cocaine induced delusions... are breaking my heart
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Springfield MA
Posts: 9
cocaine induced delusions... are breaking my heart
Hi Everyone,
I am new here. I am looking for advice. My boyfriend of 3 years, father of my 1 year old step-dad to my other kids has been using for somewhere between 8-12 months? He has a history of cocaine use before he met me and was clean the first two years we were together. He was an occasional user when I met him, but he was sweet and perfect, we fell in love fast, and he stopped because I didn't like it and I didn't want it in a serious relationship or in my house (I have kids). Well, we had one of those relationships people talked about. Always happy, worked together, he was my partner in everything. about 6-8 months ago things began to change. We began to have money problems, bills wernt getting paid, we started fighting, he started getting mean. We work together and I began to hate going to work with him because he bullied me all day. He started to call me a cheater, dirty, started accusing me of drug use. All of this dint seem to be his belief, it was more like he was punishing me. He began to work less, always wanting to leave, had to come on appointments with me... it was becoming like stalking. Eventually about 5 months ago he started to devolve. He began with real accusations of cheating. He would hear a comment from someone, or a conversation not about me and his mind would somehow turn it into something about me... he began to interigate me... it was like leading questions all day. Sometimes about a name, he would bring up the name all day long until I would finally scream "Why do you keep asking me about some one named.... and it would come out that my sister mentioned she wished she and her boyfriend could go on double dates with this friend but they don't like his girlfriend. How would that mean my sister hooked him up with me?? I don't even know this person. Stuff like that. Well then he began "seeing things" aroung the house that were changing. He thought I was or was hiring someone to remove floorboards and replace them, different hinges on doors, paint things, he thought the counters were moved... all of these things were in his head. He began to use more and stay up all night to "protect us" from people in the walls and in the attic ect. He actually thought I was letting men in the house too and eventually started ripping up floor boards to find the lovers I was hiding. I would go to the bathroom and I would get accused of having sex... he was right outside the door and no one was in there or could get in... how could he think that? Then he concluded that I was signaling these met. It was how I would move my arm, scratch my face, put my hair up, almost anything was a signal to the men to meet me in the bathroom or shower, or to run up from the basement for a quicky. Every time he woke he said he cought me sneaking out of the house. He swears he has photos and recordings of me sleeping with men... I never have so I know they don't exsist. Then it became that everyone was in on the signals. His mom, siblings, my kids, people we drove by... he even accused me of sneaking my "man" to vacation with us because he saw me signal him all vacation... I am 6 months pregnant with our second child. I was stressed, limiting my movement in the house, anxious, I was crying all the time. I began to get stressed everytme we got home. My house was dirty, kids needed my attention, I finally had enough and told him he needed to leave. This was the 4th time he left, but this time I didn't let him back. He had lied to me over and over that he was clean, I didn't even realize he was using again until things got so bad that I knew he was delusional. He wouldn't admit every time he used... and it started to be every day.
Anyway- he is at his mom's. I am trying to help him. He had been clean 12 days. The first few days he slept and texted me that he loved me bla bla bla and then that I was a ***** and dirty in the next sentence. After a few days the fog started to clear. He began to eat, seem less stressed and anxious. He stopped being paranoid all the time. He still cant have the windows open, he still believes in the signals, although he is not seeing it all the time, we are trying to work through our problems. I feel like I just lived through a nightmare, but I am not angry anymore, I have forgiven him. I do not want him here at the house with me, but we are seeing eachother and texting, and he comes over sometimes. Most of these delusions are gone or at least not dominating his mind anymore. However, he is still so sure of my infidelity. He isn't exactly interigating me anymore, but out of nowhere his mood changes and he asks why I wont stop seeing the other man. Why do I only think about sex? Why isn't he alone enough for me? He will still text me and ask if there is a man in my bed. The thing is I see the guy I met and fell in love with there a lot of the time now... but I am concerned that the delusional jealousy isn't going away. I cry and I assure him I love him and donot want anyone else. I plead with him to just have faith and trust in us again. My god, I am still here for him. I am sticking by him even though this hurts. I am holding on and waiting for him to get through this. I am praying that we can have a life together again. I am praying that this will all really go away. I remain hopeful, but will the jealousy stop? Ever? He at least believes the baby is his now... I think.. does anyone have any experience with a timeline of how long this takes to leave someones mind? Will he ever look back and realize none of this was real? He is not accepting any of this was in his head.
I am new here. I am looking for advice. My boyfriend of 3 years, father of my 1 year old step-dad to my other kids has been using for somewhere between 8-12 months? He has a history of cocaine use before he met me and was clean the first two years we were together. He was an occasional user when I met him, but he was sweet and perfect, we fell in love fast, and he stopped because I didn't like it and I didn't want it in a serious relationship or in my house (I have kids). Well, we had one of those relationships people talked about. Always happy, worked together, he was my partner in everything. about 6-8 months ago things began to change. We began to have money problems, bills wernt getting paid, we started fighting, he started getting mean. We work together and I began to hate going to work with him because he bullied me all day. He started to call me a cheater, dirty, started accusing me of drug use. All of this dint seem to be his belief, it was more like he was punishing me. He began to work less, always wanting to leave, had to come on appointments with me... it was becoming like stalking. Eventually about 5 months ago he started to devolve. He began with real accusations of cheating. He would hear a comment from someone, or a conversation not about me and his mind would somehow turn it into something about me... he began to interigate me... it was like leading questions all day. Sometimes about a name, he would bring up the name all day long until I would finally scream "Why do you keep asking me about some one named.... and it would come out that my sister mentioned she wished she and her boyfriend could go on double dates with this friend but they don't like his girlfriend. How would that mean my sister hooked him up with me?? I don't even know this person. Stuff like that. Well then he began "seeing things" aroung the house that were changing. He thought I was or was hiring someone to remove floorboards and replace them, different hinges on doors, paint things, he thought the counters were moved... all of these things were in his head. He began to use more and stay up all night to "protect us" from people in the walls and in the attic ect. He actually thought I was letting men in the house too and eventually started ripping up floor boards to find the lovers I was hiding. I would go to the bathroom and I would get accused of having sex... he was right outside the door and no one was in there or could get in... how could he think that? Then he concluded that I was signaling these met. It was how I would move my arm, scratch my face, put my hair up, almost anything was a signal to the men to meet me in the bathroom or shower, or to run up from the basement for a quicky. Every time he woke he said he cought me sneaking out of the house. He swears he has photos and recordings of me sleeping with men... I never have so I know they don't exsist. Then it became that everyone was in on the signals. His mom, siblings, my kids, people we drove by... he even accused me of sneaking my "man" to vacation with us because he saw me signal him all vacation... I am 6 months pregnant with our second child. I was stressed, limiting my movement in the house, anxious, I was crying all the time. I began to get stressed everytme we got home. My house was dirty, kids needed my attention, I finally had enough and told him he needed to leave. This was the 4th time he left, but this time I didn't let him back. He had lied to me over and over that he was clean, I didn't even realize he was using again until things got so bad that I knew he was delusional. He wouldn't admit every time he used... and it started to be every day.
Anyway- he is at his mom's. I am trying to help him. He had been clean 12 days. The first few days he slept and texted me that he loved me bla bla bla and then that I was a ***** and dirty in the next sentence. After a few days the fog started to clear. He began to eat, seem less stressed and anxious. He stopped being paranoid all the time. He still cant have the windows open, he still believes in the signals, although he is not seeing it all the time, we are trying to work through our problems. I feel like I just lived through a nightmare, but I am not angry anymore, I have forgiven him. I do not want him here at the house with me, but we are seeing eachother and texting, and he comes over sometimes. Most of these delusions are gone or at least not dominating his mind anymore. However, he is still so sure of my infidelity. He isn't exactly interigating me anymore, but out of nowhere his mood changes and he asks why I wont stop seeing the other man. Why do I only think about sex? Why isn't he alone enough for me? He will still text me and ask if there is a man in my bed. The thing is I see the guy I met and fell in love with there a lot of the time now... but I am concerned that the delusional jealousy isn't going away. I cry and I assure him I love him and donot want anyone else. I plead with him to just have faith and trust in us again. My god, I am still here for him. I am sticking by him even though this hurts. I am holding on and waiting for him to get through this. I am praying that we can have a life together again. I am praying that this will all really go away. I remain hopeful, but will the jealousy stop? Ever? He at least believes the baby is his now... I think.. does anyone have any experience with a timeline of how long this takes to leave someones mind? Will he ever look back and realize none of this was real? He is not accepting any of this was in his head.
Curmudgeon, Electrical Engineer, Guitar God Wannabe
Join Date: Jan 2012
Location: Where the mighty arms of Atlas hold the heavens from the Earth
Posts: 3,403
Wildrose,
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what's brought you here, but grateful that you've found us and posted. Other members will be by to greet you, but I'd like to share a couple of thoughts of my own.
I can understand why you want to help him, as he's the father of one of your kids. But those kids need to be as insulated as they can be from the problems your ABF is creating. In my view, that's your first and most important priority.
There may come a time when you have to accept that he's not a good partner for you, no matter how much you love him and want things to work out. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're supposed to be with them. And even if he cleans up his act, he'll need to put a lot of his focus on his recovery. That won't leave a lot of room for your relationship.
When someone we care about is slowly self destructing, it's a difficult thing to watch. And one of the most difficult and unfair things we have to accept is at the end of the day, there's nothing we can do to help the addict. I encourage you to read as many posts as you can. The only way that you can make the best decisions for you and your kids is to know what sort of monster you're up against.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Welcome to the Board. I'm sorry for what's brought you here, but grateful that you've found us and posted. Other members will be by to greet you, but I'd like to share a couple of thoughts of my own.
I can understand why you want to help him, as he's the father of one of your kids. But those kids need to be as insulated as they can be from the problems your ABF is creating. In my view, that's your first and most important priority.
There may come a time when you have to accept that he's not a good partner for you, no matter how much you love him and want things to work out. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you're supposed to be with them. And even if he cleans up his act, he'll need to put a lot of his focus on his recovery. That won't leave a lot of room for your relationship.
When someone we care about is slowly self destructing, it's a difficult thing to watch. And one of the most difficult and unfair things we have to accept is at the end of the day, there's nothing we can do to help the addict. I encourage you to read as many posts as you can. The only way that you can make the best decisions for you and your kids is to know what sort of monster you're up against.
Again, Welcome to the Board.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2013
Posts: 5,439
Welcome to SR.
You'll find lots of support here. Addiction is such a difficult thing to have in our lives. My guess is that you've been neglecting yourself a lot with all of the stuff going on with him. Try to take a little time to take care of yourself- a hot bath, a walk in the park, whatever you can manage.
You'll find lots of support here. Addiction is such a difficult thing to have in our lives. My guess is that you've been neglecting yourself a lot with all of the stuff going on with him. Try to take a little time to take care of yourself- a hot bath, a walk in the park, whatever you can manage.
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
wow, I am very frightened for you. He sounds as if he may have a serious mental illness, and I would certainly be very afraid of being around him, especially since you have children. You would need to protect more than just yourself, in case of him getting violent, which would seem very possible.
Please, protect you and your children, and I would stay far away-he gets mental help. Asking you those questions is NOT normal behavior.
You should talk to someone. and soon. If you were my daughter, I would ask her to get a restraininig order against him, and pray for him to get mental help. He might not even obey a restraining order.
I would have the numbers to domestic violence support, in case he tries to come around, against your wishes.
I do not know about cocaine abuse and whether it can cause temporary mental illness like this, but I would be very afraid even if it was temporary. I have never heard that it is, but I don't know. Perhaps someone can give you some insight on this.
be safe, and find out . talk to a doctor , one who deals with drug abuse.
Please, protect you and your children, and I would stay far away-he gets mental help. Asking you those questions is NOT normal behavior.
You should talk to someone. and soon. If you were my daughter, I would ask her to get a restraininig order against him, and pray for him to get mental help. He might not even obey a restraining order.
I would have the numbers to domestic violence support, in case he tries to come around, against your wishes.
I do not know about cocaine abuse and whether it can cause temporary mental illness like this, but I would be very afraid even if it was temporary. I have never heard that it is, but I don't know. Perhaps someone can give you some insight on this.
be safe, and find out . talk to a doctor , one who deals with drug abuse.
Member
Join Date: Apr 2014
Location: AZ
Posts: 309
I don't know much about coke, but this behavior does not seem like "just" drugs. I think he may need evaluated for an underlying metal illness. It sounds really scary. I am so sorry you are going through this. Get some help for you. This stress cannot be good for the kids to see nor is it good for that beautiful unborn baby. Hugs to you!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Springfield MA
Posts: 9
Thanks for the relplies. I don't want him back unless he works on himself first. I don't want him back unless he comes to terms with the delusions and realizes these things didn't happen. I cant be punished and convicted for things I didn't do anymore. But its hard to let go. I know I have to accept things I cant change. And I have fought hard enough to change this over past months that I know there is nothing I can do... but I just cant let go.
Last edited by wildrose7; 09-07-2014 at 08:58 PM. Reason: didnt mean to post
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
it's VERY possible he has suffered long term BRAIN DAMAGE due to the coke. and that isn't something he can just talk himself out of or that you can fix. he is not a safe and stable partner and your kids deserve someone strong and rock solid. and that has to be you....all the energy you put towards him drains you and leaves less of you to give your children.
Member
Join Date: Aug 2013
Location: TX
Posts: 731
I hear that you want to support him. However, you are in your last trimester with other children to think of....who supports you?
In my opinion, I agree with the other posters. IF he is truly clean, after 12 days, then a possible mental illness may be the culprit. However, he needs an evaluation. Whether he gets help is up to him.
You sound strong in your boundaries but his calls/visits are only about him and NEVER about you...then perhaps you should evaluate those as well.
In my opinion, I agree with the other posters. IF he is truly clean, after 12 days, then a possible mental illness may be the culprit. However, he needs an evaluation. Whether he gets help is up to him.
You sound strong in your boundaries but his calls/visits are only about him and NEVER about you...then perhaps you should evaluate those as well.
Member
Join Date: Feb 2008
Location: In a good place
Posts: 4,482
Originally Posted by AnvilheadII 
it's VERY possible he has suffered long term BRAIN DAMAGE due to the coke. and that isn't something he can just talk himself out of or that you can fix.
He's clean now and permanently on meds for his mental illness, but it took him 5 years of psych wards, rehabs, and a lot of soul searching. No one pushed him into treatment, his ex is still partying herself into an early grave with irreversible heart damage.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Springfield MA
Posts: 9
Posting an update... he came by last night, it was like a dream. I felt like it was him again. We even talked about his delusions a little. He says he is getting it together and his head is getting better. No accusations... I hugged him and started sobbing because I have been holding back so much hope. I was just happy to see the man I love sitting right in front of me. Anyway... my soul needed last night... been 18 days clean now and he says he is going to look for a job.
BUT weird question- I cleaned and mopped and scrubbed my bedroom and washed the sheets and pillows couple days after he left. He told me this morning he has coke smell stuck in his nose like it was in our room. I don't smell anything... is this a reaction to being in our room or does that smell really linger? (I don't know what it smells like) also, he admitted how hard quitting has been. That his body is still craving it, that it's hard to talk about. could the "smell" be psychological because he was in our room?
I'm know we are a long way from "there" but I am very proud of him. I am very happy he is doing better, drawing, watching movies, playing video games, eating, sleeping. He did nothing at all except stare at the house or me or the window for so long... he is occupying his mind and I think that's important. And he was into my pregnant belly, smiling and laughing when the baby kicked... I have hope...
BUT weird question- I cleaned and mopped and scrubbed my bedroom and washed the sheets and pillows couple days after he left. He told me this morning he has coke smell stuck in his nose like it was in our room. I don't smell anything... is this a reaction to being in our room or does that smell really linger? (I don't know what it smells like) also, he admitted how hard quitting has been. That his body is still craving it, that it's hard to talk about. could the "smell" be psychological because he was in our room?
I'm know we are a long way from "there" but I am very proud of him. I am very happy he is doing better, drawing, watching movies, playing video games, eating, sleeping. He did nothing at all except stare at the house or me or the window for so long... he is occupying his mind and I think that's important. And he was into my pregnant belly, smiling and laughing when the baby kicked... I have hope...
Member
Join Date: Jul 2010
Posts: 13,497
Wildrose, how are your children doing with all of this? I don't know if you posted their ages, but I was wondering about them.
Please, take time out to watch whether he gets formal help for his addiction. people don't easily quit a bad addiction like he has. anyone delusional is bad into the drugs, and needs help to recover. take care of you and the children, please.
and don't hesitate to post. We don't judge you, we just fear for you, and want to be supportive and there for you, because it may be a difficult journey for you.
Please, take time out to watch whether he gets formal help for his addiction. people don't easily quit a bad addiction like he has. anyone delusional is bad into the drugs, and needs help to recover. take care of you and the children, please.
and don't hesitate to post. We don't judge you, we just fear for you, and want to be supportive and there for you, because it may be a difficult journey for you.
Member
Join Date: May 2010
Location: USA
Posts: 13,560
There are times that I swear I can still smell booze in my house from my XAH's drinking even though there has not been booze in my house for six months. I think it's just smelling something else that reminds me, along with it being the same place he always drank.
Ultimately what he does with himself is up to him. You keep working on your recovery!
Ultimately what he does with himself is up to him. You keep working on your recovery!
Member
Join Date: Feb 2013
Location: W Washington
Posts: 11,589
I am very happy he is doing better, drawing, watching movies, playing video games, eating, sleeping.
it's going to take a LOT more than the above for him to truly get well. how old is he, cuz those are activities a 6 year old would do when home sick from kindergarten. please don't get all moony and starry eyed here....less than two weeks ago he was a ranting raving lunatic and you were the target of his irrational anger. you've kicked him out FOUR TIMES now....as it is he is unemployed, so what is he bringing to the table when you have another baby on the way????
it's going to take a LOT more than the above for him to truly get well. how old is he, cuz those are activities a 6 year old would do when home sick from kindergarten. please don't get all moony and starry eyed here....less than two weeks ago he was a ranting raving lunatic and you were the target of his irrational anger. you've kicked him out FOUR TIMES now....as it is he is unemployed, so what is he bringing to the table when you have another baby on the way????
Member
Join Date: Oct 2011
Location: My Happy Place
Posts: 700
OMG Anvil too funny!
It amazes me that when they do the most basic crap, we act like they walked on water in the middle of the desert and cured cancer! I was like that once.
Oh, and Littlesister could not agree with you more.
Please take care of you and your children and child to be wildrose.
It amazes me that when they do the most basic crap, we act like they walked on water in the middle of the desert and cured cancer! I was like that once.
Oh, and Littlesister could not agree with you more.
Please take care of you and your children and child to be wildrose.
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Springfield MA
Posts: 9
Thank you everyone...my kids are doing well... and you are right, put my time and energy into them. I'm so damn stupid. He wanted money today. I wouldn't give him money because I was pretty sure he would buy drugs with it... but I have taken care of him for so long that I went and got groceries for his mom's house- I felt like he is my responsibility and I feel bad for his mom because she has like no income and all of her adult kids and a grandkid at home now. He wasn't even grateful. He wanted more stuff. I keep doing his damn laundry when I should just drop it in a heap on the porch. Well today he was flipping out about needing weed. See I never thought about pot as an addictive substance. I have occasionally smoked most of my adult years... but for me its like having a glass of wine. I don't need it, I don't think about it, I can go months without it no big deal... I don't drink much either actually. Well my "guy" has to have it morning noon and night. Didn't occur to me that smoking is also a big issue and I wonder why I have always been broke. I mean he goes nuts if he doesn't have it and until today I guess I just accepted that he smokes a lot...he smoked a lot when I met him. But I have never seen him not be able to get it before. Holy crap he was a freaking mess. He actually looked sick. And he has no job no money and knows I'm barely getting by. Bothers me when you don't have money for what the kids need and all he can think about is a bag of weed. So today he was flipping out over it because he knew I was getting paid. I think he is only still around because he thinks I am going to keep giving into him and taking care of him. He doesn't want me he wants what I have. He just wants me to work so he can take!
I have been busting my ass trying to put money back in this house. I added up what he blew through and I think it was close to $6,000 missing in like 3 months. There were a bunch of times after I started monitoring my accounts that he would take cash out my purse for soda or whatever and would say he put gas in the tank but no gas... god knows how much he was spending. And futhor more when we met I was very stable financially. Had about $5,000 per month coming in... and we always went on vacations, bought all kinds of crap... But in the end, my business was ruined, I was doing my end of things and his, I was pretty much his employer but he started taking the pay without putting in any work. I have also been depressed and having trouble keeping things going with work myself- only brought in $1,200 last month... That only pays the mortgage NOTHING else. I think this was all a scam from the beginning. He was a broke guy working 30 hours a week at a pizza shop, and I fell in love because he was charming and I was fresh out of an abusive marriage. Now that I think about it, I was a good con because I had 5 kids, was emotionally messed up, looking for fulfillment, had plenty of money, stable household, and he smiled, called me beautiful, made me feel amazing...then he wanted a baby so fast. My stupid ass gave him one even though I knew I didn't want anymore. I was trying to keep him happy... but he wanted to keep me stuck. If I didn't realize he was a looser when I went to work at MAID PRO cleaning peoples houses 8 hours a day... while pregnant up until I delivered our daughter. He stayed home and didn't even look for work... then I did my real estate and project management jobs at night and weekends and I got abused for not giving him any time and ignoring him... 3 jobs while pregnant with the first while he sat home and I was getting called a bad mom cuz my house was dirty and I wasn't having enough time and sex with him. That's actually when he began his accusations and he was spending my money faster than I could make it.
This week alone Doctor appointments for me, 2 dr apts for kids this week, doing extra side work after hours to pay my bills. I am cleaning up after SIX children. Yes I AM NUTS for having 6 to begin with... but I work hard and I take good care of them. I have been running around all day without time to pee or eat, then I get home, cook, clean a godaweful mess every day, do tons of laundry, baths for my 3 youngest, showers for the others, get homework done, school clothes out. Bedtime by 9 and I am about to fall over.
So today he starts in on me with his jealousy crap again. Probly because he was hurting over the damn pot- but none the less telling me my hair looked messed up, I was with a guy, I'm so dirty, bla, bla, bla. I was like "hello, I just worked all day and moved a crap load of furniture (pregnant) for extra money, picked up kids from school, daycare, library, dropped them where they needed to go, went grocery shopping... ya I look a mess, I'm exhausted!" Then I started to cry- then I went home.
Like an hour later he texted me an apology. I was like ok. Then he was asking what I was doing... I answered short answers to his questions cuz I was pissed and didn't really want to talk to him. Then he texted "hhmm interesting" which is his way of saying he is thinking something stupid again. So I told him off, told him I don't care what he thinks about me, sick of being blamed because he is miserable and messed up his life. I'm sick of busting my ass all day only to be abused for having to work and not being available for his crap 24-7." He unfriended me on facebook. LOL Big deal right?
Im going to find a daycare for my youngest because I cant leave her with his mom anymore and keep running into him everyday. I'm not going to fall for his crap and keep helping him. No more rides, no more anything. No more cigarettes, yes I kept giving him cigs. Screw him!!!! be a grown up and take care of yourself. Time to cut it off because I cant keep giving. I'm a punching bag and a doormat and I'm sick of it. I felt like it wasn't his fault at first, like this HAPPENED TO HIM. But he DID this! and I don't think he is getting out of this without help- but he wont even recognize he has a problem. Regardless, I think I was just his easy ride from the beginning so good luck jerk! AND I AM SO MAD! BUT I AM DONE CRYING!!!!
I have been busting my ass trying to put money back in this house. I added up what he blew through and I think it was close to $6,000 missing in like 3 months. There were a bunch of times after I started monitoring my accounts that he would take cash out my purse for soda or whatever and would say he put gas in the tank but no gas... god knows how much he was spending. And futhor more when we met I was very stable financially. Had about $5,000 per month coming in... and we always went on vacations, bought all kinds of crap... But in the end, my business was ruined, I was doing my end of things and his, I was pretty much his employer but he started taking the pay without putting in any work. I have also been depressed and having trouble keeping things going with work myself- only brought in $1,200 last month... That only pays the mortgage NOTHING else. I think this was all a scam from the beginning. He was a broke guy working 30 hours a week at a pizza shop, and I fell in love because he was charming and I was fresh out of an abusive marriage. Now that I think about it, I was a good con because I had 5 kids, was emotionally messed up, looking for fulfillment, had plenty of money, stable household, and he smiled, called me beautiful, made me feel amazing...then he wanted a baby so fast. My stupid ass gave him one even though I knew I didn't want anymore. I was trying to keep him happy... but he wanted to keep me stuck. If I didn't realize he was a looser when I went to work at MAID PRO cleaning peoples houses 8 hours a day... while pregnant up until I delivered our daughter. He stayed home and didn't even look for work... then I did my real estate and project management jobs at night and weekends and I got abused for not giving him any time and ignoring him... 3 jobs while pregnant with the first while he sat home and I was getting called a bad mom cuz my house was dirty and I wasn't having enough time and sex with him. That's actually when he began his accusations and he was spending my money faster than I could make it.
This week alone Doctor appointments for me, 2 dr apts for kids this week, doing extra side work after hours to pay my bills. I am cleaning up after SIX children. Yes I AM NUTS for having 6 to begin with... but I work hard and I take good care of them. I have been running around all day without time to pee or eat, then I get home, cook, clean a godaweful mess every day, do tons of laundry, baths for my 3 youngest, showers for the others, get homework done, school clothes out. Bedtime by 9 and I am about to fall over.
So today he starts in on me with his jealousy crap again. Probly because he was hurting over the damn pot- but none the less telling me my hair looked messed up, I was with a guy, I'm so dirty, bla, bla, bla. I was like "hello, I just worked all day and moved a crap load of furniture (pregnant) for extra money, picked up kids from school, daycare, library, dropped them where they needed to go, went grocery shopping... ya I look a mess, I'm exhausted!" Then I started to cry- then I went home.
Like an hour later he texted me an apology. I was like ok. Then he was asking what I was doing... I answered short answers to his questions cuz I was pissed and didn't really want to talk to him. Then he texted "hhmm interesting" which is his way of saying he is thinking something stupid again. So I told him off, told him I don't care what he thinks about me, sick of being blamed because he is miserable and messed up his life. I'm sick of busting my ass all day only to be abused for having to work and not being available for his crap 24-7." He unfriended me on facebook. LOL Big deal right?
Im going to find a daycare for my youngest because I cant leave her with his mom anymore and keep running into him everyday. I'm not going to fall for his crap and keep helping him. No more rides, no more anything. No more cigarettes, yes I kept giving him cigs. Screw him!!!! be a grown up and take care of yourself. Time to cut it off because I cant keep giving. I'm a punching bag and a doormat and I'm sick of it. I felt like it wasn't his fault at first, like this HAPPENED TO HIM. But he DID this! and I don't think he is getting out of this without help- but he wont even recognize he has a problem. Regardless, I think I was just his easy ride from the beginning so good luck jerk! AND I AM SO MAD! BUT I AM DONE CRYING!!!!
Member
Thread Starter
Join Date: Sep 2014
Location: Springfield MA
Posts: 9
Oh, and kids are 14, 11, 8, 6, 3, 17 months and one more on the way. He is 28 and I am 35. Yup- done with men. Loved two rotten ones and realizing my 11 year old son is more of a man than either were. He is amazing and helpful. They all get good grades, never late to school... my 14 year old daughter tells me everything and is my best friend. I don't want her to follow my lead with men. (my dad and step dad were both serious drug users and now late in life cannot care for themselves) My real dad is in rehab right now and my step dad is homeless and possibly dead. I have no idea.
Currently Active Users Viewing this Thread: 1 (0 members and 1 guests)
