Karrets

Right I'm going through the mill at the moment. It's been a month today since I kicked my heroin addicted husband. He's been arrested broken his leg and foot. I stupidly slept with someone else and have ended that. He goes to court on 29th of this month. He phoned last week and asked me for a tenner for a taxi. I said no.
I can't believe he is not on his hands and knees trying to save himself and us. I desperately want to text him and say I love him and check he is okay but I keep holding back cause I think it's wrong cause he should be doing it. I just think that if I don't and he does get well he will never come back.
I feel so much grief and sadness. I'm having counselling and trying to surrender to these feelings I need to know if there is hope or how to work through this.

Mountainmanbob

Only time will tell. You are doing well going to counseling. Taking care of yourself the best that you can is what is needed at the moment.
MM

Overit23

Keep going to counseling and get the support you need.

djlook

"I can't believe he is not on his hands and knees trying to save himself and us."

Ma'am, I say this respectfully and with all sincerity. From what you've said, it sounds like your real issue at the moment is the guilt you're experiencing as a result of having had sex with another man while you're still married.

If you haven't tried AlAnon you might want to find a meeting and go because until we get into recovery our motives are not pure. Sometimes a text to say "I love you" is really to cover up the guilt we're experiencing as a result of what we've done to injure ourselves or others.

Karrets

Dj look... I think you have a point there with the guilt. I have always felt guilt... guilt at not giving him money...guilt of throwing him out... guilt of not standing by him when fighting for a relationship when your standing in the ring alone... Where is his guilt? I'm angry at myself for being pathetic and lonely and reaching out for comfort. I had so much emotional abuse about guilt from him over the years. Thank you for your reply it's given me a very different perspective. He can lie steal denies...For 3 years. I make one mistake and I feel guilt. I have counselling and go to coda meetings. Alanon was good but I got sick of staying in a sick relationship and Alan on kept me stuck

djlook

You're not a bad person, you're a sick person, just like him. We're sicker because we put up with it.

CoDa or AlAnon, either one, keep going back. It's the same thing as Alcoholic/Addict saying I tried one meeting and saying "but you don't understand", I'm terminally unique, I don't think it'll work for me. Get a sponsor and work the steps and your guilt will leave. I can't explain how it works, nobody can. It just works.

airwick

If he does get well and never comes back.

That is how I feel about my X also...but I think of it this way. I gave a good 13 years of my life to him, I sure can wait 5-10- maybe never for him to return. But if he gets well.... that's enough for me to be happy he's gone. Did that make sense?

biminiblue

I know in my younger days I used to do things and have an expectation that it would result in a specific outcome. Like I would break up with someone thinking that it would so break their heart that they would do _____________ and then come crawling back because they would have to be with me and would miss what they had with me.

That was my ego. MY ego. In reality what would happen is they would move on to someone else. Most people are going to leave when you tell them you're done. It's a lot like quitting a job and expecting them to beg you to stay. That just isn't the way it goes.

In my case I just thought I was so special, and so nice and so pretty and so good at blah blah blah. It was my inflated ego, and my sense of perfection. In every case it was the right thing to do to break up, or I wouldn't have done it, but it didn't result in someone becoming a different person and begging to come back to perfect me. It resulted in him finding someone else to deal with his BS.

djlook

Yep.

Karrets

Airwick I think so... Maybe my ego is in play. I also think I'm not worthy of anyone but him. He ticked all my boxes. my counselling highlighted I have been looking for my soul mate all my life and when he came along I accepted the unacceptable. There is a part of me that wants to go and get him but I won't. I'm gonna keep working on me. Thank you so much... The guilt thing really hit home. I didn't sleep with this guy until we separated but yes technically I am still married

biminiblue

I understand the guilt, but the affair would never have happened had not your husband already driven the relationship off a cliff. Don't beat yourself up over the affair. Look at it as the result of an irretrievably broken marriage.

I understand the "soul mate lost" issue. Soul mates is a romance novel term. It isn't what you have here. Of course you are going to grieve the loss, there is no way around that. It will pass, and you will heal from this. Time takes time.

zoso77

Karrets, if you saw a kid walking towards a downed power line and the kid was about to pick it up, what would you do?

Karrets

I would run and stop them or shout out to stop them

zoso77

So then explain why what you want to do -- contact your heroin addict husband -- is any different than picking up a downed power line?

Karrets

Zoso Thank you X
I've had enough of being burnt

zoso77

Have you?

The longer I'm here at SR, the more I conclude that under the right set of circumstances, we can talk ourselves into doing anything, even if it's not in our best interests. I'm as guilty of that as anyone here. I'm watching one of my best friends, someone who's like a younger brother to me, go around and round with a chick that's toxic for a myriad of reasons. But he loves her!!

And I feel like saying, so f**king what?

Love will be an impediment when it comes to making rational decisions if we allow it to be.

Your husband knows you love him, Karrets. But because he's in active opiate addiction, he doesn't care. He is incapable of processing that because he has given himself permission to slowly destroy himself. So when you want to tell him you love him, who does that benefit? What's the outcome you want? That he's going to go, I love you, too!, and then everything's going to be OK?

It's not going to happen. Not today, not tomorrow, and probably not ever.

I apologize for bringing the hammer down this hard on you. But the point I'm trying to drive home is you need to believe what you see when it comes to your husband. Your love isn't going to change him. No one's love is going to change him.

Take some of that love and give it to yourself for a change.

AnvilheadII

i'm not a fan of the Soul Mate concept....bunch of hooey if you ask me. a person's soul is unknowable even to them, how then tell me would one recognize their soul's MATE? it's an entirely subjective, romanticized notion about star crossed lovers and fate and fairy tales.

we really need to know ourselves pretty well before we have any business getting involved with another human being. we should know our own core values, ethics, morals, BOUNDARIES. we should know what our own passions are (starving kids, global warming, sustainable farming, art, music). we should know where we stand on issues, or those which we choose not to have an opinion. we need to develop healthy self respect, self awareness, independence of thought, self reliance.

we should not seek others to COMPLETE us, but to COMPLEMENT us.