Karrets

Morning
I'm starting to crumble. The mornings are the worst. I want to text my husband to let him know I love him and that I'm not looking to divorce him and that I have hope. I haven't texted him but the pull to do it is overwhelming. I don't want him back the way he is. I want him to think he can still have a life with me if he cleans up. This is so hard any help would be appreciated xxx

Vale

I would give you some glib, self-serving pep talk (that the web-footed one
is so famous for around here)......but the humor I sometimes try to lighten up
the mood around here ......belies the deadly seriousness of the task at hand.

Separating from this deadly repeating cycle is one of the hardest things I've ever
had to do. Perhaps that is not as reassuring as you might have hoped for---but it is
honest.

And honesty (as I'm sure you have figured out by now) is not an element present
in that alternate universe called addiction. When you find yourself surrounded by the
honest and the REAL----only then will you know that you have escaped the repeating
nightmare that is addiction.

Best wishes to you, friend.

maia1234

ASk your self if you trust him and respect him..ask yourself if you would recommend him to your sister. my answers were no to all. That means I don't love him. I just need him. Fear of being alone.

I am going through the same thing I told my stbxah yesterday I need to cut all contact. no contact!!!
Its the only way for Co dependents to move forward..NC!!!!

I then find on his call log this am a 10 minute blocked call from last Night. his gf is the only one that blocks her calls just sucks! Stay strong. Tell your self that u can text in 1 hour. When your head calms down. Then u can give yourself sometime, to think straight. I need to move on to and I think you do to.. I even had a dream about him with a new girl friend last night. even when I am sleeping I am I am sick.

(((((((((((((((((((((((((((hugs))))))))))))))))))) )))))

Karrets

Bless you both. I haven't called him it would get me nothing but pain and a ticket to the roller coaster ride again. Xxxx thank you

Calmwater

Anytime I have given in and called my AH has only led to pain. The person we want to talk to isn't there anymore. I know it's really hard, but I think you're making the right choice. Hope you have a nice day.

maia1234

Your right calmwater the person we do want to talk to(the husbands we married) is
Not there anymore. He's someone else. Someone posted something
Yesterday about letting A's get help on there own. I will try Find
Find it to post it.

maia1234

Sound it and re posting it. It has a lot of truth to it.

If you love me let me fall all by myself. Don't try to spread a net out to catch me, don't throw a pillow under my a** to cushion the pain so I don't have to feel it, don't stand in the place I am going to land so that you can break the fall (allowing yourself to get hurt instead of me) ...

Let me fall as far down as my addiction is going to take me, let me walk the valley alone all by myself, let me reach the bottom of the pit ... trust that there is a bottom there somewhere even if you can't see it. The sooner you stop saving me from myself, stop rescuing me, trying to fix my broken-ness, trying to understand me to a fault, enabling me ...

The sooner you allow me to feel the loss and consequences, the burden of my addiction on my shoulders and not yours ... the sooner I will arrive ... and on time ... just right where I need to be ... me, alone, all by myself in the rubble of the lifestyle I lead ... resist the urge to pull me out because that will only put me back at square one ... If I am allowed to stay at the bottom and live there for awhile ...

I am free to get sick of it on my own, free to begin to want out, free to look for a way out, and free to plan how I will climb back up to the top. In the beginning as I start to climb out .. I just might slide back down, but don't worry I might have to hit bottom a couple more times before I make it out safe and sound ... Don't you see ?? Don't you know ?? You can't do this for me ... I have to do it for myself, but if you are always breaking the fall how am I ever suppose to feel the pain that is part of the driving force to want to get well. It is my burden to carry, not yours ...

I know you love me and that you mean well and a lot of what you do is because you don't know what to do and you act from your heart not from knowledge of what is best for me ... but if you truly love me let me go my own way, make my own choices be they bad or good ... don't clip my wings before I can learn to fly ... Nudge me out of your safety net ... trust the process and pray for me ... that one day I will not only fly, but maybe even soar.

Karrets

Good god l just read that and started crying at work. I hope he does get well and I hope he has the love for me to find me after a long clean time. However each day it feels more and more final.

zoso77

If you want to call him, then that's your decision. And however that decision turns out, you have to take ownership of it.

Karrets

Zoso I'm not willing to own his choices anymore. He is 36 and has the ability to get help if he chooses.

zoso77

What I mean, Karrets, is you have to own yours.

If you were to be honest with yourself, I bet you know deep down that if you called him, chances are it's not going to go the way you want it to go. You would be setting yourself up to get hurt.

Again.

But if you did call him, and it blew up in your face, then you have to own your decision to call him because you opened the door to being hurt.

Denial is a funny thing, and if I documented all the times I made decisions based on my heart and didn't pay attention to what I knew, we'd be here all day. There comes a time when we have to acknowledge that just because we want to do something doesn't mean we should.

Karrets

That's so true zoso... This time although it hurts I'm letting my head rule cause my heart can't take anymore pain.

hopeful4

Karrets, if you text him you are setting yourself up, and you are definitely smart enough to know that.

YOU AND YOUR DD DESERVE MORE.

Hugs. You can do this!

yumbby

I don't know if this is good advice but I have to treat this like an addiction when I do the same thing. I set my phone down and hurry up and go for a walk/run. take a shower. pop my rubber band, anything to break up that strong feeling I'm getting. If you want to call in two hours after clearing your head, revisit that idea.

Karrets

I think it's cause I want him to know he can come back when he is clean but if I do that he will take it as I'll do what I want til then and also my life is still on hold. I've decided to just not give into it. Xxx

hopeful4

Good for you. If you remind him he can come back when he is clean it is inviting him to lie to you. His actions over the course of a LONG time will show you if he is clean or not. You don't have to tell him anything, your actions will show what you want and need over time also.

I am proud of you Karrets, you are getting stronger and stronger, you can do this!

XX

ShootingStar1

In some ways, I think that the hoping is as emotionally devastating as the despair.

Take care of yourself,

ShootingStar1

Karrets

Thanks hopeful and everyone else. I haven't made it clear to him that he can come back I have said it's over and tips my parents etc. I was thinking if I tell him there is still hope he may think about recovery more.... what a dumb thing for me to think. It didn't make any difference the other times so why would it now.

hopeful4

Karrets....I think you should just stick to your side of the street and not worry so much about what he is thinking. Take all that energy and put it on you and your DD. You deserve that you know. You deserve to have the focus to be on you and finally find out what you need out of your life.

Don't let your boundaries slip. XXX

Karrets

I won't hopeful.... done that too many times. Thanks hundreds...If it means chopping my hands off I won't text him