lonelynn

Hi, I’m new and was wondering if I could please get an addict’s perspective…My husband has been in rehab the past 4 weeks for alcohol and pill addiction, in his mind his DOC is oxy, but it was A long before he started taking those. I was in the dark the entire time, I knew he drank, but he never got violent or belligerent, nor did he drive on it, so I didn’t make a huge fuss over it. Whenever I would mention that it was getting out of control, he would stop for awhile, but it always got right back up to a bottle, to bottle and a half of vodka per night. When I found out about the pills (which he had been taking about 2 years behind my back) I was crushed by the lies and manipulation and, the f’ing LIES. The whole situation was brought to my attention by his best friend who recognized his behavior as being a pill problem because of another mutual friend of theirs who was addicted to oxys. My husband’s friend called me and asked to do an intervention after connecting numerous dots for me and making me realize what was going on under my nose. My husband willingly went to rehab three days later saying that he had been praying to get to rehab, but was afraid to tell me because he thought I would leave him. The thought crossed my mind, and still does from time to time when I consider how easily he looked me in the eye and lied to me. We are talking lied about everything, including secret credit cards, bank accounts, lying about being at work, running errands. The worst part is that I know that his father drinks and does pills with him. He would never just hang out at his dad’s house (who treats him like garbage by the way) before he started doing these pills, but suddenly they are BFF’s. We have three children, two of which are still in diapers, and this whole situation has been awful on me and them. His parents are both toxic. His mother was a HUGE source of secret money in all of this. She told me that she kept working so that she could continue giving him money, despite her thoughts that he was doing drugs. WHAT?!?! Both of his parents are running around telling people that I knew about this the whole time, which simply isn’t true. To make matters worse, his mother called my mother to bad mouth me, and stated that none of this was my husband’s fault. When my mother disagreed, she went ballistic screaming at my mother to the point that all my mother could do was just hang up. I guess where I am going is that he gets out today. I don’t know how to tell him my boundaries. The first major boundary being that if he lies to me again, the kids and I are moving out. Period. The second major boundary would be that contact with his parents is dangerous to him. I simply cannot have any confidence in his recovery if he is still in contact with them. They have both been horrible to me and my family while he has been away. Our marriage is on shaky ground as is, with all the lies. I need time to heal from this just like he does, but I don’t think that I can do that if his parents are involved in our lives. A few weeks ago I went to visit him in rehab and told him a few things (not all) that his parents have been doing to me and my family since he has been gone, and he said that, even if it meant never seeing his parents again, he would choose me every time. I want to believe him, but I don’t. Too many lies have been told and I can’t take anything that he says as truth just yet. He has to show me that he wants my trust again, because, despite my support of him and his recovery, I will never allow him to disrespect me and my children like this again. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

daisy6234

What support are you getting from the rehab for aftercare. That is so important. Can you talk with his addiction councelor? They can shed a lot of light on things them/you will go through. I was told 4 week rehab only really detoxes and just scratches the surface of things. They have to have proof behind what they say. If it was me i would call the rehab place and see what help you can get. When they agree to rehab 30 days seems long, then when its done it was like "what!" So soon. And yes you need time to heal. Parents can be so toxic and be selfish and don't worry if you "hurt" their feelings. Your family is more important than their feelings.

lonelynn

I spoke with his counselor yesterday and he said that they are recommending total abstinence, daily meetings, more if possible, and working the steps. He didn't recommend any out patient treatment. He says my husband is intensely against taking another pill, but is having some reservations about giving up alcohol. This concerns me, because his dad is a heavy drinker. He shows up to our house drunk (my fave was when he got blitzed and showed up at our babies' birthday party and yelled at my husband the whole time he was trying to open presents with them). The guy is a train wreck. I'm afraid he will pressure my husband into drinking again.

hopeful4

Ultimately you will find out how serious he is about recovery. If he is not ready to give up the alcohol, he is not ready for recovery. Don't worry about your inlaws. Almost all inlaws are huge enablers and blood is much thicker than water. They will turn on you in a dime. I've heard it over and over.

Your number one priority must be taking care of you and your children. Time will tell a lot of things. Prepare for the worst, hope for the best.

jadealexander

It's either the family admits they have no control or they can blame someone..that being you. He will need to work on his relationship with his family before they will see you differently. Who knows what he is telling them. You should focus on yourself and your family. And your husband needs to focus on his recovery. It is his no one else's. There is nothing anyone can do to make him use and nothing anyone can do to make him recover. It's in his control.

incitingsilence

Please don’t get involved with his relationship with his parents or anyone for that matter. I understand they are toxic, but he has to be the one to see and recognize that and have these revelations on his own … then set up his own boundaries.

Your boundaries are about you. Your children and your own welfare, happiness and safety. Boundaries aren’t a you can’t or you must, directed at him. Boundaries are I can not live with anyone in active addiction. I can not live with alcohol or drugs being used in our home. They aren’t set to get him to do anything and really aren‘t about him, but what you need and what brings you peace.

Did the counselor you spoke to recommend anything for you in terms of getting help and support for yourself? Because your best chances will be in the time you give to you. If he is going to work a program, you should too. Relationships rarely survive with only one side doing the work, no matter which side it is.

Take good care!

lonelynn

Sorry for the late response, but yes, the counselor suggested I attend Alanon. I have been to a couple of meetings and hope to attend more one my AH decides which meeting he will attend regularly. He has been going daily which is encouraging, and I've been keeping the kids and reading my Alanon books to keep me grounded when I cannot attend in person. Week one ends tonight and it has been positive. I'm looking forward to tackling week two now. Thank you all for your time and responses!