I cry more than I laugh
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 11
I cry more than I laugh
Hello...
I'm new here - well, first posting I should say, but I've been reading and trying to learn from the people on this site for a long time. I'm not even sure why I've decided to post...maybe because I have no one to talk to about this and the strain is getting to me. I live with my opiate addicted boyfriend of two years. When we got together he was working, taking suboxone. Fast forward to heroin addiction, lost job and supplementing his unemployment check with an additional "source" of income that supplied him with unlimited access to his DOC - but now even that has ended because he was constantly using more than he, well you know. I actually think his being cut off might have saved his life, it was getting that bad. I tried everything I could to change things. Foolishly believing my tears, begging, threats, and yelling would make a difference. I know he's a good man and just last night he told me that he hates what he's doing to me and to himself - this is after I told him I would have to leave our apartment because I couldn't live like this anymore.
I've spent nights awake to make sure he's still breathing, I've made excuses to everyone who sees him when he's high and nodding off. I've become a liar and an enabler but still I love him and want to be his cheerleader, to motivate him into making smart decisions. But I'm tired and sad and I feel stuck. And I know I am powerless to change him. I've been blamed for his using, I've been given the silent treatment, I seen his anger break things in our apartment. My head knows it's time to end it, to stop believing his lies - but my heart isn't ready to let go. I just had to share with you all...reading your stories have made me feel less alone. Thank you...
I'm new here - well, first posting I should say, but I've been reading and trying to learn from the people on this site for a long time. I'm not even sure why I've decided to post...maybe because I have no one to talk to about this and the strain is getting to me. I live with my opiate addicted boyfriend of two years. When we got together he was working, taking suboxone. Fast forward to heroin addiction, lost job and supplementing his unemployment check with an additional "source" of income that supplied him with unlimited access to his DOC - but now even that has ended because he was constantly using more than he, well you know. I actually think his being cut off might have saved his life, it was getting that bad. I tried everything I could to change things. Foolishly believing my tears, begging, threats, and yelling would make a difference. I know he's a good man and just last night he told me that he hates what he's doing to me and to himself - this is after I told him I would have to leave our apartment because I couldn't live like this anymore.
I've spent nights awake to make sure he's still breathing, I've made excuses to everyone who sees him when he's high and nodding off. I've become a liar and an enabler but still I love him and want to be his cheerleader, to motivate him into making smart decisions. But I'm tired and sad and I feel stuck. And I know I am powerless to change him. I've been blamed for his using, I've been given the silent treatment, I seen his anger break things in our apartment. My head knows it's time to end it, to stop believing his lies - but my heart isn't ready to let go. I just had to share with you all...reading your stories have made me feel less alone. Thank you...
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
Hello and welcome. I am so sorry you are hurting. It is tragic to watch someone we love go down this painful path. I don't know if you have hear this or not, but the three C's apply here, you did not cause it, you cannot control it, you cannot cure it.
H is a very powerful drug to kick. He has to be willing to want recovery so badly that he is willing to work for it every single day for the rest of his life. That is a big commitment that not a lot are willing to make. They actually believe themselves for a time when they say they won't use again.
You say you want to be his cheerleader, and that's fine. However, you do realize that just like in the games, while the cheerleaders may encourage the players, they don't make them win the game. He has to do this, you cannot do it for him.
I would say it's a smart idea to move to your own place or he move out. Give yourself some space and work on getting help for YOU in dealing with all of this.
Keep posting, you are not alone!
XXX
H is a very powerful drug to kick. He has to be willing to want recovery so badly that he is willing to work for it every single day for the rest of his life. That is a big commitment that not a lot are willing to make. They actually believe themselves for a time when they say they won't use again.
You say you want to be his cheerleader, and that's fine. However, you do realize that just like in the games, while the cheerleaders may encourage the players, they don't make them win the game. He has to do this, you cannot do it for him.
I would say it's a smart idea to move to your own place or he move out. Give yourself some space and work on getting help for YOU in dealing with all of this.
Keep posting, you are not alone!
XXX
Pressure makes diamonds
Join Date: May 2014
Posts: 521
Hi PJ,
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. You can't change him, now matter how much you want to. He is the only one that can decide to stop. Eventually his anger of breaking things will lead to breaking you- physically and emotionally. I think for your own safety, you should ask him to leave or stay with a friend. Someone posted the wheel below yesterday and it makes a lot of sense. I wish you well, keep posting here. There is a lot of great support.
I'm sorry you are experiencing this. You can't change him, now matter how much you want to. He is the only one that can decide to stop. Eventually his anger of breaking things will lead to breaking you- physically and emotionally. I think for your own safety, you should ask him to leave or stay with a friend. Someone posted the wheel below yesterday and it makes a lot of sense. I wish you well, keep posting here. There is a lot of great support.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 11
Thank you hopeful4
I just resigned the lease with him in august...and am not financially able to move out and feel it wouldn't be fair to ask him to leave since he's out of work. I think right now the only thing I can do is distance myself emotionally...just don't know how to do that yet. There is a naranon meeting close by that meets weekly. I should start with that I think. I have to past this sadness of what might have been I guess.
I just resigned the lease with him in august...and am not financially able to move out and feel it wouldn't be fair to ask him to leave since he's out of work. I think right now the only thing I can do is distance myself emotionally...just don't know how to do that yet. There is a naranon meeting close by that meets weekly. I should start with that I think. I have to past this sadness of what might have been I guess.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
I understand. The meeting would be a great start!!! You will get positive, face to face support there.
It is grief when you realize a relationship is not meant to be. You grieve it just like a death. Give yourself time. Work on you. Try to detatch from the chaos and not interact if he is using. Give yourself space so you are not engaging in a daily battle of trying to control something you cannot. Don't make boundaries you cannot enforce. You said you would move out, but now say you cannot. I understand, but please know to the addict that is just making another boundary they know you cannot/will not keep.
In other words, say what you mean, mean what you say. I don't say that to be harsh at all. I think it should all be done with kindness and calm in mind, especially for YOU.
Tight Hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone!
It is grief when you realize a relationship is not meant to be. You grieve it just like a death. Give yourself time. Work on you. Try to detatch from the chaos and not interact if he is using. Give yourself space so you are not engaging in a daily battle of trying to control something you cannot. Don't make boundaries you cannot enforce. You said you would move out, but now say you cannot. I understand, but please know to the addict that is just making another boundary they know you cannot/will not keep.
In other words, say what you mean, mean what you say. I don't say that to be harsh at all. I think it should all be done with kindness and calm in mind, especially for YOU.
Tight Hugs. Keep posting, you are not alone!
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Welcome to the Board.
Here's a question. Why does what's fair to him supercede what's best for you?
PennyJenny...read this very carefully. There is nothing you can do to motivate him to make better decisions for himself. Nothing. The only thing that matters to your ABF is opiates. It doesn't matter if you cry, or scream at him, or love him to pieces. He's not capable of absorbing any of that.
At this moment, you have become a major part of the problem. Where is the love and respect you have for yourself? Why is it acceptable to renew a lease with someone who shows no sign of being a responsible adult?
I can tell you, straight up, no BS, that the probability that he's going to get better is extremely low. I encourage you to rethink what it is you're doing. Because not only are you hurting yourself by staying in a toxic situation, you are not allowing him to face the consequences of his decisions and his actions.
Here's a question. Why does what's fair to him supercede what's best for you?
I've become a liar and an enabler but still I love him and want to be his cheerleader, to motivate him into making smart decisions.
At this moment, you have become a major part of the problem. Where is the love and respect you have for yourself? Why is it acceptable to renew a lease with someone who shows no sign of being a responsible adult?
I can tell you, straight up, no BS, that the probability that he's going to get better is extremely low. I encourage you to rethink what it is you're doing. Because not only are you hurting yourself by staying in a toxic situation, you are not allowing him to face the consequences of his decisions and his actions.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 11
Hopeful4 you are right...I shouldn't make boundaries that I cannot enforce. I really have no place to go, and as an ACOA moving home isn't an option. I've also isolated myself from most of my friends, I've just made bad choices all around and I know my self-esteem isn't where it should be. All I can do right now is not wrap myself in his problems. He is at this moment - or so he tells me - at a career center sending out resumes and "cutting down his dose". He is behaving straight, my keen eyes know the signs now, but I honestly have little hope that will last. It is most likely because he doesn't have the money, not because of any serious wish to be sober. If he was serious, he'd be in a program. But enough about him. I need to love me now, figure what I want...and right now what I want is simply to feel joy and a sense of stability.
Zoso77 - thank you for your blunt, honest words. They made me cry...but I've been doing a lot of that lately. I need to find my self-respect and love, it was there once....I know it hasn't completely left me. I am part of the problem, I know. I'm working on gaining strength, I guess that's why I finally posted. I knew I'd get the words I needed to hear :-) next is going to a meeting. Maybe reconnecting with friends, finding a way to make more money to put me in a better financial place. I'm all he has, he's told me over and over again....and I'm scared what will happen if I leave. But I'm also scared of what will happen if I stay.
Zoso77 - thank you for your blunt, honest words. They made me cry...but I've been doing a lot of that lately. I need to find my self-respect and love, it was there once....I know it hasn't completely left me. I am part of the problem, I know. I'm working on gaining strength, I guess that's why I finally posted. I knew I'd get the words I needed to hear :-) next is going to a meeting. Maybe reconnecting with friends, finding a way to make more money to put me in a better financial place. I'm all he has, he's told me over and over again....and I'm scared what will happen if I leave. But I'm also scared of what will happen if I stay.
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Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
When they tell you that you are all they have it's a HUGE form of manipulation. If you are all he has it is b/c he has burned his bridges with everyone else. He is in full control to change that, you are not.
Stop isolating yourself. It will set you free and gain you the support you need. Turn the focus back on you.
Tight Hugs.
Stop isolating yourself. It will set you free and gain you the support you need. Turn the focus back on you.
Tight Hugs.
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
Posts: 3,050
Good call on the naranon meeting. Look into Alanon as well. I am also an acoa and growing up like that really throws off your compass for healthy relationship choices and does a number on your self esteem. I found a lot of healing for myself through Alanon and individual counseling.
On the bright side, you haven't had kids with this guy and all this stuff is so far totally reversible. Just something to think about- as long as this guy has a soft landing with you feathering a nest for him, providing food, comfort, a place to live for free, a place to get high without feeling any consequences what incentive does he really have to seek recovery?
On the bright side, you haven't had kids with this guy and all this stuff is so far totally reversible. Just something to think about- as long as this guy has a soft landing with you feathering a nest for him, providing food, comfort, a place to live for free, a place to get high without feeling any consequences what incentive does he really have to seek recovery?
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Zoso77 - thank you for your blunt, honest words. They made me cry...but I've been doing a lot of that lately.
When we're caught the gravitational pull of an addict, we lose sight of what's really going on. But once we break free and get honest with ourselves, we're able to see why we've done what we've done. And what I would encourage you to do is ask yourself what do you gain by staying caught in your ABF's field. You can break free any time, should you choose to do so.
Stuff like this
I'm all he has, he's told me over and over again....
That ain't working, kid. For you, or for him. So, it's time that you start taking care of you, and whatever happens to him happens.
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 11
Zoso77 - I know it wasn't your intent, it's just that old saying "the truth hurts". They were tears that came from a deep realization that everything you said - what everyone is saying - is true. And hard to face. I'm quick to try to fix other's problems but damn if I won't fix my own. I'm in the beginning stages of that I guess . I'm just so sad, but I know I shouldn't wallow.
Ladyscribbler - you are right, too. It's cozy for him right now. He has no incentive to get clean. Thing is, he's been in horrible living situations and still that didn't prompt him to get help. The lesson for me, I guess, is that this guy probably won't change...no matter how bad it gets. And yet I love him and do see so much good in him and how he struggles. Argh. I'm a fool. I struggle too. I matter too. I have to keep reminding myself of that. When does that just come naturally?
Ladyscribbler - you are right, too. It's cozy for him right now. He has no incentive to get clean. Thing is, he's been in horrible living situations and still that didn't prompt him to get help. The lesson for me, I guess, is that this guy probably won't change...no matter how bad it gets. And yet I love him and do see so much good in him and how he struggles. Argh. I'm a fool. I struggle too. I matter too. I have to keep reminding myself of that. When does that just come naturally?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
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Atalose, his name is on the lease too. Last night he offered to move home to another state for a while, and send me his unemployment checks to cover the bills. I haven't taken him up on that yet. I wonder how that temporary break would help and I guess part of me is afraid of being alone. Sick, i know. I feel a bit like a lost cause right now.
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Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
Usually when it sounds to good to be true -it is!!
Him moving away for a while and sending you his unemployment checks is crock of crap!! sorry but it is.
Freedom lies just on the other side of fear................
((hugs))
Him moving away for a while and sending you his unemployment checks is crock of crap!! sorry but it is.
Freedom lies just on the other side of fear................
((hugs))
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 11
Well I think I should take him up on that offer to move back home for a bit, but I do worry about whether he'll send the money because I can't afford to stay here myself. When he got home from the career enter, because of my trust issues i didn't believe he'd been there all day and questioned him, which started a fight. He threw down the work sheet that he produced at the center, screamed that it was ********, that he was doing the right thing and punched the wall (leaving another hole in our rented apartment) on his way out. When he finally came home, after I apologized for not believing him he admitted that he used a bunch of benzos to calm down. Then later in the evening asked if he could borrow $100 so that he wouldn't be sick and could continue the job search. What I wonder is what happened to the unemployment check he just received two days ago. I guess I don't have to wonder. I know asking him will either lead to lies or another fight... but I want to hear his answers, I want him to know that i know he's blowing his portion of the rent on drugs and that negatively affects both of us, that he should just go ahead and get sick, detox out of it and then look for a job and find the resources he needs to stay clean. Is that the wrong way to go about it with an addict who won't go into rehab? What am i doing? Am i trying to negotiate with an addict? I'm at a loss. I've already told him that if things don't improve over the next year, I won't resign the lease with him. He said "well, I guess that's the ultimatum then".
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Join Date: Sep 2013
Location: Iowa
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Drugs are his first priority in life, the only thing he really cares about having or losing at this point.
You know where the unemployment money went and so does he. Asking him is just an invitation for him to lie to you, or try to intimidate you by punching another hole in the wall.
You know that if he has drugs in the apartment you can get into legal trouble because your name is on that lease.
Sorry you are dealing with all of this. Have you been able to get to naranon/Alanon yet?
You know where the unemployment money went and so does he. Asking him is just an invitation for him to lie to you, or try to intimidate you by punching another hole in the wall.
You know that if he has drugs in the apartment you can get into legal trouble because your name is on that lease.
Sorry you are dealing with all of this. Have you been able to get to naranon/Alanon yet?
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Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 11
I know they are his first priority ...it's pretty heartbreaking. He didn't lie, he told me it all went to drugs. I didn't know about the drugs/lease things. I feel pretty foolish about that. They have naranon meetings every Monday night very close to where I live, I'm planning on attending it next Monday. I waiver so much between wanting to help and wanting to escape, it's making me feel crazy, feel like I'm abandoning him and so freaking sad. Thank you for listening and responding.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Ultimatums don’t work. Nothing works from a what can I do to get him to see standpoint.
This is an inside job and he is still giving himself reasons to use. You won’t understand it and you can’t rationalize with him.
The only person you can save is you! He is most capable of saving himself.
This isn’t fun, nor sane to watch and heroin isn’t forgiving.
There is help out there if he wants it. Sadly in this moment he isn’t showing he wants it. And what a waste of time looking for a job in the state he is in. His priorities aren’t straight, but then he has to be the one to understand what that means. You pointing it out will most likely fall on deaf ears.
In reading, I would advise you to really look into getting yourself some help from a ACOA standpoint more than anything. I also want to tell you that you are not alone in hiding away and alienating yourself from friends. Maybe don’t wait to long to rebuild connections with those who were important to you. Be open and honest. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you need people in your life now. Build a strong support system, it can be a lifesaver. I found in time that none of my friends needed to understand what it meant to watch heroin addiction, they already understood me and knew I wasn’t right, when I couldn’t see that.
Good luck to you.
This is an inside job and he is still giving himself reasons to use. You won’t understand it and you can’t rationalize with him.
The only person you can save is you! He is most capable of saving himself.
This isn’t fun, nor sane to watch and heroin isn’t forgiving.
There is help out there if he wants it. Sadly in this moment he isn’t showing he wants it. And what a waste of time looking for a job in the state he is in. His priorities aren’t straight, but then he has to be the one to understand what that means. You pointing it out will most likely fall on deaf ears.
In reading, I would advise you to really look into getting yourself some help from a ACOA standpoint more than anything. I also want to tell you that you are not alone in hiding away and alienating yourself from friends. Maybe don’t wait to long to rebuild connections with those who were important to you. Be open and honest. You have nothing to be ashamed of, and you need people in your life now. Build a strong support system, it can be a lifesaver. I found in time that none of my friends needed to understand what it meant to watch heroin addiction, they already understood me and knew I wasn’t right, when I couldn’t see that.
Good luck to you.
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