I am waking up
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 2
I am waking up
I am new to posting but have been lurking and reading for a while. My husband is an addict. Yes, of course he is otherwise I wouldn't be here. More specifically he has an alcohol and crack cocaine addiction. He is 46 and has been drinking since he was 12. The crack began at 17. He has been in and out of prison most of his life. As a result of his drug abuse he was diagnosed with lung disease. I truly thought the doctors and specialists telling him this will kill him it would sink in. It has not. On the fourth of July he was admitted to the ICU after a binge his lungs were fried and he had almost shut his kidneys down. This did not wake him up.
He has lied, he has stolen, he has manipulated until I don't know if I am coming or going. He is a binge user and has gone as long as a year without crack. Always though, he thinks he can drink beer. It seems like, for him any way, the beer slips a switch in his brain that gives him the cajones to go looking for dope. He hasn't used crack, so he says, since July. He has however pulled disappearing acts and came home rip roaring drunk.
I have a grown son, we have no children together, and I am the only one with an income. Today was payday and when we went to pick up toilet paper and animal feed he asked if we could get cheeseburgers and go for a long drive just the two of us. Then he drops the bomb that he would like some beer. I refused and when I did he informed me that if he took off it was my fault because I would not let him drink. I told him I couldn't control rather he drank or not but I refused to be the person that bought it. In the past I would have gotten the beer so he would stay home then watch him like a hawk. NOT this time! I feel as though the veil is being pulled from my eyes. I love this man so much it hurts but should love hurt this much? Should I have to leave my purse and car keys in my son's room so my husband won't drive away with my car and my money? SOmetimes I wonder who is in bondage. I know I should put him to the curb, I do, I KNOW this. However, like so many others the thought of him being found dead is too heavy of a cross for me to bear at this point.
For those who have left how did you overcome the fear of something terrible happening to them as a consequence of being turned away after coming home drunk/high?
He has lied, he has stolen, he has manipulated until I don't know if I am coming or going. He is a binge user and has gone as long as a year without crack. Always though, he thinks he can drink beer. It seems like, for him any way, the beer slips a switch in his brain that gives him the cajones to go looking for dope. He hasn't used crack, so he says, since July. He has however pulled disappearing acts and came home rip roaring drunk.
I have a grown son, we have no children together, and I am the only one with an income. Today was payday and when we went to pick up toilet paper and animal feed he asked if we could get cheeseburgers and go for a long drive just the two of us. Then he drops the bomb that he would like some beer. I refused and when I did he informed me that if he took off it was my fault because I would not let him drink. I told him I couldn't control rather he drank or not but I refused to be the person that bought it. In the past I would have gotten the beer so he would stay home then watch him like a hawk. NOT this time! I feel as though the veil is being pulled from my eyes. I love this man so much it hurts but should love hurt this much? Should I have to leave my purse and car keys in my son's room so my husband won't drive away with my car and my money? SOmetimes I wonder who is in bondage. I know I should put him to the curb, I do, I KNOW this. However, like so many others the thought of him being found dead is too heavy of a cross for me to bear at this point.
For those who have left how did you overcome the fear of something terrible happening to them as a consequence of being turned away after coming home drunk/high?
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Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: New Orleans, LA
Posts: 985
Your question at the end brought up something for me that I had tucked away inside. Two and a half years ago, I broke up with a partner with whom I was living. We were engaged. He was sober through the year that we lived together, but without any support network or recovery work.
I worried about him a lot in the relationship, partially because he had Type 1 Diabetes, which he did not manage well, even in sobriety. Twice during our relationship he fell into a diabetic coma, and I had to call paramedics to revive him.
As the engagement moved toward plans of marraige, I had a revelation. I had been really excited that this time I had not chosen an addict or alcoholic to be in relationship with; I suddenly realized that the behaviors of reliance and me "taking care of" were getting played out in other ways - my having to remind him not to eat this or that, that it was time for his insulin, that we needed to make a doctor's appointment. He also didn't take any responsibility for money, and although he contributed, all the responsibility was mine. It didn't feel like a relationship with another grown up. It felt like I was parenting. (we were close to the same age, so that wasn't a factor)
At any rate, to make a long story short, we had a big argument, and he ended up leaving. Both of us said horrible things to each other. One of the things he threatened that night was that he was going to go drink, and commit suicide.
We all know how manipulative those words are, and we have all been warned not to allow them to impact our choice to let someone leave. I think that - on these boards - there are a lot of wise people who have heard that threat over and over.
Well, my guy did. He started drinking again, and then two months later, had an extreme snowmachine (that's snow-mobile to everyone who isn't living in Alaska) accident while driving drunk. It was in a remote place, so it is only by chance that he didn't freeze to death. He was finally rescued and was in a coma for a month, emerging with severe traumatic brain injury. He had to be taken legal custody of by his parents (he was in his 40s) and placed in an adult care home.
I went through all sorts of feelings about this. Guilt, trauma, worry, anger. Now, I can say that - from the distance of two years - I don't feel any of that anymore.
Couples break up. Couples have uncomfortable conversations. Couples say "no" to each other when asked unreasonable requests. Couples break up.
Especially when there are issues of substance abuse, mistrust, manipulation, etc.
If someone chooses to sink into their addiction and/or kill themselves (and I am convinced this was an intentional suicide attempt because he had always described his intended suicide this way) - we have absolutely no control. To allow that threat (or reality) to manipulate us does leave us in bondage.
The only thing you have to decide is whether you are ready to draw a boundary about his being in the home drunk or high.
What happens when he is turned away belongs entirely to him.
If he remains living with you, but smoking crack (especially with a dire lung condition) - guess what - he's probably going to die anyway. Right there. On the couch.
I am an addict and an alcoholic. I come over to this side of the forum because I am also attracted to relationships with other addicts and so have to deal with codependency issues also. From my perspective, if he can lie to you and steal from you, he has no place in your home. You deserve to be safe, respected and loved.
He is killing himself right now with toxic poison. It is suicidal behavior. He has given up, and now - barring recovery - that is where this story is going. You can save yourself and your life, you cannot save him... Even doctors telling him this will kill him won't stop him...
So, yes, it is a fear that something horrible will happen to this man you love. But something horrible is already happening. Is happening now.
Every human being on this planet experiences and survives loss. When that loss happens, you will experience it and survive it. You do not need to be audience to it.
I worried about him a lot in the relationship, partially because he had Type 1 Diabetes, which he did not manage well, even in sobriety. Twice during our relationship he fell into a diabetic coma, and I had to call paramedics to revive him.
As the engagement moved toward plans of marraige, I had a revelation. I had been really excited that this time I had not chosen an addict or alcoholic to be in relationship with; I suddenly realized that the behaviors of reliance and me "taking care of" were getting played out in other ways - my having to remind him not to eat this or that, that it was time for his insulin, that we needed to make a doctor's appointment. He also didn't take any responsibility for money, and although he contributed, all the responsibility was mine. It didn't feel like a relationship with another grown up. It felt like I was parenting. (we were close to the same age, so that wasn't a factor)
At any rate, to make a long story short, we had a big argument, and he ended up leaving. Both of us said horrible things to each other. One of the things he threatened that night was that he was going to go drink, and commit suicide.
We all know how manipulative those words are, and we have all been warned not to allow them to impact our choice to let someone leave. I think that - on these boards - there are a lot of wise people who have heard that threat over and over.
Well, my guy did. He started drinking again, and then two months later, had an extreme snowmachine (that's snow-mobile to everyone who isn't living in Alaska) accident while driving drunk. It was in a remote place, so it is only by chance that he didn't freeze to death. He was finally rescued and was in a coma for a month, emerging with severe traumatic brain injury. He had to be taken legal custody of by his parents (he was in his 40s) and placed in an adult care home.
I went through all sorts of feelings about this. Guilt, trauma, worry, anger. Now, I can say that - from the distance of two years - I don't feel any of that anymore.
Couples break up. Couples have uncomfortable conversations. Couples say "no" to each other when asked unreasonable requests. Couples break up.
Especially when there are issues of substance abuse, mistrust, manipulation, etc.
If someone chooses to sink into their addiction and/or kill themselves (and I am convinced this was an intentional suicide attempt because he had always described his intended suicide this way) - we have absolutely no control. To allow that threat (or reality) to manipulate us does leave us in bondage.
The only thing you have to decide is whether you are ready to draw a boundary about his being in the home drunk or high.
What happens when he is turned away belongs entirely to him.
If he remains living with you, but smoking crack (especially with a dire lung condition) - guess what - he's probably going to die anyway. Right there. On the couch.
I am an addict and an alcoholic. I come over to this side of the forum because I am also attracted to relationships with other addicts and so have to deal with codependency issues also. From my perspective, if he can lie to you and steal from you, he has no place in your home. You deserve to be safe, respected and loved.
He is killing himself right now with toxic poison. It is suicidal behavior. He has given up, and now - barring recovery - that is where this story is going. You can save yourself and your life, you cannot save him... Even doctors telling him this will kill him won't stop him...
So, yes, it is a fear that something horrible will happen to this man you love. But something horrible is already happening. Is happening now.
Every human being on this planet experiences and survives loss. When that loss happens, you will experience it and survive it. You do not need to be audience to it.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Daisy...
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you've gone from lurking to posting, and my hope is the time you spend with us will both comfort you and inform you.
Although, I must say from what you've described, you're at a point where you're believing what your eyes are telling you. To wit:
Let's walk through this, Daisy. Being in prison has not stopped him from using. A diagnosis of lung disease as a result of his using has not stopped him. A trip to the ICU and his kidneys on the brink of shutting down have not stopped him from using. So ask yourself whether you putting him to the curb will make any difference. You know what the answer is.
And if his body finally gives up the ghost after 30+ years of abuse, it sure as hell ain't gonna be your fault.
I'm of the opinion that when God puts us on this earth, He's given us free reign in terms of how we live our lives. We have Free Will. And what has your husband done with this gift? What do your eyes tell you?
You've been devoted to a man who has chosen time and time again to stay on a path to self destruction. Yes, we love who we love. But it is time that you start looking after you.
Since you've been lurking, you probably know there are others amongst us who've been where you are. Some of them have survived to tell the tale. Others are still in the thick of it like you are. All of them have your pain, anger and confusion in common. You're not alone. Keeping coming back, keep posted, keep learning.
And again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm glad you've gone from lurking to posting, and my hope is the time you spend with us will both comfort you and inform you.
Although, I must say from what you've described, you're at a point where you're believing what your eyes are telling you. To wit:
I know I should put him to the curb, I do, I KNOW this. However, like so many others the thought of him being found dead is too heavy of a cross for me to bear at this point.
And if his body finally gives up the ghost after 30+ years of abuse, it sure as hell ain't gonna be your fault.
I'm of the opinion that when God puts us on this earth, He's given us free reign in terms of how we live our lives. We have Free Will. And what has your husband done with this gift? What do your eyes tell you?
You've been devoted to a man who has chosen time and time again to stay on a path to self destruction. Yes, we love who we love. But it is time that you start looking after you.
Since you've been lurking, you probably know there are others amongst us who've been where you are. Some of them have survived to tell the tale. Others are still in the thick of it like you are. All of them have your pain, anger and confusion in common. You're not alone. Keeping coming back, keep posted, keep learning.
And again, Welcome to the Board.
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Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
However, like so many others the thought of him being found dead is too heavy of a cross for me to bear at this point.
nothing, absolutely NOTHING you have done for him so far has changed a thing. for him. it HAS however made your own life a living hell.
love doesn't HURT. not like this. so one could argue this is not love, not HEALTHY love anyways. just trying to keep someone from doing what they fully intend to do isn't love.....it's about control.
he is who he is. he has a LONG, lifelong history of drug abuse, incarceration and using...drugs and others. cutting him loose won't kill him.....his own choices might. each person has the inalienable right to live their life as THEY choose, no one else.
you are in bondage and you can free yourself....at any time. and live YOUR OWN one special glorious life. and not have to worry about someone stealing your purse, your keys, your money.
nothing, absolutely NOTHING you have done for him so far has changed a thing. for him. it HAS however made your own life a living hell.
love doesn't HURT. not like this. so one could argue this is not love, not HEALTHY love anyways. just trying to keep someone from doing what they fully intend to do isn't love.....it's about control.
he is who he is. he has a LONG, lifelong history of drug abuse, incarceration and using...drugs and others. cutting him loose won't kill him.....his own choices might. each person has the inalienable right to live their life as THEY choose, no one else.
you are in bondage and you can free yourself....at any time. and live YOUR OWN one special glorious life. and not have to worry about someone stealing your purse, your keys, your money.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Jun 2012
Location: FL
Posts: 2
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
However, like so many others the thought of him being found dead is too heavy of a cross for me to bear at this point.
nothing, absolutely NOTHING you have done for him so far has changed a thing. for him. it HAS however made your own life a living hell.
love doesn't HURT. not like this. so one could argue this is not love, not HEALTHY love anyways. just trying to keep someone from doing what they fully intend to do isn't love.....it's about control.
he is who he is. he has a LONG, lifelong history of drug abuse, incarceration and using...drugs and others. cutting him loose won't kill him.....his own choices might. each person has the inalienable right to live their life as THEY choose, no one else.
you are in bondage and you can free yourself....at any time. and live YOUR OWN one special glorious life. and not have to worry about someone stealing your purse, your keys, your money.
nothing, absolutely NOTHING you have done for him so far has changed a thing. for him. it HAS however made your own life a living hell.
love doesn't HURT. not like this. so one could argue this is not love, not HEALTHY love anyways. just trying to keep someone from doing what they fully intend to do isn't love.....it's about control.
he is who he is. he has a LONG, lifelong history of drug abuse, incarceration and using...drugs and others. cutting him loose won't kill him.....his own choices might. each person has the inalienable right to live their life as THEY choose, no one else.
you are in bondage and you can free yourself....at any time. and live YOUR OWN one special glorious life. and not have to worry about someone stealing your purse, your keys, your money.
Member
Join Date: Jan 2011
Posts: 1,243
We become addicted to the addict...human crack complete with huge chemical dumps in our own brains. I know I was way more sick that my qualifier.
My XA also had numerous jail stints, hospital visits, even surgery for his heart from his addiction and drug use as well as numerous rehab stays. As a chronic relapser we always ended up back at square one which was insanity times 10.
Eventually, after years of "nothing changing if nothing changes" I gave up and gave him over to His higher power knowing he was going to die...but he didn't. He bounced around the country, hit a few more jails, got sober a few times and now he is in a residential program again.
I am hopeful for him because it wasn't a judge, court order or family forcing his sobriety...he initiated this and he appears to be more serious and committed than ever...probably because of his latest heart scare and his aging out maybe.
Had we not turned over to himself and his higher power to sort it out he wouldn't have found his own way out. In his case tough love was his last chance... hovering, helicoptering, running interference and putting out fires just reinforces that relapses and addictive behavior do not have consequences that deter.
Boundary setting for you would be very healthy for all concerned...it could be the catalyst that sets recovery in motion. Or...it could go the other way...but do really want to keep doing this relationship as it has been going? You deserve peace, joy and happiness. That isn't possible with an active user...
My XA also had numerous jail stints, hospital visits, even surgery for his heart from his addiction and drug use as well as numerous rehab stays. As a chronic relapser we always ended up back at square one which was insanity times 10.
Eventually, after years of "nothing changing if nothing changes" I gave up and gave him over to His higher power knowing he was going to die...but he didn't. He bounced around the country, hit a few more jails, got sober a few times and now he is in a residential program again.
I am hopeful for him because it wasn't a judge, court order or family forcing his sobriety...he initiated this and he appears to be more serious and committed than ever...probably because of his latest heart scare and his aging out maybe.
Had we not turned over to himself and his higher power to sort it out he wouldn't have found his own way out. In his case tough love was his last chance... hovering, helicoptering, running interference and putting out fires just reinforces that relapses and addictive behavior do not have consequences that deter.
Boundary setting for you would be very healthy for all concerned...it could be the catalyst that sets recovery in motion. Or...it could go the other way...but do really want to keep doing this relationship as it has been going? You deserve peace, joy and happiness. That isn't possible with an active user...
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