Waterfalls2014

Hi, I was hoping to get a few opinions on how to handle a family crisis were having. I've spoke to one member who god love them, was super supportive. But I'm wondering if anyone's had this happen to them. My 26 DD was arrested last night on 2 felony drug possession charges. I went to court to talk to the judge about the options, hoping to persuade rehab. I found out today was just a bond hearing and she's now out doing her own thing. A family advocate I spoke with told me I'm welcome to come back and talk to the judge once one is assigned.

I've had her in rehab 3 times. The longest she's stayed is 1 week. She's destroying her life right in front of her eyes and I don't know how to get through to her. She's grown up with addiction all around her (me included from alcoholism). But she's always had a loving stable home and knows she's got support from me and her grandparents when she's ready to quit.

My deliema, would it be wise to talk to the judge and try to persuade a judgement for what I want? Or would it be better for tough love and to take a step back and let her deal with this?

My heart is in two right now and I feel like this could be a life or death moment. Any advice from someone who's been here I'd love to hear.

bookmaven

It's not your job to get through to her. It's your job to take care of yourself first. I know that's harsh, but you can not control her. She must face the consequences of her choices. Tough love is the best option in my opinion. Sending her to rehab over and over again is not the answer unless she is ready to change. If you always bail her out and make it easy for her, she has no reason to change. It's her decision to get clean and sober, and hers alone.

Go to an AlAnon, NarAnon, or Codependents Anonymous meeting.

Remember, you didn't CAUSE it, you can't CURE it, and you can't CONTROL it.

Chino

The question isn't about what you want, it's about what she needs.

The day I stepped back in court and my daughter stepped up, is the day she began to own her disease. She and the judge worked out what she needed.

Twofish

Dear Waterfalls,
I'm so sorry you are feeling this pain, it hurts, and it doesn't let up.
You've done all you can, and then some more.
She's not ready, but you might be.
Please stop putting all this energy into your dear daughter
and start looking after YOU. There isn't a choice right now.
Please know that you are not alone, many of us have been where
you are. We are here for you!
Keep posting and lean on SR,
TF

Waterfalls2014

Thank you all so much. Even tho my heart is broken and I'm battling my own problems, I've always put DD first. But I think my hesitation to let it go keeps her from healing. Thanks for confirming what I think I have to do as well.

Waterfalls2014

Thank you. I just calmed down from a big much needed cry reading this and realizing you are right.

bookmaven

Like they say in the airplane preflight speech - put your own oxygen mask on first, then assist others.

Your hesitation to let it go is keeping YOU from healing.

She might never get better no matter how much anyone does for her. Nothing can keep her from healing except her.

Waterfalls2014

Thank you. Yes it's 100% what she needs. As much as it hurts I am going to try what you did, and hope for the same outcome. Thanks for the encouraging story.

GardenMama

Another Mama chiming in to lend support and hugs as you take steps to back away from your AD's troubles. She's 26. She has to handle this one on her own. Take care of yourself. Try not to worry--it really doesn't do anything productive for anyone and just eats away at us.

oceanlady1958

i am also chimming in. after rescueing and trying to fixi my son for 6 years i finally let go and let him suffer the consequences. despite the fact that all of us have had enough-they only seek the help they need when they themselves have had enough. it is so hard to step back, and it breaks our hearts to do so, but we will go down that dark path too if we aren't careful to protect ourselves.

Ann

What helped me find my balance and the courage to do what I needed to do to help myself (and do the right thing for my son...let go) was to go to live meetings. I went to CoDA and Al-anon because I needed to go often in the beginning, and that was the start of my healing, my seeing life with clarity, and my helping myself and helping my son by stopping my enabling.

Maybe try some of these meetings, you may find they help more than you think.

Also, and forgive me if I am wrong here, but I believe you are what we call a "double winner" someone who has experienced both sides of substance abuse, your own and that of a loved one. If that is correct please take comfort and know that there are many here who are also double winners and they work both programs and thrive today, living life well and finding joy in each day.

Hugs

irisgardens

All the advice above is so on target--had to let go in June 'after' trying to persuade the court to see a way to give daughter a drug related program. I got what I prayed for and asked for...and that is so unusual in our big city to the north where drug use is all acceptable and even sometimes considered trendy...the judge and DA helped me make a statement to the court and then gave her what I requested...she is full of anger and furious with me...so I know that I did the best I could do and that my HP helped me...but she is not ready and I was so drained that I had consequences of my own at work to face (now job searching) and I was the one that started seeking more help...which I have found here and in alanon and naranon meetings...just starting f2f and those who made the suggestions (many) were right..it is my next step to putting on my oxygen mask. Sending prayers and good wishes your way as you take your steps for you...this is the first real time I have tried to practice self care instead of other care in a lifetime and it is such a challenge...and draining as well...but I come back with each step taken. My family of choice here on SR also keeps me taking those steps. So whoever said it was harsh to do tough love was wrong...have done tough love too with earlier addicts and I got better faster than this time...so God Bless and know that the tough that it takes to really love an addict has the possibility of helping them help themselves. The 3 C's are so crucial for all of us...

Twofish

Dear Waterfalls,
Doesn't the music of togetherness and support sound so good? Us mommas all chiming in
together...
We are here for you and don't attempt this on your own!
Lean towards us, we do care! Hugs and hold on tight!
TF

Waterfalls2014

Thank you all!! Ann, yes I am a double winner. I appreciate you all welcoming me and giving me advice. Lord knows I needed it. I've checked into Alanon meetings in my area and plan to attend this week. I really do need a face to face friend I can talk to.

AD did stop by today. I let her know this can be the beginning of a lifetime of jail sentences if she wants it. Or this can be a turning point if she wants that. She said she's going to start meetings tomorrow as she wants to change. Inside I was thrilled. Hope came back. We shall see if she follows through now.

I did agree to go to dinner with her tomorrow evening. She said she wants to spend some time with me. Cutting your own child off completely had to be the hardest thing to do.

Waterfalls2014

Thank you so much!!! I plan on keeping you all here with me through this all. Finding this site to help me was great. Finding you all to help deal with my daughter is the icing on the cake.

Hugs to you as well

maia1234

Her sobriety is none of your business. Work your program and stay out of hers. I know its rough but it is the only way she will survive on her own sober, with out mom's help.

Good luck and mind your side of the street only!!

bookmaven

You don't necessarily have to cut off all contact with your AD. But you must set healthy boundaries to protect yourself. For example don't give her money.

djlook

Waterfalls2014,

When my son got caught for four felony drug charges, I played a part in his being put into drug court because of the "people" I knew in the town, having worked with and personally knew all the court personnel; judges, lawyers, etc.

I can tell you six years later that's the worst thing I could have done. If I had to do it all over, I would have no involvement whatsoever.

After a year of AlAnon and reading on here, I can see most everything I've done to "help" has contributed to his helplessness.

Glad you're here on SR.

Waterfalls2014

Thank you. This is what I've suspected. I figured someone had been through it. I'm assuming he thought you'd always help since you did that one time?

Waterfalls2014

Thanks, I'm slowly learning what I think is helping, not giving her money but other things I do, are really hurting her.