Lostgirl808

Exparatrooper, thank you for sharing your story what a awful time in life that must have been I'm glad you got it off your chest! And I'm sure life will get better and better! Don't ever blame yourself take care of you, it's all you can really do!

Lostgirl808

Exparatrooper I tried responding not sure it posted here? Weird but was saying thank you for sharing your story I'm glad you got it off your chest! Take care of yourself don't blame yourself and stay strong! Life will get better and better I'm sure !

Lostgirl808

Jadealexander I can relate when my man and I started dating he was clean I guess told me about his past addictions afterwards then started using again. He too is very sweet and loving man but it just drives me insane watching him possibly ruin everything he worked so hard for and while it doesn't literally directly affect me it really pushes me away :/ I'm glad you guys have space because it gives you a chance to hopefully refocus on yourself in between. I live with my mans family right now and sometimes it's like I'm suffocating :/

I confronted him tonight he said the needles etc were from last week and we went and threw the sock with everything in it away tonight however I'm not sure that the needles were still in there...

Time will tell I guess. I feel kind of lame for accepting this answer but I don't have proof and want to believe in him. It may be stupid of me but I found some resolve and strength finding this supportive amazing site today and next time he seems high I'm just going to take my **** and go. I'm not even discussing it again. I feel ready.

exparatrooper

Your not alone Lostgirl! I just lost 3 years of my life with someone I just realized I never knew.. and she had her family to help her cover it up to rope me in...

I wanted to clarify the night i walked out while she was drunk i did not just leave her there passed out.. i called her parents before I left! I am not an idiot... of course her parents were ticked at me but hey i have to protect myself right... i am not going to be kicked, punched, cussed at screamed at anymore .... that sounds stupid coming from a guy doesn't it.. but this is the real world not a movie. in the real world if a woman has a bruise and says a guy put it there.. guy goes to jail... regardless of what the reality is.... and i wanted nothing to do with that game.

I would have gotten out sooner but I had a job and a place to live... versus parents couch and losing said job.. so i stuck it out as long as i could possibly stand.. when i felt that my safety and possibly freedom was at stake... i got out of the apartment... my fear was for her to wake up and for whatever reason get angry and then my life would be over and i would be in jail with a record for something i didn't do.

BreesGram

You did the right thing exparatrooper. You are a lot healthier than you think you are. You recognized she had a huge problem and you did what so many should do but don't do, You preserved your sanity and threw in the towel. She deceived you big time and I haven't an ounce of sympathy for her. Kudos to you though.

exparatrooper

I will also throw out there that through my continued research on this topic.. which I have been doing a ton of.. through ALANON and just google...

I believer her mother is also a highly functional alcoholic.. and her brother is an alcoholic and i have seen a pot pipe at his house. brother also has 3 DUI's... So it appears to run in the family. Mother has called my ex and put my ex into tears and I could easily tell her mother was blasted drunk on the phone.

The more i read on this site the more the anxiety is slowly dissipating and the more i believe that my leaving her passed out on the couch drunk yet again with a hidden fifth of liquor in her purse was the best thing i ever did.. It may have been the death of me had i married into that family.

I guess she will get to have one heck of a bender after she gets back from rehab when she hawks my engagement ring to buy booze with... i am slowly learning their tricks... I also should have figured out in the beginning when her mother had complete control of all of her finances.. my ex is 28 yrs old... does not even have an ATM card or a checkbook! but I had love blinders on at the time i did not want to believe what was starting me in the face... the way her mother was working it was giving her gift cards... but her mother is a moron... in my state you can purchase some alcohol at the local grocery store... and the grocery store also has a gas station out front... i see her mothers reasoning... her daughter could get food and gas all on the same gift card... but her daughter could also use that 100 bucks to load up on box wine from the gift card!

I figured out my ex was using the change machines coin star to also buy alcohol... one day the piggy bank was full the next day it was empty... it is amazing the things that addicts do right under our noses and we never notice because our mind does not think like theirs.

exparatrooper

I certainly hope my gut feeling about the REHAB romance is wrong and that she is ignoring me right now because she is truly focused on her recovery and she truly does want to live a life of sobriety and she cares enough about our relationship to get clean stay clean .... but lets face it my gut tells me different... so all things shall be revealed through time.

As my old Army buddy says.... Hide and watch... from a distance.

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I'm thankful you found us, and more thankful that our members have greeted you in the manner they have.

I've highlighted this for a reason. There are arguably worse things than him treating you badly, and that's him treating himself badly and you treating yourself badly. He is slowly but surely killing himself, and you've given yourself permission to have a front row seat while he does this for 3 years. You accepted his marriage proposal knowing what you knew about his addiction.

He hasn't gotten a handle on his addiction. Chances are he won't. And I would bet that way, way down, you know this to be true. Addicts do not make reliable, responsible romantic partners. Trust what your gut is telling you.

None of this is easy. If you end things with him, it's going to hurt like hell. In fact, it will hurt worse than that. But there are worse things than suffering through emotional pain.

Keep us posted, and again, Welcome to the Board.

Lostgirl808

Zoso,

Thank you I know in my gut you are right.

When I accepted his proposal I was pregnant , he was 4 months clean, and living with his very catholic family. Not reasons to say yes but I did. I have lived with the consequences of my choice but no longer! I will stand by my words! Thank you all for helping me find my strength

zoso77

Yup, you've lived with the consequences. And then some.

Take care of you.

exparatrooper

Lostgirl... this morning is still difficult for me. I have not really heard much of anything from my Fiance/Ex Fiance since i last saw her passed out on the couch, finding a fifth of captain morgan hidden in her purse... which led to me finally walking out. This was july 24th... we believe she went to rehab on Aug 4th which was the last time I heard from her and those communications were nasty from her.. cussing and calling me names.

This morning still brings pain and confusion, how can she be upset with me when she drove to the liquor store, she purchased the bottle and she hid it in her purse... she hid it from me throughout my birthday dinner and waited until i was not looking to open it and drink over half the bottle. The mind of an addict baffles my non addict mind... how is it possible that she can truly believe that i did something wrong..

The only thing i can think of is that she is mad that after i drew a line in the sand a couple weeks before, she got caught and I carried out my end of my ultimatum... No more would i allow her to abuse me, choke me, kick me... no the physical stuff only ever happened once in three years... I am a guy and it may seem backwards that a guy is talking about physical abuse from an alcoholic fiancé... but let me tell you i had to stand there and use every ounce of my being to lock my hands and my arms and let her punch me in the face and not slip and hit her back... letting her abuse me was the hardest thing i have ever had to do i was so angry that she was doing it and afterwards i was so hurt that someone who told me they loved me would try to hurt me. I did not want to hurt her so i had no choice but to let her hurt me... i did not want my life ruined by a stay in jail over losing my composure.

after that i actually slept in my pants for several weeks worried to death she would wait until i fell asleep to go to her new hidden stash wherever that may have been and drink more then start another fight and try to hurt me... maybe next time she would get a knife! Im sorry after that happened my trust for her was completely destroyed and i had no idea what she could be capable of. That really hurt our relationship, my not being able to trust her anymore... she noticed it and started fights over it... we lost intimacy and that was my fault.. i didn't tell her she was pretty enough and that was my fault.. i no longer wanted to talk about the wedding and that was my fault.. i didn't love her enough and that was my fault... the list goes on... but i know now that it was not my fault that anyone in my situation would feel the same way had they been abused and lied to by an addict like that... no one would want to discuss wedding plans after being abused, having bottles hid all over the apartment, have her mother tell me to start hiding my wallet in my glove box in my car, having her lie to my face, catching her drinking in the morning before work and denying that she had.. even though i had marked the bottle in the freezer with a marker and could clearly see the level was significantly lower than the mark i put on it the night before.

Be strong we can make it through this... this is not what you and I wanted.. we wanted our loved ones to love us more than their addiction... maybe someday they will but right now i think what everyone on this site is suggesting is that we start to love ourselves more than the desire for them to get better... Our addicts are the only ones who can make that choice not us.

redy2gvup

I can relate to this situation very well! When my husband of 20 yrs and I split in 2009 I met and fell in love with the most awesome man! I truly never knew what love was until I met him. We had a fantastic time together, always had fun, got along well and shared so much love for each other. He was an over the road truck driver, only home weekly sometimes not even that. 2 1/2 years into the relationship he had to quit driving as he is diabetic and required insulin injections. This is the point where I realized he was a crack addict, it's all he wanted to do and his life revolved around it! I ended up giving him an ultimatum and I did carry it out, I left. It was incredibly difficult to do but I did it! After a couple of months we got back together under the premise that he was clean, you guessed it, he was far from clean! He was worse than ever and I could see him trying to fight the addiction, the withdrawls were so bad he went through what seemed like psychosis. He was hospitalized in the psych unit, got couseling and did well.....for a short period of time. I have to add that his sister who lives locally is an addict as well. The feed each other's addiction, it's awful. I gave him another ultimatum, go to rehab or leave. He ended leaving and moving out of state back to his mother's. I was the bad guy, it was all my fault, I ruined her precious son and drove him crazy! I was to blame, or so they thought until he went crack crazy with his brother! He ended up moving from house to house, friend to friend. We ended up getting back together this past May. He was doing really well and was clean! Moved him back in with me, life was perfect! His health was good and he was able to go back to work driving again. This time he drove locally and was home every day. I still had some trust issues but all was going well for the first 3 weeks then he used with his sister. I knew there was a chance for relapse which I knew I had to accept if we were to be together. We got through that relapse. Well, he ended up developing a pattern of using every other week when he got paid. The last time, he took my car and 12 hours later he still wasn't home and wouldn't answer my calls. I had to take my spare key and bum a ride from my friend to retreive my car. Came home packed his belongings and dropped them off to him at his sister's the next day! Having gone through the addiction issue with him before, this episode sent my adrenaline through the roof! That was 3 weeks ago. I'm heart broken and emotionally shattered! Today was the first we talked on the phone since. He realizes and admits he's an addict. I am so torn, did I over react? Should I have handled it differently? Yes, I shook, I shook for days! I still cry every day. He asks for my help and I know he has to help himself however, I need help too. I plan on going to a support group in order to help myself cope with what happened.

That's MY story. As you can see, I've been the emotional wreck and the person of blame so I can relate. As far as he's concerned, yes, I do love him. He's an awesome man with a horrible disease. I need help in learning how to cope with an addict, he needs to learn how to cope with the disease and work on recovery. We shall see.