'lil update. new normal?
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
'lil update. new normal?
hi all. i haven't posted here in quite awhile and i realized today that part of the reason for this is displaced shame. i want so badly for my son to 'get' recovery - grab it and hang on for dear life and do. what. ever. is. needed. to have his life back. hasn't really gone that way. and because it hasn't i want him and all of it out of my home. and because that isn't possible, i'll explain in a moment, i feel like i'm a failure.
i'm not. my codie recovery is advancing every day. i am no longer on the crazy train. he gets no money from me, next to no rides, no coffee or cigarettes, no whining from me about meetings, i don't obsess about him, i take care of my own recovery, i'm kind to myself when i'm hurting and gift myself with nice things without guilt..... i spend more time with the people who lift me up. i have a great therapist i see weekly. i do meetings. i garner all the wisdom here at SR daily. i have come a long, long ways... and you know what? my life is good!
but..... the darkness of his disease lives here in my home too. he wants recovery. he tries and tries. then slips..... and gets back up and tries some more. then slips..... he has the tools yet doesn't use them so they are dusty and unfamiliar to him. i am a long time recovering alcoholic so i know the work. i know the fear of facing yourself without numbing it. and i hate seeing the depression and self loathing and helplessness of my only child's disease. i stay out of his recovery as much as possible yet i do call him on inappropriate behavior that directly affects me and my peace. and that's hard because then i see his shame and self loathing increase which is not my intent. but i know i need to protect myself.
my valuables are hid daily. new normal. sucks to not have my wallet easily available when i want to do banking. my checks are at the office. doing banking online so nothing comes to the house. keep things in my car and my keys with me at all times. take my laptop with me whenever i leave the house. new normal. if i believe he is using i check to see if he is alive in the morning. new normal. he has a chronic health issue. no sympathy from me and really very little compassion at this point. very unlike myself. new normal. i've told him with this recent health crisis that i can't be the mom who will help with it because he is willing to take his life so lightly when he uses.
and the reason i can't just kick him out and let him totally crash and burn or whatever is my beautiful granddaughter. she came home from the hospital to this house and my loving arms. her mother also suffers from this disease (not here any longer) and in the chaotic years of my grand baby's young life being here is the only stability she has ever had. and she still has it for at least part of the week, every week. and unfortunately it is still the only stability she has to count on.
believe me i have looked at this from all angles. if i thought the little one would be ok not coming here i would kick him out. she wouldn't be. if she could thrive without having time away from the chaos of her other home i would survive not seeing her. this is not about me. this is not about him. it is about a young child who already has the deck stacked against her who needs to have this oasis of calm and light..... and this is one of the reasons that i know my recovery is healthy. my home is an oasis of calm and light.
the darkness is his and is peripheral to my life. and hers. so we soldier on and keep hope alive and pray constantly and nudge the addict about getting and being well..... and despite his struggles i find joy everyday. he will either get it or he won't. if i stop getting healthier and healthier as has been happening then i'll have to make a heartbreaking decision.
i fear for him. i fear that by allowing him to have this safe haven i am prolonging his suffering. and it really isn't about allowing him at all. he just benefits because his daughter's well being is most important to me. this little girl has her whole life in front of her and doesn't get to make informed choices yet. he does. i do.
soooo.... this really wasn't a 'lil update at all was it?! if you've read this whole thing i thank you for listening. finding a safe place to share the reality of living with an addicted love one is not easy. only my therapist and one family member has ever heard most of what i've shared here today. and now thousands more know! they say you are only as sick as your secrets so sharing this will help me grow and heal. it means the world to me that i can come here where people understand. i am not alone. you are not alone.
find joy every day!!!
i'm not. my codie recovery is advancing every day. i am no longer on the crazy train. he gets no money from me, next to no rides, no coffee or cigarettes, no whining from me about meetings, i don't obsess about him, i take care of my own recovery, i'm kind to myself when i'm hurting and gift myself with nice things without guilt..... i spend more time with the people who lift me up. i have a great therapist i see weekly. i do meetings. i garner all the wisdom here at SR daily. i have come a long, long ways... and you know what? my life is good!
but..... the darkness of his disease lives here in my home too. he wants recovery. he tries and tries. then slips..... and gets back up and tries some more. then slips..... he has the tools yet doesn't use them so they are dusty and unfamiliar to him. i am a long time recovering alcoholic so i know the work. i know the fear of facing yourself without numbing it. and i hate seeing the depression and self loathing and helplessness of my only child's disease. i stay out of his recovery as much as possible yet i do call him on inappropriate behavior that directly affects me and my peace. and that's hard because then i see his shame and self loathing increase which is not my intent. but i know i need to protect myself.
my valuables are hid daily. new normal. sucks to not have my wallet easily available when i want to do banking. my checks are at the office. doing banking online so nothing comes to the house. keep things in my car and my keys with me at all times. take my laptop with me whenever i leave the house. new normal. if i believe he is using i check to see if he is alive in the morning. new normal. he has a chronic health issue. no sympathy from me and really very little compassion at this point. very unlike myself. new normal. i've told him with this recent health crisis that i can't be the mom who will help with it because he is willing to take his life so lightly when he uses.
and the reason i can't just kick him out and let him totally crash and burn or whatever is my beautiful granddaughter. she came home from the hospital to this house and my loving arms. her mother also suffers from this disease (not here any longer) and in the chaotic years of my grand baby's young life being here is the only stability she has ever had. and she still has it for at least part of the week, every week. and unfortunately it is still the only stability she has to count on.
believe me i have looked at this from all angles. if i thought the little one would be ok not coming here i would kick him out. she wouldn't be. if she could thrive without having time away from the chaos of her other home i would survive not seeing her. this is not about me. this is not about him. it is about a young child who already has the deck stacked against her who needs to have this oasis of calm and light..... and this is one of the reasons that i know my recovery is healthy. my home is an oasis of calm and light.
the darkness is his and is peripheral to my life. and hers. so we soldier on and keep hope alive and pray constantly and nudge the addict about getting and being well..... and despite his struggles i find joy everyday. he will either get it or he won't. if i stop getting healthier and healthier as has been happening then i'll have to make a heartbreaking decision.
i fear for him. i fear that by allowing him to have this safe haven i am prolonging his suffering. and it really isn't about allowing him at all. he just benefits because his daughter's well being is most important to me. this little girl has her whole life in front of her and doesn't get to make informed choices yet. he does. i do.
soooo.... this really wasn't a 'lil update at all was it?! if you've read this whole thing i thank you for listening. finding a safe place to share the reality of living with an addicted love one is not easy. only my therapist and one family member has ever heard most of what i've shared here today. and now thousands more know! they say you are only as sick as your secrets so sharing this will help me grow and heal. it means the world to me that i can come here where people understand. i am not alone. you are not alone.
find joy every day!!!
Administrator
Join Date: Mar 2006
Location: a better place
Posts: 4,047
Thank you for what you are doing for that precious little girl. Your post touched my heart. I pray that your son continues to seek recovery and one day soon wants to do the hard work to find it and be a real father to that sweet child. 
Member
Join Date: Jul 2012
Posts: 793
Lovenjoy, what a beautiful and poignant post. I am walking along here beside you, and know what a struggle it can be to "work" our recovery when also trying to be lovingly detached from our addict child. I think you are doing a great job walking that tightrope, loving your granddaughter, and taking care of yourself. There are a few other grandmothers I know who are doing the same, and I see it as one of the hardest jobs any of us here could ever have. Snuggle that little girl a bit for me, in thanks for all you are doing to love and care for her.
Your son may benefit from being in your home, and his addiction may be "enjoying" it, but remember you are also modeling good parenting, good boundaries, and you are a daily living reminder of what a recovered addict can do with her life. Try not to beat yourself up too much about him being at home right now. You are doing a great job detaching and enjoying your life and your granddaughter's presence in it.
Carry on, Lovenjoy!
Your son may benefit from being in your home, and his addiction may be "enjoying" it, but remember you are also modeling good parenting, good boundaries, and you are a daily living reminder of what a recovered addict can do with her life. Try not to beat yourself up too much about him being at home right now. You are doing a great job detaching and enjoying your life and your granddaughter's presence in it.
Carry on, Lovenjoy!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Posts: 923
Lovenjoy, thank you for your post...my husband and I did the same thing when our twin granddaughters were born--for 7 years...they are 9 now...and it was worth it...and yet your ability to describe the darkness...no matter how peripheral is poignant and real. We are in a different stage...our daughter is on her own now...recovery in a formal sense is still her choice to make although she is functional, making her own way and taking care of her girls...which was my prayer for so long. She has chosen to blame and deflect what is hers onto me but I continue my recovery and this phase is about setting boundaries that are appropriate to today and now as two adult women...and it is hard but I am doing it...in a loving, but firm way as she does not respond to the love and positive language that my recovery has given me (thank you God) more often than the negative that is hard to walk through but so worthwhile. It is always a challenge...and yet I know that I love both families...so much received even if I have and do need to continue to change myself in the ways I can (and that my HP gives me to do and that help). Your post was a Godsend today! Grateful.
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 117
Lovenjoy, that baby girl is lucky to have you! You are doing a good thing by providing her the stability she needs. Aren't grandkids THE BEST?? 
I'm sure you've thought of this already but can you get any kind of temporary custody?
I'm sure you've thought of this already but can you get any kind of temporary custody?
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Location: WI
Posts: 1,426
Dear Lovenjoy,
So good to hear from you, it's been awhile!
Your post is beautiful, you are a caring mom and grandma. Your grand baby is
one lucky girl! (Your dear son too!)
You know, we do what we can until we can't do anymore, sound familiar? Then we must
concentrate on ourselves.
It's the innocent ones that need us too. The babies and children from our own children
that suffer, they didn't ask for this...these children of our children...all they ever wanted or needed was to be loved. We can do that.
My first grandson is due to arrive in January. I can't wait to be a grandma! Yeah yeah!!
My daughter is sober and on a small dose of Subutex. She's trying so hard.
They got married, and are happy but the drama is still lurking around her. She has to use her tools if she gets too overwhelmed and is tempted...the thought of relapse is always there....I have hope that she is strong enough.
It surly doesn't help that my marriage is over. We don't talk about it too much. I want this time to be happy for her and not to worry so much about me.
Lets be a good example to our kids...sobriety is the only healthy choice.
Hugs to you my friend,
TF
So good to hear from you, it's been awhile!
Your post is beautiful, you are a caring mom and grandma. Your grand baby is
one lucky girl! (Your dear son too!)
You know, we do what we can until we can't do anymore, sound familiar? Then we must
concentrate on ourselves.
It's the innocent ones that need us too. The babies and children from our own children
that suffer, they didn't ask for this...these children of our children...all they ever wanted or needed was to be loved. We can do that.
My first grandson is due to arrive in January. I can't wait to be a grandma! Yeah yeah!!
My daughter is sober and on a small dose of Subutex. She's trying so hard.
They got married, and are happy but the drama is still lurking around her. She has to use her tools if she gets too overwhelmed and is tempted...the thought of relapse is always there....I have hope that she is strong enough.
It surly doesn't help that my marriage is over. We don't talk about it too much. I want this time to be happy for her and not to worry so much about me.
Lets be a good example to our kids...sobriety is the only healthy choice.
Hugs to you my friend,
TF
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Lovenjoy, your post is a good example of love. Thank you for sharing with us.
There just is no other way... that granddaughter is your heart, I know.
Prayers for your son.... that he sees in you the joy that could be his.
hugs
chicory
There just is no other way... that granddaughter is your heart, I know.
Prayers for your son.... that he sees in you the joy that could be his.
hugs
chicory
Member
Join Date: Jul 2013
Posts: 102
Lovenjoy, I too, am a grandmother of a 6 year old little girl. My son is a 24 year old heroin addict. I have not asked my son to leave a condo we own where he resides because that is my granddaughter's only stable home. He is great with her when he has her. Her mother moves so often and has already been married twice (my son and his ex never married). I worry about my granddaughter's future so am there to enforce rules and provide parenting guidance. Grandma and grandpa are a very important part of this little girl's life. For now, my son is on methadone maintenance and started working a little....not sure if he is 100% all in his recovery yet, but it's a little better than a month ago. Hoping for the best. I feel guilty about not just leaving him on his own because I also don't know if I'm prolonging his bottom. It's not the right time I guess. There is no sure way I feel. Gotta go with my gut feeling. Prayers and hugs for all of us to make it through this.
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Lotusangel 
Lovenjoy, I too, am a grandmother of a 6 year old little girl. My son is a 24 year old heroin addict. I have not asked my son to leave a condo we own where he resides because that is my granddaughter's only stable home. He is great with her when he has her. Her mother moves so often and has already been married twice (my son and his ex never married). I worry about my granddaughter's future so am there to enforce rules and provide parenting guidance. Grandma and grandpa are a very important part of this little girl's life. For now, my son is on methadone maintenance and started working a little....not sure if he is 100% all in his recovery yet, but it's a little better than a month ago. Hoping for the best. I feel guilty about not just leaving him on his own because I also don't know if I'm prolonging his bottom. It's not the right time I guess. There is no sure way I feel. Gotta go with my gut feeling. Prayers and hugs for all of us to make it through this.
My grandchildren aren't an issue now but they were at one point. I totally get how you and OP feel. Totally. The grandchildren have to be protected at all costs.Kari
Member
Join Date: Dec 2007
Posts: 590
Originally Posted by Lovenjoy
hi all. i haven't posted here in quite awhile and i realized today that part of the reason for this is displaced shame. i want so badly for my son to 'get' recovery - grab it and hang on for dear life and do. what. ever. is. needed. to have his life back. hasn't really gone that way. and because it hasn't i want him and all of it out of my home. and because that isn't possible, i'll explain in a moment, i feel like i'm a failure.
i'm not. my codie recovery is advancing every day. i am no longer on the crazy train. he gets no money from me, next to no rides, no coffee or cigarettes, no whining from me about meetings, i don't obsess about him, i take care of my own recovery, i'm kind to myself when i'm hurting and gift myself with nice things without guilt..... i spend more time with the people who lift me up. i have a great therapist i see weekly. i do meetings. i garner all the wisdom here at SR daily. i have come a long, long ways... and you know what? my life is good!
but..... the darkness of his disease lives here in my home too. he wants recovery. he tries and tries. then slips..... and gets back up and tries some more. then slips..... he has the tools yet doesn't use them so they are dusty and unfamiliar to him. i am a long time recovering alcoholic so i know the work. i know the fear of facing yourself without numbing it. and i hate seeing the depression and self loathing and helplessness of my only child's disease. i stay out of his recovery as much as possible yet i do call him on inappropriate behavior that directly affects me and my peace. and that's hard because then i see his shame and self loathing increase which is not my intent. but i know i need to protect myself.
my valuables are hid daily. new normal. sucks to not have my wallet easily available when i want to do banking. my checks are at the office. doing banking online so nothing comes to the house. keep things in my car and my keys with me at all times. take my laptop with me whenever i leave the house. new normal. if i believe he is using i check to see if he is alive in the morning. new normal. he has a chronic health issue. no sympathy from me and really very little compassion at this point. very unlike myself. new normal. i've told him with this recent health crisis that i can't be the mom who will help with it because he is willing to take his life so lightly when he uses.
and the reason i can't just kick him out and let him totally crash and burn or whatever is my beautiful granddaughter. she came home from the hospital to this house and my loving arms. her mother also suffers from this disease (not here any longer) and in the chaotic years of my grand baby's young life being here is the only stability she has ever had. and she still has it for at least part of the week, every week. and unfortunately it is still the only stability she has to count on.
believe me i have looked at this from all angles. if i thought the little one would be ok not coming here i would kick him out. she wouldn't be. if she could thrive without having time away from the chaos of her other home i would survive not seeing her. this is not about me. this is not about him. it is about a young child who already has the deck stacked against her who needs to have this oasis of calm and light..... and this is one of the reasons that i know my recovery is healthy. my home is an oasis of calm and light.
the darkness is his and is peripheral to my life. and hers. so we soldier on and keep hope alive and pray constantly and nudge the addict about getting and being well..... and despite his struggles i find joy everyday. he will either get it or he won't. if i stop getting healthier and healthier as has been happening then i'll have to make a heartbreaking decision.
i fear for him. i fear that by allowing him to have this safe haven i am prolonging his suffering. and it really isn't about allowing him at all. he just benefits because his daughter's well being is most important to me. this little girl has her whole life in front of her and doesn't get to make informed choices yet. he does. i do.
soooo.... this really wasn't a 'lil update at all was it?! if you've read this whole thing i thank you for listening. finding a safe place to share the reality of living with an addicted love one is not easy. only my therapist and one family member has ever heard most of what i've shared here today. and now thousands more know! they say you are only as sick as your secrets so sharing this will help me grow and heal. it means the world to me that i can come here where people understand. i am not alone. you are not alone.
find joy every day!!!
i'm not. my codie recovery is advancing every day. i am no longer on the crazy train. he gets no money from me, next to no rides, no coffee or cigarettes, no whining from me about meetings, i don't obsess about him, i take care of my own recovery, i'm kind to myself when i'm hurting and gift myself with nice things without guilt..... i spend more time with the people who lift me up. i have a great therapist i see weekly. i do meetings. i garner all the wisdom here at SR daily. i have come a long, long ways... and you know what? my life is good!
but..... the darkness of his disease lives here in my home too. he wants recovery. he tries and tries. then slips..... and gets back up and tries some more. then slips..... he has the tools yet doesn't use them so they are dusty and unfamiliar to him. i am a long time recovering alcoholic so i know the work. i know the fear of facing yourself without numbing it. and i hate seeing the depression and self loathing and helplessness of my only child's disease. i stay out of his recovery as much as possible yet i do call him on inappropriate behavior that directly affects me and my peace. and that's hard because then i see his shame and self loathing increase which is not my intent. but i know i need to protect myself.
my valuables are hid daily. new normal. sucks to not have my wallet easily available when i want to do banking. my checks are at the office. doing banking online so nothing comes to the house. keep things in my car and my keys with me at all times. take my laptop with me whenever i leave the house. new normal. if i believe he is using i check to see if he is alive in the morning. new normal. he has a chronic health issue. no sympathy from me and really very little compassion at this point. very unlike myself. new normal. i've told him with this recent health crisis that i can't be the mom who will help with it because he is willing to take his life so lightly when he uses.
and the reason i can't just kick him out and let him totally crash and burn or whatever is my beautiful granddaughter. she came home from the hospital to this house and my loving arms. her mother also suffers from this disease (not here any longer) and in the chaotic years of my grand baby's young life being here is the only stability she has ever had. and she still has it for at least part of the week, every week. and unfortunately it is still the only stability she has to count on.
believe me i have looked at this from all angles. if i thought the little one would be ok not coming here i would kick him out. she wouldn't be. if she could thrive without having time away from the chaos of her other home i would survive not seeing her. this is not about me. this is not about him. it is about a young child who already has the deck stacked against her who needs to have this oasis of calm and light..... and this is one of the reasons that i know my recovery is healthy. my home is an oasis of calm and light.
the darkness is his and is peripheral to my life. and hers. so we soldier on and keep hope alive and pray constantly and nudge the addict about getting and being well..... and despite his struggles i find joy everyday. he will either get it or he won't. if i stop getting healthier and healthier as has been happening then i'll have to make a heartbreaking decision.
i fear for him. i fear that by allowing him to have this safe haven i am prolonging his suffering. and it really isn't about allowing him at all. he just benefits because his daughter's well being is most important to me. this little girl has her whole life in front of her and doesn't get to make informed choices yet. he does. i do.
soooo.... this really wasn't a 'lil update at all was it?! if you've read this whole thing i thank you for listening. finding a safe place to share the reality of living with an addicted love one is not easy. only my therapist and one family member has ever heard most of what i've shared here today. and now thousands more know! they say you are only as sick as your secrets so sharing this will help me grow and heal. it means the world to me that i can come here where people understand. i am not alone. you are not alone.
find joy every day!!!
Kari
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Lovenjoy, God bless you for being the strong one and giving your little GD some normal in her life. I am glad you work on you, and glad you have found your own recovery. I am sad you have to deal with all that you do, you are one strong and wonderful person.
God bless you.
God bless you.
happy, joyous an free!
Thread Starter
Join Date: Feb 2014
Location: northeast
Posts: 693
so touched.....
i am so grateful for the loving support each of you have given me with your replies. i really needed to try looking at the whole picture which writing this helped me to do. i was also very unsure of reactions as sometimes i feel i am using my granddaughter as an excuse not to take a harder line with ras. these thoughts only occur when she's not here. when she's here i can see her need and the way she relaxes her guard because she is safe and life with me is predictable and easy.....
the fact that you see the worth in what i'm doing for this beautiful little girl without judging what i maybe should or shouldn't be doing for the addict is very validating and i needed that.....
i am definitely 'walking that tightrope' and my prayers are with each of us who struggle with addicted love ones and especially with those who work to protect the innocents. i see so many little ones with troubled parents in this city. i thought yesterday that this coming up generation will either be the strongest ever seen or really a mess. i am working very hard to help my little girl find strength from these struggles that no little one should have to face.
iris, lotus, kari thanks so much for sharing your stories with me. grandkids are the best! twofish i am so excited for you - your first grand baby! i thank every one of you who took the time to read this and lend your support to my struggles. know that i read yours and even though i don't always reply (no time!) i hold you each in my heart and send light and love to you and yours...
the fact that you see the worth in what i'm doing for this beautiful little girl without judging what i maybe should or shouldn't be doing for the addict is very validating and i needed that.....
i am definitely 'walking that tightrope' and my prayers are with each of us who struggle with addicted love ones and especially with those who work to protect the innocents. i see so many little ones with troubled parents in this city. i thought yesterday that this coming up generation will either be the strongest ever seen or really a mess. i am working very hard to help my little girl find strength from these struggles that no little one should have to face.
iris, lotus, kari thanks so much for sharing your stories with me. grandkids are the best! twofish i am so excited for you - your first grand baby! i thank every one of you who took the time to read this and lend your support to my struggles. know that i read yours and even though i don't always reply (no time!) i hold you each in my heart and send light and love to you and yours...
Member
Join Date: Aug 2012
Location: Tacoma WA
Posts: 109
Lovenjoy, your post was so beautiful. My AS also has a little daughter. Fortunately, his daughter lives with her mother in a safe, loving environment. My son is incapable of caring for his daughter, and may be at his bottom as I type. I have helped my daughter-in-law go through nursing school so she can support her daughter.
Although I am half way across the country, I will do anything I can to support this single mom doing her best to love and care my granddaughter. My heart aches for my granddaughter because at almost age 6, she knows her Dada is "sick and a street man." What a knowledge to bear at such an early age.
I would do exactly what you were doing given the circumstances. I teach middle schoolers, and I see the pain addicted adults inflict on them. Hurray for all the grandmothers out there who are loving our future.
Kudos to you, and what a lovely post. I have lost my son, at least for now. But, his beautiful granddaughter is pure light and joy.
With compassion,
Peaceandgrace
Although I am half way across the country, I will do anything I can to support this single mom doing her best to love and care my granddaughter. My heart aches for my granddaughter because at almost age 6, she knows her Dada is "sick and a street man." What a knowledge to bear at such an early age.
I would do exactly what you were doing given the circumstances. I teach middle schoolers, and I see the pain addicted adults inflict on them. Hurray for all the grandmothers out there who are loving our future.
Kudos to you, and what a lovely post. I have lost my son, at least for now. But, his beautiful granddaughter is pure light and joy.
With compassion,
Peaceandgrace
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