Calmwater

Hi Guys, hope everyone is having a lovely weekend. I'm feeling a bit stuck right now and I'm hoping someone might have some good advice. I'm going to my support group, reading Codependent No More, reading and posting on SR, which has been a life saver! I'm trying to focus on my on life, and moving forward with the choices I'm making. I'm looking for socail outlets, yet in some ways I'm struggling against myself. I hate to drive in a lot of traffic, and highways give me serious anxiety, but I'm now living in the outskirts of a pretty big city and they are a fact of life. This is holding me back from doing certain things, as my criteria includes - close, and do I have to drive any scary roads.

There are reasons, I get tired rather easily, and my eyes start to get blurry, I also get shaky, and my my muscles will start to jerk a bit. My sjogren's syndrome effects my nervous system, and I can't control this. It has killed my confidence in a lot of ways. It's so embarrassing, I really, really, hate it. I don't want to have to be dependent on anyone, and I also can only hope that it doesn't get worse, as it is a slowly progressive illness. I have to consider what to do in the future. I'm an asst. preschool teacher right now, which makes very little money, but the place I'm working is great. They are so kind and supportive, and they are paying for me to get the remainder of my certification. Problem is, even with that, I'm still not going to be making enough to support myself and my children alone.

I'm living with my parents at the moment, and I honestly don't think they'd care if we stayed forever. My mother loves the company and she and dad don't get along all that well, so she likes lots of people around. My younger sister still lives here too, so it's a full house. They are remodeling right now to make a really cool room for my boys. I am so grateful. I am also embarrassed that I can't support myself. I feel caught by events, yet I know my choices brought me here. I chose to be a stay at home mom, and homeschool the boys, I chose to follow AH's lead, and help him in business, instead of getting a degree, of finding my own thing. But it wasn't supposed to turn out like this.

Ah keeps calling these last couple weeks. He doesn't want to throw away 20 years (then why did he do drugs, and drink, and lie?) He just got a great job (another one). Why don't I call him? Why is he the one who is trying? (really?? He has done no program, no therapy, given us no finacial help, is hanging out with all his old buddies that he used and drank with before we left, and he's the one trying. Gee, wonder why I don't believe that things are different.)

Yet, he's the one with the nice truck, the "great" job, (although he'll probably lose it, if things follow the usual pattern.) and the apartment. I know that he's building all this on his usual house of cards foundation, I know it will probably all fall down, but somehow, he usually lands on his feet. I need to focus on myself and the kids, not him, but there's a part of me that wants to believe him just because it's easier, I think, and because I'm scared. He was the one who drove, he was the one who worked outside the home. I worked hard, but I was definately the behind the scenes part of the relationship.

He has asked me what I want. I said a partner who is clean and sober. That he be working a program, and getting help with the addiction. No drugs, and no alcohol. He doesn't want to give up drinking, but I don't care, I would never live with him if he were drinking, it leads into the other. He asked what kind of therapy, and I told him he needed to look into that. If I saw him trying to get better, I would probably be willing to try. He used to be my best friend. But I don't honestly know how I feel anymore, and I don't want to go back just because I'm afraid. It's like I'm sad, but kind of numb, I can't access that part right now. Like I feel like maybe I should be more angry then I am, but I'm just sad, and kind of resigned. Except when it hurts the kids, then I just want to shake him. Am I just done? When I don't talk to him for awhile I can focus on the future without him easier. Ok that sounded dumb. But I woke up this morning and reached for him, I haven't done that since I left over six months ago.

I was doing fairly well for awhile with the acceptance of where I actually am, but now I feel like I'm struggling against life again. My birthday is in a couple of days, and my friends and family are trying so hard to make it specail, they keep asking what I want. I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings, but honestly, all I really want is to be alone for a few days with no one else's voices. I can't afford that right now, so I'll go to dinner with everyone and smile, because I love them, and I know they love me, and I'm know I'm lucky. Maybe next weekend I can drive somewhere (close, lol) and just spend a day alone, anyway. Sorry this is so long, it feels like everything is building up and I just want to scream, and kick, and fall apart for awhile. I don't do that though! I just keep going, and my body goes into rebellion and I get sick for a couple days. I really need a healthier coping system! Thanks for listening, just fed up today I guess.

BunnyNest

I think you are doing so well in battling very difficult health and relationship situations.

Is there a support group for you? My 12-step groups really provide a place I can let it all out.

Time alone is so important for me. It is a vital part of my self-care. I hope you can make time alone part of your life.

KariSue

Calmwater, I think you are doing fantastic considering your situation.

You have every right to feel like you feel. Don't worry about doing everything perfectly. It just sounds like you are a little hard on yourself.

I have some driving anxiety as well and I just practice some. Just do what you can do. I don't do highways either. A little each day if you can. Do you have public transit for the places you'd like to go that are farther away? You could do at least until you are up for more.

You don't have to feel bad because you can't support yourself. Are you at least getting child support? You don't have to be divorced to get it you know...at least not where I live. You are very lucky to have your parents in your corner. I am the mom of three adult children and I can almost say for a fact that your mom doesn't give a thought about you living with her. She is feeling so glad that she can reduce your stress some and help you out. I help my single parent daughter out when she gets overwhelmed and I'm so grateful that she will let me. It makes your parents feel good to help, trust me. They know you'll get on your feet in your own time. So let them help without feeling bad about it...or try cause it will be one more worry off your mind.

For your birthday could you ask that everyone go in and get you a weekend in a hotel that is close? Just tell your mom that you need to chill out and rest and that would be the best gift of all. Ahhh, room service sounds wonderful, lol.

You are going to feel waves of good and bad. We all just have to ride the bad ones. While you are feeling so bad just try to do nice things for yourself. Be as gentle and easy on yourself as you would a friend who was going through the same thing. Sometimes we are too hard on ourselves. I find daily walks kind of clear the mind's cobwebs out. Maybe your mom would watch the kids so you could get a little outdoor time alone.

Hugs, addiction really, really, really sucks.

Kari

Calmwater

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that today, honestly, your words were like a balm. I really don't want to take advantage of my parents, and I worry even though they have been great.

I haven't pushed too hard for child support yet because my AH is very erratic, and I'm not sure I'd get anything, also, I'm trying for full custody, and I want to make sure I get it before having an official custody arrangement. I don't want them with him overnight, even though they're all teens. I just don't trust him right now. He's done some very unwise things in the last few months and it scares me. I've contacted a lawyer, but it takes a little while though legal aide.

Thanks again, you've given me some good ideas, and a lot of comfort tonight.

KariSue

You are very welcome. Happy I could help.

Kari

hopeful4

I think you are doing super. Keep the focus on you and remember, just because he has those things now does not mean they will last. You are there as the rock for your children, that will last forever.

XXX