James86

After four months, my drug addicted ex boyfriend reached out to me, but only because he wants to get more of his belongings and a cat we shared together.

However, I don't believe he, a person who is in active addiction at this time, should be allowed to take care of an animal. It's not my say in how he lives his life or if he has a pet, but I don't feel comfortable handing over a pet WE shared to a man who is in full-blown addiction.

Of course, when I said this, he argued with me and began cursing, saying it was his cat before we moved in together.

[A bit of history -- we dated for 8 years. He got the cat when he lived at home, but we were dating at the time. We lived together the last 3 years of our relationship and shared the cat. We also have a dog together, but I suppose he's not trying on that one because we purchased him together.]

He also wants the rest of his belongings -- personal photos, family heirlooms (all the important stuff I held on to in hopes he would get better and wouldn't destroy in the process of being in active addiction).

I don't want to hand them over I know that's probably not right, but I guess I don't want to feel like our relationship is really over. I had hope that he'd seek recovery and realize the mistake he made.

Anyway, what are your thoughts on the cat and his belongings? Most of my friends and his family say do not let him have an animal, but allow him to make the decision on the belongings. And perhaps tell him why I wanted to hold on to them, because I know how important they are to him and wouldn't want anything to happen to them.

He was supposed to reach back to me the next day to "plan a day to discuss it all," but of course he took 5 days to get back to me because he's been "swamped at work." I suppose that's code for getting high. When we do talk, though, is it worth trying to have a heart-to-heart with him? Or do I just not fight it and let him hit bottom on his own?

jadealexander

I wouldn't lose hope on your relationship as long as nothing else happened. No abuse or cheating. If his addiction is the only reason you two are not together. Then stay focused on you for now but know if he seeks recovery maybe you can have a relationship again. My ex used to leave some things purposely in my car in hopes we would have to see each other and we weren't really over. He finally sought treatment and I believe one reason he did was bc I gave him back all his stuff and stopped enabling him. For the cat, who has paid the vet bills?..the cat food? I think the cat should stay with u but I can see why u are wondering if he should have the cat since he did have him at his home first. Stay positive focus on you. I'm sure you will get more responses.

James86

I've been financially supporting the cats need since as long as I can remember. Plus he left for four months without even mentioning her.

And he did cheat on me. He's currently living with the drug addict he met in NA and they're dating. My ex is 25 and his new bf is 19. They live in the 19yo's family's house.

suki44883

You don't really have the right to keep his personal property from him. If he loses them or sells them or hocks them, that is his business.

As far as the cat goes, I would continue to keep it as long as possible. You might be able to reason with him about the cat and offer to give it to him when he is more settled, but when it comes right down to it, his personal property is his.

zoso77

James, if he wants his stuff, he wants his stuff.

Sorry to see you're still struggling with all of this.

James86

Yeah as much as it hurts, I do agree. I don't want to be an evil person and keep his stuff hostage.

zoso77

"Evil" isn't the right word. "Immature" may be more appropriate, but is still a tad strong.

Is he still with the 19 year old?

jadealexander

Okay I think it's time to move on with your life. Yes maybe he is just dating the other guy bc he has a place to stay probe for free. But he had no concern for your feelings. Addiction or no addiction he is a person and he is proving to you he isn't the best person for you. Give him his stuff. Keep the cat. And move on I'm sure you will meet someone who will respect your feelings.

James86

Yes he is still with the 19 year old. His mom says he has insinuated he's not too into the new guy. But who knows how truthful that is.

zoso77

You know...

Even when addiction issues aren't in the picture, losing someone you care about is an incredibly hard thing to do, and accepting that person's gone is even harder. So, I empathize.

But you know what? It's part of life. A nasty, painful, ugly part of life, but a part of life none the less. There comes a time when we have to push forward. I've had to do it, and it sucked. Still sucks in a way, as this girl still occupies a big chunk of my heart. But she's gone, and for me, life goes on. It does for you, too.

That doesn't mean you'll like doing it, or you'll feel better right away. But may I gently suggest he's not coming back...and although you don't believe this, that's a good thing. My hope is in time, as the pain subsides (and it will) you'll recognize this, too.

KariSue

I would give him his belongings but keep the cat. What can he do about it? Take you to court claiming it was his? Not likely that would happen. But even if that unlikely scenario came about if he left it for 4 months then he abandoned it and you would probably have the right to it.

Kari

AnvilheadII

give him his stuff and tell him the cat ran away.

liv1ce

I thought there was something familiar in your post so looked up your other threads. There is a commonality to them indicative of your struggle to give this guy up and move on with your life. You are searching for someone to tell you that it will be OK and some day he will come back. The belongings are a way to exert some type of control over a relationship that is hopeless. You cannot effect him or his actions but you can withhold something he HAS indicated he cares for and therefore directly effect him. Or maybe hurt him in return.

It is not an uncommon feeling as can be seen in the friends and families forum where the damage we do is so obvious. The problem is - as has been said multiple times - that when an addict is actively drugging he/she is blind to the damage to him/her self and others along the way.

I believe you are reaching for/clinging to something that no longer exists. Even if somehow, some way you could bring him back and clean him up the statistics are almost impossible that he would stay that way. Do you really want an entire lifetime of misery?

I guess we each have our own withdrawal to go through and you may very well need to get started with yours.

ItsNowOrNever32

I share a puppy with my partner and there's no way I'd let him anywhere near him while he was actively using.. He'd always be on the phone demanding the dog when we'd had a bust up but he had no chance.. He couldn't look after himself never mind the dog.. Keep the cat but As hard as it is you should give his other things back though, when I gave my OH his birth certificate and ******** back it was a wake up call to him that I was serious about moving on.. he's now in detox and heading to rehab

ItsNowOrNever32

why has pass port been blocked?

legna

If he has a legitimate claim to the cat, then using his active addiction as an excuse to not hand the cat over is controlling imo. An addict in active addiction can still father a child, which is worse (in most peoples opinion but I'm a cat person so it's a coin flip for me ) and you wouldn't try to keep his child... I hope.

On the other hand, I don't think he has a legitimate claim to the cat after abandoning it for four months. He thinks he does. Personally, if it were me, I'd offer to buy the cat from him. If a conflict between two people can be solved and put behind you from the passing of a small green piece of paper with a 20 on it - then I'm all for it.

hopeful4

I would hand over the stuff and keep the cat. Keeping the stuff is manipulation, keeping the cat is keeping it safe.

Good Luck!

anattaboy

I would tell him you are waiting to hear from an anonymous forum before making up your mind.

James86

I'm really struggling here. It's been a while since I posted. I still go to Naranon meetings and try to keep myself busy with work and friends. And sometimes I think it's so easy to move on from my ex. But then it comes in waves and there are days where I can't even function without crying.

I just found out that my ex MARRIED the guy he left me for. We were together for YEARS and YEARS (8 to be exact). And he married this 19-year-old kid, less than two months after i kicked him out. And I only kicked him out because I was hoping he would change and fight to get me back. Instead, he shacked up with another drug addict, whom he cheated on me with, and now they're married.

Can someone please explain this to me and tell me it's not a real marriage? Like they won't last, right?

GardenMama

James, now is the time to work on yourself and let go of your addict exBF. I am sorry for your pain--it is real and important and sad-- but you need to move on starting today. Who cares if their marriage will last? You ex is in no shape to be a partner to anyone. Focus on that. And the cat.