I cry more than I laugh
Member
Join Date: Jun 2006
Posts: 5,103
What I wonder is what happened to the unemployment check he just received two days ago. I guess I don't have to wonder. I know asking him will either lead to lies or another fight... but I want to hear his answers, I want him to know that i know he's blowing his portion of the rent on drugs and that negatively affects both of us
Why is it so important to you for him to know that you know the truth?
It sounds like you are expecting something from someone who is not capable to give you show real remorse or sorry. It sounds like you want to play “the guilt” card, and that never works.
You want a break, you want him out then have him go back home to his family, separate and use that time to find yourself a roommate who you can count on to help pay your rent because it’s not going to be him from a far.
Yes you are trying to negotiate with an addict and you are negotiating with yourself – telling yourself what you won’t do a year from now but not knowing what you are going to do a day from now.
Nar-anon will be great for you.
The reality is “WE” can’t abandon someone who’s already checked themselves out of reality, life, relationship(s)………what about how he’s abandoned you for drugs, left you high and dry holding the financial bag?
When you stop making it all about him and his addiction and begin to turn it inwards….your real healing will begin.
Why is it so important to you for him to know that you know the truth?
It sounds like you are expecting something from someone who is not capable to give you show real remorse or sorry. It sounds like you want to play “the guilt” card, and that never works.
You want a break, you want him out then have him go back home to his family, separate and use that time to find yourself a roommate who you can count on to help pay your rent because it’s not going to be him from a far.
Yes you are trying to negotiate with an addict and you are negotiating with yourself – telling yourself what you won’t do a year from now but not knowing what you are going to do a day from now.
Nar-anon will be great for you.
The reality is “WE” can’t abandon someone who’s already checked themselves out of reality, life, relationship(s)………what about how he’s abandoned you for drugs, left you high and dry holding the financial bag?
When you stop making it all about him and his addiction and begin to turn it inwards….your real healing will begin.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
I've already told him that if things don't improve over the next year, I won't resign the lease with him. He said "well, I guess that's the ultimatum then".
You have all the evidence you need to make an informed decision. And as I said earlier, the probability that he's going to pull out of this spiral is extremely low.
You are your first priority. Not him, not his feelings, or trying to support him in any way. You can't help him.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
if for your own safety and sanity you end breaking the lease, well there's worse things that can go down. do NOT expect to see a dime from him, now or especially if he moves to another state.
he has NO desire to stop. he's basically used you to help him stay high. you've become part of the supply chain whether you like it or not. you are not his priority. and you are not abandoning him. by any means. he's the one that puts dope first. he's the one that lost his job. and failed to get another. and then supplemented his unemployment by dealing i suspect.
this is going to get worse. not better. the only thing you can do is get out of harm's way. if the apt burned down today, you'd find somewhere else to go. he's perfectly capable of taking care of himself and in fact that is all he HAS done during your time together. you're the ony thinking there's really anything to salvage or improve upon.
he has NO desire to stop. he's basically used you to help him stay high. you've become part of the supply chain whether you like it or not. you are not his priority. and you are not abandoning him. by any means. he's the one that puts dope first. he's the one that lost his job. and failed to get another. and then supplemented his unemployment by dealing i suspect.
this is going to get worse. not better. the only thing you can do is get out of harm's way. if the apt burned down today, you'd find somewhere else to go. he's perfectly capable of taking care of himself and in fact that is all he HAS done during your time together. you're the ony thinking there's really anything to salvage or improve upon.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
I saw his anger break things in our apartment.
PennyJenny, this is an indication that you are thinking of your boyfriend as SEPARATE from his addiction and his behavior. That lets you hang on to your ideal about who he is and about who he can be.
The truth is that "his anger" didn't break things. HE did. He is violent. It doesn't matter why - drugs, or alcohol, or being a rageaholic - HE is unable to control himself.
Google https://www.mosaicmethod.com and take the Mosaic Threat Assessment Test. It is a confidential on-line screening test that police departments - including the US Capital police in Washington D.C. - use to see how likely a person who has been violent is to do further violence.
I don't think it is safe for you there. People who are violent and on drugs or alcohol can be expected to get worse, not better, unless they totally stop and work an intensive program of recovery.
He's not doing that. He's lying, making excuses, raging, punching things, taking more drugs to try to handle his out-of-control feelings and behavior. He's a volcano waiting to erupt.
As a former landlord myself, I would immediately release from their lease any woman who was suffering from abuse with a partner/roommate who was doing drugs in my apartment and punching holes in my walls. Talk to a lawyer about how to do this. They'll usually give you a free consult.
Please take this seriously. Most of us have tried to excuse and rationalize our partner's bad addictive behavior and minimize it. As many of us have said here, it didn't work and things got worse. Drug addiction and alcoholism don't stand still. They literally re-wire the brain of the addict, and it goes downhill rapidly.
You don't want to be part of a police raid with drugs in the house that you cannot prove are his, not yours. If he is violent outside the house, and a warrant is issued for him, the police will come to your door to find him.
Please call a domestic violence hotline in your area and get someone to talk to today. Yes, it is that bad, even if it doesn't seem to be to you. For me, when I stayed in a situation that gradually slid downhill, after a while, I couldn't see it. My normal became pretty desperately awful even though I thought it was liveable, barely okay, I thought I could stay. I was wrong. It has taken me over two years to begin to get myself back.
Domestic violence professionals can also give you advice about how to get out of the lease, and potentially refer you to pro bono attorneys.
And my husband was an alcoholic, not a drug addict. From what I read, I think that heavy drug use adds a volatility to the addiction equation that is scary.
Take care of yourself, we are all here for you, 24/7.
ShootingStar1
PennyJenny, this is an indication that you are thinking of your boyfriend as SEPARATE from his addiction and his behavior. That lets you hang on to your ideal about who he is and about who he can be.
The truth is that "his anger" didn't break things. HE did. He is violent. It doesn't matter why - drugs, or alcohol, or being a rageaholic - HE is unable to control himself.
Google https://www.mosaicmethod.com and take the Mosaic Threat Assessment Test. It is a confidential on-line screening test that police departments - including the US Capital police in Washington D.C. - use to see how likely a person who has been violent is to do further violence.
I don't think it is safe for you there. People who are violent and on drugs or alcohol can be expected to get worse, not better, unless they totally stop and work an intensive program of recovery.
He's not doing that. He's lying, making excuses, raging, punching things, taking more drugs to try to handle his out-of-control feelings and behavior. He's a volcano waiting to erupt.
As a former landlord myself, I would immediately release from their lease any woman who was suffering from abuse with a partner/roommate who was doing drugs in my apartment and punching holes in my walls. Talk to a lawyer about how to do this. They'll usually give you a free consult.
Please take this seriously. Most of us have tried to excuse and rationalize our partner's bad addictive behavior and minimize it. As many of us have said here, it didn't work and things got worse. Drug addiction and alcoholism don't stand still. They literally re-wire the brain of the addict, and it goes downhill rapidly.
You don't want to be part of a police raid with drugs in the house that you cannot prove are his, not yours. If he is violent outside the house, and a warrant is issued for him, the police will come to your door to find him.
Please call a domestic violence hotline in your area and get someone to talk to today. Yes, it is that bad, even if it doesn't seem to be to you. For me, when I stayed in a situation that gradually slid downhill, after a while, I couldn't see it. My normal became pretty desperately awful even though I thought it was liveable, barely okay, I thought I could stay. I was wrong. It has taken me over two years to begin to get myself back.
Domestic violence professionals can also give you advice about how to get out of the lease, and potentially refer you to pro bono attorneys.
And my husband was an alcoholic, not a drug addict. From what I read, I think that heavy drug use adds a volatility to the addiction equation that is scary.
Take care of yourself, we are all here for you, 24/7.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 11
Thank you everyone for your suggestions and support. Today was a rough day (he threatened suicide) that culminated in him admitting he needed professional medical help - not a job right now - and he's contacted a nearby outpatient clinic specializing in opiate abuse. He'll get counseling and medically supervised medication. He will also take anger management classes. I will attend naranon because I know I need help too. My family knows the truth now of my situation, as do a few close friends. I'll probably also get a therapist. I haven't given up on him yet (many of you are probably shaking your heads) but I know I need to start putting my needs first. I'm hopeful but prepared for a long road...both for myself and him. Thank you again...I hope to post again with a better sense of where I'm going with all of this. And if, in the end, I'm alone...at this point I think I'm okay with that.
Member
Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
PennyJenny, you can post whenever you want, with ideas and feelings big and small. You don't have to wait until you sort it out unless you want to.
He appears to be approaching a crisis point, and it is good to hear that he wants help. It is hard, but remember, he has to want this for himself and do it for himself, so try to stand back and let him work out how to get help on his own. It is like taking the training wheels off a kid's bike. They have to take that plunge and ride free, scary as it is, even if they fall down. If they don't, they'll never be able to ride on their own. This is the addict's ride, and all we can do is stand by and cheer from the sidelines.
ShootingStar1
He appears to be approaching a crisis point, and it is good to hear that he wants help. It is hard, but remember, he has to want this for himself and do it for himself, so try to stand back and let him work out how to get help on his own. It is like taking the training wheels off a kid's bike. They have to take that plunge and ride free, scary as it is, even if they fall down. If they don't, they'll never be able to ride on their own. This is the addict's ride, and all we can do is stand by and cheer from the sidelines.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 11
Hi again....I know it's probably normal but my emotions are all over the place. I go between hopeful, angry, supportive, feeling manipulated, annoyed, doubtful and all back again. Funny...happiness and joy aren't among those emotions. I'm really starting to believe that I'm sick too. So I just bought the book "codependent no more" in addition to the nar anon meeting that I'm going to on Monday. Part of me thinks that he threatened suicide because I told him I was planning on staying with a coworker for a few days to give us space. Is that crazy or narcissistic of me to think that? I don't know anything anymore...except my love for him is wavering as much as the confidence in myself. I find myself worrying about him and whether he'll be OK - or successful - with this methadone treatment . Then i remind myself that I'm powerless over that and lord do i need to put the focus and work into me. I guess right now I'm feeling the most hopeful for the change I might be able to create in myself. But with him, who knows?
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Join Date: Jun 2012
Posts: 1,452
PennyJenny, no I don't think you are crazy or narcissistic. That is what he would LIKE you to think so that you capitulate to his demands and let him have his drug centered life back, with you as anchor and handmaiden.
My guess, having lived with an alcoholic and narcissistic now XH for 20 years, is that very few of us co-dependents are narcissists. If we were, we wouldn't put up with not being the center of the universe, and co-dependents aren't the center of the universe. We often devalue our selves so much that we don't believe we deserve anything.
Finding a personal therapist who specializes in co-dependency may be very helpful to you.
There is a book I found quite enlightening called The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. You can also google "Sam Vaknim and Narcissists" and get some astonishing videos that he did on how a narcissist thinks and behaves.
Keep the faith, you're doing great.
ShootingStar1
My guess, having lived with an alcoholic and narcissistic now XH for 20 years, is that very few of us co-dependents are narcissists. If we were, we wouldn't put up with not being the center of the universe, and co-dependents aren't the center of the universe. We often devalue our selves so much that we don't believe we deserve anything.
Finding a personal therapist who specializes in co-dependency may be very helpful to you.
There is a book I found quite enlightening called The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists. You can also google "Sam Vaknim and Narcissists" and get some astonishing videos that he did on how a narcissist thinks and behaves.
Keep the faith, you're doing great.
ShootingStar1
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 11
Thanks shooting star. You're right. It worked, that threat. And now I'm on the couch looking up online the typical heroin withdrawal symptoms like the good little codependent that I am! He's tossing and turning and groaning in bed, delirious and I'm worried and thinking about taking tomorrow off work to stay home and make sure he's OK. I should be reading my codependent no more kindle edition book that I got so immediately! Honestly, right now...I think I'd be lost without this forum. I hope that in the future, I'll be able to offer kind words and advice like I've heard here to someone new and unsure.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
Look if he is truly delirious and hallucinating you need to dial 911. No one is equipped to handle this nor should they.
This is hard for me because I don't condone in home detox, but I also don't condone leaving an addict to kick heroin alone. You have put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. So please do not hesitate to call and get him help if he is hallucinating.
This is hard for me because I don't condone in home detox, but I also don't condone leaving an addict to kick heroin alone. You have put yourself in a potentially dangerous situation. So please do not hesitate to call and get him help if he is hallucinating.
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Thread Starter
Join Date: Jul 2014
Posts: 11
I just spoke with him, he said I woke him up . He said that when he was saying strange things it was because he was "in between dreams", not hallucinations. He doesn't have insurance, will not go to ER. He said his restlessness was normal WDs and that he's fine, just tired. He's going to a clinic on Monday, a methadone clinic. Yes, I feel way over my head here. He has no family or true friends around. Just me and my family.
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Join Date: Jan 2009
Posts: 864
If he starts acting irrational and is hallucinating you're gonna have to make the call.
Yes restlessness is normal, stomach issues, this feeling that you have spiders in your blood, unable to sleep, pain, goose bumps, dilated pupils, yawning ...
But see many years ago, way codie, sitting listening to the doctor go over what would be with wd... a bad flu, and all. Hmm someone lied. I thought ok things will be fine. Seems no one thought to tell me of the hallucinations and not for anything you probably don't know the truth, how long, how much, how many times he kicked before, because every kick gets worse. And when talking heroin, it may not be heroin, that depends on where you live and if it is the fentanyl mix, and that is like 80 times stronger than heroin which is pure where I am. Yes that means something.
This was planned here and it went quickly insane. I also had muscle although this was something I never expected, even though I knew he was using a lot. So that is why I take the stance I do and advise what I do. It took a huge amount of meds to finally knock him out. I met another woman around that time who was watching exactly what I was states away, she had to call 911. It wasn't pretty.
What madness.
This is not yours, I hope you know that. You do not have to take this on if it frightens you. You are well within your rights to call 911 and let him be handled by someone who knows what they are doing.
Yes restlessness is normal, stomach issues, this feeling that you have spiders in your blood, unable to sleep, pain, goose bumps, dilated pupils, yawning ...
But see many years ago, way codie, sitting listening to the doctor go over what would be with wd... a bad flu, and all. Hmm someone lied. I thought ok things will be fine. Seems no one thought to tell me of the hallucinations and not for anything you probably don't know the truth, how long, how much, how many times he kicked before, because every kick gets worse. And when talking heroin, it may not be heroin, that depends on where you live and if it is the fentanyl mix, and that is like 80 times stronger than heroin which is pure where I am. Yes that means something.
This was planned here and it went quickly insane. I also had muscle although this was something I never expected, even though I knew he was using a lot. So that is why I take the stance I do and advise what I do. It took a huge amount of meds to finally knock him out. I met another woman around that time who was watching exactly what I was states away, she had to call 911. It wasn't pretty.
What madness.
This is not yours, I hope you know that. You do not have to take this on if it frightens you. You are well within your rights to call 911 and let him be handled by someone who knows what they are doing.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2014
Location: Pittsburgh, PA
Posts: 39
Wow, I feel bad that you just signed a lease for another whole year with this guy. If you stay with him for another year, where will you be sanity wise? I really think that you need to take other's advice on here, especially Zoso's and start thinking about YOU. It's obvious that he's not going to put you first. The drugs ARE his first priority. Nothing or no one comes before them. Reading your posts I'm getting a little window into what must go on in my daughter's heart and mind. Her ABF uses all the same manipulations to make her feel sorry for him and make her think there's hope he's going to change. I can see through him now but she is still holding onto the dream.
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