More detox for my daughtrr?

Old 10-05-2014, 11:30 AM
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More detox for my daughtrr?

Hello, I'm new to the forum my daughter started using heroin two years ago at age 17. We put her in a wonderful recovery center for 30 days and she was clean for a year. Then she got back together with her addict boyfriend and this past year she has gone to detox several times, leaving every time early because they "don't medicate her enough". I can't blame the boyfriend anymore because he's in jail and she's still using. Her last detox was two weeks ago and she disappeared for three days after that. She would send me one text per day. She wouldn't answer any of my calls. Last night she came home and said she's trying to get into detox again and then would like to go to rehab again. Our insurance will only pay for detox. I'm at my wits end. My husband says we are done with the detox game and he's going to take her to work with him and watch her like a hawk until she detoxes. I just don't know what to do. Any advice is so welcome!!
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Old 10-05-2014, 12:39 PM
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CameraJen...

Welcome to the Board. When I read stories like this -- 17 year olds getting into heroin -- it makes my heart sink, and I know I'm not the only one. So I'm really sorry for what has brought you here, but grateful you are here.

The pattern that your AD is following -- pick up, detox, pick up again, detox again -- isn't anything new. And while I don't know your AD and I'm not inside her head, I suspect she's not ready to do the hard, necessary work to recover.

May I gently suggest that your husband's not doing her or himself any favors by "watching her like a hawk until she detoxes". All that is doing is strengthening a codependent dynamic which neither you, your husband, or you AD can afford.

As for what to do, I can't tell you that. On the one hand, coming off opiates should be done in a safe, clinical environment. On the other hand, chances are pretty good she's going to pick up again, and based on that, you shouldn't pay for it.

So, I'll defer to our "moms". We've got a lot of them here in various stages of healing and recovery. Keep an open mind and pay close attention to what they share with you. It could save your sanity.

Again, Welcome to the Board, and you, your husband, and your AD will be in my thoughts are prayers this evening.
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Old 10-05-2014, 01:02 PM
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Thank you for your response. I'm so tired. It's been so emotionally and financially taxing. My gut instinct is to come up with the money to throw her in another 30 rehab after detox as that is what she is asking for but that's because I am her mom and my instincts are wrong when it comes to this addiction beast. My husband is adamant that he can "fix" this but like you said, she's obviously not ready. If I can't talk him out of it then I guess he will have to find out the hard way. I fear this will never end. I know the experts would probably tell us to kick her out of the house but I just can't for some reason. She's only 19 and I love her so much. My heart is broken. Thank you for your kind words.
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Old 10-05-2014, 01:48 PM
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Hi, sorry you have to join us. I have an AS who uses a lot of different things....presently it's inhalents. It took me two years too come here after a crisis we are still reeling from. the support is amazing. It affirms the boundaries we have to set if we are going to live our , I repeat OUR lives. Please read a lot and post, it helps you not feel alone.
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Old 10-05-2014, 02:55 PM
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Thank you I will be posting. It's good to know I'm not alone.
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Old 10-05-2014, 03:28 PM
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I helped my daughter detox one time and I will not ever do it again. It's incredibly unsafe and dangerous.

Has your daughter ever mentioned suboxone or methadone?
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Old 10-06-2014, 04:00 AM
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CameraJen,

Welcome. I'm the mother of a 25 yo AS. DOC is heroin.

There is no easy answer to your question.

You are not alone.

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Old 10-06-2014, 07:32 AM
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There are free rehabs such as the Salvation Army that have good success. Let her work out her recovery, the more work she does for her own sobriety the better it will stick.

I will also say that I don't really think 30 days is nearly long enough for H. She may need a long term program that includes phasing out into a sober living home.

Good luck, take good care of YOU!
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Old 10-06-2014, 07:39 AM
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Originally Posted by Chino View Post
I helped my daughter detox one time and I will not ever do it again. It's incredibly unsafe and dangerous. Has your daughter ever mentioned suboxone or methadone?
. She just headed out to the methadone clinic this morning. Thank you for sharing
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Old 10-06-2014, 07:44 AM
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Originally Posted by hopeful4 View Post
There are free rehabs such as the Salvation Army that have good success. Let her work out her recovery, the more work she does for her own sobriety the better it will stick. I will also say that I don't really think 30 days is nearly long enough for H. She may need a long term program that includes phasing out into a sober living home. Good luck, take good care of YOU!
. I think you are right. I've been caught in this delusion that she will detox, and I can have my baby back, tucked away in her bedroom but that's all it is. A delusion. I would move heaven and earth to fix her but I cannot. I'm so tired. I'm stuck on a bus heading to work for a very stressful day and in so glad I found this forum.
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Old 10-06-2014, 10:28 PM
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Hi CameraJen - I have a 25 year old Recovering Heroin addict son. His first 30-day stay at detox at age 22 ended with him returning home to us, full of good intention but nowhere near the maturity and insight to stay clean. He picked up about 2 months after that 30 day ended. We went thru the difficult decision to make him move out, telling him we would not welcome an addict back into our lives. He had a choice - his family or his heroin. Of course he chose his heroin. In those next 5 months, he sold all his possessions (and even had "friends" take some stuff like Xbox, etc to pay his drug bills), went thru some money he had in his bank, lost his job, lost his car to repo, lost visitation w his then 1-year old daughter, sold drugs, faced a pistol in his face, and came crashing down. While we stood by and watched.

My heart was shredded to pieces. My nerves were shot. My husband was adamant - when he's ready for detox, it must be followed by sober living house 6 month minimum. Seemed really tough to me, but that's what happened.

After his second 30 days in detox, he spent 9 months in SLE. The SLE was in the bad part of town. SLE gave him 30 days to find a job - had to be out of the warm SLE 9 am til 5 pm every weekday til he obtained a job. He had no money. We gave him none. He went to soup kitchens to eat. He walked those pavements (Snowy January) and did get a job. Then he bought a bike to ride to the downtown bus stop to get to work. Learned how to maneuver his bike into the bus so he had it to ride back home after work. Did the work. The meetings. The outpatient appointments at the rehab. Eventually moved from the SLE with another recovering addict into an apartment. The two of them worked out "what will happen if the other one picks up again". 6 months into that shared apartment arrangement, the roommate picks up. My son gave landlord 30 day notice, packed his stuff, found another place and moved. Way more rent with no one to share it. So he got a second job in addition to his full time one. All while going to community college part time, too.

Today, he's almost 2 years sober. His course of study at school ? Addiction counseling. His full time job now? Works as an aide at the same place he detoxed ! Am I proud? You bet! But I don't own this success, he does. He had to fall. Hard. And I had to sidestep it. Bawling my eyes out. But it had to be done.

He had to work his way up from the bottom. And he still insists that if we hadn't taken that step of letting him own his own problem, he would have never seen the light.

So my word as another momma living thru this heroin hell is give your son/daughter the right to own his/her problem. It's not ours to fix. Our kids can gain the first glimpse of self esteem by working their way thru this. Nobody says it will be easy. But it is necessary.

Hugs to you and all the other people who love an addict.
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Old 10-26-2014, 01:16 PM
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Thank you so much for your message. She just went to another detox, got out, came home and is using again. I'm in hell. She's on the phone right now trying to find a 30 day rehab that will take her. She's only 19 and my heart is broken
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Old 10-26-2014, 01:22 PM
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Originally Posted by camerajen View Post
Thank you so much for your message. She just went to another detox, got out, came home and is using again. I'm in hell. She's on the phone right now trying to find a 30 day rehab that will take her. She's only 19 and my heart is broken
CJ...I'm sorry this has happened.

This is, unfortunately, the pattern that a lot of opiate addicts follow. It tells me she's really not ready to do the hard work necessary to change that pattern.

Are you and your husband on the same page now?
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Old 10-26-2014, 01:47 PM
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Kind of... I really don't know how he's going to react. She just admitted it to me. He's not home yet. I don't know what he will do. She tells me she just needs a few days worth of suboxone and that she wants to go somewhere in California for rehab. I'm just sitting here numb.
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Old 10-26-2014, 01:53 PM
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What she says is irrelevant. What she does is what you need to pay attention to. And based on her pattern, you shouldn't believe a thing that comes out of her mouth.

Keep us posted.
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Old 10-26-2014, 02:32 PM
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Will do. I need to be strong.
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Old 10-26-2014, 02:34 PM
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I'm so sorry for your situation and struggles. I understand your husband's opinion on the detox game, however, if she is using a strong narcotic such as heroin,it could be very unsafe to detox alone and without medical supervision. Aside from feeling like the worst case of the flu that you ever thought was humanly possible, there is also a high risk of seizures. I understand not wanting to enable, but just make sure to be safe.

I hope things getting better. Keep coming here- the support I have found here is like no other. Sending prayers to your family.
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Old 10-26-2014, 02:37 PM
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Hello, DJ0822

I know your heart is broken. My son is 37, an opiate addict, and it is so painful to see how he's changed, not only his physical appearance but the mental and moral decline. I don't know who he is anymore. He's been on drugs since age 26. He's now married and has two children. The destruction is incomprehensible. I also understand the emotional and financial devastation you spoke of.

My husband, my son's stepfather of 15 years, and I are in the stage of total nonsupport. We've finally surrendered. We're not giving him anymore money or a place to live. We have propped him up and bailed him out for many, many years, buying houses, cars, food, clothing, hospital and doctor bills, and even paid for - which I don't even believe in - a bankruptcy for him and his wife, thinking if he didn't have all the bills then the bill collectors would stop calling his places of employment and he could hold on to his good jobs. Didn't work. Nothing we've done has fixed him. I don't know what it's going to take for him to abandon his lifestyle of begging people for money, manipulating, lying to everyone. It's just so sad and heartbreaking to watch him slide down more and more each time we see or talk to him. My thinking has been, I'll try this one more thing and he'll stop doing what he's doing. Didn't work. I tried until there's nothing left to try.

Last year about this time I truly thought I was having a mental breakdown. I had been to AlAnon before but not regularly. I'd go, things would get a little better, I'd not go, ect. This time was different. We've been attending AlAnon for a year, which is a start. I started getting better immediately, just knowing I wasn't alone in this battle, that there were lots of parents going through the same thing, some with children 12 and 13 years old.

After a year of no contact with my son the phone rang the other day and it was him, no job, no place to live, no money, desperate again. Even though we were attending AlAnon and knew better, we gave him a motel room free for a month and some more money. He had landed a very promising job here close to us. His job and the money were gone in three weeks.

So the first no was he couldn't live with us, the second no was when the money runs out, don't come to us for anything else, you're on your own. Turning loose, saying no to his "right now" demand the first time was agonizing. In the past, when he demanded, I'd jump through hoops to cater to him. The second time saying no got a little easier. My son now knows that he's used us up. He's used up his dad, his wife, his employers, friends, hospitals, doctors, detox places, rehabs.

I don't know if you've tried AlAnon. It's usually the last place anyone turns until they hit their emotional, spiritual, moral, mental, and financial bottom. I guess just like the alcoholic/addict, AA is the last place they go. I've heard numerous stories in AlAnon where the wife or parent started attending meetings and the alcoholic/addict followed and got into recovery, got sober, and are living very productive lives.

I will keep you, your husband, and daughter in my prayers.
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Old 10-26-2014, 02:46 PM
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I am a recovered needle user. I got into it when I was 18. My parents took me here and took me there. I always left early.

I didn't want sobriety until I was 38. Thirty. Eight. I wasn't ready to quit until *I* was ready. My parents went to Alanon all those years ago and released the outcomes where I was concerned. I got sober 5 years ago and I am closer to my parents than ever. The best thing they ever did for me was let me get to where *I* decided I was done and get sober when I wanted to (NOT when I "needed" to....which was when I was 18).

Glad you are here.
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Old 10-26-2014, 02:53 PM
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Parents here of 2 young addicts. They both are in recovery.

My son is half way through the Salvation Army's 6 month program. It has been a Godsend as insurance only pays for 30 days inpatient. I recognized that he he needed much longer to get his head on straight. It's free and a blessing.

My daughter did the 30 day inpatient and then AA/NA.

Read some good books for parents in our situations: Setting Boundaries for your Adult Children by Allison Bottke and Codependent No More by Beattie. They will help you set a straight path regarding your daughter.
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