kej248

I haven't posted any updates on my situation. I just feel silly doing so and feel others have more important things to discuss then me. I have just been reading and lurking in the shadows here, but here goes, it may help to talk about it.

I have been talking with the X. I know! Yes, I have talked to him about 4 times on the phone at 3, 4, even 5 in the am. And we were texting about everyday. Each conversation starts out the same. He's upset with his life and says how he should just run off and be a hermit or how he hopes one of these overdoses just takes him and he doesn't wake up...all stuff to get me to comfort him I guess. So in these conversations I also learned he was evicted from our apartment. He's been having big parties and is extremely behind on rent. When I last talked to him he had 7 days to get out, so by now he would of had to move to a new place. Meaning, I just lost my deposit money from there...Sigh. He also blamed me for his eviction because I wasn't here to help pay half the rent. But he was glad too because I would of never let him have these kind of parties. So I have no idea how he moved anywhere else being broke. He had said something about moving in with a friend who would pay his half until he got back on his feet...hmm.

We talked for 2-3 hours each time and I will say it was nice hearing from him. We laughed like we use to and reminisced. He made me all these promises and that he and I could work it out, blah, blah. So then in the daytime of course he didn't remember any of this. He actually called me a liar and that he never called me and I was making all this up. I told him he should probably take a look at his phone log! It really did upset me and I know how stupid of me! I know better, I was doing better, until all these conversations. I just fell back into it because I miss my life where I had an apartment, a guy who I thought loved me, a nice job, and a beautiful place to live. Now, I have none of that. I'm living at my mothers house, (which is 23 hours from my old life), looking for a job, and no friends around because I don't know anyone. I've lived with the X for the last 4 years. His dad has been playing telephone between the two of us and that has been stressful as well.

So I finally sent the X an email and told him I couldn't be his shoulder to cry on anymore and I wouldn't talk to him at 3am any longer. He cussed at me and said things which made me realize how none of this has been real to him. He talked about wanting a partnership with someone who does the same things as him and that's what he has always wanted. I just didn't want to fight anymore, but I felt like saying the obvious. I look back and see how much I shut down as a person with him. He couldn't drive so I drove everywhere and paid for everything we did, so of course I didn't want to do things half the time. And he sees that as me being a boring person who never wanted to do the same things as him.

I now need to put this all behind me and work on myself. I just keep thinking about where he moved to and if he's okay. Just stuff that really isn't my concern any longer. I really feel unmotivated and have no idea where to start. I've been reading a few books. I really just feel very unwanted and like I was discarded like a piece of trash because I have nothing left to offer him. I know I need to realize that he isn't thinking like a normal person, easier said then done for me :-)

Thanks for listening everyone! Hugs!

Lovenjoy

hi kej, so glad you came back with an update and sorry you are feeling down. sounds like you are mourning the dream, not the reality, of a relationship with him. this sentence struck me because this is why you left isn't it? you want a healthy partnership and he wants a fellow addict to share his highs with. kudos for you for knowing that is not the life you want for yourself.

it will get better, honest. you're mourning and healing will happen. treat yourself kindly, as you would your best friend. be your own best friend, okay? i hope you stick around and read how others have moved forward into health and happiness. many of those here and i'm sure they'll be along with their wisdom to help.

you are not alone and we really, really care. please continue to share with us. sending love and light your way tonight.

kej248

Thank you very much Lovenjoy!

Yes, I agree, I am just mourning what I have made it in my head, not what it actually was. I did have enough guts to finally get out, and I am very thankful to have my mother to come home to. She loves having me.
I definitely will be sticking around and continuing to read and learn from everyone. SR has kept me sane and everyone here has helped more then I could ever express.

Vale

I did everything I could to encourage the addict I cared about
to move back in with her Mom.....not in a 'crawl back into the
womb' sense but more "talk is cheap, you have been singing
the praises of all of these untouchable pieces of dung that
have been kiting worthless checks on your name, treating
(and abusing)you like a piece of trash----" ......
3 long prison terms for violent felonies but is a "great guy,
just misunderstood".

I knew her Mom would keep her warm/safe/dry/fed, and
out of drug/scumworld. When all the bullcrap/empty
promises/broken dreams and flashy pamphlets
are trashed,your Mom is THERE for you,
unlike every last citizen
of "scumworld".

In another time, in another age,
this concept was called bona fide.

Ann

Please don't ever feel your pain is "less than" anyone else's here. Each person here is important, and that includes you, and I am so glad you came back with an update.

I know it hurts now, but the pain will lessen over time and you will heal and move on, wiser for the journey. That's huge, just to get to the point of moving on, no matter how much it hurts.

Your post is an inspiration to all who struggle with "moving on" and I am grateful that you are willing to share your journey, your experience, hope and strength.

Hugs

kej248

Thank you Ann

Twofish

Dear kej,
I am one who will be here for you! I'm sorry you are going through this, the pain of those
memories...they do sting.
I'm at that "moving on" point in my life that Ann and Vale have referred to, it is so hard to take that step, to move forward, alone or
with support, it still hurts!
I've taken that step towards a healthy choice!
Moms and SR are a great source of support. It's good that you're not alone.
Keep posting, listen to the wise advise. Use what you can, what you think feels
"right" and leave the rest behind.
Remember you're not alone, don't let yourself be alone.
Take care,
TF

kej248

Thank you Twofish!

JOIE12

kej ...

i have yet to share my story but i hear the echoes in yours. Thank you.

Mourning takes time. SR and my faith have kept me sane during the past 2 years. You have inspired me.

kej248

Thank you Joie!