njw1968

So my son is home. He came home yesterday. He rang the doorbell I told him I was drug testing him first and shut the door on him until I got the test. He came in and took it. Everything negative except pot. I typed up an agreement stating curfew, NA meetings twice a week, NO DRUGS OR ALCOHOL. Get a job. Counseling once a week. NO STEALING. Also to pay mad back the $120 he stole. Now I have to stick to it. He agreed but that's always easy for him to do. He said he's never going back to his dads ever since his step mom hit him in the head. That completely screws me. I CANNOT take him full time. He doesn't have a car so I guarantee he will use that as his excuse to not get to work if he gets a job, not get to meetings, and not make it home on time when out. I cannot even afford a cheap car and he sure as heck can't. I feel like I'm just waiting for the other shoe to drop.

Wishful04

Can he not take public transit?

Txhelp

You both agreed to the agreement. Follow through on your end if he doesn't follow through on his. I felt better when I typed up and gave resources in the community before I kicked my kids out. Shelters, rehabs, social services. They are very resourceful.......very.

KariSue

From this and your other post I can't determine how old he is? Is he a minor? I thought he was in high school. If so, is it legal to just lock him out if he doesn't stick with his agreement?

Kari

zoso77

So if this is the case, then why take him back into your home?

Mind you, I'm not trying to give you a hard time, Njw. But from my vantage point, the only reason why you took him back in is so you could assuage your darkest fears.

If you were to be honest, you'd have to admit that the chances he's going to respect your boundaries are pretty damn low. Not zero, but low.

But this is the call you made. And now, you have to prepare yourself for the very real possibility that you're going to have to ask him to leave. I hope that day doesn't come. But you need to prepare for it. It's not something you can duck.

FeelingGreat

njw, are you willing to kick him out the first time he steps over the line? Also, continuing drug tests sounds like a good idea. Until he gets a job I suggest he does work around the house for you so he knows he's not getting a free ride, and it will take some pressure off you.

Honestly, I think he'll fail, but at least you can say you gave him a chance.

njw1968

No we don't have buses out here.

njw1968

He turned 18 in September. He is a senior.

vaya

I would be careful about reacting too impulsively with the agreement. Sometimes when we act off guard or emotionally, we tend to go overboard. Perhaps you may want to stop and reflect on what your real bottom line is here. If he goes to school, where does that factor in? (regular attendance, decent/good grades, graduation) It sounds like you are asking a lot at once without any time frames involved. I don't see how an 18 year old could go to school full time, meetings, counseling, and get a job...and by when? I know when I had to decide on bottom lines for my AS, who is a little older, I limited it to 3 or so basics, like no drugs, work or school ( ie being productive), and no acting out or disruptive behavior. ( Counseling was at one time something, but with no real insurance or significant income, going through the county goes very slowly and months really do go by before you even get to meet with a counselor and a doctor.)

Also, as you do work things out, perhaps you may want to pick the 1, 2, or 3 most critical things at this time that is also realistic for him to achieve and define which if any have timelines. If we set impossible expectations, people will surely fail.

Is some sort of counseling available at school? I'm sure he will need help finding counseling on his own.

I've been through this, but I didn't stick to my end of the agreement until recently, when management also threatened to evict me and then he had to go. He was 27 then, so it was a little different.

I've learned through my home group that it's really about setting boundaries, more than controlling another's behavior. We have to decide what we can and can't live with in our home and bottom line that.

Hope this helps.

qwer1234

I agree with this. Stay clean. Be productive (school or work)...what about a GED? Follow house rules.

I also understand the stress of single parenting. My xH is an alcoholic (sober now but 1/2 country away) and I've been doing this for 10 years...it takes it toll on a person. In the midst of this remember yourself and your daughter.

qwer

irisgardens

good advice about limiting the bottom lines to 2-3 critical things...and keeping it very simple. this is what we were advised when going through our previous AD when she was almost 18 -- 10 years ago...and we worked it out very carefully. i am glad we put the bottom lines simply because she was not at the space where she was willing or able to hold them...and she ended up leaving our home...after graduation...but she did graduate...our bottom line was to stay sober as I had been advised by a doctor to keep it so so simple because in the midst of all the addiction and rehabs and everything in the previous years...it was our final try before she turned 18. It didn't work then...but we did carry out the bottom line...she had stolen $10,000 and we had agreed to forgive it if she could stay sober ... she couldn't ... it was only 3 weeks to her 18th birthday and we ended up finding she had a dirty pee test (we hadn't been able to catch her before that) and so we reported her for grand felony theft as our last ditch effort to get her to reconsider her life direction...ultimately her HP helped her (& so did I in writing up what we had done to try to help her)--she was treated as a juvenile which was easier than the adult court we feared...and she is now (10 years later) finished with college, supporting her twin daughters who are 9 and has a boyfriend)--several of the behaviors that were there as an addict are still there...and it is not easy...but to know that she is living a productive life and a wonderful mother makes me happy that we did what we did. We currently have an adult active addict (5 years) and we have had to dig deeper into tough love and our own recovery work with this one...and it is very hard...but working my program as if my life depends upon it because it does.