XxWhiteDovexX

I'm new to the forum....I have a loved one with a substance abuse problem.

He's starting recovery...day 1...again.last night was the last time he used and now we are drudging through dreadful withdrawls..and I just don't know how to support him because I take his relapsing so personal...I want to be there for him but I have this unbelievable amount of mixed emotions in my head ranging from anger to empathy.

I've turned here because I have no one in my life who understands what I'm going through and those who I do confide in just don't understand why I still try so hard to keep the relationship I have with this person...

I just feel so alone

jadealexander

Hi wanted to look up your posts I've been there. Tried so many attempts with him. Went back and forth in our relationship and him trying to quit for months. He is now in an inpatient treatment and I really think he's positive about his recovery now.
His using or not using has nothing to do with u. It is all him. However, the addicts do not realize even tho it's all about them we are affected.
If you want to continue being with him then realize there is nothing u can do. Do what you want to do. But you do have a child that needs to be protected. Does your bf live with you?

XxWhiteDovexX

Yes...and I do honestly believe he's serious this time...He seems genuine about the steps he's taking. I do love him and want to be with him I just feel like this is our last shot at this...

jadealexander

Okay so ur going to be with him. Then just stay positive and busy in what you do. Be a support but try your best to not coddle or enable him. Stay as firm as u can in what u say. I enjoy going to the chats. At first I just went to seek advice. But now I go at least once a day just to talk about anything. And every so often seek advice.

XxWhiteDovexX

I can't really go into the chats..i dont want to.cross his path

jadealexander

I mean the chat on here

XxWhiteDovexX

Oh ok yeah

AnvilheadII

a couple words that jumped out at me....

AGAIN.

WE.

unless you too are an addict going thru withdrawals, this isn't a WE thing. HE has to get over this. HE has to choose THIS TIME to quit and stay quit. it's been since LAST NIGHT. you have no PROOF that he will follow thru this time.

time will tell.

while time passes, there is much you can do to help you feel more a single unit, than a WE....breathe your own air, think thoughts that do not run thru the filter of HIM....when he is using he isn't thinking about what is best for YOU. this isn't your first time witnessing him going thru withdrawals. from drugs. that he willingly purposefully takes.

we know two things....he will either quit, for good.....or he won't.

your life needs to be more than about what he MIGHT do. you've been on hold for a long time. you can love him and care about him, and STILL have a life that isn't JUST about him.

XxWhiteDovexX

Thanks Anvil...

I guess I just don't know how to separate myself from it...howto stop letting it consume me...I think about it, worry about it...all the time

engaged62715

Please look up an support group for family members of addicts in your town it will help, and seek therapy if possible. Especially since you have a child no matter what he decides to do you have to be there for your child. I am in the same boat with my fiance and everyday us rough. I'm trying to be strong and naranon has helped me. They will give you face to face support and this site will help you too

GardenMama

Sorry for what brings you here, but you will find a lot of experience, strength and hope if you stick around and read all you can. Two things to suggest: 1) Get a copy of Co-Dependent No More by Melody Beattie--it is an essential read! There are lots of posts on SR that mention it as well, so do a search. 2) Find a NarAnon meeting or AlAnon meeting ASAP and go to a few different ones if you can. You will find great face-to-face support there.

Take care. Focus on yourself as much as you possibly can. Sometimes this means going out, taking a walk, anything to shift your perspective away from your addict.

BunnyNest

I'm so sorry for what has brought you here.

I know that pain so well. You are not alone.

I also highly recommend "Codependent No More" as well as "The Language of Letting Go." The short daily readings in "The Language of Letting go were sometimes all I could manage, but helped so much.

I've learned how to take care of myself and how to let my loved one have the dignity of caring for themselves.

Stay and read and read and read!

BlueChair

Im sorry for what brings you here too. I dont know if it would help you but people often talk on the substance abuse forum about going through withdrawals, might give you some insight?

as people are offering suggestions, I would say look into Smart recovery where you can find face to face, or online support. And the community reinforcement and family training (craft) ethod because it will teach you healthy ways to take care of yourself while your dealing with all this, plus it teaches healthy ways to support your boyfriend, beef up communication skills and add positive reinforcements to encourage his recovery.

I also like both these books:

get your loved one sober alternative to nagging, pleading, threatening (R.meyers) and beyond addiction, how science and kindness help people change (nicole kosanke)