is it emotional abuse
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Darlington
Posts: 175
is it emotional abuse
Hi... It's been 3 weeks since I kicked out my AH. I've made a mistake. I called him last night. I didn't think he would pick up I thought he was in prison cause the police said he was arrested.
The first thing he said was I can't believe your not hurting like me. followed by are you smoking? see you expect me to give up heroin but you can't give up smoking... I had previously for 4 months.
He then went on to say that he didn't know until now that he was losing everything. I said I just want him to get better and he said... I don't want to get better there is no point when I was with you you made me want to be a better person.
I wish I hadn't called him.. I feel guilty... I have also slept with someone else and I don't regret it and we are now only friends but I feel like I have betrayed my husband and that if he knew he would judge me and not get well.
Sorry this is a confusing post. I'm ready to listen to whatever you guys say.
The first thing he said was I can't believe your not hurting like me. followed by are you smoking? see you expect me to give up heroin but you can't give up smoking... I had previously for 4 months.
He then went on to say that he didn't know until now that he was losing everything. I said I just want him to get better and he said... I don't want to get better there is no point when I was with you you made me want to be a better person.
I wish I hadn't called him.. I feel guilty... I have also slept with someone else and I don't regret it and we are now only friends but I feel like I have betrayed my husband and that if he knew he would judge me and not get well.
Sorry this is a confusing post. I'm ready to listen to whatever you guys say.
Nature Girl
Join Date: Mar 2002
Location: By The Lake
Posts: 60,328
He is showing that he hasn't changed and that he wants to control the situation to accommodate and excuse his drug use. I doubt that this is the part of him that you miss.
I am not being judgemental, I promise, but maybe take some quality time to find your balance and heal your wounds before you engage in any new relationship. It's too easy to seek out "love" and end up with another bad and controlling relationship. Sick attracts sick and healthy attracts healthy...take time to get healthy and I promise your life can and will be better.
Hugs
I am not being judgemental, I promise, but maybe take some quality time to find your balance and heal your wounds before you engage in any new relationship. It's too easy to seek out "love" and end up with another bad and controlling relationship. Sick attracts sick and healthy attracts healthy...take time to get healthy and I promise your life can and will be better.
Hugs
Member
Join Date: Sep 2013
Posts: 845
Karrets, I hope you won't let him drag you in to a FOG--fear, obligation, and guilt are very powerful tools for manipulation. When I was breaking free of a relationship with an addict a few years ago, I made a list of all the crappy things he did during our relationship, and it helped to keep me strong when I thought about going back to him. He wants you to feel guilty about leaving him. He wants you to believe that he needs you to get clean because it will keep you stuck to him. But look back on some of the things he has done that you've posted about in the past. Was he being a better man when he sold your daughter's dvds and sold them for drugs? Was he being a better person when he ODed before rehab? Was he being a better person when he left rehab without telling you where he was or whether he was safe? Those are all things he did while you were still trying to help him. One thing I have realized through my experiences with addicts is that their using is not my fault. It is always their choice. We are just simply not that powerful that we can stop someone else from using. If you could stop him, you would have done it a long time ago because I know you hate seeing him like this.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Karrets,
Yes. It is emotional abuse. It has always been emotional abuse. He will never take responsibility for his choices. He will always look for ways to blame you or someone else for those choices. And so long as he's on this path, he will not change.
I'd like to say something about this:
You know, I think I can understand the frame of mind you must have been in in order to make this sort of decision. When we're vulnerable, we're susceptible to making decisions that aren't in our best interests. What's done is done. But may I suggest, with all the sensitivity and empathy that I can muster, that you shouldn't give yourself permission to go "there" the next time you're in a similar position. That sort of physical and emotional intimacy isn't going to fill you in the way you need to be filled. In fact, it may hurt you. And personally, I don't want to see you hurt anymore.
Keep us posted.
Yes. It is emotional abuse. It has always been emotional abuse. He will never take responsibility for his choices. He will always look for ways to blame you or someone else for those choices. And so long as he's on this path, he will not change.
I'd like to say something about this:
I have also slept with someone else and I don't regret it and we are now only friends but I feel like I have betrayed my husband and that if he knew he would judge me and not get well.
Keep us posted.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: Darlington
Posts: 175
Thank you zoso. I have known him for 13 years and I've told him now we are just friends we are both okay with that. He lives 150 miles away and if it wasn't for him I wouldn't have woke up. Your right I need to heal in a different way xxx
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