Feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders...
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Philadelphia, PA
Posts: 3
Feel like I have the weight of the world on my shoulders...
I know I haven't posted on here much, so just to give a brief back story...I have five children, my oldest son is 15 and his father passer away when he was 2. My middle are 10 (boy), 8 (girl) and 7 (boy), and then there's my youngest with my XA fiancé whose 3 (boy). My 7 year old has Autism, not mild but not severe, I guess somewhere in the middle. He also has adhd. When we received his diagnosis, his father up and left because "it was too much to handle". He does not have drug/alcohol issues, he's just a jerk.
When me and my XA got together he was very supportive of the issues with my autistic son. He took care of him very well, sometimes even better than me. Even his therapists who come to the house to work with him would say how good he was with him. He is a LOT to handle. Having to be constantly supervised, managing certain behaviors. My XA was great throughout all of it during our whole relationship. He was great with all the kids.
As I have stated before, he is not a constant user. Out of a whole year we would have about 10 good months with about 2 relapses in between at about the 6 month mark. Usually around every February and August. At one point he had 2 years clean, but eventually relapsed again. He was always a huge help around the house and with responsibilities. It's just the relapses are so devastating to our relationship and financially and I'm so tired of living with the anxiety of when the other shoe will drop.
Since I made him leave, alllll the responsibility has been left on me. The cooking, cleaning, getting kids to and from school, and everything else in between. I also work full time,12 hours overnight, so he was also there to make sure I could rest. The kids miss him terribly and ask about him often. I guess I'm just feeling like maybe I was better off with the devil I knew. Because this new devil of never resting, running around like crazy every morning and afternoon, and trying to care for 5 kids with no help or sleep is horrible as well.
All my family favors are called in because they are watching my kids so I can still work and I can't get a sitter because for one I can't afford it and for two my son is too much for most people to handle. I'm trying to do the right thing here and keep my kids safe from this addiction stuff and the arguing and anxiety it causes, but this life is causing just as many problems, if not more.
It doesn't help that he's always asking to come home or come help me. I'm trying to be strong but I'm exausted. And I read here in another thread where someone said it doesn't seem they are too miserable, having walked away from all responsibility and I totally agree. But I don't get to walk away. I don't get time to figure it out or "get better". I just have to go and go and go. I read on here often that is our obligation to protect our children and give them a good safe life away from addiction. But I didn't sign up for it just being MY responsibility. It's suppose to be a 2 man job and for one reason or another it never works out that way and I'm always left holding the bag with 5 little people I can't let down like everyone else.
Sorry this is so long, having a really hard time handling it all while everyone else gets to walk away free to do as they please
When me and my XA got together he was very supportive of the issues with my autistic son. He took care of him very well, sometimes even better than me. Even his therapists who come to the house to work with him would say how good he was with him. He is a LOT to handle. Having to be constantly supervised, managing certain behaviors. My XA was great throughout all of it during our whole relationship. He was great with all the kids.
As I have stated before, he is not a constant user. Out of a whole year we would have about 10 good months with about 2 relapses in between at about the 6 month mark. Usually around every February and August. At one point he had 2 years clean, but eventually relapsed again. He was always a huge help around the house and with responsibilities. It's just the relapses are so devastating to our relationship and financially and I'm so tired of living with the anxiety of when the other shoe will drop.
Since I made him leave, alllll the responsibility has been left on me. The cooking, cleaning, getting kids to and from school, and everything else in between. I also work full time,12 hours overnight, so he was also there to make sure I could rest. The kids miss him terribly and ask about him often. I guess I'm just feeling like maybe I was better off with the devil I knew. Because this new devil of never resting, running around like crazy every morning and afternoon, and trying to care for 5 kids with no help or sleep is horrible as well.
All my family favors are called in because they are watching my kids so I can still work and I can't get a sitter because for one I can't afford it and for two my son is too much for most people to handle. I'm trying to do the right thing here and keep my kids safe from this addiction stuff and the arguing and anxiety it causes, but this life is causing just as many problems, if not more.
It doesn't help that he's always asking to come home or come help me. I'm trying to be strong but I'm exausted. And I read here in another thread where someone said it doesn't seem they are too miserable, having walked away from all responsibility and I totally agree. But I don't get to walk away. I don't get time to figure it out or "get better". I just have to go and go and go. I read on here often that is our obligation to protect our children and give them a good safe life away from addiction. But I didn't sign up for it just being MY responsibility. It's suppose to be a 2 man job and for one reason or another it never works out that way and I'm always left holding the bag with 5 little people I can't let down like everyone else.
Sorry this is so long, having a really hard time handling it all while everyone else gets to walk away free to do as they please
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Posts: 2,792
Sarina24,
You need to take some deep breaths. Your mind must be running a mile a minute. I am so sorry that you have all that responsibility and no one to help. There was a reason that you made your XA fiance leave, so you need to remember that.
You don't need to bring another crisis in your life. They say God never gives us more then we can handle and I think he is giving you the max. All I can say, is try and take deep breaths and think about what you are doing when you are doing it. Prioritize what needs to be done, and when.
Try and get the older kids to help with the younger kids (its not fair, but they will understand). Keep venting on SR and get advice from people who have been there. From Mom's who have walked in your shoes. They will have some wonderful advice on how to get some assistance.
Keep your chin up and I am sending ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
You need to take some deep breaths. Your mind must be running a mile a minute. I am so sorry that you have all that responsibility and no one to help. There was a reason that you made your XA fiance leave, so you need to remember that.
You don't need to bring another crisis in your life. They say God never gives us more then we can handle and I think he is giving you the max. All I can say, is try and take deep breaths and think about what you are doing when you are doing it. Prioritize what needs to be done, and when.
Try and get the older kids to help with the younger kids (its not fair, but they will understand). Keep venting on SR and get advice from people who have been there. From Mom's who have walked in your shoes. They will have some wonderful advice on how to get some assistance.
Keep your chin up and I am sending ((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))
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