scheherazade

Hi guys,

I posted a flurry of devastating and heartbroken threads here a few months ago, after breaking up with an AXBF, who I was very much in love with for a time, and have since gotten messages from many people saying they were going through the exact same thing and asking me how it was going.

I still read the forums now to check up on how everyone's doing, because as weird as it sounds, I care about you all and I'm so grateful for all the support I got. I'm writing now to offer encouragement for anyone who is in the same boat I was in a few months ago; that is, anyone who is thinking of leaving or who has left or been left by their ex.

If you're doubting if it gets better - it really, really does, with work and time.

I've gone no contact with the ex (who predictably did all the things addicts and exes do in frantic attempts to both get you back and hurt you - and it HURT, I won't lie to you), started therapy and am addressing the issues of my own which had me in such a destructive relationship in the first place. Later down the line, I found out the AXBF is probably also borderline, in conjunction with the heroin and alcohol dependency, which explains a lot.

Now I'm 3 months away from a Master's degree, have since gone on dates with lovely other men who have been nothing but kind and funny, am back in the gym and with my friends, and loving my work and applying for exciting new jobs and travelling again.

I don't hate my ex, far from it - I understand why he does drugs and I feel awful for him in how much he suffers from his disorder and the hurtful, self-destructive things it leads him to do, so I'm not demonizing addicts. I just finally got to the point where I started paying as much attention to how I was doing as how he was doing. And things are so much better for it.

I'm not saying all this to gloat, but for anyone seeking solace from the hell (and I know, it is SUCH hell) of a painful but necessary breakup with someone you love but who isn't capable of being a supportive partner, it does get better. I promise it does.

With love,
S.

hopeful4

What a wonderful update. Thank you for coming back and cheering us all on. It's always good to hear the positive!

Hugs! XX

Ann

Your recovery is shining here, those words summarize the path to healing, to our own recovery and to moving forward in peace.

I am so glad you came back to share this. You are truly a beacon of hope for those who feel lost and cannot find their way.

Thank you for sharing your heart and your story, it shows that as painful as it can be to step out of our situation, the pain does heal and better days await us all.

Hugs

jadealexander

Wow I appreciate what you said so much! Was it hard for you to leave? We're the thoughts of how you promised him you would stay and that if he sought treatment it could work out lingering in your mind? That's where I'm at right now. I have come to the reality I cannot have a future with someone in active addiction. And currently he is going to detox and hopefully rehab but I have seen failed attempts with him. I just don't want him to give up even more if I leave.

scheherazade

Yeah, it was hard to leave. That's an understatement. It was the hardest thing I've ever, ever done. For a while, I thought about my promises and the perpetual dangling carrot of the idea that *this* might be the last time I forgave him and he would actually be able to pull off being clean *this* time, for sure. And I went back more than a few times because of it.

At the end, what did it for me was too many lies, too many 'just one more chances', too many heartbreaks and a lot of support from people who allowed me to realize that his actions showed a person who was clearly not ready to love himself, much less love me.

I totally get where you're at in your situation, and only you can judge how your partner is doing. I can say, however, from experience that you shouldn't feel burdened to stay if it's because you think leaving is going to make him more likely to use. From what I've heard and what I've learned, external factors make relatively little difference in deciding whether to get clean or not - they have to want to do it for themselves, come hell or high water, or it'll never work.

I'm hoping for the best for you. PM me if you ever need to talk.

S.

smc92va

Thank you for sharing this. Your story really does give me hope and I needed to hear it tonight.

peacelovesober

What an inspiring update. I'm just so thankful that I logged in and read this. I need strength and courage because I feel like I have no other option but to do the same thing. I appreciate the hope because this is so hard. I have gone back on the roller coaster ride too many times.

scheherazade

It is, so so so so hard. Keep reading and finding courage from everyone here. If you can make it through the other side, you'll see - the road is rough, but the destination is so worth it.

peacelovesober

I love the feeling of knowing that even though I don't know any of y'all personally that we are all connected. Being the spouse of an addict has made me feel alone but its so helpful to know that there are so many others that are not just dealing with the same thing but conquering the codepency and coming out stronger than ever.

Its comforting to see the emotions and stages that others go through on this site. Don't get me wrong, I wish suffering on no-one but it's reality when drugs are a part of your life that it will be part of life. I love getting to know that its not so much what you go through but what we become from the struggles.

I'm feeling myself getting stronger each day and im dealing with setbacks much easier. It's a staggering reality but the sicker my husband gets the sicker I get. Just learning to heal myself and deal with my own issues is freedom for me.


I sincerely love each soul on this site. Thank you so much much

Yogagurl

Thank you so much for posting this. I have had to go no contact with the man I was with for four years and it hurts so much, for so many different reasons, on so many different levels. I am happy to hear it gets easier. I am even more pleased to hear you are meeting new and exciting people.

peacelovesober

I can't say that it's always easy for me now but I can say that the situations that used to send me into a tailspin don't have that same effect on me. I think as we grow in our own recovery the day to day things become easier to handle.

Its so hard with no contact. I have had to do it with my husband and that's no easy feat. Read these forums because the people here have a lot to offer and pray a lot is what I can tell you that has helped me. And take care of you. It might even sound harsh but I'm sure having a little solitude and serenity will feel awesome. Its like you miss them when they are gone but not having to deal with the constant demands, guilt trips, temper tantrums and the like is a refreshing change.

Hang in there yogagirl. ....... the universe has something beautiful planned just for you.