Enabler1

My AS son called from residential, along w/his counselor on speaker phone indicating he was being discharged Thursday. Counselor said my 21 y.o wants to do it his way, and asked me what I want from son. I said 1 year in halfway house, Ft job, and clean and sober. Counselor said my son was not making calls to halfway house, and as a result he won't have a spot for 3-4 days after discharge. Son is already being a jerk and wants his car. I was pretty tough, and said he would have to figure it out. I did drive out to his residential today, with cigs, and more clothes, for cooler weather, and about $40 dollars. He is still blaming me, and in the in today's mail I have received another ambulance bill from Sept 6th, for another overdose. This comes to 5 ambulance bills this year, totaling thousands of dollars, + rehab, and halfway house bills from earlier. I told my son, I want very little contact with him for several months and that I am not going to watch him die. He is just not getting any of this. He just wants his car, and money from me. He thinks he can't get a job w/out a car. I want to cancel his phone too, but probably should not do that if he is looking for a job. He was being such a jerk on the phone, sarcastic, and blaming. Ugh!!!!!

zoso77

Does this surprise you? It shouldn't. If you read enough posts here, you'll find similar tales of addicts with the self awareness of a gnat.

Part of the blame game is because he is terrified to look in the mirror. It's a lot of work to become a responsible adult under the best of circumstances. Once you convolve addiction into the mix, that learning curve becomes much more difficult. It's easier just to numb himself.

So, what to do? I encourage you to look at how you've handled things before, and come to an understanding why things didn't work out the way you would have liked. It's not because you don't love him, or want the best for him. It's because he's sick and impervious to whatever love and support you've given him. Until he decides to get honest with himself, that will not change.

Reconsider your boundaries, keeping in mind that you may have to do things you don't want to do in order to be well.

Finally, seek out the counsel of members like Ann and pay real close attention to what she shares with you. There is hope for you, and that hope does not depend on whether or not your son is using or not.

God Bless.

AnvilheadII

but probably should not do that if he is looking for a job

right. I BET he's putting a ton of effort into that job search.

DJ0822

" He is just not getting any of this. He just wants his car, and money from me. He thinks he can't get a job w/out a car. I want to cancel his phone too, but probably should not do that if he is looking for a job. He was being such a jerk on the phone, sarcastic, and blaming. Ugh!!!!!"

So he's being discharged. What has he done to earn use of a car, phone, warm clothes & money from mom? Acted like a jerk, sarcastic, blaming? From one momma to another, you are meeting his needs. He's 21, capable of meeting his own needs. Why would you continue to do this for someone who clearly isn't exhibiting any sober traits - humility, gratitude, respect.

sorry if this sounds harsh, but you cannot cushion his fall. Let him fall. Hard. Then he may have a different attitude.

GardenMama

It is hard to be a parent of an addict, very hard, but I agree with the other folks here. Just let him fall. He doesn't need anything more from you except your love. And love in this case does not involve money, car, warm clothes, etc. I have always paid for my daughter's cell phone because I wanted her to be able to call me. She is never verbally abusive on the phone because she knows I will turn it off if she disrespects me.

Learning to say "you cannot speak to me that way" and "you cannot treat me that way" is essential to your recovery from co-dependency.

My RAD is also 21. Two years ago she thought she could "work her program her way," but what that usually means is that the addict is not ready to quit. And she fell right back in to severe addiction, masked by lies, by traveling far from home, etc. Her recovery this time looks different because she is taking all the advice of counselors, her sponsor, etc. I had to let her go. No money, no rescuing, no food, no housing, no food/gift cards (they sell them for drugs). Nothing.

Let him leave treatment. If he is ready to try it on his own, let him succeed or fail on his own.

If you feel guilty about him not having a car, just think about the innocent people he could kill when driving high. That should help your resolve. Stick with the plan you stated above before you ever consider a car as helpful. Lots of people get and keep employment without cars, regardless of where they live.

Take care of yourself today! Keep reading here and keep us posted.

atalose

Enabler1, stick around and keep posting and next time you won’t drive out to meet him anywhere or give him cash or feel the need to talk to him face to face.

That may sound harsh, you’re a mom and worry, that’s why you brought him warm clothes but the more we do for them on any level the less they do for themselves.

incitingsilence

Keep things simple.

If he isn’t ready then he isn’t ready.
If he wants to do this on his own, then he does. It will be a learning experience especially if everyone else can let him do just that … have a go of it on his own.

Take solace in that he knows where the help is and has some education of how to help himself. This is a plus!

And then you work on what is actually his. If the car is his, then it is his car. It can’t nor should it be a bargaining tool. So if it’s his he should have it. If he is on your car insurance get him off. At 21 he is a big boy who can find a way to get his own.

If the phone is his meaning he pays you can’t cancel it, but if you are paying then I would ask why? And I only say that because I will not be paying for a cell phone for any of my children and haven’t and guess what they all from like age 12 figured out a way to get and pay for their own.

In terms of medical bills, again he is 21 this is not your responsibility even if he is on your insurance. He is an adult and can and should be responsible for his bills.

You are not obligated to do anything for him because he is most capable of doing for himself. Also he can earn his own money, and even get a job in active addiction if he choose to. I know my son did but then no one was giving him anything.

I kept it very simple. Anything that was my sons meaning he was given it as a present or brought it by himself was his and he had every right in the world not to only want his things but do as he wished with them. I watched my son sell almost all of his possessions that he worked so hard for to buy drugs. It surely made sense because he was an addict.

Take good care of you and get yourself some help and support. This is the best gift you could ever give to him.

I will keep good thoughts for him.

Enabler1

Thanks. The car is in my name, I leased it for him to drive. I am paying payments & insurance. Which is high because of DUIs. I have a feeling he is going to show up at my house, because he said he "would rather be homeless in his village, instead of 30 miles away. His dad is picking him up. What do I do if his dad drops him at my house?

I let his probation officer know he is out and homeless as he waits for a space at HW house. How do you all do this?!!

zoso77

Simple. Tell his father under no circumstances will he drop your son off at your house.

The best word in the English language only has two letters: no. Start using it.

incitingsilence

So the car then is yours, not his. And he has no right to it.

And I do hope you took Zoso's advice about telling his dad to not drop him off there.

Enabler1

My son has been calling me all day, finally blocked his calls. He asked me to go get his drivers license that he left at a police station 3 weeks ago!!! If he can get Heroin, he can go pick up his drivers license. I just can't believe I have been so clueless. What would parents do if your addict shows up at your front door?

zoso77

Don't beat yourself up.

Plenty of moms have been exactly where you are in the past. Plenty of moms will be exactly where you are in the future. Any past mistakes will prove valuable if you choose to learn from them.

sojourner

Enabler1: What to do if he shows up at the front door.

Open the door, step onto the porch, cup his face in your hands, look him in the eyes with as much compassion as you can muster, tell him you love him, and tell him that until he has embraced a life of recovery that he is not welcome in your home again. Then step back into the house and close the door.

If his tantrum after that goes too long or gets too destructive then call the police. Do not tell him you are going to call the police. Just call the police and stay inside.

That is how we do it remembering the whole time that others have done it before us, that this is the advice given by recovering addicts to us, that it is the best thing for our adult children and for us and for the rest of our family.

And come back here often. You are going to need it, and we have the ESH here to help you and encourage you.

hopeful4

Let's stop thinking about what HE wants and think about what YOU want and need. The rehab place is paid to have the focus on him, it's part of their job. Of course they are going to reach out to any resource he may have. That does not have to be you.

XXX So sorry.

Enabler1

Thanks. He did come to the house, and tried looking for some of his things. Headphones, etc. I followed him around the house. He looked ok, hands were shaking, but clear eyed. I didn't engage, or ask where he was staying. He insisted I drive out to another suburb, off the "heroin highway" to a police station to pick up his drivers license. I just paid for a replacement a few weeks ago! I have a feeling it involves paying for a fine, and I told him to figure it out. I am still isolating, tho. It has helped me to come to this site. I need face -to- face tho.

bookreader

Enabler -- Al Anon meetings have been very helpful to me. Always remember: you didn't cause it, you can't control it, and you can't cure it - the 'it' being the freaking addiction.
You are doing great by reaching out to this community and, yes, face to face support will help you immensely. For most of us parents, this is uncharted territory and we need the guidance and absolute support of others. You will find that here - from the gentle and wise words from Anne to the 'tell it like it is' advice from zoso and anvillhead. It is all valuable and useful.
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