Why can't he see what he's doing to our marriage?

Old 09-14-2014, 05:26 PM
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Why can't he see what he's doing to our marriage?

I was encouraged to post here after sharing for the first time about my husband who is verbally abusive and addicted to pot. I moved out right before our 2 year anniversary bc his verbal abuse and pot use was out of control. It baffles me that the man I love so much would choose pot over our marriage. I guess I didn't realize how bad the addiction truly was until I asked him to stop and gave him the ultimatum of stopping the verbal abuse and pot or I would move out. It kills me that he doesn't think he's addicted. I have tried to ask his family for support with this and they don't want to help or face the issue. It seems that they're also afraid of his anger. He's not willing to change. Will he ever see the light? I'm realizing that this is not fixable. His last comment to me was that he would resent me for life for making him give up something that he loved and that it's over bc I'm not trustworthy bc I finally shared what he was doing to me with my family after 2 years of silence. Has anyone experienced a similar situation with a spouse? Thank you.
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Old 09-14-2014, 05:34 PM
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Sorry for the situation that you are in. Seems to me that he is a emotional abuser. With or without the pot, he would still blame you. I lived it for 30 years, I wished I could change and make it work but that would never happen.
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Old 09-14-2014, 05:37 PM
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Welcome Anita. I am glad you are here and posting , because so many people here will be able to share similar situations with you, believe me.

I am sorry that your husband is being abusive and using drugs. I can understand you not wanting this to be your life.

There are stories here posted for new comers to read.. called stickies... located at the top of the friends and families of substance abusers page.

I wish I could tell you whether he will ever see the light. He might. but the abuse, that is part of who he is, I am afraid. NO one deserves to be abused in any way.

I am glad you are here and you will find some awesome support from the folks here.

Chicory
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Old 09-14-2014, 05:46 PM
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Thank you Milesfromhome and Chicory! I'm so happy I found this site. Everyone has been so supportive. It's so easy to feel like you are the only one experiencing a situation like this. I honestly felt like I was the one going crazy until I started talking about it.
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Old 09-14-2014, 06:05 PM
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You are welcome, Anita. I tell you, this site has been a life saver for me. I get wonderful support, and listening to the experiences of others helps me to learn so much.

Its amazing here. lots of caring people.

Situations can make us feel crazy. But when you find out that many many others have gone through it, and how they came through it, it gives you hope.
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Old 09-14-2014, 06:52 PM
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Anita,

Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what's brought you here, but very grateful that you both found us and took the time to post.

It took a lot of courage on your part to both throw down a hard boundary with your AH and then, when he chose what he chose, follow through on your threat to leave. I'm sure that was very, very hard to do. But it was the right thing to do, for you.

As Chicory observed, it sounds like being abusive is part of his makeup. He is what he is, and unless he decides to work on changing his behavior, he simply won't. So you did the only thing you could do, which was remove yourself.

Will he ever see the light? I'm realizing that this is not fixable. His last comment to me was that he would resent me for life for making him give up something that he loved and that it's over bc I'm not trustworthy bc I finally shared what he was doing to me with my family after 2 years of silence.
He will only see the light if, and only if, he decides he's done. I think his remarks are highly manipulative and are the words of someone who chooses not to take responsibility. You can't change him. His family can't change him. No one can change him.

I encourage you to take this time to heal and to ask yourself how you want to live your life. And when you answer that question, you may find that your AH doesn't have a place in your life. But only you can answer that question.

Again, Welcome to the Board.
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Old 09-14-2014, 07:05 PM
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Well this is the situation I am facing too, except I'm not married to him. My bf's anger and mood swings in the past years were at my expense and dwindled away my esteem. It took me the last two years to grasp the damage and rebuild my confidence, which I am still doing daily. I thought I was going crazy too. Know that you are not alone. Your feelings and what you are going through are understood by many of us.

I am truly sorry that you are going through this. I feel and understand the hurt and pain you are going through from his use and verbal abuse.

Please work on taking care of yourself firstly. This is so important.

You can show and tell him about the effects from now until the end of time, but until he hits rock bottom and has some kind of awakening, nothing you say will work. The change will only come when he is ready :-(

You have come to the right place though. SR has given me a lot of insight, encouragement and support over the last few years.

Anita, you are in my thoughts and prayers.
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Old 09-15-2014, 07:15 AM
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Anita1234,

Welcome, I'm relatively new to the board. I am divorced from an alcoholic but also the mother of a heroin addict.

If you don't have children yet, I'd ponder very, very carefully if you want to continue in this relationship. There are few things worse than being married to an addict of any kind....having kids and being married is far far worse.

As you are take care of yourself, take time to step back and see things as they are.

qwer
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Old 09-15-2014, 11:22 AM
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I'm so sorry you're going through this friend. You guys are in my prayers today. Maybe God will help him see his need to change. Hang in there!
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Old 09-15-2014, 06:44 PM
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Thanks so much for the support everyone! I have to admit that the verbal abuse and pot use started before we were married. I was in love and thought that we could overcome both together. I feel so stupid now. I ignored major red flags. I thought I could help him to get over both issues. The first time that he called me a b*tch I insisted that we go to see a counselor. He promised that he would never do it again. It of course happened again and I continued to make excuses for him and his behavior. I would tell myself we had so many great times and the verbal abuse was not as frequent as the good times. Then, about a year into our marriage we started a business and with the stress of a new business the verbal abuse and pot use increased dramatically. Then, he started taking "pot pills" which I feel really intensified things, but he swears it was the stress of our business that caused him to be so verbally abusive.

With our separation being so fresh he is encouraging his family and friends to contact me. Most are saying that they can't believe I'm abandoning my husband. His sister asked today, "How in the world can a wife abandon a husband in his time of need without even trying?". He has told them that he would quit smoking for me which is a total lie. When I confronted him about it he said that he would quit smoking if it was the issue, but it isn't the issue. I'm now realizing how manipulative he is. Zoso77, you are so right about the manipulation. It's amazing that you picked up on that so quickly. Thank you.

I'm still reeling from this whole thing. I'm in shock that we are in this place only 2 years into our marriage. It's not helping that I'm the one being blamed by all of his family and friends. My family and friends and the pastor that married us are telling me to leave. Honestly, getting past the guilt is incredibly tough.

qwer1234, I agree with your comment to step back and see things as they are and I will pray for you son.

Faith260, I'm glad that you are taking time to work on your self esteem. You are so right that he will not change until he is ready. I feel like I'm talking to an irrational brick wall. You are in my thoughts and prayers as well.

SR truly is a blessing. Sorry to ramble on and on about this. It's just so fresh and I'm trying to process the whole thing. Thanks for your time, thoughts, prayers, and support.
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Old 09-15-2014, 06:58 PM
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Zoso77, you are so right about the manipulation. It's amazing that you picked up on that so quickly. Thank you
Well, not exactly amazing. He's transparent, as are all addicts in active addiction. And the only reason why myself and others can see through him is because we were where you currently are at one point.

Learn as much as you can while you're with us, staring with a little sticky note called "What Addicts Do". Read it as many time as you can. Because that's what you're up against. The fact that you're AH is abusive is another aspect of this, and an ugly one at that. Knowledge is power...
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Old 09-15-2014, 07:01 PM
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I agree that getting past the guilt is tough as well. They blame us and make us question our decision. Stay strong Anita1234
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Old 09-15-2014, 07:06 PM
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Many people think addicts and alcoholics will change for love.

Actions speak louder than words.

If he was at least trying, you'd have to give credit to that type of action. You'd at least have a bit of hope.

With zero action comes zero hope.

You can yell, scream, try and reason till your blue in the face. That will provide fresh justification for him to use more pot.

That doesn't mean your to blame in reality, your not to blame at all.

The blame and self justifications are in his head.

Good luck with it all.
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Old 09-15-2014, 07:49 PM
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Just curious...why do the family members feel that you are in the wrong leaving him "during his time of need." Is there something else besides the addiction?
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Old 09-16-2014, 05:08 AM
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Yes the guilt is unbearable. I was told by my Pastor that it is false guilt and I should ignore it kej248. I try to keep remembering that. Thank you for sharing that you also experience this guilt. I honestly have been shocked that he hasn't made any effort. I thought he would have more fight in him for the relationship. There were excuses for why he couldn't go to counseling, stop smoking, work on anger management, work on the verbal abuse, etc.

Whalebelow2, I'm realizing how much of a blame game it is. He will find anyone especially me to blame for anything that goes wrong in his life. It's such a different way of thinking. I can't seem to wrap my mind around this and I continue to play things that happened over and over in my head.

Txhelp, I'm not sure exactly what they were referring to as "his time of need". I think they are referring to his addiction and the "suffering" that he is going through since I left. It's crazy b/c they have never once thought about what I'm going through being married to him. The verbal abuse has honestly crushed me. I was starting to get daily headaches and feeling like I could never relax or find a sense of peace. I felt like an engine that was constantly being revved.

Zoso77, thank you for the reference for "What addicts do". It was very helpful. Honestly I am learning so much since I have joined this site. You all are amazing. I feel like other people just don't get it.
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Old 09-16-2014, 05:44 AM
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Anita,
Verbal abuse is like a smack in the face. His family is only seeing 'his needs' and no one else's. the apple does not fall far from the tree,perhaps.

He does not want to quit pot. He will ignore your needs, and wish you would just shut up and let him do what he wants. Well, you are a human, and not a machine to be programmed for his convenience. You have feelings. He isn't considering those, because he is an addict and that is what they do.



Ignore his family if you can. When he is on a respirator someday, they will maybe see the bigger picture. It happened to someone I know.

you will find support from many, and I am glad your friends and clergy understand. that is all you need.
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Old 09-16-2014, 09:34 AM
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Sorry Anita I misunderstood or read wrong.

Guilt can be in the way of us making decisions, in our own interest for others, as we wish to do no further harm or abandon the sick. However, he is sick in a different way. A way in which he holds the key to his illness. In fact, helping him to much or standing in the way is what impedes his health.

It's such a heartbreak especially when the anger is turned on you. Please protect yourself.
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Old 09-16-2014, 09:47 AM
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Yes, I have been through this. That was me ( your spouse ). My addiction was also pot, but coupled with alcohol = the daily double. They typically go hand in hand.....

Restless - irritable - discontented daily where my feelings. I simply withdrew from my family but tried to control everything = Oxymoron, if you will behavior wise.

I am sorry for your troubles, but you are correct in getting on with your life - as painful as that may seems know. You did the right thing.

It may sound trite to you, not sure. But pray for him......It's on God now.
Until he has a willingness to change there is little hope.

kindly, I wish you peace....
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Old 09-16-2014, 06:28 PM
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Chicory, you are so right! It is a smack in the face. I never knew how damaging it was and I'm just coming to understand how much it has affected me. He and his family are definitely only considering his/their needs. I'm starting to identify his manipulation and abuse quicker though. He called me today asking very sweetly if we could meet up somewhere and when I said no he immediately turned ugly and became very mean. I feel like I'm dealing with a man who has not matured past his teenage years. He says, I'm ruining his life!

Txhelp, it truly is heartbreaking. I want to help so badly, but I'm realizing that I can't and he doesn't want my help. In fact some days I feel like he hates me.

Flynbuy, Thank you so much for sharing your experience. What was the turning point for you? The restless, irritable, and discontented sound exactly like my husband. He goes through so many ups and downs, but it always goes back to this baseline unhappiness and frustration with life. I feel like he will never be happy in any situation b/c there's something deep within him that's blocking it. Have the feelings of restlessness and irritability improved for you? Thanks again for sharing and your support.
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Old 09-17-2014, 05:25 PM
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Anita...usually they hate themselves. An addict life is sad and dark. It's nothing personal against you....although it effects you!
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