tnwife

Okay my RAH, got sober and left as I have mentioned before. I just feel like I was a convenience for him. Am I talking like a victim bc I know I am not. I participated once I learned the truth about his addiction. My whole world revolved around him. Ive been involved with Al Anon and recently started working the steps. I'm having such a hard time with this separation. I just don't understand how a person can go from going on family vacation to leaving in a week. He tells me that he has resentments and does not want to work on marriage. He says he is going through midlife crisis. 34 yrsold. I'm just like okay.I feel that he didn't want the responsibility of wife and kids. I supported him throughout many rehabs and was there when no one else was. I thought I was doing what a supportive wife does but I know I enabled as well. I was also working full time working on master's degree and raising 4 kids. He has basically shut me and my kids off. I just don't understand how does a person just leave their wife and kids?

jadealexander

Maybe he really isn't sober or isn't ready to be sober. My boyfriend always went no contact and it would destroy me. Once he entered into recovery he made me aware it was easier to use without having to try and prove anything to me. He couldn't make me happy at the time and didn't want to see me disappointed. Focus on you and your kids. And maybe down the road he will seek recovery and want to be a family again. But right now it is out of your control. However you can control yourself and what you do especially when it comes to your children.

Ann

Whatever his reasons or excuses however lame...if he has children he needs to pay child support.

Please get legal advice and make sure your rights and the rights of you children are protected.

I am sorry this is all painful for you, please try to stay busy and not think too hard because that can make us obsess and remain sad.

Hugs

zoso77

There is a difference between "sober" and "abstaining but not in recovery". This is an important distinction. To me, I suspect your husband fits the latter description.

Yikes. Talk about cognitive dissonance. Unfortunately, with addicts and alcoholics, cognitive dissonance is the exception rather than the norm.

In order for you to be steady and sane for both yourself and your 4 kids, I encourage you to take him at his word. Even without addiction issues in the picture, someone that mercurial cannot be trusted as a spouse. Nor can he be trusted as a parent. Unfortunately, this means you're going to have to sit with a lot of feelings you don't want to sit with. And that sucks big time. But for the sake of you kids, you need to push forward.

I am relieved and thankful that you're in Al Anon and you're posting here and seeking support. During times like these, we can't be islands. We need to lean on people. My hope is you're open to the compassion and the support others give you during this time.

And I also hope that, when the time is right, you return to graduate school.

Be safe.

tnwife

I graduated in May!!!!! thank the lord. what is cognitive dissonance?

zoso77

I graduated with my MSEE in May 2013. Welcome to the club.

The best way I can describe cognitive dissonance is your brain hurts when someone we care about goes from being seemingly committed to us one second, and then the next second, they're gone. And we're left going

It doesn't make sense, and the reason why it doesn't make sense is because it's highly irrational behavior.

But what you have to remember is he's an addict, and this is what addicts do. You can't go down that rabbit hole, trying to figure out something that defies all logic and reason. Chalk it up to he's an addict, this is what addicts do, and be done with it.

Otherwise, you'll drive yourself f**king nuts. You can't afford that.

tnwife

yeah you're right. It just hurts. but I guess I gotta do what I gotta do.

heartcore

Zozo-

I love the term "cognitive dissonance.". I think it describes the experience of being in relationship with an addict or alcoholic perfectly.

The words are at odds with reality. The head hears, but the heart experiences something entirely different.

I've spent a fair amount of time trying to understand addict behaviors, until I learned that you can't make sense of things that make no sense.

I also love the word "mercurial.". You're having a perfect describing word sort of day, aren't you..

Thank you.