few nights. Progress, no?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Alaska
Posts: 223
Zoso,
I'm not sure I will be able to answer your question in a way that you won't be able to pick apart.
Underneath it all, X is great. (Yes. They all are, aren't they?) Maybe it was first love. Maybe it was more. Maybe it was nothing. I hope it wasn't. I still hold on to the maybe that could be he is receptive and completes treatment successfully, and someday (seriously, not like tomorrow) we can try again.
I was happy he was in my life. I still am. I don't regret anything. He pushed me at work, he pushed me in life. He was supportive of me and my job, my friends, my life. He made me laugh, smile, cry. He was able to read me, and wasn't afraid to call me on my BS. He's a family guy. He's got the biggest heart (although sometimes too big, like mine.)
And I feel like I "unpacked" my radar out of my Life Kit. And maybe I just didn't need it before I met him. Becuase now I'm able to know and see things that show me what's really happening, instead of what I'm being told. (Even if that's seeing who he is right now). Maybe if nothing else, I can be grateful he helped me unpack.
His brother-in-law spoke with him a few days ago. I guess he's not on blackout. He asked X, So what's with you and Aurora? X's reply was how I don't even want to talk to him and I'm not being supportive. Quack.
I don't think I can do NC. I haven't been reaching out to him, but I can't call him. And I couldn't support him sneaking in the phone, so that's why I didn't call or text. He has my number. (Well, really he's probably forgotten it because it's a new one that's not long distance.) But it's like he's saying to everyone, "Hey I'm here right? See me doing this? Look at me rehabbing!" But I can't feel his heart in it.
I can see why he did what he did. I'm a great girlfriend, but an even better enabler. And honestly, if I were him? I wouldn't have done it any differently. Because he kept up his double life for a long time. To protect himself and his addiction.
I just wish I had't been caught in the crossfire.
If I SEE (not hear from his mouth) an effort, then I feel like I can be supportive. But if he's messing around and sneaking around, why should I put in effort if it's not reaching him?? Is that me expecting too much? Is it just wishful thinking?
I can hear you now, Zoso.
It always feel like my instinct is wrong, so when do I start trusting that it's right again?
I'm going to stop before I keep contradicting what I'm saying. Thanks, SR, for beging somewhere to catch my ramblings.
I'm not sure I will be able to answer your question in a way that you won't be able to pick apart.
Underneath it all, X is great. (Yes. They all are, aren't they?) Maybe it was first love. Maybe it was more. Maybe it was nothing. I hope it wasn't. I still hold on to the maybe that could be he is receptive and completes treatment successfully, and someday (seriously, not like tomorrow) we can try again.
I was happy he was in my life. I still am. I don't regret anything. He pushed me at work, he pushed me in life. He was supportive of me and my job, my friends, my life. He made me laugh, smile, cry. He was able to read me, and wasn't afraid to call me on my BS. He's a family guy. He's got the biggest heart (although sometimes too big, like mine.)
And I feel like I "unpacked" my radar out of my Life Kit. And maybe I just didn't need it before I met him. Becuase now I'm able to know and see things that show me what's really happening, instead of what I'm being told. (Even if that's seeing who he is right now). Maybe if nothing else, I can be grateful he helped me unpack.
His brother-in-law spoke with him a few days ago. I guess he's not on blackout. He asked X, So what's with you and Aurora? X's reply was how I don't even want to talk to him and I'm not being supportive. Quack.
I don't think I can do NC. I haven't been reaching out to him, but I can't call him. And I couldn't support him sneaking in the phone, so that's why I didn't call or text. He has my number. (Well, really he's probably forgotten it because it's a new one that's not long distance.) But it's like he's saying to everyone, "Hey I'm here right? See me doing this? Look at me rehabbing!" But I can't feel his heart in it.
I can see why he did what he did. I'm a great girlfriend, but an even better enabler. And honestly, if I were him? I wouldn't have done it any differently. Because he kept up his double life for a long time. To protect himself and his addiction.
I just wish I had't been caught in the crossfire.
If I SEE (not hear from his mouth) an effort, then I feel like I can be supportive. But if he's messing around and sneaking around, why should I put in effort if it's not reaching him?? Is that me expecting too much? Is it just wishful thinking?
I can hear you now, Zoso.
It always feel like my instinct is wrong, so when do I start trusting that it's right again?
I'm going to stop before I keep contradicting what I'm saying. Thanks, SR, for beging somewhere to catch my ramblings.
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Aurora,
My goal is not, and never has been, to "pick you apart". What it has been is to get you to listen to yourself.
At the end of the day, it does not matter how much you love someone, or how much someone loves you. If you don't share the same values, the same morals, that relationship will not work.
There was someone in my life before my AXGF. And when that ended, it was devastating. Just incredibly devastating. But when I look back at it now, 4 years clear, I look at her with different eyes. Yes, my love for her is still there. But it doesn't matter how together someone is say...in her case, academically or professionally. She has some serious, serious holes in her character. Holes that she's not even remotely aware of. And although I'm pretty sure she's not happy about this, I've iced her because I can't afford to have people like that in my life.
When you go through some sort of trauma like I have (long story, one I won't discuss publicly) and you come out the other side, you tend to look around and see who's still with you. In my case, everyone who was in my life before this trauma was still there after I got through it. Everyone except her. So on the one hand, I was incredibly thankful that my circle of friends was intact. But it also made me realize that you have to be careful of who you give your heart to. And since I've figured this out, I've put a thousand foot wall between me and this girl. I've had to.
Whatever your AXBF meant to you, or still means to you, it does not change the fact if he was in your life, he would potentially destroy you. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they have license to take your heart, put it in a blender, and hit Frappe!! This is what he's done to you, and while I don't know you from a hole in the wall, I do not want to see you hurt anymore by the likes of him.
He will not change.
Your feelings are powerful, and I both understand and empathize with that. But they're only feelings. They will not kill us. They will just make us uncomfortable, sometimes brutally so. But we did not enter this world with a guarantee that we would never face hardship or heartache.
It's how we deal with hardship and heartache that defines us.
I can't stop you from having contact with him. Nor do I want to. But what I want you to do is start using your brain. Allow yourself to know what you know. And what you know is your AXBF is a f**king a$$hole on top of being an addict. Love him all you want for the rest of your days. But don't give him carte blanche to mess with your head or your heart.
Z
My goal is not, and never has been, to "pick you apart". What it has been is to get you to listen to yourself.
At the end of the day, it does not matter how much you love someone, or how much someone loves you. If you don't share the same values, the same morals, that relationship will not work.
There was someone in my life before my AXGF. And when that ended, it was devastating. Just incredibly devastating. But when I look back at it now, 4 years clear, I look at her with different eyes. Yes, my love for her is still there. But it doesn't matter how together someone is say...in her case, academically or professionally. She has some serious, serious holes in her character. Holes that she's not even remotely aware of. And although I'm pretty sure she's not happy about this, I've iced her because I can't afford to have people like that in my life.
When you go through some sort of trauma like I have (long story, one I won't discuss publicly) and you come out the other side, you tend to look around and see who's still with you. In my case, everyone who was in my life before this trauma was still there after I got through it. Everyone except her. So on the one hand, I was incredibly thankful that my circle of friends was intact. But it also made me realize that you have to be careful of who you give your heart to. And since I've figured this out, I've put a thousand foot wall between me and this girl. I've had to.
Whatever your AXBF meant to you, or still means to you, it does not change the fact if he was in your life, he would potentially destroy you. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you should be with them. Just because you love someone doesn't mean they have license to take your heart, put it in a blender, and hit Frappe!! This is what he's done to you, and while I don't know you from a hole in the wall, I do not want to see you hurt anymore by the likes of him.
He will not change.
Your feelings are powerful, and I both understand and empathize with that. But they're only feelings. They will not kill us. They will just make us uncomfortable, sometimes brutally so. But we did not enter this world with a guarantee that we would never face hardship or heartache.
It's how we deal with hardship and heartache that defines us.
I can't stop you from having contact with him. Nor do I want to. But what I want you to do is start using your brain. Allow yourself to know what you know. And what you know is your AXBF is a f**king a$$hole on top of being an addict. Love him all you want for the rest of your days. But don't give him carte blanche to mess with your head or your heart.
Z
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