Parent seeking advice
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Join Date: Jun 2013
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Parent seeking advice
I am new to this forum and posted this in the Newcomer to Recovery forum. It was suggested I post it here, which is too logical!
My adult son is an oxi addict and lives in NYC, 400 miles away from us. He currently has a good job but is struggling with his addiction. He has managed to alienate himself from all his friends, he's almost maxed out his credit card, recently got kicked out by his room mates and now lives in a place he hates. He was with a therapist for some 4 months, unfortunately the therapist took a job in another state. My son has been taking Vivitrol on and off to fight this addiction. The problem is, however, when it is time for the next shot he can't seem to make the appointment and relapses.
He tells us he wants to stop. This past weekend he attempted his 3rd detox (alone in NYC) in hopes of being able to get his shot this week, but he failed last night.
My wife and I love our son dearly and we are struggling to find a program to help ourselves and him. We purchased health insurance but so far it has done little to help him get into recovery. We've been to Na_Anon, and seen a counselor. Both of us can't accept the advice we keep getting to practice tough love. We feel that our love for him and his for us that has so far kept him from going over the edge, but the edge seems to be getting nearer daily. We are now looking into SmartRecovery which seems to emphasize the family is in intricate part to recovery. We are also now reading the book Beyond Addiction which seems to have a lot of good advice. We are trying not to enable his behavior/addiction other than letting him know we will finance his recovery by professionals and letting him know we are always available when he need to talk and get support. Still SmartRecovery is a bit odd to us and we are finding it hard to understand and put into use. Is this normal? I would really love to hear from some of you that were as baffled as us. Thanks.
My adult son is an oxi addict and lives in NYC, 400 miles away from us. He currently has a good job but is struggling with his addiction. He has managed to alienate himself from all his friends, he's almost maxed out his credit card, recently got kicked out by his room mates and now lives in a place he hates. He was with a therapist for some 4 months, unfortunately the therapist took a job in another state. My son has been taking Vivitrol on and off to fight this addiction. The problem is, however, when it is time for the next shot he can't seem to make the appointment and relapses.
He tells us he wants to stop. This past weekend he attempted his 3rd detox (alone in NYC) in hopes of being able to get his shot this week, but he failed last night.
My wife and I love our son dearly and we are struggling to find a program to help ourselves and him. We purchased health insurance but so far it has done little to help him get into recovery. We've been to Na_Anon, and seen a counselor. Both of us can't accept the advice we keep getting to practice tough love. We feel that our love for him and his for us that has so far kept him from going over the edge, but the edge seems to be getting nearer daily. We are now looking into SmartRecovery which seems to emphasize the family is in intricate part to recovery. We are also now reading the book Beyond Addiction which seems to have a lot of good advice. We are trying not to enable his behavior/addiction other than letting him know we will finance his recovery by professionals and letting him know we are always available when he need to talk and get support. Still SmartRecovery is a bit odd to us and we are finding it hard to understand and put into use. Is this normal? I would really love to hear from some of you that were as baffled as us. Thanks.
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Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Nashville, Tennessee
Posts: 348
Hello, Buckown
This is my experience and I speak only for myself. My son is 37 and has an addiction to pain pills. I found that part of his manipulation of me was to say he wanted to stop. My son has been to rehab once, drug court for two years, and detox once that I know of, so he is well aware of what it takes to get clean but refuses to do so.
My son just last week lost another good job. My husband and I have cut off all financial support. I can identify when you say you and your wife cannot accept the advice you're getting to practice tough love, man, do I ever. Although I've been attending AlAnon for a year, it was suggested that I give him no money whatsoever. So just last month my husband and I gave him a month's free rent in a motel room and quite a large sum of money until he got a couple of paychecks. He told us he'd been off drugs for eight months and we believed him this time. He went back to the same people, the same places, and did the same things. The money's gone, the job's gone, and he sincerely believes he's clean because he's found another chemical he can get legally that's keeping him off the painkillers. My son knows we're here and that we love him. He's gone the suboxone route, the methadone route, and now this new over-the-counter stuff, but he's still not clean. When a person's in recovery their behaviors change, and he hasn't changed. He continues to lie to himself and others about his disease.
I don't know anything about SmartRocovery. There are others here on this board who do. There will be lots of parents who will be on here soon who will share their experience, strength, and hope with you.
I just wanted to respond and let you know this is a good site. As I said, I attend AlAnon meetings and they've helped me a lot.
This is my experience and I speak only for myself. My son is 37 and has an addiction to pain pills. I found that part of his manipulation of me was to say he wanted to stop. My son has been to rehab once, drug court for two years, and detox once that I know of, so he is well aware of what it takes to get clean but refuses to do so.
My son just last week lost another good job. My husband and I have cut off all financial support. I can identify when you say you and your wife cannot accept the advice you're getting to practice tough love, man, do I ever. Although I've been attending AlAnon for a year, it was suggested that I give him no money whatsoever. So just last month my husband and I gave him a month's free rent in a motel room and quite a large sum of money until he got a couple of paychecks. He told us he'd been off drugs for eight months and we believed him this time. He went back to the same people, the same places, and did the same things. The money's gone, the job's gone, and he sincerely believes he's clean because he's found another chemical he can get legally that's keeping him off the painkillers. My son knows we're here and that we love him. He's gone the suboxone route, the methadone route, and now this new over-the-counter stuff, but he's still not clean. When a person's in recovery their behaviors change, and he hasn't changed. He continues to lie to himself and others about his disease.
I don't know anything about SmartRocovery. There are others here on this board who do. There will be lots of parents who will be on here soon who will share their experience, strength, and hope with you.
I just wanted to respond and let you know this is a good site. As I said, I attend AlAnon meetings and they've helped me a lot.
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Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by buckowen 
Both of us can't accept the advice we keep getting to practice tough love. .... We are trying not to enable his behavior/addiction other than letting him know we will finance his recovery by professionals and letting him know we are always available when he need to talk and get support.
I never considered practicing tough love on my daughter. It was something I had to practice on myself. Enabling is so much like addiction, in that it temporarily relieves at first, before becoming a habit and dependency that sucks the oxygen out of lives.
Please know that your son is smart and resourceful enough to do what's necessary when/if he's ready. It took my 26 year old daughter (IV opiates) 4 years of hell to find recovery for the last 4 years. Thankfully she lived through it all. Not all do.
I will share that she has mentioned more than once, that she began recovering when I stopped attempting to push and manipulate recovery. The more I pushed, the more she turned away.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
[QUOTE=buckowen;4965841]I am new to this forum and posted this in the Newcomer to Recovery forum. It was suggested I post it here, which is too logical!
Hello and welcome to you. Glad you have found the forum, read, and read some more, there is excellent advise here.
The problem is, however, when it is time for the next shot he can't seem to make the appointment and relapses.
This makes me question just how badly he wants to stop. If he cannot even make an appointment for himself, how is he going to fight every single day for the rest of his life against this addiction? It's a huge commitment.
He tells us he wants to stop. This past weekend he attempted his 3rd detox (alone in NYC) in hopes of being able to get his shot this week, but he failed last night.
This part scares me. It is dangerous to detox alone.
My wife and I love our son dearly and we are struggling to find a program to help ourselves and him. We purchased health insurance but so far it has done little to help him get into recovery.
There is no question you love him or you would not be here. I am so truly sorry you are struggling. Have you thought about making him do the work to find a program? The more vested he is in his own recovery, the more chance at success he has. There are good programs out there, but one has to do the leg work. That should be his leg work.
I wish you all the best. I don't say any of this callously at all. I cannot even imagine the hurt and anxiety this is causing you.
Hello and welcome to you. Glad you have found the forum, read, and read some more, there is excellent advise here.
The problem is, however, when it is time for the next shot he can't seem to make the appointment and relapses.
This makes me question just how badly he wants to stop. If he cannot even make an appointment for himself, how is he going to fight every single day for the rest of his life against this addiction? It's a huge commitment.
He tells us he wants to stop. This past weekend he attempted his 3rd detox (alone in NYC) in hopes of being able to get his shot this week, but he failed last night.
This part scares me. It is dangerous to detox alone.
My wife and I love our son dearly and we are struggling to find a program to help ourselves and him. We purchased health insurance but so far it has done little to help him get into recovery.
There is no question you love him or you would not be here. I am so truly sorry you are struggling. Have you thought about making him do the work to find a program? The more vested he is in his own recovery, the more chance at success he has. There are good programs out there, but one has to do the leg work. That should be his leg work.
I wish you all the best. I don't say any of this callously at all. I cannot even imagine the hurt and anxiety this is causing you.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Buck,
I am sorry for your struggles with your son. Addiction is a horrible thing and we are all here because we love an addict. I know that you want to help your son as all of us here want to help our addict. But you will realize reading the friends and family forums and the Alcoholic forums, is only and when the addict is ready to seek sobriety will he do so.
What you want for him doesn't even matter in the equation.
What you have been doing to help him, is not working. Once an addict hits rock bottom he will seek help and only when he hits rock bottom. You and your family have nothing to do with that.
In my opinion you are hitting your head against a brick wall so many times and expecting a different outcome. Why don't you try something different. Work your program and let your son work his own. When he doesn't have you around to cry to and enable him, he will finally hit rock bottom. It might not be pretty and might never happen, but what you have been doing is not really working.
Read and keep reading posts from family members and spouses of addicts. We all come in wanting to 'help" our addict. The best thing we can do for them is NOTHING!!!!
I know that it is not what you want to hear, but I am sorry to say you need to take care of yourself. You need to work your own program. Once the addict sees you changing there might be a "little" chance that he might change. Once you realize that and see all the hundreds and hundreds of people here who have tried to work a program for their addict, it wont work.
Good luck, go to alanon meetings, open aa meetins keep reading everything on SR and pray. This is only my perspective of a wife of 34 years of an addict, let me tell you I have tried everything and then some.
I am sorry for your struggles with your son. Addiction is a horrible thing and we are all here because we love an addict. I know that you want to help your son as all of us here want to help our addict. But you will realize reading the friends and family forums and the Alcoholic forums, is only and when the addict is ready to seek sobriety will he do so.
What you want for him doesn't even matter in the equation.
What you have been doing to help him, is not working. Once an addict hits rock bottom he will seek help and only when he hits rock bottom. You and your family have nothing to do with that.
In my opinion you are hitting your head against a brick wall so many times and expecting a different outcome. Why don't you try something different. Work your program and let your son work his own. When he doesn't have you around to cry to and enable him, he will finally hit rock bottom. It might not be pretty and might never happen, but what you have been doing is not really working.
Read and keep reading posts from family members and spouses of addicts. We all come in wanting to 'help" our addict. The best thing we can do for them is NOTHING!!!!
I know that it is not what you want to hear, but I am sorry to say you need to take care of yourself. You need to work your own program. Once the addict sees you changing there might be a "little" chance that he might change. Once you realize that and see all the hundreds and hundreds of people here who have tried to work a program for their addict, it wont work.
Good luck, go to alanon meetings, open aa meetins keep reading everything on SR and pray. This is only my perspective of a wife of 34 years of an addict, let me tell you I have tried everything and then some.
Member
Join Date: Oct 2014
Location: Florida
Posts: 6
This seems like a difficult situation for you. In my experience, I had to remove myself completely from my environment in order to start my path to sobriety. I had tried many times unsuccessfully to stop using on my own while keeping my job and daily routine. I believe that short term fixes such as vivitrol or suboxone are just a mask for the real underlying issues that lead to addiction.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Welcome, Buckowen. Addiction is baffling indeed. My AS is almost 30, and his family has been trying to work his recovery for him for 15 years.
I think maybe this time I have it in my head that true love is letting him live his life without placing any expectations on him. Paying his back rent, his back debts, his back child support, buying him a new car, paying for his moves across country, etc. etc. is enabling. Even typing all we've done to cushion him from the results of his own addictions and refusal to get mental health treatment makes me cringe and feel so embarrassed.
Offering financial help with treatment when he is ready seems loving, not enabling. It's so hard to tease out the difference.
With compassion,
Peaceandgrace
I think maybe this time I have it in my head that true love is letting him live his life without placing any expectations on him. Paying his back rent, his back debts, his back child support, buying him a new car, paying for his moves across country, etc. etc. is enabling. Even typing all we've done to cushion him from the results of his own addictions and refusal to get mental health treatment makes me cringe and feel so embarrassed.
Offering financial help with treatment when he is ready seems loving, not enabling. It's so hard to tease out the difference.
With compassion,
Peaceandgrace
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Buck- I read this on the alcoholism site here. I thought of you that it might help...
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...
Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...
The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...
I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...
I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.
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