mejo

Calmwater, I try not to post threads too much as to not discourage new comers. I feel that I can offer a lot more kind words and help people in that manner. I feel that there is always hope for everyone. Unfortunately hope does not always render reality. All we can do is pray...for ourselves and our loved ones and try to avoid unnecessary damage for all involved. Sometimes that means getting out of the way and going on with our lives the best we can, with or without the A. If you have kids, do your best in protecting them. Show them strength and peace. Hold them tight and don't loose sight. Best wishes to you.

Sikofit

I'm sorry you're going through this, Mejo. I've lived with my AH for over 25 years now. Some years were horrible, but it's gotten better. I have learned to detach more, and I'm more at peace with my decision to stay with him. But it's easier since our kids are gone, and it's sometimes very lonely, still. Would I advise anyone with young kids to stay? I don't think so...but everyone has their own reasons, I guess. I will say that it did help me to read the posts on here, and read up on addictions in books, etc. Good luck--I hope your husband really does make the changes he's talking about.

mejo

Thanks. Well he did obtain a sponsor last night and went to a meeting. He seems optimistic. Me...not so much. It is hard not to be a downer, but I have been through this dance for the last 10 years. I feel a lot of anger
But, tonight I go to my meeting, so I shall receive support there.

Twofish

Dear Mejo,
I am a mom that detached from two of my children, I had to and I hated doing it. It was one of the most painful things I've ever done. I'd rather of cut my hand off than be separated from my daughters, but, I kept the love. I detached from the addiction and what the addiction wanted and needed. I worried like crazy wondering if they were ok, hungry, hurt, homeless on and on. I removed myself. No phones, cars, rent money food or to hear their voices...for months I didn't know where they were or if they were hurt. But, I missed their voices the most...
It was quiet then, too quiet, nobody was stealing from me or lying to me or twisting the truth or manipulating me. I didn't move from my SR family support for a long time...then
I started eating and sleeping, I put me first. And I got stronger, I truly believe I was and still am to a point, addicted to THEIR addiction. The pain and frustration of trying to "fix" them, almost broke my spirit. I had to and did, let it go.
They wandered around for awhile, but did get sick of being sick and asked me to help them. I took one to the hospital and left her there. The other I dropped off at a Methadone Clinic. That was a year ago.
For this very second, the beast sleeps. The addiction weakened its pull, the recovery has begun. The younger daughter is so proud of it, she gets these coins from IOP and her therapist keeps an extra special eye on her.
For now, they are sober. And they are loved.
We talk of that lost time and they don't remember my pain or worrying, they only remember their suffering, their begging. Their withdrawals, PAWS and triggers.
That's all on them now. My hope lives on.
So that's my detachment, with love, story.
Can you trust what your husband says? I don't know... you don't know... but, he does know.
I will pray and have hope for you. You need healing too.
TF

mydnyght

I understand how you feel. I would be the same way had my ex not cheated and left me for another girl. But I guess he would rather have someone he can share his addiction with than someone "nagging and b****ing" at him all the time.

qwer1234

Mejo,

This is only my personal experience...I lived with AH.

At some point I snapped. Decided it wasn't about him any more it was about me and the kids.

Once I focused on my life (and our children), and his father stopped enabling, he got sober. Our marriage ended in the process.

I'm so very sorry for your pain.

qwer

BreesGram

Zoso77, I need to take what you have said to Mejo and apply it to my daughter's addicted boyfriend and never believe a single word he ever says because he has piled lie upon lie.

mejo

Well, he talks to his sponsor daily. Attends the na meetings. And we went to an na picnic yesterday (I had a blast!!). AH has an a tooth that is infected. Went to the dentist on Friday and they gave him meds, one of which is pain killers. AH looked at me to answer the dentists question when he asked what kind and what level AH wanted. This kinda pissed me off. I don't feel like it is my job to answer these types of questions. anyway, dentist gave him mid level pain killers. AH got the rx filled and handed me the bottle and asked to to distribute them appropriately. He could take two at a time if he wishes, but has not asked for them. He pretty much takes the ibuprofen and I think he has only taken 4 pain killers since Friday. When I can see he is in a great amount of pain, I asks him what he wants and his answer is "ibuprofen, I want to try that first". So, even though his DOC is not pain killers, you can see the fear that he does not want to jump addictions.

Plus, this toothache could not have come a worse time. AHs body has been trying to "crash" all weekend. He is super grumpy during this period and it can lead to major aggression if I don't stay on my side of the street. So, now he is fighting the"crash" and went to the picnic yesterday. Although he did not play volleyball with me and the others, he sat and watched, cheered and socialized. I cannot believe how many people I knew there. Everyone has skeletons, I know, but it is really nice to know that people I know have been there, done that and probably have a hellofa lot more than the tshirt.

I am scared he will loose drive with his recovery like ALL the past times. I know, this is not staying on my side of the street. I am just acknowledging my fear and trying to work it out in my brain. Step 1-you are powerless over addiction.

Anyway, for all that responded, thank you. Ah tells me to look at his actions and I am. But scared and looking at more than just actions. Definitely not listening to words, which I really want to hear about the fairytale, because I want my heart to feel better. But he is not offering and I am not asking.

mejo

Oh, also, there is a recovery fellowship camp-out in two weeks! Speakers from all of the recoveries will be there including Alanon. Ah said he wants to go and I am super excited to attend. Ah is going with some of the guys next weekend to clean the campsites and cut the tall grass. I hope he gets more and more involved with this and it becomes his new addiction. Service work with recovery is a great thing.

Also, per my sponsors advice I attended an NA meeting. I want to something weekly that my sponsor tells me to do. I need to really get working on my program. I need to write a gratitude list. I need to look up the word so I have a clear understanding of what she wants. I know what gratitude means, but do I REALLY?