yumbby

Hey,
My fiancé of three years is recently sober and going to NA meetings and church every night. I hope this dosent offend any of the religious people on this forum but i'm so confused. I"ve lived thru so much hell and turmoil with him and all I wanted was for him to sober up. So long story short, he has jumped on the religion train with both feet. Not just any religion, rolling in they aisles, getting the holy spirit, speaking in tongues, religion. That's fine. I'm not gonna tell anyone how to live their life. But It affects me deeply. I guess its just the extremes that bother me. Now, we can't watch anything that isn't pg or ever have another drink, or curse. That's fine, but I'm walking on eggshells all the time now. No regular radio. Gospel only. I can't handle the black and white. I know I sound like a spoiled child, but has anyone else ever struggled with the dramatic changes and struggled to find where you fit into their new life? He has always been deeply religious, but I guess I'm more in the middle, balance everything, moderation in everything. I'm not sure I can follow him down this road. Feeling defeated and really sad.

coraltint

Early sobriety is a very volatile place....the recovering addict/alcoholic is trying to find some way to stay sane without his chemical blankie. If he's really working a program, eventually the extremes will even out & he'll see that his over-zealousness in early recovery was difficult for you...that's kind of a big IF, I've found.

If you want to hang in to see if that IF ever comes around, I suggest some Alanon or CoDA meetings for you. They will help you take care of yourself without having to be on his early sobriety roller coaster.

Good Luck!

yumbby

I guess its that in my codependency I gave everything I had when he was using until the last straw and he sought help. Now its like I have nothing left and he wants me to give up that last piece of myself to this ultra strict religion and I can't give up that one last piece of myself and I feel like that's what he is asking of me. I know what I need to do. Its just with a heavy heart and much tears in my soul that I know I have to take the next step.

zoso77

Yumbby...

This is a very personal decision that's at your doorstep. As Coraltint noted, the early days of sobriety are very volatile, and while I'm not in his head, it's possible he's being rigid because he doesn't know of any other way to stay on the right path.

You have to really get honest with yourself and ask yourself if you can go along for the ride. We can't answer that question for you.

mfanch

If I were deeply religious and got clean from my addiction, I would go right back to my religion stuff. Sounds like that is what he did. Hopefully he will mellow a little, but what are YOU going to do about YOUR recovery. Egg shells don't sound fun to me, so don't walk on them. Live YOUR truth, whatever that may be.

yumbby

Do ya'll think I'm too far out there if I feel that he has just replaced one addictive behavior with the other? I'm so frustrated that he can't just be balanced in stuff. No. Its ten million percent with anything he does.

hopeful4

Some people have an addictive type of personality, so whatever they do they do it a million percent. My XH is like that, combined with some OCD and other mental issues like a cherry on top. The thing about that type of personality is that is who they are. It's not going to change, so only you can decide if you can live with it.

XXX

Chino

He's discovering what works for him. What have you discovered that works for you?

zoso77

Well, like I said, you have some decisions at your doorstep.

What I will say is if you're expecting him to have any sort of balance in the near term, you will be disappointed.

You have an opportunity to examine what your needs are and to reassess whether or not he's a viable partner in marriage. You may not want the opportunity, but at the same time, if you were convinced he is the one, you wouldn't be posting what you're posting.

What's best for you? And be mindful that what you want and what's best for you may be two totally different things.

mejo

I totally agree with this statement.

gabriel01

I asked this same question when my ABF starts getting sober last year. I felt like I was losing him from one addiction (drug & alcohol) to another addiction (meetings).

I remembered one response said "addicts often don't have limit & boundary, they like "extremes"". It's so truth. In all positive & negative impacts in their life. They have to learn how to live a normal life. It sounds easy, but really not for them. They really have to learn from like a newborn of how live a normal, responsible life.

Anyway, listens to some of the responses here. meanwhile, it's the best time to take care of yourself and focus on yourself. You will figure it out when time is right.

yumbby

I just wanted to say how much I appreciate all of ya'lls responses. I'm taking them to heart and reading very carefully. Very grateful.

BlueChair

I think this does happen and its called cross addiction. But he may balance out in time also. Has he always been controlling ? I dont think you should be forced to live by his rules in terms of what music YOU listen to, what movies YOU watch, what kind of clothes YOU wear. Your an adult and have equal rights in the home. I do agree its probably best not to have alcohol in the house or to drink around him, but the other stuff ? What does he do when hes out in the real world and music is playing? He has to cope with it I would imagine. There are things you can do to help minimize I guess like use ear-buds, watch a movie in a different room or when hes not home. But in the end it will come down to how you want to live the rest of your life.

Ilovemysonjj

Hi Yummby, I got clean in 1986 and it was through a personal relationship with Jesus. It included a lot of extremes in the early years. I broke up with the boyfriend, I moved out of my drinking families house and into a very secular lifestyle for 2.5 years. I started dating in 1988 and married in late 1989. I normalized over time. one thing I will never regret is the choice to seek God in my recovery. My parents missed me for sure, but it changed me for the better. Give it a little time.

spia

My husband did the same before he relapsed. But, I think it was just him seeking what he knew worked for me. I have always been religious and that is how he was raised. He wants that part so bad too. And even now he is trying to get back to that place. It is all a process. But, you most certainly are not responsible for acting any certain way just to play by his rules.

ItsNowOrNever32

HI Yummby my brother became a born again Christian after a life of football violence, mad weekend binges out with the lads and plenty of drugs.. that was 20 years ago now and he's stronger than ever. I'm so proud of the way he lives his life always trying to do the right thing. He's in his "prayer closet" for hours on end praying for others. He's been married 35 years and his wife still isn't a believer although she's gone to church on occasion and tried to live the same life..(if it wasn't for my brothers faith they wouldn't be together) I also become a born again Christian although I find it really hard to commit to the whole lay your life down thing.. My other half is in detox at the moment and he's saying he's feeling some higher power. I really hope and prayer God turns his life around

I know its crazy and seems unbelievable to those who are watching him change but surely it's better than his past life? My brother has gone through hell over the past few years but his faith never waivers.

yumbby

I am struggling mightily to learn who I am and be an authentic person. I realize I've given every part of myself to this relationship until I don't even recognize myself anymore. So I'm doing lots of reading on codependency and learning a lot about myself. I see a huge struggle in front of me, and here I thought him getting sober was the battle. I think the real hard part is in front of us. sigh. Thanks for all your insights, very appreciated.