notevensure

Hi all,

I posted previously about my boyfriend of five years. I thought he was an alcoholic.

I broke up with him for it, even though we've had five wonderful years together. He just hasn't been the same person and clearly was hiding it from me.

He called me a week ago to confess that he's really been abusing Xanax for the past six months - he wasn't drunk this whole time, he was high. I obviously was devastated to hear this. At that time, he started a rehab program with his dr and had been clean for two weeks. His family knows, it's all out in the open. He also apologized over and over and said that he scared himself with how bad it got.

We haven't spoken since, and yesterday he texted me, saying that he hasn't had any trouble staying clean once the withdrawal stopped, that he loves me and is so sorry. So assuming this is true, he's been clean for three weeks.

I haven't responded. I guess I don't know what to say.

In a perfect world, he would never touch it again and never lie again and we would get back together and it'd be fine. But I know that's not how it works with addicts. I don't know how to go about building the trust back.

At what point do you believe that they are really going through recovery and want to get better? He told me before that I could drug test him if it'll make me more comfortable.

I know it was huge of him to finally confess to me (and his family and doctors) what has happened, but honestly, he still lied to me and hid it for six months. I'm not sure if three weeks of sobriety is enough time to believe that he's really done?

Can someone help me out here?

AnvilheadII

well first, hello and welcome to SR.

while recovery IS possible, it's a life long commitment - it is certainly doable and I commend ANY addict who starts the journey.

however....3 weeks ain't doodly squat. it's a START for sure....but just a start. let's see how he's doing a year from now....a solid 365 days of 100% non -use. that would be a good sign. there is SO much going on in early recovery and the chance of relapse is very high.

no reason to rush anything. no reason to decide anything just yet. give yourself time.....no pressure, no expectations.

notevensure

Thank you for your advice.

This entire time, my stance had been that as long as he was getting clean, I would stand by him and support him.

But that was when I thought it was alcohol, and he continued to lie to me.

Now that he's confessed and is getting clean, should I support him?

Aside from the conversation we had last week (where he told me the truth), I have been doing No Contact for the last three weeks. I just don't know when to believe or support him again (if ever)?

But I'm torn, because if he is getting clean, what more can I ask for?

AnvilheadII

what do you think you supporting him looks like?

let's remember, he managed his addiction without any support from you AND found his way to the start of recovery without you.

and he now has all of three weeks...roughly 21 days. he contacted you, gave you the update, said he was sorry. and that things seem to be going well.

to be perfectly honest, he doesn't NEED your HELP to do this. sure, it's nice to have folks on your side, way to go, keep it up. but he has a program, and he has a doctor and he's collecting some days clean.

there is nothing for you to DO now. except observe, from a safe distance. have you ever launched into a workout program or a new approach to your diet? and how did that go at the three week mark? time takes time.

Flavia2

Very good point.

mejo

I agree. Three weeks is not long. Only you can decide what feels right. If no contact makes you feel comfortable at this point, keep it up.
Active addicts lie. That's what they do. My AH has been clean for 8 days. I know this because of his actions and his appearance. Not because he tells me he is. Lord knows I have heard him tell me he is clean like 200k times and it was not true and I knew it in my gut. When I would go NC, I felt safe and secure away from the bs spewing out his mouth.

Trust is HUGE in a relationship. I think that is why you are keeping your distance. You sound very level headed. Follow your head right now. Not your heart. Keep up the good work.

notevensure

Yeah, thank you all, I agree 3 weeks isn't long. But what is the magic number of "clean" before I can believe he is serious?

I will finish out a 60 day no contact, but after that, what do I do? I am in so much pain. Those of you that stood by your addicts through sobriety, what happens now?

hopeful4

I am so sorry for your pain. Unfortunately, there is no magic number. Only you can decide that for you. I encourage you to give yourself all the time you need to work on you. To get to a place you are past the hurt and agony and are ok with just being you.

Hugs. It's hard but you can do it!

AnvilheadII

that's the thing hon, there IS NO MAGIC number. recovered addicts can relapse after TWENTY YEARS clean and sober. addiction will always be there, just waiting. all addicts are exactly ONE bad decision away from relapse.....

so you take care of you. and let him take care of him. for now. you put love and care into your own life, your own well being so that NO MATTER WHAT you will be ok.

BlueChair

I dont think there is a magic number, and I dont think there is any kind of rule on no contact, unless you yourself feel better being no contact. This is all up to you, your feelings. Last year my husband was sick with drugs, and then he went to rehab. At first I was scared he would leave but after he stayed then for me I sort of automatically believed he was wanting to stop using and get better. The thing with drugs is for a long time after quitting there are pulls to go back. Reminders in life, physical triggers of the brain, emotions that would be easier to face with a drug. People somtimes slip up, or sometimes they can give up totally and say its too hard. Its scary when you love the person. I was scared for my husband, and scared for myself too. I found Fear was underlying most the stress I was having. So what I had to do was work on how I managed the fear, and keep it all in perspective.

My only suggestion is to go slow, and dont put too many rules on yourself. I think you will feel faith building back up. I think its easier to understand whats going on when you are actually communicating with the other person. But being married is a little different than dating but since you were together 5 years then you did have a commitment. One thing has helped us is doing family counseling. Its a time for me to express my feelings, and he will share his and it has kept us on the same page, and prevented me from building up imaginings in my mind.

My husband lied when he was using too. But its part of addiction where people know its wrong, are ashamed, cant face it and want to hide it. It hurt me too at first, but then I learned more about how addiction works in changing the brain and thinking, and the lies I found were not anything about me or our relationship.

Ann

Lies are a deal breaker in my life...no excuses or justifications. Nothing rips my trust away like a lie.

Only you can decide what is best for you but please keep in mind that a few weeks clean is not recovery...his continued abstinence and behaviour changes will tell you more over time.

Take care of yourself.

Hugs

zoso77

Welcome to the Board. I apologize for my belated welcome to you, as usually my footprint on weekends is fairly light. Thankfully, Hopeful, AnvilHead, Ann and others have welcomed you and have given you valuable feedback. I'd like to do the same right now.

Honestly, I don't know if you safely can. See, there's more to recovery than the number of days someone hasn't picked up. As an example, my AXGF amassed about 9 months of clean time (supposedly) but was still behaving horribly. If he's not using, but is still behaving dishonestly, that's not recovery.

If you spend enough time reading the posts, blogs, and sticky notes, you're going to acquire enough information and knowledge to make an informed decision. The question is what are you going to do with that knowledge.

For me, lying's a deal breaker. What are your boundaries? What are your values? And is he someone that shares those values?

Again, Welcome to the Board.

WhoIsHe

I agree with Ann -- lies are a deal breaker. I can never again trust "my addict liar", and although I miss him a lot, and want to reconnect with him, it would be disrespectful to myself. As I told him, "I'm done." Do I want to become a liar, too? I know I can never trust him again so I my best option is to trust myself.

So what I'm suggesting to you is to think about your own trustworthiness to yourSELF. We do have control over that. It's hard tho! I want to follow my loving heart but I'm choosing (sometimes moment to moment) to follow my now-wiser head.

So sorry for your pain.

Txhelp

Figure out your boundaries and take the time that you need. You may/may not want to connect but you will need to figure that out. Whatever you do, educate yourself about addiction and codependency (if you haven't already) and go with your gut!