Breaking up with a recovering addict?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 16
Breaking up with a recovering addict?
Hello
I have posted on here when things were at their worst with my addict fiance and the understanding and emotional support I found were so overwhelming and gave me so much strength that I find myself here again!
I have been with my fiancé for 3 years. 2.5 of them have been a roller coaster of relapse on relapse on relapse. Finally when he was shooting up 4-5 times a day and was away for a weekend I was ready to leave. Had it all set up. Told his mother everything. So when he came home his parents told him you have two weeks to find a place and sell your car and move out. It was heart breaking to watch. He's a good guy with a heart of gold but a big problem.
Over the course of our relationship my sex drive has just disappeared. I've had to emotionally detach from him so many times . And he relapses then gets clean but before my feelings can build back up he would relapse again. Sex feels like a chore :/
So anyway it's been about a month now and his mom is handling his finances and he has bed. Going to meetings multiple times a week. He is 23 days clean and I'm proud of him he's doijg everything he can to work on his sobriety , but I'm realizing that I love him but I'm just not in love with him anymore. I don't foresee the feelings coming back and I think I am ready to move on.
How do I do that though? How do you break up with someone in recovery? How do you tell someone that fragile that you are going to crush them? I'm scared but I know it's what I need to do :/
I have posted on here when things were at their worst with my addict fiance and the understanding and emotional support I found were so overwhelming and gave me so much strength that I find myself here again!
I have been with my fiancé for 3 years. 2.5 of them have been a roller coaster of relapse on relapse on relapse. Finally when he was shooting up 4-5 times a day and was away for a weekend I was ready to leave. Had it all set up. Told his mother everything. So when he came home his parents told him you have two weeks to find a place and sell your car and move out. It was heart breaking to watch. He's a good guy with a heart of gold but a big problem.
Over the course of our relationship my sex drive has just disappeared. I've had to emotionally detach from him so many times . And he relapses then gets clean but before my feelings can build back up he would relapse again. Sex feels like a chore :/
So anyway it's been about a month now and his mom is handling his finances and he has bed. Going to meetings multiple times a week. He is 23 days clean and I'm proud of him he's doijg everything he can to work on his sobriety , but I'm realizing that I love him but I'm just not in love with him anymore. I don't foresee the feelings coming back and I think I am ready to move on.
How do I do that though? How do you break up with someone in recovery? How do you tell someone that fragile that you are going to crush them? I'm scared but I know it's what I need to do :/
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Join Date: Jan 2012
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Lostgirl...
It's important to point out that 23 days of clean time is not equivalent to "recovery". Recovery is not only abstinence from using drugs, but it's becoming a responsible, accountable adult. Your fiancé is not anywhere close to that point yet.
With that being said, I don't have any advice save to simply do what you need to do. Whatever happens happens. It will suck for both of you, but if that's what you feel, then you need to pull that trigger.
Be prepared for the worst. Be prepared for anger and suicidal ideation on his end. If he plays the suicide card, no games; call 911.
Keep us posted.
It's important to point out that 23 days of clean time is not equivalent to "recovery". Recovery is not only abstinence from using drugs, but it's becoming a responsible, accountable adult. Your fiancé is not anywhere close to that point yet.
With that being said, I don't have any advice save to simply do what you need to do. Whatever happens happens. It will suck for both of you, but if that's what you feel, then you need to pull that trigger.
Be prepared for the worst. Be prepared for anger and suicidal ideation on his end. If he plays the suicide card, no games; call 911.
Keep us posted.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 79
I'm feeling the exact same way right now. The more distance the more I'm seeing I'm happier without the roller coaster of emotions. You need to tell him tho. And in the future you may meet again and be able to start a relationship. But he is working on his recovery and life and that deserves 100% and you need to focus on yourself and what makes u happy 100 %. Doesn't mean your story is over but this chapter is done. He deserves honesty just as much as you do
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Join Date: Aug 2014
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Zoso, thank you and yeah I think that's a lot of what makes it scary. And I know 23 days isn't big , and I hate admitting that there is always that voice in the back of my mind saying "when he relapses again..." But I guess it's just hard to know I'll come off as you're doing great so far but I'm still done with you sorryyy...
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
He has a LOT of work to do on himself to stay sober. It's a very selfish disease.
You should also work a program with him or without him. This will come back and haunt you if you don't get help now for what he has put you threw. I do think think you really need to make any decisions right now. Work your recovery, let him work his and see where you land. You need to get stronger before you are ready to cut off an addiict. They are not easy to get rid of. Good luck.
You should also work a program with him or without him. This will come back and haunt you if you don't get help now for what he has put you threw. I do think think you really need to make any decisions right now. Work your recovery, let him work his and see where you land. You need to get stronger before you are ready to cut off an addiict. They are not easy to get rid of. Good luck.
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Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Cleveland, ohio
Posts: 49
Listgirl I'm kinda in the same boat. My fiance who is also my daughter's father was clean over a year. We got engaged but all deposits on everything and I even have my dress. Then He Relapsed So many emotions....We are still Together As Of Today But I know We cant Get married At least not In 8 months! I'm nervous to tell him but he needs to know. I have been so close to giving up on him so it's a day by day thing...I'm trying to be positive and realistic and the same time.
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 16
Engaged,
I totally feel you. We haven't even set a date yet. But what you said , day by day, is exactly how I describe it all the time "I'm taking it day by day". But how long can we do that ? :/ I've told him not as an ultimatum but that everytime he relapses it sets us back because I csnt plan a future around that :/
Haven't broken it off yet but we had a talk a couple days ago when he was in a random insightful mood he brought up he knows how it must be. And that it's hard to talk about because he nor I ever know how he will react. So I took the opportunity to tell him that while he was using I was growing as a person alone and that now he is growing in recovery and that's great, but we may not be growing in the same direction.. And that everytime hed relapse I would emotionally detach and before I could regain my feelings hed relapse again and that at this point I don't know if they will come back. He said he understood but we kind of left it at that :/ ughhh
I totally feel you. We haven't even set a date yet. But what you said , day by day, is exactly how I describe it all the time "I'm taking it day by day". But how long can we do that ? :/ I've told him not as an ultimatum but that everytime he relapses it sets us back because I csnt plan a future around that :/
Haven't broken it off yet but we had a talk a couple days ago when he was in a random insightful mood he brought up he knows how it must be. And that it's hard to talk about because he nor I ever know how he will react. So I took the opportunity to tell him that while he was using I was growing as a person alone and that now he is growing in recovery and that's great, but we may not be growing in the same direction.. And that everytime hed relapse I would emotionally detach and before I could regain my feelings hed relapse again and that at this point I don't know if they will come back. He said he understood but we kind of left it at that :/ ughhh
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Join Date: Jul 2011
Location: hot as heck, az
Posts: 142
I have been absent from this forum since 2011. I logged in tonight to read through some of my old posts, to get some perspective. During that time period my partner was in rehab and I was just beginning Al Anon. My posts left off shortly after she got out of rehab.
The rest of the story is that she relapsed several times after I thought she'd be "cured" by her rehab. I thought if only she'd try harder, go to more meetings, work a better program, get a different sponsor, whatever else I could think of, our relationship might improve. Meanwhile, each time she relapsed I shut down to her more and more.
When I was re-reading my old posts the one thing that struck me is that although it was horrible and I was going through hell, I loved her. I don't love her like that now and I hadn't for awhile. She returned to AA and managed to get nearly 18 months sober before she broke up with me this Sept. I felt like I had to stay in it, work extra hard b/c she was finally working a program. Why wasn't it working? Why wasn't it better? I thought her sobriety was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but things had only gotten worse. It was too broken to be fixed. What I was doing was putting the focus on fixing the relationship, where I had been trying to fix the addict.
The final 6 months of this relationship were awful. I was miserable but determined to stick it out to see if it could get better. What I failed to see was that just because someone has X amount of time clean, it didn't change her addict character traits that remain in place. I derailed my own recovery b/c I was so invested in fixing this relationship. I got much sicker than I was in 2011. If she hadn't ended things, I'd still be plugging away I'm sure of it. I do believe my HP does for me what I can't do for myself.
We are trying mostly unsuccessfully to get along for the sake of my son who still wants her in his life. I do far better when I am not in communication with her. I can have a great day, and one text from her can ruin my serenity. My new goal is to become like an egg in a Teflon pan; where things just slide right off. Right now I am like an old pan that sticks and you have to scrape the bits out; I don't let go of anything she says or does. I don't want anyone or anything to be able to take what little serenity I have been able to cobble together. This is just my experience, others may be different. My situation isn't exactly the same, but my suggestion is to be OK putting yourself first. I wish I had the strength to do it 6 months to a year ago.
The rest of the story is that she relapsed several times after I thought she'd be "cured" by her rehab. I thought if only she'd try harder, go to more meetings, work a better program, get a different sponsor, whatever else I could think of, our relationship might improve. Meanwhile, each time she relapsed I shut down to her more and more.
When I was re-reading my old posts the one thing that struck me is that although it was horrible and I was going through hell, I loved her. I don't love her like that now and I hadn't for awhile. She returned to AA and managed to get nearly 18 months sober before she broke up with me this Sept. I felt like I had to stay in it, work extra hard b/c she was finally working a program. Why wasn't it working? Why wasn't it better? I thought her sobriety was the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but things had only gotten worse. It was too broken to be fixed. What I was doing was putting the focus on fixing the relationship, where I had been trying to fix the addict.
The final 6 months of this relationship were awful. I was miserable but determined to stick it out to see if it could get better. What I failed to see was that just because someone has X amount of time clean, it didn't change her addict character traits that remain in place. I derailed my own recovery b/c I was so invested in fixing this relationship. I got much sicker than I was in 2011. If she hadn't ended things, I'd still be plugging away I'm sure of it. I do believe my HP does for me what I can't do for myself.
We are trying mostly unsuccessfully to get along for the sake of my son who still wants her in his life. I do far better when I am not in communication with her. I can have a great day, and one text from her can ruin my serenity. My new goal is to become like an egg in a Teflon pan; where things just slide right off. Right now I am like an old pan that sticks and you have to scrape the bits out; I don't let go of anything she says or does. I don't want anyone or anything to be able to take what little serenity I have been able to cobble together. This is just my experience, others may be different. My situation isn't exactly the same, but my suggestion is to be OK putting yourself first. I wish I had the strength to do it 6 months to a year ago.
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