mandevilla

Hello everyone - I'm new here. My daughter has been a drug addict since she was 16 (she's 28 now). She went to rehab at 18 and did very well for 5 years, even sponsoring other young women. But at 23, she started using again and broke off her engagement and quit her job. I let her come home on the condition that she would get help, and I had to kick her out when I found cocaine in the bathroom. She became homeless and supported her addiction doing whatever she had to while living on the street. After a couple of years of this, she moved about 100 miles away from me to live with a thug she met while on the streets. This thug pimped her out when he needed money, and beat her regularly. In May of this year, she told me she wanted to get out and I told her she could come home if she was ready to be sober. She said she was, so I bought her a Greyhound bus ticket and she came home. She got a job right away at the supermarket across the street from my home, and started going to meetings at least once a day. She had a sponsor within a week and began to do her step work. About two weeks ago I noticed a change in her. She started "hanging out" with a guy she reconnected with, and they started using together. Two nights ago, she called me and said she couldn't live the normal life I wanted her to live, and she wasn't coming home. She said once you start using again, you can't stop. I begged and pleaded for her to come home, told her I would help her and she could start going to meetings again, but she said she couldn't. She stopped by last night to pick up a few of her personal belongings, said "I'm sorry" and left. My heart is broken. I thought she had left this life behind. I thought she was done prostituting herself to support her addiction, but I guess that was wishful thinking on my part. I know there isn't anything I can do because this is her decision, but it still hurts. I haven't slept for the last couple of nights, and had a really hard time focusing at work. I'm hoping she'll reach her bottom sooner than later. Thanks for listening.

Calmwater

I'm so sorry. I don't know that there is anything in this world as painful as watching someone you love destroying their lives. There are lots of parents on this board and I know they'll be jumping in soon, I'm here because of my husband. I just wanted to respond right away because I know how much pain you must be in. Its inconceivable for those of us who are not addicts, to see them choosing the substance over a normal life and the people who love them. Try to be good to yourself today.

zoso77

Mandevilla,

Welcome to the Board. I am so sorry that you're going through this. Fortunately, you've come to a really good place. There are those who have been in your shoes amongst us, and my hope is they will chime in soon. Until they do, I'd like to share my own thoughts with you.

You wrote:

This stood out, for a lot of reasons. But for me, the biggest reason is your AD is acting like she doesn't have a choice in any of this. And that's a bunch of crap, the words of someone who doesn't want to take ownership of her choices. The biggest lies an addict tells is to himself/herself.

Unfortunately, this is how things will be will her until she decides to get honest, stop using, and follow that decision up with a course of treatment and a plan of action to stay clean. There's literally nothing you can do for her. The only thing you can do right now is start healing yourself.

Read as many posts as you can. Connect with members who have been where you are and survived to tell the tale. And keep pushing forward one moment at a time.

We're here for you. Remember that.

Again, Welcome to the Board.

Ann

Welcome to SR, my adult son is my addicted loved one and I know your pain. My son has struggled for years and years and there are two things that bring me comfort, knowing that I cannot change how he is.

The first is remembering that he knows where to get help when he is ready. Although I let him come home many times, it never once worked well and each time turned my home into a war zone with drugs. But he knows how to find meetings, detox, free rehab (the Salvation Army program is very good and costs nothing), and social services that will help him live in a sober house...when he is ready.

The second is saying a prayer each morning and giving the care of my son over to God, asking Him to do for my son what I cannot. And then I live my day in faith that my son is looked after and I live my life well.

Living in sadness and fear almost killed me and I found that I could not live in my son's addiction and my own recovery at the same time. So I chose to follow my own light and found meetings that helped me find my balance again and learn to live my life in a healthy way...regardless of how my son chose to live his.

My heart and my prayers go our for you and your daughter. I know how it breaks our hearts to watch our children self-destruct.

There are a lot of mamas here and I hope you find lots of support and peace just knowing that you don't have to do this alone. You are among friends here who truly understand and care.

Hugs from my heart to yours.

mandevilla

Thank you all for the kind words. I've been down this road with my AD before, and I know I just have to let go and let God. I've surrendered her again to God. I love my daughter with all my heart and I would do anything to help her, but until she is ready to help herself, I just need to accept that she is living her life how she wants and is where she wants to be. I can only live my own life. This morning I spent time working in my garden, appreciating the beauty of my flowers and listening to the birds singing. It was nice to do something just for me.

Mags1

Hi mandevilla, so sorry for what you're feeling. I can't imagine what you're going through but there is a lot of help here for you, please keep in touch with this forum, it will help you for you. Love and hugs xx

chicory

Welcome Mandevilla.

One thing to remember...your daughter has had a taste of recovery. She knows how good it feels to be clean, and free from the lifestyle that leads to destruction. This will perhaps lead her back, when she decides that she has had enough. Nothing you can do will make any difference, except to live the life that you want for her. Your strength will speak to her, more than any pleading and begging.

It sounds like you know the right things to do. Your life matters too. Trust that her HP will bring her back, and will take care of her, as Ann has trusted her son's HP to watch over him. They do have the information they need, when they are ready, and I send prayers that things will work out soon.

the serenity prayer helps me a lot, when I am at my lowest, and realize that my controlling is only driving me crazy.

hugs to you. Welcome to SR. You will find understanding here.

mandevilla

Thank you Chicory. You're right - she has had a taste of recovery and that's why this is devastating. I really thought I had my baby girl back. I hate this disease! She's hooked on meth and has been injecting it, or rather has had her friend injecting it into her. I'm so worried she'll overdose. And as it gets later in the day, the panic is starting to set in. Will she be sleeping behind a dumpster tonight, or did she earn enough money doing God knows what to rent a motel room? I just have to remember again, she's where she wants to be. Still can't believe this is happening again.

Txhelp

Yes Chicory....great words! Helpful to many to remember.

My husband, the RA, said after 12 years of sobriety and a relapse that he picked up where he left off. He thought he could use on his own terms. The addict part took over and he was back to the endpoint and darkness that his last use (12 years ago) gave him.

He said he had little enjoyment at the beginning of his relapse.-unlike when he first began using way back. He knew exactly where this using would go-him losing everything. I kicked him out immediately and began to disconnect. After all, my 2 young adult children were using as well. I didn't have time to mess with an addict husband!

It took him 4 months to get help. I thought it was fairly quick-but his experience told him. Perhaps, you daughter with her knowledge of what clean feels like-will come back soon. Many prayers to you mom.

mandevilla

So sad again this morning. I woke up several times last night and of course my only thought was my AD. And then I prayed myself back to sleep. It really does help. And it's the only thing I can do.

Amysad

Mandevilla - I'm so sorry for your pain. I know it well. My 28 AD has been on a path like this for 10 years now - I don't really see any end in sight for her but I do see an end in sight for me. I'm committed to my recovery of finally knowing and getting it - we parents can't do anything about it as it's their choice NOT ours - they choose this for themselves and we must choose life for ourselves void of the addiction drama manipulation money and overall suck-the-life out of you day to day nonsense. It's NOT easy but it does get better day in day out. My thoughts and prayers are with you.

mandevilla

Feeling better today. I went to church this morning and talked with my pastor. He prayed with me for my AD. We had a guest speaker - a young man who is a former drug addict and has been drug free for years, and now does missionary work in Thailand. This young man was so full of life and love. Listening to his story gave me hope.

mandevilla

My daughter called this morning and spoke to my husband (not her bio-dad) - I'd already left for work. She said all her drug buddies were nuts and out of control and she was scared and didn't want to end up like them. My hubs asked her if she wanted to come home. She said she needs rehab and doesn't want to do this anymore. He went to pick her up at a sleezy motel. I'm grateful she's safe in her bed tonight - she spent most of the day sleeping. We have an appointment next week at a treatment facility about 80 miles away from here. In the meantime, she'll be going to meetings with her sponsor. I'm keeping my fingers crossed.

daisy6234

Continue to keep giving her to God. I prayed for my sons ears to be closed where he didn't need to be and open where he needed to go. Funny thing was where i thought was best was not what he needed. He found an outpatient program and it was what he needed. Mandevilla, i'm from around the same area, if you want to pm me i can give you information where he went. And people there to talk to.

Ilovemysonjj

Hello Dear, I am another Mamma and I wanted to reinforce what was said before. The wisdom below is a real insight into the minds of an addict. "He thought he could use on his own terms". That is something my son told me after his relapse and CHOICE to use again. He did turn it around and is no longer living under our roof. I would say that was my biggest mistake is opening my life back up to the addiction (even though he was in recovery when he moved back). My son is now in rehab but is working and planning on moving out. He knows that recovery is ONLY available if he chooses it.
Bless you and welcome. We all understand!

qwer1234

Another Momma who understands.

Welcome.

Hugs,

qwer

oceanlady1958

we all understand. as a mom of an addict i am consumed with my sons addiction. i couldn't sleep or eat or function unless he was in jail, at least i knew where he was. we never feel at ease when our loved ones are so lost. the best nights sleep i have is when he is in jail. i am so glad that your daughter asked for help, it is her choice and maybe she sees the path she wants to take now. we all pray for our loved ones. i will say a prayer for your daughter.

mandevilla

My 28 year old AD went back to using and back to prostitution. We were so close to getting her into rehab - they were going to call us this week as soon as the next spot opened up. She had been going to 2, sometimes 3 meetings a day since she came back home on Sept. 9. On Saturday she said she was going out for a little while, and didn't come back. I called her and she told me she couldn't do it, wasn't ready for rehab because she wasn't done yet. I was numb for the first couple of days - I couldn't even cry. She called me on Monday to ask if she could come by and pick up her things. I told her it wasn't too late to come home and go to rehab. But she said no - she wants to get high. I'm worried about her of course, but this time I'm angry at her for choosing drugs over everything else. She's an addict though, and I know that's what addicts do. Good Lord, when am I ever going to get off this crazy train?

zoso77

At a moment of your choosing, but that means you'll have to do something you don't want to do. And that's let go.

It sucks. It really, really sucks. But you can't save her from herself, and you can't allow yourself to go nuts because of her choices.

Have you considered attending Al Anon or Nar Anon? I think finding support in person would be of tremendous help and comfort for you. See if you can find a meeting local to you, and begin the process of getting off that crazy train.

mandevilla

It's funny you said that zoso - I'm going back to Alanon on Friday night. I haven't been to a meeting in about 3 months - it's definitely time. I always feel so much better after a meeting.